I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

They do Edam, but I already ahve tomdress ds3 of a morning and he fights me so i dont ahve time (he's almost 4 and SN) so everyone also has to learn when they can get attention, and when its not possible

Its not a hard lesson I dont think. Its one we all have to learn in order for famillies to function well. Had he chosen a morning when Dh was around, or DS3 was collected by Cm wouldn't have been an issue.

yes true

I'd never ever actually take them to school in their pjs though so it would be utterly empty threat here

Agree Enid

With 5 kids I do everything I can to keep things running smoothly especially in the morning. If I refused to take my kids somewhere coz my 4 year old wouldn't get dressed, we would stay indoors permanently

I don't think it's really babying her if I use gentle persuasion and I have never had to get to the stage where we don't do the school run because she won't get dressed. Ok I didn't use gentle persuasion this morning when she refused to walk to school. I left her at the doorstep and went with the other kids She caught up after 2 minutes.

Oh I would

But the school would be OK about it I think would agree with me, so it wouldn't be an issue (would put uniform in bag obv so he could change in toilet)

would rather do that than make the other 2 late, or leave him home alone whilst i went over

I wouldn't actually threaten anything that I would not actually carry through with. When DS (now 11) was younger he always dallied in the mornings and at the time we had quite a long drive to school, I would always be chivvying him which became very boring. Every morning I used the words "we are going to be late, blah blah" but he dallied on regardless and knew that I would ulitimately help him out as I couldn't stand for him to be late. Eventually at a parents' eve I told his class teacher about this morning charade and told her that the following morning I was going to allow him to be thoroughly late. He was absolutely mortified when he realised that I really was going to allow him to be late and put him in through the main front door (the normal side gate closed at 9.00am) to ring the bell then explain and apologise for being late. His teacher apparently told him that it was fine this once but not to make a habit of it or there would be serious consequences like school rules. He was much better thereafter.

alisonmc - a very well put post, i totally agree. As a SAHM who will probably return to work when DD goes to school im hoping to avoid this too

cyclonbabe, i dont think you are incompetent, but maybe a little harsh

i think part of the problem I have here is how much store is being put on how things appear.

to be quite honest, there is a quite serious level of non-partcipation going on here.

I honestly CAN'T see how that would happen just through crapness. there IS something else going on.

you want a suggestion for what to do? have a chat with her. Invite her kid round. Make an effort. don't make her the subject of school gossip. believe me she will know about this, because your kids will tell her kids.

and wheres the dad in all this? if you've never seen him, is she a working lone parent? if so, bloody hell she has my respect.

yes, i was being rather harsh... but, right now, she is asleep, ds2 is playing quietly , ds1 is off at a friends house and peace and calm reighn supreme and i can sit back and contemplate that situation.
this is not usually the case in my house. three boisterous kids with busy social lives and a difficult dh means life is never the faerie lala land i would like it to be for my children.
my kids school really and truly doesnt seem to have any idea tha parents have more than one child, and perhaps need to get soem housework done? food cooked? let alone have lives. for example, for many weeks now, once a week , i drop the boys off at 9, dd off at 1240, then come back again at 140 for her swimming, which ends at 215, and then back again at 315 for school pickup.
the school dayis followed by the kids various after school activities. football, beavers, scoouts, ballet, more football, and tutors depending on the day.
the fire engine business just the final straw, (at the time) but saying no doesnt make me an incompetent or lazy mom. just a practical one.
what the op was saying is imo just nosiness. she's not befriending somone and helping them, which would be the decent thing to do, she's commenting on someone elses parenting style in a negative manner. this is not a particularly nice trait. either do something helpful, or dont. but dont gossip about it.

althoug i spose its not really gossipingas none of us know the persons in question.

I do know how you feel cyclon with 5 kids 3 of them at the same school but at different times I practically live at the school and with a 7m old it's even harder But I would rather go to the school many times than not allow my child to join in with a school activity

I am sorry though for calling you lazy

Ok glad I appologised coz Cyclon we will be having dinner together tomorrow night

What if instead of a school activity like the fire engine it was a social one, like a birthday party? Do you all take your children to all the parties they are invited to or do you sometimes selfishly (as it's been called) prioritise other things? I think we all know the answer to that one. But yeah, let's blather on about selfishness.

"she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc."

You'd have thought with so much nosiness you'd all have known and offered the help not just bitch about it afterwards, having done nothing.

(Goodness, I've just realised I'm meeting two people on this thread tomorrow night too. We won't talk MN, OK?)

CTA - I feel sure that forgetting birthdays is something only done by Incompetent Mothers.

But deliberately avoiding? That must be the province of an even more sorry breed of mothers - the Selfish Mothers.

Ds has missed a few birthday parties because we have been doing other things. A couple of children can't come to his because they are doing other things.

Selfish

Surely the birthday party thing is a whole other thread - ofcourse its OK not to go to a birthday party if you already have something else planned. Forgetting or not RSVPing is rude though.

I was thinking whether it's worse not to go to a social event because it's organised by the school (the fire engine example) and why that would be - it's not compulsory, just something enjoyable, as a b'day party would be. I won't go further into it, though, because I'm meeting the two mums initially talking about it tomorrow night

Mymama, I have not finished reading the thread but I didn't want to leave your heartfelt posts unanswered considering you and your free from everything chocolate cake have done for us as a family

Anyways, I'm sorry that you had such bad experiences as a child, your feelings are perfectly valid. What does hurt is not the odd mistake and forgetfulnes here and there but the incesant repetition of them. It would be impossible for someone who has not had an uncaring mother (yes, I said uncaring, because while everyone forget things or do mistakes, there are some mothers who can not be called anything else) that a mum can be so hurtful towards their children simply by ignoring their superficial needs most of the times.

As many have mentioned on this thread, children of some not exactly well focussed parents are highly likely to grow up into strong persons. I'm sure you have grow up to be a strong woman, so do I, but the price paid to be this way, doesn't justify the miserable childhood some children have to go through. Besides.... not all the children end up being strong, others are broken by their parents lack of attention.

Many hugs

Chadnra

last post made me cry...so heartfelt..and no, not eing sarky...have not followed the thread enough to go into it all...sorry

"if a fire engine is going to organised then it should be organised at a time that means parents can do something other than burn petrol in their cars in order for their children to enjoy it."

Actually, visits by fire engines have to be organised at a time the fire service can manage, the school probably didn't have much choice.

Not much choice, although if the only slot available was 8pm they'd have probably refused. More importantly, i hope the firemen realise they are expected to come in their work uniform whatever the time slot.

Is that for the benefit of the mothers, or the children?

I realise the thread died but I wanted to add:

The thing that upsets children more than anything is the feeling that other people are criticising their parents or judging them. Their loyalty outweighs their desire to be 'normal'.

I remember the feeling that my parents were being judged or looked down on by others, and this probably stands out a mile as a hurtful childhood memory.

god cloud you are so absolutely right there.

yes I remember that too.