5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

We have a child who's very anxious and gets so worried it's almost scary before any event that is given any sort of meaning by the clsss/teacher/school. His uncle, my brother, has as so we always worried about his reactions. Sometimes he will end up taking part, other times he wont. All of the hugs OP but they have to be guided there and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't there still needs to be a lovely positive conversation into anything positive that happened or that he got out of the day, whetherrelated or not. (I like the idea that your son worked away on his art instead)

It’s sad for him he wasn’t included, but he will be in future, so take it as an opportunity to teach him that just because something you want doesn’t happen immediately, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen,

In the kindest way OP your current attitude won’t help your son. You’ve already (rightly) investigated what happened with the school. They’ve given a reasonable explanation. It’s common for little kids to be overwhelmed by assemblies and he will move through this.

What you need to do now is work with the school to help him be able to cope as soon as possible. If you are weeping all over them or asking for explanations you’ve already had, it’s harder for them to help you. It’s also your job as a parent to be positive with your son.

I watched my DS1, aged 6, sob his way through his lines in assembly.
I think that was much more upsetting.
In this case it was "my fault". We had planned that he would wear his donkey costume, but in the morning he wanted to be a cat, but I didn't have time to do anything about it.
It was very memorable for me, even 10 years later, but DS1 has forgotten all about it.
These things happen throughout school life to all children and teaching him flexibility and resilience is the best you can do.
Also the assembly didn't matter to him, so try not to let it matter to you.

I don't understand this story lining up comment? Are you saying the school are lying? As an experienced teacher, I feel the school did the right thing. Are you aware how stressful it is performing an assembly with 5 year olds? Especially with parents in attendance!

My son is 5 and doesn’t have SEN and a similar thing happened; he got overwhelmed and refused to go out and I’m so glad they didn’t force him to do it.

Your son is only 5, to many kids performing like that is out of reach for now, I think you’re over thinking this.

You'd be emotional the littlest of things like seeing him in an assembly means the world to me seeing how he reacts with others and how he can be around his peers is all I want to see and yet again didn't get the opportunity. same as other events

I have a dd with severe sen. When she was around 5 her school (school for children with sen) performed a nativity at xmas. Some of the students understood what was going on and enjoyed it immensely. My daughter, however, is non-verbal and had no idea why she was dressed up like a fairy and sitting on her teacher's lap on the stage. She set up such a fuss and bother and whinging and waving her arms around that I eventually had to get up out of the audience and pluck her off the stage and take her back to the classroom where she was perfectly happy. So in this case they knew she would be troublesome but included her anyway. I had previously aired my doubts to the teacher and was irrationally irritated that they hadn't listened, when in fact they were just making every effort to include her in case, for once, it went right. The teachers have to make difficult decisions and it's not always going to be the right one.
I can understand why you are upset, but he's only 5 and there will be lots of other opportunities.

Op - in the nicest possible way you are coming across as you think the school should have made him for your benefit so you could see him perform. There are opportunities for kids to do these things often - if he had a bad experience with this he will refuse all future opportunities. A crying child in a hall of quiet children is not really going to work - it’s going to echo and make the school look unkind making him do something he doesn’t want to do.

OP I hope you slept well

I understand EXACTLY how you felt and I know that feeling so so well. If you might be a little like me then you of course you know it’s tricky for staff to support children with SEN, particularly as they often have very little training in it.

I read something written by a psychologist which said over 50% of parents of children with SEN were in a state similar to or actually had PTSD. It’s so so hard to have one of our lovely children and there are so many griefs and losses alongside the joys. Because of all the past traumas and our fears for the future we are understandably very sensitive to small things and often react more than we otherwise would. It doesn’t help that as parents of these delightful little ones we are also often constantly short of sleep.

Op I’m really sorry you were so upset. Sending you a virtual hug. And I wanted to say he sounds absolutely lovely - I love the sound of his jokes and if you guys were here now I would love to hear one from him

He is so lucky to have a mum like you OP. Your love for him shines so strongly, and you're clearly there to battle his corner. You're doing well. Try to look after yourself though too - what you're going through isn't easy at all

What's really sad reading these comments is the constant throwaway "well the teacher has 30 kids to look after". This is true I'm sure but why on earth do we underfund education so much? It's so important to development of all the adults in our country.

I think you would have felt much much worse if you been sat there watching your son upset, in tears, because a teacher was "pushing him" into assembly. In general, teachers won't push a child who is visibly upset and crying, into doing something they say they don't want to do!

I see why you're upset that your son wasn't able to enjoy assembly like you were hoping. But that's not because of the teachers.

Unfortunately your son is not like the rest, my son isn’t and nor am I.
The more you get upset at him not managing what the rest do and feeling disappointed and that you are missing out by him not managing to do something is just reinforcing his feelings of not only being different but also of failure. He might not be aware entirely yet but there will be some awareness.
You need to accept him for exactly what he is and not be disappointed about what he can’t do. Embrace all that he can do and give him opportunities to try things but not worry if he won’t or it doesn’t work. A hey you did great you tried. He did try with this and thinking and writing a joke is great.
Ultimately you have to give him the confidence in himself to make his path in this world because it’s a difficult path for the average child, for the not average it’s harder.
If he’s confident everything will be so much easier for him.

Ok, so imagine your child broke down during the assembly and you were left watching him in.floods of tears, along with all the other parents.
'What happened?'
'They made me go on, I didn't want to.'
How would you feel then?
When does a teacher pushing a child to do something become bullying them into it?

'

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Why would you prefer that they pushed him into doing it? That would be very unreasonable of them.

I have spent 5 years trying to explain to teachers that pushing my son to do something is going to distress him. They might not see it, but it builds up. If only all teachers listened to children, the world be a much happier place.

The idea that your child should be made to do something because you were upset baffles me.

If he didn't want to go in because he couldn't tell his unfunny joke, then that's how it is. He was happy colouring.

Please listen to what your child is saying to you, not make him fit your expectations.

Oh, and if "words were said" and you can't remember what, that's a bit concerning.

It's not about excluding him. It's about making sure that all the other children don't have to put up with a disruptive child. Doesn't mean it's going to happen every week. Sure, it sucks that you've taken time out of your day to go there, but surely this is a scenario that you could have anticipated?

I think they made what they thought was the best decision. They shouldn't be pushing him to perform, it's not fair on him, also they do have to think of the other children, if your son was going to be crying and upset that will have a knock on effect on the other children and it's their assembly too, it's not all about your child. Your post is very much your felling and how it made you feel which is totally valid but in the scheme of things irrelevant to the school, they are there for the children. I feel very sorry for the teacher and you've said things were said in the heat of the moment so I think you need to reflect on your own behavior.

The thing is he wasn't excluded, he didn't want to take part. If the teacher had pushed him into doing it and got upset in front of all the parents and kids you'd be on here telling a different story about how upset you are that the teachers forced your child into doing something he didn't want to do.

I think you are expecting too much of the school and teacher. She cant spend so much time trying to convince your son when she has 29 other kids to care for. If he was crying obviously they had to carry on to assembley and leave him with the TA.

Sorry but you are being totally unreasonable, no they shouldn't push your child into it. They tried he didn't want to thry tried again still didn't want to that's fair.

And as for using his own joke etc, of they allow him they need to allow everyone the same opportunity and they can't.

You mean well but your view is polarised, the school are right.

Hi OP. I think you've had a hard time here. I can totally understand why you were so emotional - if you are worried about your child's development or fitting in, that kind of thing really hits a nerve, and to sit for the whole assembly not knowing what was happening must have been torture! It's not ideal if your child knows you are so upset by it, but certainly nothing wrong in general with having a cry about anything. Some mumsnetters really seem to judge anyone who isn't a robot with 100% control over their emotions at all times!

I do think the school were right not to force him, but they were wrong to not let you know what was happening. Especially if you had to wait until pick up to ask, they didn't even let you know at the end. No wonder you got worked up about it. I can't imagine that happening at our primary. Indeed, I have been at many primary assemblies and nativity where an upset child has sat with their parent watching or maybe in the sides with their TA. That way they are still part of things and can even join in again part way through if they feel like it. So maybe that would have been better but I guess it depends how upset he was.

I will say that in years of having kids in primary, there is practically always one kid who gets upset or refuses to take part (different kids different years), and not always kids with SEN or who you might expect to be nervous, so try not to see this as bigger than it is. Assemblies are hard for many kids for many reasons.

I can't see any reason to disbelieve the story though, I'm not sure what you don't think adds up, so i would leave it now, or maybe just have a word next time there is a similar event about how any issues could be handled .

You can’t and shouldn’t force a crying child into assembly. Christ we have loads of kids at me school who find assemblies very tricky. Yes they all have their own ‘issues’and the whole point in caring for them is that some days they can cope and others allowances need to be made both for them and to keep the other children calm and safe.

Ok when I first read your OP I would have said gently that you were being unreasonable. I work with small children and if one was sobbing and didn’t want to do an assembly or a show we wouldn’t and couldn’t try to make them go in as we’d probably end up having to use unreasonable force. Once he was already crying and not wanting to go in they did the right thing keeping him happy with his map with the TA.

However, reading your subsequent posts, if all the children were asked to bring in a joke to read out I’m not sure we’d be so unkind to tell any of them, let alone one with GDD, that theirs wasn’t funny enough. Ok we might suggest if they had two that one was a better choice than the other but we’d let them tell the joke of their choosing. Half the time it’s the delivery of the joke that’s funny when they’re 5 and I’m sure all the parents would have laughed along anyway. Unless it was somehow inappropriate then the school didn’t need to say no to him.

I’ve worked with many children who get upset easily, sometimes due to SEN. As a member of staff who knew that child already, I’d obviously do what I could to avoid the child being upset before something big like this assembly, and this seems to be where your DSs school could have done better. Of course he can’t just get his own way on everything but for telling a joke to the parents there would have been no harm done letting him choose his favourite one.

I hope you are feeling ok today.

I understand why you’re emotional but it sounds as though the teacher did what they thought was best. They have a really difficult job trying to include everyone but also make sure the other kids enjoy it too. In a week this won’t matter. I’d suggest giving yourself a few days to calm down and then consider raising this- if you do decide to speak to school I would speak to the SENCO and the class teacher about some techniques to use next time. But no one is going to force a distressed/ anxious child on stage, nor should they.

First off, I want to say, I get why you are upset (I have kids with ADHD and get how hard it can be and how you feel like you are constantly fighting for them).

From an outside perspective, I don't think they were wrong, they initially tried to get him there and then tried a second time, unfortunately today wasn't his day to be there. Celebrate his joke with him at home. The pressure may have just been too much for him.

From an inside perspective, I feel the heartbreak that you felt when you were so excited to see your child succeed and be involved in something 'normal' and it didn't happen.

It's not the teacher's fault, it's not your fault and it's certainly not your son's fault, just keep working with him and one day it will be his day xx

Firstly, I don't think you are over reacting, it's great that you can show your emotions, it's so hard watching our children struggle.

Do you know what the second joke was, personally I don't think it matters if it was funny or not but could there be another reason why they couldn't allow it?

I say this kindly, from your post, it doesn't sound like they didn't want him in because of his crying but him not wanting to go in. I have a child with SN, has extreme social anxiety and to be honest, I would have been so upset, if they forced him into a situation, he didn't want to be in. Of course all children are different and this may not be the case for your child, if it was just a case of the joke not being funny, then I think allowances should have been made.

Don't let people guilt you for being upset, it doesn't help anyone keeping in your emotions.