5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

In the gentlest possible way, I think you are being a little unreasonable. It sounds as though they showed compassion to a child that was upset and overwhelmed, they tried to get him in to participate but he didn't want to, and surely it would have been far worse for him (and for you) if they had forced him and he'd got upset in front of everyone? Big hugs, it must be hard

Oh OP, this is so hard. People who haven't worried over their neurotypical kids simply won't get this one. It's heartbreaking. It's another moment of "he's not normal." Honestly the school doesn't seem to have done anything wrong here. Maybe next time ask to be with him before the assembly? Lots of schools would let you try and help him.

Just think op...if they'd pushed him to do it and he'd got upset or overwhelmed, you'd also feel pretty bad about that. They had to make a decision and they erred on the side of caution I think

Believe me if you was to experience what I've gone through with him . You'd be emotional the littlest of things like seeing him in an assembly means the world to me seeing how he reacts with others and how he can be around his peers is all I want to see and yet again didn't get the opportunity. same as other events
You didnt get the opportunity to see that because he isn't ready. He couldn't be calmed.

Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations a bit.
It's really hard, but I agree with this^^
Hopefully in time, taking little steps forward anf with the right support, your son will be happier to be involved in this sort of thing...but pushing him too forcefully could be really counterproductive and make it all even more traumatic for him.
...or it may be that he is happier to sit these things out.
Whichever way it goes, it may take a degree of acceptance, that may be hard, so be kind to yourself.

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe

To be honest and I say this gently as a parent of a child with SN I think you are being unreasonable. He was tearful, he didn’t want to say the part he was given and when given the chance to go in after he had calmed down he said he didn’t want to. I don’t think the teacher should have pushed him into knowing he might get upset again in front of everyone. In their defence herding 30 kids through an assembly is quite an operation so it’s a bit unfair to give the teacher a hard time.

I agree.

I know it's upsetting but YABU. He was too upset to attend so stayed away from the assembly. Would you rather him be there and be anxious and crying in front of his peers and parents. It sounds like he was better off in the calm classroom. As a teacher myself we can never be right. As a teacher myself I make sure all my SEN children are fully included but there are lots of times when it is just too overwhelming for them.

Op. I teach his age group. There's no way I would have forced a distressed child to go into a large assembly in front of many other parents and children. I understand that you feel upset.

I think the best way forward is to work with the school and your ds to slowly build up what he is comfortable doing with regards to assemblies.

You're being so unreasonably

They kept your son safe and didn't force him to perform because he obviously didn't want to

The staff have validated his feelings and allowed him to choose. You need to praise that and thank them.

It's sad that you didn't get to see him on stage but actually - you saw (or rather were told) that he voiced his feelings - said no when asked. That is a big thing - something to be happy about.

Similar to the previous posters, I don't think it's for the teachers to push him on this point when he is already distressed. I appreciate that it must have been very disappointing for you to not see him take part. It's all very new to him so he'll have more of an idea what is going on the next time they do something like this.

I can also see that it would be wise not to try and change his part on the morning of the event! Especially if the joke he developed on the morning might not have gone down as well as the previous one. He'll have other chances to participate OP, you'll see him up there with his class

I understand your upset OP. It must be hard to see your DS it joining in with his classmates' assembly.

But I think that if you reflect on this tomorrow, you'll possibly realise that the teachers did the best thing for your DS at that moment in time. It would have been unkind to push him into participating in the assembly after having been so upset. They gave him a choice later on and he decided he wanted to stay with his TA.

Perhaps you could ask if you could come into the class 5 mins before pick up one afternoon next week to watch him telling his joke to his classmates?

The thing is op, you would have been writing a different post if the teacher made him sit there, sobbing and inconsolable because he didn't want to do it.

She made the right choice for your son. I dont know what you would habe wanted to happen otherwise?

I can understand that this is upsetting.

I can equally imagine a parent being upset if their reluctant 5 year old was forced into doing something that they really did not want to.

I think there's a little of damned if you do, damned if you don't, for teachers in this scenario.

I think the teacher was right not to force a distressed child into the assembly. Because not only would that have risked distressing him more, but would also have made it more likely that he'd become distressed the next time. But a 5 year old with GDD managed to make up a joke and write it down himself? Bloody awesome!

You’re sad for you, rather than sad for him.

I’m glad they listened and respected his choice, it sounds like he’s well supported there.

But a 5 year old with GDD managed to make up a joke and write it down himself? Bloody awesome!
That is such a good point...you should be really proud of him!!

Also just want to make thist clear as im reading some of the comments still

he wasn't giving a line , he made up a joke he wanted to say but according to him he wasn't allowed to say it because it wasn't funny

Maybe the school could have quietly mentioned to you beforehand that he wasn't going to be up there, but i think they did the best thing for him by not forcing him to do anything he didn't want to do. I can understand your disappointment though.

Just to add, DC1 is in yr 2 and even some of those children can't sit still and stay quiet, that's young children for you, so i don't think they were singling him out for the reasons you think.

Loads of us were nearly in years when, in the Yr5 assembly, one of the DC in DD's class said his two words. The previous year he's been on stage and asked if he wanted to say his bit and he shook his head. The year before that, he'd been by the stage and, before that, at the back of the hall. Before that, he had been too overwhelmed to make it in.
They'd done so much work with this child over the years to get him used to going into the hall, to get used to assembly, to get used to different groups & activities in the hall.
Over the years, some DC have just come in for the final song, others have been there for the opening song, one year a child was sat with her 1:1 on the stage when parents arrived so she could watch us and decide what she wanted to do.
For a lot of children assembly is something they just don't think about. For others, it requires careful navigation.

Conversely I actually kept DS1 at home on the day of his first reception nativity. Seeing him up there and clearly not ready would have been far harder to watch. That said it came with time and there have been many wonderful class assemblies and Christmas plays that he has been in and thoroughly enjoyed. When he’s ready it will be a wonderful thing but pushing these things just because it would mean the world to you doesn’t make him ready or included. Take your cue from him on this if he’s not bothered right now about it then that’s ok.
There will be lots of lovely moments ahead for these things I promise

@purpleme12

I think OP probably is emotional I'm going to guess she can also see what we're saying on some level But when it's just happened it's the emotions that take over till we calm down and see it more logically

Thank you yes I can understand what everyone is saying and I do agree , but as you say I think its the emotions as if its true what his said to me then I feel that is not letting him express him self . The other week was dress up day to express your self he wanted to wera fancy dress they said no, but that's him expressing him self you see

You're not overreacting at all OP, please ignore the comments saying that you are. There seems to be a fashion on MN at the moment for sneering at people for crying/showing emotions, even when it is clearly in proportion to the situation.

I have been where you are, with a 5yo with SEN. It can feel incredibly raw at times, seeing your beloved child at a disadvantage and missing out on things that his peers are doing. It's really, really hard and there is NOTHING wrong with getting upset about it.

I do think the teachers probably made the right call this time, though. If your son was really distressed and crying, it may just have been impossible for them to calm him down enough to bring him in, and it would have been a hundred times more upsetting for you and for him if they had brought him in in a state and he'd had to be removed again.

for you - chin up, keep going - there will be many, many other chances to see your little boy shine, and it will get easier, I promise.

I think you are being a bit unfair to expect them to allow a new joke made up that morning and not the one he had presumably practiced.
It's great that he wrote it down but perhaps you also needed to play a part in managing his expectations.
There are always several children who end up too overwhelmed to join these performances. I think you're attaching much more to this because of his struggles.
As far as he's concerned he's had a nice day and drawn a lovely picture. Take his lead and don't build it up to 'he's always going to be left out' which is probably the real root of your upset

OP, are you perhaps still coming to terms with his diagnosis, and the differences between your son and a neurotypical child? I think there can be a grieving process for the things you expected, such as assemblies and sports days. I’m sure you love and support your son just as he is, but maybe this isn’t how you envisaged things being for him? So you were invested not so much in this one assembly, but in what it represented?
I follow some fantastic special needs parent bloggers who talk a lot about this stuff.. Finding Cooper’s voice is one.. and who probably say it better.
and for you and your son. Hopefully you can have a positive conversation with his teacher on Monday. x

I think the teacher did try.
I can only imagine that she had a tonne of excited little kids, she had the whole assembly planned and so when any child (as your DC may not have been the only one) tried to go off script that she automatically said no. And probably said no to anyone who wanted to change what they wanted to do. Maybe have a chat to her about that

I’d then have a chat to your DC about how much planning and work goes into assembly and once your part is agreed you can’t just change it at the last minute. I think that’s where the problem arose.

You can tell him how amazing he is to have so many great ideas (because he is) but when a event is planned you need to go with the plan
I’m sure one day you will both look back on this and laugh about it. He will have many successful assemblies ahead of him I’m sure