5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

To be honest and I say this gently as a parent of a child with SN I think you are being unreasonable. He was tearful, he didn’t want to say the part he was given and when given the chance to go in after he had calmed down he said he didn’t want to.

I agree. It’s a really hard situation, and I can see why OP is upset, but I think the school did the right thing for her son, in that moment. It is important to talk to them before the next one about how to handle the situation in a way that might help him take part.

I don’t think the teacher should have pushed him into knowing he might get upset again in front of everyone.

Yes, because the converse situation for the OP is “school forced my upset son to take part in an assembly”

@thebellsesmereldathebells

You're not overreacting at all OP, please ignore the comments saying that you are. There seems to be a fashion on MN at the moment for sneering at people for crying/showing emotions, even when it is clearly in proportion to the situation.

I have been where you are, with a 5yo with SEN. It can feel incredibly raw at times, seeing your beloved child at a disadvantage and missing out on things that his peers are doing. It's really, really hard and there is NOTHING wrong with getting upset about it.

I do think the teachers probably made the right call this time, though. If your son was really distressed and crying, it may just have been impossible for them to calm him down enough to bring him in, and it would have been a hundred times more upsetting for you and for him if they had brought him in in a state and he'd had to be removed again.

for you - chin up, keep going - there will be many, many other chances to see your little boy shine, and it will get easier, I promise.

Just to be clear I don’t think the OP is wrong to be emotional I can understand why she feels so upset I just don’t agree that the school didn’t handle it correctly.

He wasn't "excluded". They decided to let him stay out as he was distressed and when they gave him the opportunity to go in later, he refused and they respected his decision.

You've said he has GDD and is immature which means something like an assembly would have been more overwhelming for him than his classmates. Hard as it is, you just need to give him time and adjust your expectations.

It sounds as though school staff are lovely with him.

@lambran

"Belive me if you was to experience what I've gone through with him . You'd be emotional the littlest of things like seeing him in an assembly means the world to me seeing how he reacts with others and how he can be around his peers is all I want to see and yet again didn't get the opportunity. same as other events"

but (gently) that is about you and what you want and not what was best for your son in the circumstances.

I agree with most.
Your reaction is totally out of proportion.
Your little one was overwhelmed and upset and didn't want to do the assembly. The school tried their best to let him calm down and bring him in later, but he wasn't able to get to a place where he was able to, so they let him be rather than upsetting him again.
They have done nothing wrong here.

In the kindest possible way, if you have a dc with additional needs, you need to grow a thicker skin. You will come up against things that should make you angry, as SEND is so underfunded. A school being kind to your ds is not one of these things. Your reaction was bizarre.

@Abraxan

We wouldn't send any child who was crying and upset into assembly, regardless of if they were normally the quiet ones or not.

It sounds like once he'd calmed down they gave him the option. He choose not to go into the hall and to stay with the TA. The teacher could have insisted but that would have risked a now settled child becoming upset again, something the teacher was unlikely to risk especially when there is a hall full of parents watching. Many parents would be distressed to have their upset child forced to come into the hall with everyone else present. So I suspect the teacher thought they were doing the right thing.

Ideally they could have told you so you could decide to leave if he wasn't coming it. However, I suspect the teacher was more focused in the assembly, ensuring those in the hall were in the right place, doing the right thing at the right time, etc.

IME class assemblies in front of parents, and especially the first time in nearly two years, probably with children who can't actually remember ever doing it before, are stressful.

Yes. Totally agree. I had to endure watching my extremely distressed DGS being forced into the hall crying and hovering on the edge of a performance but I plastered a smile on and tried to send encouragement to him and reassured him it was ok afterwards and slowly he has got better. It’s very hard after everything they have been through but you can’t let them see you upset.

I can fully understand why you are upset that you weren't able to see your ds in the assembly like the other parents were able to do. It can be heartbreaking. Like others on this thread I do understand. My dd is autistic.

Also like others think your anger and frustration is misplaced. I don't think the teacher did anything wrong. Pushing him when he was distressed would not have been right. And I think you probably do know that but you were upset and angry that life's not 'fair' for your boy

It's very disappointing for you, but I think they handled it correctly. There will be many other assemblies, and you will see him in action then.

Patent of a child with sen, yes you will be hypervigilante about discrimination towards your child yes it does exist I remember sharing some work my sen child did over lockdown at home all the other children's work got put together in a nice online presentation and shared mine was excluded because it was minecraft? Because it was "too good" and they thought I did it? (I'm useless at minecraft and he knocks spots off his elder siblings in minecraft) it's like they thought he was "too slow" to do what he did in less than ten minutes I was fuming shared it publicly on my Facebook got a lot of compliments but yeah I found it upsetting it's not the only time he has been excluded for not being a compliant face of "special needs" in the school

@thebellsesmereldathebells

You're not overreacting at all OP, please ignore the comments saying that you are. There seems to be a fashion on MN at the moment for sneering at people for crying/showing emotions, even when it is clearly in proportion to the situation.

I have been where you are, with a 5yo with SEN. It can feel incredibly raw at times, seeing your beloved child at a disadvantage and missing out on things that his peers are doing. It's really, really hard and there is NOTHING wrong with getting upset about it.

I do think the teachers probably made the right call this time, though. If your son was really distressed and crying, it may just have been impossible for them to calm him down enough to bring him in, and it would have been a hundred times more upsetting for you and for him if they had brought him in in a state and he'd had to be removed again.

for you - chin up, keep going - there will be many, many other chances to see your little boy shine, and it will get easier, I promise.

Thank you like someone has said it just makes it another moment of his not your normal child and thats what gets me more

As a parent of an SEN child, I have been in a similar situation.

Our 4yo didn't want to take part in the school nativity unless he could play a particular role he had created. School wanted him to be the role he was cast. As he wasn't allowed to take the part he wanted, he opted to stay in the classroom colouring. I was a bit cross/sad that the school wouldn't let him take part in the way he felt able to, but I know it must be hard to manage a whole class and also there was no guarantee he would have gone through with the performance even on his own terms. As he was happy with the decision to stay out, I was happy to go along with that (despite my own slight disappointment).

As your son was sad about not performing and sharing his special joke, I would be tempted to calm down over the weekend and then calmly raise the question about why he couldn't tell his own joke. It does sound like your son did want to take part if only they had supported him to do so (but it can be hard to know how he would have coped in the actual show, and there will be other times to make up for it!)

It’s a bad school that can’t handle anyone different. Switch asap. My son wasn’t ASD, they tried to pin it on him, he turned out to be a clever clogs ahead of the rest. A primary school switch revealed this.

Some schools are one size fits all and all about‘compliance’.

@Calmdown14

I think you are being a bit unfair to expect them to allow a new joke made up that morning and not the one he had presumably practiced. It's great that he wrote it down but perhaps you also needed to play a part in managing his expectations. There are always several children who end up too overwhelmed to join these performances. I think you're attaching much more to this because of his struggles. As far as he's concerned he's had a nice day and drawn a lovely picture. Take his lead and don't build it up to 'he's always going to be left out' which is probably the real root of your upset

There was no.planned jokes . They got told Thursday evening yesterday! To find a joke and bring it in . There was nothing planned !

@ballsdeep

The thing is op, you would have been writing a different post if the teacher made him sit there, sobbing and inconsolable because he didn't want to do it.

She made the right choice for your son. I dont know what you would habe wanted to happen otherwise?

That. Also, a class assembly is a really busy and stressful time for the teacher. Lots of the children will be needing last minute support or have questions, she has to ensure that all 30 of them have all their props etc, and that she is also ready and composed for facing all the parents with the children. Especially when it's the first assembly that her bunch of 5 year olds have done. Anything can happen. It's unpredictable and stressful.

Much as she might have wanted to cajole your son, she simply will not have ben able to spend more time than she did, when she has 29 other 5 year olds to wrangle. I imagine that having to leave the TA behind with him will also have impacted things.

I spent an entire career teaching children with SEND in a special school. We did everything we could to involve every child in assemblies and Christmas performances, and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. I used to feel terrible when a child who we thought was going to cope would meltdown, with their parents in the audience. I felt so bad for them. But it's a really difficult call, and it sounds as though both teacher and TA put his needs first, as they should.

I do understand how sad it made you though. Hopefully next time he'll cope with it because he wasn't forced this time.

AGAIN THERE WAS NO SET SCRIPT PR PRACTICE THEY GOT TOLD YESTERDAY TO FIND A JOKE OR MAKE ONE UP AND BRING IT IN.

It’s really difficult to come to terms with the child you thought you’d have and the child you have in front of you. It’ll take time to adjust and it’s a struggle believe me I think most of us with sen children have travelled that road but you do make peace with it and love the amazing funny amazing child you have, mine is currently having a bit of a time - he’s 11 soon and lots of change so he’s emotional and unsettled and a bit sweary.

It’s emotional absolutely but your baby boy will shine in his own way and be your very own twinkling star 🌟 just like mine is for me in his own way he makes me smile every day

I think the flip of this could have been a post about how unreasonable the school were to a) force an unwilling/upset child to come into the hall and cry publicly throughout an assembly when he had clearly stated he didn't want to take part b) allowed him to stand up and tell a joke that made no sense and wasn't funny, thereby exposing him to possible ridicule/no one laughing etc.

I completely understand your disappointment but that's separate to the school's part in this.

I don’t understand why either a teacher didn’t come and fetch you to reassure him, or why you didn’t just leave the hall to speak to office staff.

I wouldn’t have just sat there for an hour being upset/worried/angry and watching other peoples children.

Op, is the TA the class TA or are they assigned to your son?

You sound deranged. Crying to the teacher as an adult??! I get being sad and disappointed he couldn’t get involved but ffs

I totally understand why you're upset but maybe reframe it in to something more positive. He didn't want to do something, he made that clear, so he wasn't forced into something that would have made him uncomfortable and more upset, and he was able to do something he enjoyed (drawing) instead to calm down. He knew his limits.

Instead of crying in front of him about what he missed, instead think of what he gained: the knowledge that he doesn't have to do something that makes him uncomfortable and scared and that the people at school have his back. And also that his parents are proud of him either way.

SEN or not, not every child wants to or is comfortable with going up in front of lots people or being the centre of attention. I imagine it's not massively uncommon for children to change their mind about a performance or similar when the time rolls round. I am neurotypical but was quite an anxious child around some things like this, and being forced into it would have been awful for me. Maybe he won't ever be someone who stands on a stage and tells a joke, and that's just fine. He doesn't have to be. Now he knows that, and you know that, then it can be less stressful next time - he can just be in the audience and enjoy that.

I would have been upset too. Request a meeting with his teacher to find out how things are going in general and how they are supporting him. You'll be less emotional then so it should be easier to talk about it.

I suspect with the new joke (that you say wasn’t funny), the teacher was concerned about the reaction. If no-one laughed or people looked puzzled it could potentially be quite embarrassing/ upsetting for your DS.

I understand your disappointment but it does sound like the teachers were meeting your DS’ needs at the time.

@nadiamumoftwo

You sound deranged. Crying to the teacher as an adult??! I get being sad and disappointed he couldn’t get involved but ffs

Was that really necessary?

Sorry you were upset, OP.

Do you think it may be a case that what upset you was seeing the difference between your son and his peers? That’s always very difficult, and upsetting.

I think the school did the right thing. Bringing an already upset child out into an assembly stage would have been cruel.