5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

@SteakExpectations

I can sympathise, my son was often excluded from assemblies and I really feel like he missed out on those experiences. I wish I had spoken to school about it and offered to have him sit with me to watch the assembly with me instead of being in a room with a TA or sat by the head teacher’s feet.

It often seemed like he was being punished for his anxiety and I didn’t do nearly enough to prevent that from happening.

DS is now very happy and thriving at a specialist school. I’d urge anybody with children with SEN to look into local alternative provisions as there is such a huge difference between mainstream school barely meeting a child’s needs and a school specifically set up to meet their needs, especially for secondary.

The op's child wasn't excluded. He was too distressed to attend despite attempts by the teacher and TA to get him involved.

As a teacher myself I would have done nothing different. You cannot force a young child on stage just to please a parent, if he'd been forced on crying etc no doubt you would have been just as upset with them. School with have plenty of opportunities, he's only young and better to have a positive experience up there rather than negative!

@Ionlydomassiveones so glad you aren't my child's teacher you don't sound very patient !!

OP I get it completely I have it with my own dd on a daily basis, the disappointment from her that she's not like the other children is heartbreaking. Ignore the posters who are querying why you are upset. They clearly have never had to deal with this sort of thing.

Rubbish. I have one with ASD. Always been different but particularly at pre-school and primary age. Why would you be disappointed and upset they are not like other children? That’s so odd. They are them. They will never ever be like other children - and that’s okay. I think it’s fair to be upset that they find life a struggle but not that they are not like other children. As for the hysteria over a child not getting up at assembly to tell a joke and their preference for drawing and finishing a map. OP was upset because that’s not HER preference and she didn’t get her way to try and force her child to be normal. The child was likely completely happy drawing their map in peace and quiet. It is completely shit to try and force SN kids to be normal kids and then have a meltdown when they are obviously not. That’s so unfair to them.

I remember preschool graduation. Mine had worked so hard in rehearsals for it but come the time lost it and sat under a chair and refused to budge. So what? I wasn’t upset they didn’t prance across the stage in the gown, tell everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up and took their graduation diploma (yes, that really happened for preschool). Couldn’t give two shits and certainly no floods of tears and talks to the teachers. I was just proud as punch they made it through preschool considering their struggles.

Primary school and lower high school was a fucking nightmare due to a system that essentially tries to make SN kids like other kids and considers it a failure if that doesn’t occur including educational failure. Then it all snapped into place. They connected with true interests, found their tribe (others with the same SN) and education then turns specialised allowing them to ditch all the compulsory parts they can’t connect with. They will never be like ‘normal’ peers, ever, until the day they die. But, they did a prestigious degree, have an extremely high earning job they genuinely love, hobbies they love and a full social life with others like themselves (much fuller social life than their siblings without SN). To say it’s okay to be disappointed and upset that our kids are not like other kids is robbing them. They should be celebrated for who they are, not met with disappointment that situational circumstances didn’t align with how they were travelling at that point in time that precluded getting up on the stage with peers and telling a joke. The hysterical theatrics certainly isn’t warranted.

I wish I had spoken to school about it and offered to have him sit with me to watch the assembly with me instead of being in a room with a TA or sat by the head teacher’s feet.

This would not be appropriate in most schools as every child would also want to go and sit with their parents. It's very different from preschool.

The best way to help your child in this situation is to just be calm and matter of fact. The more drama you make of it, the harder it is for them.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Ionlydomassiveones so glad you aren't my child's teacher you don't sound very patient !! [/quote]
As a former teacher myself
He would have sat next to me holding my hand.
And would have said his " UNfunny joke."

@HoppingPavlova I didn't say I was disappointed I said my daughter is, she knows she's not like her peers and it upsets her a lot. Great that you had a good experience with your ASD child but we don't all have that.

All for those saying speak to the teacher again but if you were to put yourself in the teachers shoes.. she was trying to manage all those five year olds in front of a room full of adults. Side note: most of those adults can’t manage one of those five year olds on their own. They are all equally important to her and she cares deeply for every single one. Despite everything she was already doing she took time away from that to think of your son and encouraged him to join the rest of the class. Other than pull him up to the front against his will (where she’d get endless complaints for doing so) there was very little she could do in this situation. It’s very easy for parents to encourage others to ‘go upto the school’ at the drop of a hat but I think everyone should be mindful that the teacher is no doubt trying her absolute best. She’s trying to teach the full curriculum as well as put on an assembly, act all smiley in front of parents while praying no one steps out of line, remember who’s having what for snack/lunch, who’s additional support paperwork needs done in her own lunch time, who’s mum she still has to phone and on top of all of that (if it’s anything like my school) she’ll have paid for all props for the assembly out her own pocket. Hopefully someone said thank you to her for the massive amount of work she IS doing. What a stressful week she has had. Yes, encourage your son, hopefully next time he will be there to tell his joke but do just remember how much that teacher has had to deal with today before deciding she’s in the wrong

@Luckycloverzz 👏🏼👏🏼 Correct

@willwewontwe

All for those saying speak to the teacher again but if you were to put yourself in the teachers shoes.. she was trying to manage all those five year olds in front of a room full of adults. Side note: most of those adults can’t manage one of those five year olds on their own. They are all equally important to her and she cares deeply for every single one. Despite everything she was already doing she took time away from that to think of your son and encouraged him to join the rest of the class. Other than pull him up to the front against his will (where she’d get endless complaints for doing so) there was very little she could do in this situation. It’s very easy for parents to encourage others to ‘go upto the school’ at the drop of a hat but I think everyone should be mindful that the teacher is no doubt trying her absolute best. She’s trying to teach the full curriculum as well as put on an assembly, act all smiley in front of parents while praying no one steps out of line, remember who’s having what for snack/lunch, who’s additional support paperwork needs done in her own lunch time, who’s mum she still has to phone and on top of all of that (if it’s anything like my school) she’ll have paid for all props for the assembly out her own pocket. Hopefully someone said thank you to her for the massive amount of work she IS doing. What a stressful week she has had. Yes, encourage your son, hopefully next time he will be there to tell his joke but do just remember how much that teacher has had to deal with today before deciding she’s in the wrong

This

Belive me if you was to experience what I've gone through with him . You'd be emotional the littlest of things like seeing him in an assembly means the world to me seeing how he reacts with others and how he can be around his peers is all I want to see and yet again didn't get the opportunity. same as other events

OP are you getting enough support at a SEN parent? Have you considered counselling? It may help you to deal with these emotions as unfortunately it may not be the last time you have an experience like this.

@lambran Awwwww. I suppose it's too early to know whether some other kind of school would be better for him?

A friend's son has ASD and used to get very distressed when he went to mainstream school. Now in a school for kids with SEN etc, academically he's now doing really well and could probably go mainstream if he wanted, but emotionally the SEN school is so much better for him in some way and he'd rather stay there.

To say it’s okay to be disappointed and upset that our kids are not like other kids is robbing them

@HoppingPavlova It can take a lot of parents a while to get to that point, or the feelings of sadness etc come round again sometimes.

It's really unfair of those saying this child was excluded- he wasn't! He was too overwhelmed to attend- and then when he was calm again- didn't want to. That's not exclusion. The teacher didn't make the call- she actually listened to and supported a child who was distressed.

“First since covid”?
He’s in year 1? You’re massively overreacting and the teacher and staff sound like they’ve got his best interests at heart. You sound like you’re the one who cares more about seeing him “with his peers” than bloody happy! He even said to you he’d prefer to finish his map- but you think he should have done what you wanted him to do so YOU could see him.
I despair.

You are overthinking

He can’t tell his own joke, as I am sure you well know. If he had some sort of meltdown about the refusal to let him do that then the teachers were right to leave him outside the hall to calm down, what would you have them do? Let him in and continue to cause issues for everyone?

They went back at the interval amd he then decided he didn’t want to come in, so they left him with the TA

I simply don’t think they have been unreasonable, and that , both you and your son, need to understand they won’t just let him do what he wants. Part of being at school is following instruction

You should be explaining to your son why he couldn’t tell his own joke and should not have had a meltdown about it rather than being in tears yourself with the teacher

I think you might have overreacted, I don't think they sidelined him because they only wanted the children who sit nicely in front of the parents, sounds like he was upset so they didn't push him into it. Id be more annoyed if my child was sat there upset personally. I have a child the same age so I understand how invsted they get in these little things, but I think you might have overreacted here.

@Sleepeatrepeat

Sorry but I don't think they have done anything wrong here.

He became overwhelmed and unable to calm down. They removed him from a situation that was causing him distress.

I understand your disappointment but your reaction is massively over the top.

This.

You cried to much for a situation they handled correctly. Coming from someone with a child who reacts similar - I’d be more upset if they had pushed him into when clearly he was too emotional to do it.

Big over reaction!!!

He's Year 1! It's not like this is the only chance he'll have in his school career to perform in some way in front of parents.

I didn't say I was disappointed I said my daughter is, she knows she's not like her peers and it upsets her a lot.

Likely because from the get go she has been made to think she should be like her peers, from her parents, teachers and society. It’s an unspoken expectation from everyone around them which they pick up on. This then leads to feelings of not fitting in, understanding the world like their peers do etc. If these expectations truly don’t exist from all corners it goes a long way.

He chose to not do it. Thé couldn’t force him. It sounds like you are struggling but try not to blame the school. Maybe you could do with someone to chat to about your son’s needs and think of how you and he can be supported

I have a boy in my class this year with additional needs who always looks forward to special events like these but then gets frightened and confused when they actually start. He generally ends up doing a quiet activity elsewhere. It’s a shame but it’s just part of who he is. When he gets upset there’s absolutely no way of persuading him to stay, he needs to go somewhere he feels safe to calm down. It may have been a similar situation for your son, and the teacher was simply trying to help him feel safe and happy. As a parent I do understand your disappointment though, I really do.

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe

To be honest and I say this gently as a parent of a child with SN I think you are being unreasonable. He was tearful, he didn’t want to say the part he was given and when given the chance to go in after he had calmed down he said he didn’t want to. I don’t think the teacher should have pushed him into knowing he might get upset again in front of everyone. In their defence herding 30 kids through an assembly is quite an operation so it’s a bit unfair to give the teacher a hard time.

I'm a primary school teacher and have taught children with GDD in mainstream settings. I completely agree with this post.

The last thing I would do is push an already upset child, SN or not, to participate in something they were communicating to me was distressing for them to participate in (unless it was refusing to learn but even then, I'd still take the child's needs into consideration).

Put it this way. If she'd 'pushed' him to go in and was clearly distressed, upset the other children and highlighted his differences to all the parents in a hall full of children and parents, you'd have been upset about that too. And with more justification. She responded to his (overriding) needs at the time.

I understand its hard. Its just one more thing that has highlighted his differences to you. One more thing that harshly illustrates his life experience will be different to that of others but, having been the teacher in this situation, I can pretty much assure you that, outside of that assembly, was a happy little boy drawing with a TA who loves him and who he quite likely loves too. He'll have had a lovely time. She'll have made sure of it.

You're being so unreasonably

They kept your son safe and didn't force him to perform because he obviously didn't want to

The staff have validated his feelings and allowed him to choose. You need to praise that and thank them.

It's sad that you didn't get to see him on stage but actually - you saw (or rather were told) that he voiced his feelings - said no when asked. That is a big thing - something to be happy about.

Absolutely agree with this. You are prioritising your disappointment over your son’s feelings. He’s told you he was too upset to go in so they didn’t make him. Good! They’ve done their job. Now you need to do yours and praise him for coming up with the joke (incidentally if he’d stood up and told the joke, no-one laughed, would that have been what you wanted?) say you understand that he was upset and you are glad his teacher was so kind to him.

He ‘failed’ to do his joke in assembly and you’re at home crying your eyes out. Be careful what message you’re giving.

You need to explain to your son (who is clearly struggling to understand it) that he wasn’t kept out of assembly because his joke wasn’t funny, he wasn’t in assembly because he got upset and didn’t want to go). I expect your tears are confusing him. My SEN dc struggle with understanding cause and effect - even now as older teens - so you will really help him by properly explaining what happened rather than reinforcing his muddled understanding (that it was his joke rather than his upset that kept him out of assembly) with your tears.

I’m sorry, it’s a tough situation but one where you really need to keep your disappoint to yourself and just focus on buoying him up.

If you go in to complain to school (I’m on both sides of this situation as am also a teacher) you will be asked ‘well did you want us to force him to go in when he was upset?’ - unless you have a good answer to that, I’d leave it!

Hope you feel better about it all after some sleep.

Hi lovely. I think that the teachers showed kindness not forcing an upset child to perform. Children that age are often not great at communicating so there may have been a misunderstanding. He'll have plenty of opportunities to perform so don't worry.