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Original poster

5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

228 replies

lambran · 18/03/2022 22:33

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

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saraclara · 18/03/2022 23:37

@SecretKeeper1

I don’t understand why either a teacher didn’t come and fetch you to reassure him, or why you didn’t just leave the hall to speak to office staff.

I wouldn’t have just sat there for an hour being upset/worried/angry and watching other peoples children.

The teacher was doing the assembly, and the boy was happily occupied in the classroom. There's no way that while getting ready for the assembly there'd a) be anyone spare to go and fetch OP to persuade him to join in and b) that it would do any good. When upset kids see their parents they get even more upset, and the whole scene would have upset the rest of the class.

School staff have to respond sensitively and quickly to situations, making decisions on the hoof with a dozen other thoughts and responsibilities in their head and 30 kids around them. Some of the things that posters think they should have done are simply impossible.

mrsrat · 18/03/2022 23:38

I cannot believe you were in tears because of what happened . I'm utterly stunned

Comedycook · 18/03/2022 23:40

@mrsrat

I cannot believe you were in tears because of what happened . I'm utterly stunned
I'm not. I have a dc with sn...this stuff can break your heart
saraclara · 18/03/2022 23:42

Even my entirely neurotypical and bright 6 year old DD refused to go take part in a display that she'd practised for for weeks. There she was in her gym leotard standing at the side crying, while the rest of her club performed. She adored gym, was really good at it, was really excited about the display, but simply got overwhelmed when it came to it. And yes, I was really sad and disappointed.

It's a huge thing to come out in front of a hall full of parents to perform something, and many kids suddenly realise it's scary rather than fun. Her teacher and TA managed your son well. But I do understand your sadness.

pointless12345 · 18/03/2022 23:42

@FrownedUpon

Sounds like an over reaction. He was offered a role in assembly, but got upset and didn’t want to do it.

What should school have done-dragged him to the assembly crying? Then you’d be complaining! I feel so sorry for schools.

I was thinking this. If the teacher took him in crying then mum would of been posting that her child was forced into assembly with other parents staring and they should of left him in the classroom with the TA. They can't win.
saraclara · 18/03/2022 23:43

HIS teacher and TA, rather.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/03/2022 23:43

If they had forced him out there, you'd now be posting upset that he had been forced out in front of everybody and got incredibly upset in front of everybody.

lollipoprainbow · 18/03/2022 23:45

mrsrat
I cannot believe you were in tears because of what happened . I'm utterly stunned

You clearly have no idea what it's like to have a sen child.

Embracelife · 18/03/2022 23:46

Have a look at local special schools. They may do more to ensure ds is included and given a role.

TabithaHazel · 18/03/2022 23:49

I can see why you are upset, but having a (albeit neurotypical) five year old myself I can see once they have got themselves into an upset state it's not so easy to bring them around. If they had forced him to go to the assembly while upset that would have been a pretty crappy thing to do, and not fair in the other children either. I think you are overreacting and as a pp said are you really so upset as you've realised that your son's special needs make him different to his peers?

pointless12345 · 18/03/2022 23:49

@lambran

Also just want to make thist clear as im reading some of the comments still

he wasn't giving a line , he made up a joke he wanted to say but according to him he wasn't allowed to say it because it wasn't funny

But he was allowed to say another joke that he had made up. It's not like they said "no it's not funny so your not saying anything". The teacher is still in charge. If my child had made up 2 Jokes I'd rather them tell the one that made sense and was funny. He's very clever for a boy that age to be able to use his imagination to make joke that made sense AND be funny so the teacher was trying to show that off to the rest of the school.
Original poster
lambran · 18/03/2022 23:50

Right im going to bed I think enough has been said I can see people's views and it's helped me so thank you -those of you who sympathised, understood and actually said some very helpful comments towards this.

Those of you who have not ! And are now just becoming bitchy and rude maybe have some thought please before you type to someone!

OP posts:
Flickflak · 18/03/2022 23:50

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saraclara · 18/03/2022 23:51

@mrsrat

I cannot believe you were in tears because of what happened . I'm utterly stunned
Maybe you could try having some empathy with a parent whose child has a learning disability. It's a very different world.
Macaroni46 · 18/03/2022 23:53

OP I think deep down you know YABU. You are upset and disappointed because your DS wasn't able to perform on this occasion. You let this out very unfairly IMO on his teacher who acted correctly. She's probably feeling shit now because of you and it will affect her weekend. I say this as a teacher myself. Believe it or not we do care and in split seconds try to make the right decision only to get it thrown back in our faces.
I agree with a PP who pointed out that she may have been protecting himself from embarrassment in front of the others with his joke.
There's also the presumption that there are spare staff around - in my case often I'm single handed with my year 1 class which has 6 children with some form of SEN in it (mainstream). I may seem harsh but your DS is not the only consideration. And finally, forcing a distressed child into assembly? Really? Awful for him and unfair on the other children.
I think you owe the teacher an apology at the very least.

pointless12345 · 18/03/2022 23:55

@Justyouwaitandseeagain

As a parent of an SEN child, I have been in a similar situation.

Our 4yo didn't want to take part in the school nativity unless he could play a particular role he had created. School wanted him to be the role he was cast. As he wasn't allowed to take the part he wanted, he opted to stay in the classroom colouring. I was a bit cross/sad that the school wouldn't let him take part in the way he felt able to, but I know it must be hard to manage a whole class and also there was no guarantee he would have gone through with the performance even on his own terms. As he was happy with the decision to stay out, I was happy to go along with that (despite my own slight disappointment).

As your son was sad about not performing and sharing his special joke, I would be tempted to calm down over the weekend and then calmly raise the question about why he couldn't tell his own joke. It does sound like your son did want to take part if only they had supported him to do so (but it can be hard to know how he would have coped in the actual show, and there will be other times to make up for it!) Flowers

He was allowed to share his own joke that he made up just not the one that didn't make sense and was thought of on the day of assembly. But he would of been practicing the one that did make sense and was funny as his mum said. The teacher would be wanting to show off that this little boy made up this joke on his own that was actually really good.
Macaroni46 · 18/03/2022 23:55

"Those of you who have not ! And are now just becoming bitchy and rude maybe have some thought please before you type to someone!"
Pot and kettle OP! Alright for you to lash out at the teacher!

Katya213 · 18/03/2022 23:56

OP I’d be in tears too if that was my son. Don’t worry, I’m sure now they will be tripping over themselves to have him involved in the next assembly.

SecretKeeper1 · 18/03/2022 23:56

@saraclara thank you, but I’ve worked in a school and there’s no way we’d have left a worried mum in the hall for an hour. Not a chance.

Likewise, as a mum, I wouldn’t have stayed an hour. My concern would’ve been checking my child was ok.

closingtime101 · 19/03/2022 00:01

As a teacher of five year olds who also have their first ever assembly next week, I too would have done what your son’s teacher did. I would never force a sobbing child to perform, nor would I change the performance at the very last minute to accommodate one child. Your son is one of 30; just as important for his development as performing, is for him to understand that not everything can be his way. I’m sorry you’re upset but there will be more opportunities as your son matures and can handle such stressful, high-pressure occasions as class assemblies.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/03/2022 00:03

If your ds wasn't upset about it, what's the problem. Really. He was happy with the TA. They will try again next time. This happens all the time in school, they cannot cater to parents, their duty of care is to the children and he was fine, looked after and happy.

pointless12345 · 19/03/2022 00:03

@Katya213

OP I’d be in tears too if that was my son. Don’t worry, I’m sure now they will be tripping over themselves to have him involved in the next assembly.
Have you even read the thread? He was suppose to be involved to tell the joke he made up. He made up 2 jokes and the teacher wanted him to tell the one that made sense and was funny. But he couldn't process this. The teacher tried twice to get him in the assembly but he wanted to stay with the TA to finish off drawing his picture the second time she tried to get him in. They've not purposely left him in the classroom.
SteakExpectations · 19/03/2022 00:05

I can sympathise, my son was often excluded from assemblies and I really feel like he missed out on those experiences. I wish I had spoken to school about it and offered to have him sit with me to watch the assembly with me instead of being in a room with a TA or sat by the head teacher’s feet.

It often seemed like he was being punished for his anxiety and I didn’t do nearly enough to prevent that from happening.

DS is now very happy and thriving at a specialist school. I’d urge anybody with children with SEN to look into local alternative provisions as there is such a huge difference between mainstream school barely meeting a child’s needs and a school specifically set up to meet their needs, especially for secondary.

SD1978 · 19/03/2022 00:08

Sorry- you over reacted. Your son was overwhelmed and couldn't be calmed down in order to attend assembly initially. The teacher then gave him the option to attend- and as a child centred approach, when he said no, she didn't force him to attend- she gave him a choice. I'd say that's a good response from them. You being that upset and crying, in front of an easily overwhelmed child, I'd probably work on that as it won't be helping him if he's also easily overwhelmed x

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/03/2022 00:10

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