I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

that's sad, does the girl seem upset by this?

It's me, isn't it????

Do you work Gameboy?
How do you know all this anyway? Are you a teacher at the school?
I forgot to give my ds his money for a trip once 'cos things were so hectic at work and because I had a bad cold and just wasn't thinking straight. He was upset but I don't think he will be scarred for life.
How do you know that the mum is actually getting the notes? I've not known about plenty of events at school as my chn have lost notes.

Saadia - I don't really know her that well, as DS isn't particularly friendly with her, but a friend of mine who helps in the classroom (who I was discussing this with after yesterday) said that she is a lovely girl, but just rather quiet, and tired a lot of the time .

Mumblechum - I think we ALL can relate to bits of this some of the time (I have certainly had to dash back to school with jeans on at least one forgotten mufti day) but what makes me sad is that it just seems so regular.

It MUST affect the little girl - being 'different' isn't something 7 year olds like?

I think you need to find out more about the situation before being so judgemental.

Her mum might be:

a)ill
b)in an abusive relationship
c) suffering from depression

If you really are genuinely concerned that this child is at risk then you should speak to social services.

Why is it sad that she's quiet?
Why is someone who works in the class discussing someone elses child with another parent?

Cornsilk - I work school hours and some evenings, and have sometimes helped in the classroom for DS1 and DS2.

I know about it because the TA (who made the call to home on the school trip day) was rather frustrated by the response and probably said too much! (Unprofessional, I know, but it happens...) It seemed like it was just the final straw in a long sequence of occasions when she had had to improvise/ sympathise/ cheer up this little girl.

There is no excuse for the TA to be gossiping about someone's child with her friend, helping out at the school or not.
You are making a lot of assumptions here Gameboy.

Re: mufti - my kids prefer wearing their uniform on those days and giving the money anyway - I'd be a bit miffed if someone assumed I'd just forgotten (though I am a bit useless at remembering these things myself)

social services?

er, get a grip folks

if she works, she will be busy

get her a busy mums organiser thing, cod sells them on here, do search

and stopping discussing her behind her back may be helpful

I don't get the impression that Gameboy is judging the other mum, but is more concerned that the child is being let down so frequently.

There is a child like this in dd's class. The mum died unexpectedly last year. The father is doing the best he can, but the child is often unprepared for various school events. It's a very sad situation, and I don't know what can be done.

Agree, olive.

This is rather nasty, imo. We all muck up sometimes, working mums or not.

My ds sometimes goes toschool with no lunch money because we both forget. He goes to Matron for a loan. If I thought she was slagging me off about it I'd be well pissed off.

Your friend (the TA) should be sacked. It's appalling that she's discussing other children with you, under any circumstances.

I am with you oliveoil, social service no way, sounds like whilst it may not be ideal the mum is trying her best, this is a little too judgemental for my liking.

I metioned social services to try and make the OP realise that what she's talking about are minor rather than major problems.

this kind of nattering makes my blood boil and glad that I go out to work.

I am also feeling a lot of unstated hostility about working mums.

I am a working mum and I am super organised.

As are a lot of mums who don't work.

Also annoyed that it all comes down to the girl's mum - what about her dad?

This is normal for the child though Gameboy.
And while other mothers may be shrieking at thier kids on the way to school bogged under with the correct kit...this mum might be having a nice dawdle with her dd even though they dont have the right kit with them today.

I am an incompetant parent. My dds are 9 and 6.
They remind ME what days they need things. They shout downstairs from bed... Have you fed the cat mum....have you injected the cat mum, its bin night tonight mum, have you took the bin out? etc....
I realise this isnt the norm, but they know im scatty and forgetful and so this is the norm for them.
Maybe, just maybe next year the dd will realise she has to read the notes, prompt the mum to get the right things on the right day, or do it herself.

i think if you are worried you should speak to the teacher
and read mslucys post again

we should all stick together as busy mothers, not have this gossip mentality

What's wrong with being in after school club? That's what they are there for! That comment makes me suspicious that your problem really is that her mother works and you disapprove.

Wind your neck in or just step in and help out if necessary.

Agree too, this had made me a little bit annoyed, I work full time and often forget things for dd when she goes to childminder and g parents etc, does that make me a bad mother?

Eh No, just a very hardworking,stressed working mum like the rest of us.

yes, do think you are being over-judgemental. I work full-time, and I struggle sometimes to keep up with my dd's school's activities. I've had my dd come home in tears, because teacher has told dd that if I don't fill in the consent form by tomorrow, she won't be able to go on the school trip (I'd already given permission, and paid the money, but the consent form had passed me by).

I think the TA has breached confidentiality by speaking of this to you- if she has concerns, she should speak to the person responsible for welfare, not a mate of hers...

And, so what if the child is "quiet", so was I as a child, I still am, it is not necessarily a sign of an "incompetent" mother.

If the girl's mum works she won't have the benefit of having other parents to remind her of events or seeing posters in school. I've not known about LOADS of things - trips, assemblies, dressing up days 'cos my ds is useless at bringing notes home. If it wasn't for being able to chat to other mums I'd have missed things too.

green eyed monster me thinks

Message withdrawn

We WERE concerned that perhaps the mum was a)b) or c), but a few people who knew her better, and of her family situation said they really didn't think so (although of course, who knows, these things are very private issues)
They felt that she just doesn't seem to want to engage in any way.
I agree it was unprofessional of the TA, but I think she was just so angry by the response when she phoned up - to be told "oh well, I'm sure you'll sort it out somehow". Perhaps I should add that the Mum works from home, and they live less than half a mile from the school.

no, you shouldn't add that, you shouldn't even know that, or what she said... I'm getting angry now (takes my mind off the Shrek thread )

I think you should drop the subject altogether (unless you are going to report your friend to the head for her gross unprofessionalism...no, thought not)