I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

Yes, that makes her incompetent. Right up there with parents who are substance abusers, criminals, etc.

Get a grip!

Not wishing to be rude here, but this mother is not abusing her child, or neglecting her to any serious degree.

What on earth do people want the teacher to do about it?

I've taught kids who have been neglected and abused, I've worked had to get things sorted.
This sounds as if it is simply a woman who is disorganised.

None of us know what is happenening at home. For all we know this mother could be super mum in her spare time.

Just for the record, can I get something straight here

• I am NOT a school-gate mum/ SAHM, whatever you want to call it. I work about 35 hours a week around my children's school hours.
• I used to work 9-6, 5 days a week until fairly recently.
• Both my kids were in nursery from 6 months until they went to school, and my eldest was in the (same) after school club for 3 days a week for the first term.

HOWEVER even during this time I made it a priority of mine to keep on top of things which were integral to the smooth-running of my children's lives. Yes - I dropped balls and they forgot things on certain days, and Daddy sent them to school without coats, or I missed the odd party invitation etc. But I did my best, and got it right maybe 80% of the time.
My comment was that I don't think this mother has made the same commitment, and she has 'got it right' less than 10% of the time.

And for anyone who thinks these things don't matter for your children, I can tell you that I have had my eyes opened in the last year since I have been more actively involved in my children's school life.
You don't need a TA to tell you that "X didn't have their lunch" or "Y came to the new class sooooo late" - the kids are talking about it themselves.

Anyway - just needed to get that off my chest. But you're right, maybe someone should say something/ do something. I'm just not convinced it will make any difference in this particular case.

Of couse it doesn't put her on a par with substance abusers, however, she is still slack and I would say damaging her child for forgetting important school things on a such a regular basis. These things matter to children fgs.

mumblechum, you're obviously confusing me with someone else.

And yes, she may be a good mum in many ways people don't even see.

Those who think she is screwing up - ask yourselves how many of you would trust your DHs to get these things right?

Then remind yourself of this - that it sounds like she is doing the DH-style job as well as being Mum.

Why not suggest to the school that they email letters etc?

Myds is at secondary now and he may as well be on aonther planet for 7 hours a day. They email the newsletter & other vital info, otherwise I wouldn't have a clue.

Many things matter to children, kitty, as they do to all people.

A lot of people grow up, and they regulary making a mountain out of moehill.

Now I see where the seeds of such a tendancy are sown.

well, you're all very forgiving people

Forgiving?

Sorry for grammatical lapse there.

Was on the phone .

Volunteer reading help I think tissy - the TA who was exasperated when phoning on the trip, and the classroom helper who said that the little girl was sad, are two different people.
I have to say that when this sort of thing happens it makes me doubly glad that any judging of children's circumstances/appearance/equipment has to stop at our school gates. Our school won't allow parent helpers into the classroom.
Gameboy, I think we all agree that parents vary with how engaged they are with their child's school and we all have different levels of ability to keep all the balls in the air.
Why not send a note home with the little girl, asking her round for tea? Or if you are concerned about this, speak to the teacher. NOT the TA, I think.

I don't think there is anything to "forgive" as such. "Understanding" perhaps.

Jesus, this could be me.

In some ways I am disinterested, in the sense that I trust the people looking after my children to do a good job and not need me hovering round protectively all the time.

I always forget these sort of things - I just can't understand why there have to be so many demands on parents to do this, that and the other. Bring this thing in, that thing in, wear such a colour etc. I have given up trying to keep up.

Here's another example. dd1 has been at pre-school for a year now. At break time the children are given a choice of milk or water to drink. If they absolutely will not drink either of those, they are allowed to bring in their own drink, in a beaker with their name on.

It turns out that dd1 is the only one in the class who doesn't have her own beaker, which she recently gave me a huge and very sad monologue about. She felt very left out.

The next week I brought in her very own beaker with her name on, with WATER in it! The nursery then told me they had banned the practice because it was getting out of hand.

I am not surprised that one parent has stopped trying - it amazes me more how mant of them keep up.

Who's forgiving who?

you don't sound all that concerned though Gameboy, you come across as very judgemental and passing on hearsay in teh hope that we'll all jump in and judge her with you.

my mum is quite vague and i soon learned that if anythign needed to be done i had to remind her.

I forget stuff and fuck it up, dd forgets stuff, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. We laugh about it. Beacuse we love each other. She knows I try my best. She knows I love her.

She trusts me totaly. We are utterly honest with each other. Recent stuff we have had to deal with would have blown the mind of an adult, but she copes with it all. We do fine.

I couldn't give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thinks.

I don't think there's anything that can be done in this situation. You can't tell other people how to parent their children and includes how much time and effort to put into their child's school activities.

I'm totally lost about this forgiveness bit. Who needs to be forgiven? And by whom?

Bye!

The responses to the OP on here are OTT harsh IMO.
Maybe the OP hasn't phrased things as best she might, but the final words give away the meaning of the post - she feels sorry for the little girl.
I hardly think that's bad.
If the OP finds the situation a little odd or hard to understand, that's her prerogative.