I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

Why do you feel sorry for the child? Does she seem particularly unhappy about forgetting the mufti stuff etc.?

Think "incompetent mother" in the thread title is also inflammatory.

God Im like this too, and I only have one child and dont work!
I'm just beyond forgetful and scatty. I set reminders on my phone for things the day before, I get the reminder and them promptly forget
Dd has been known to go into school in uniform when the others are in their own clothes. On Monday morning I frantically signed a permission slip for a trip that day that I'd forgotton about.
Some people sre just crap at stuff like that, but my dd is fine, happy, enjoys school etc I don't think I'm damaging her for life!

Who are 'we' and 'they' Gameboy? How many other people has this TA been talking to about this child?

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Her response is exactly the sort of thing I'd say if I was on the phone, up against a deadline or really stressed by some work nonsense.

Yes, it would make me sound a complete uncaring cow, but I think these things can be deceptive.

If you're really worried, I think you should find a way to talk to her directly.

If she's a friend of your ds it shouldn't be impossible.

I think it's good that your concerned, it just bothers me that your so quick to jump to conclusions.

I also would be livid if Ta's were gossiping about my having forgotton things to other parents..that is very very out of order
If the staff at the school are truly concerned about it then they need to speak to the parents in question not every other parent but them!

oh gawd.. not another WOHM vs SAHM fight...

OK - change the title of the thread - "I feel sorry for this little girl" - because I do...

There is lots more to this which I'm not going to post which makes me concernd

This is not about a few missed fancy dress days, as I say, we all do that - it's about an on-going lack of engagement and involvement in a child's school life and emotional development, and I guess my real question is why on earth might this be? (assuming that it's not any of the a) b) or c)).

People have extended invitations - they have been ignored or rejected.
The school are clearly aware that it is an on-going situation.

I am not here to bash working mums (I am one myself), or alpha mums (whatever they are), I just find it hard to understand how someone is happy to neglect some of the very simple little things which can make a big difference to a child's sense of inclusion and happiness at school? That's all.

I work 3 days so only drop/pick up from playgroup on Mon and Fri

I see things on the noticeboard I know nothing about!

MIL goes but it is not for her to keep me informed, I get notes but sometimes they get lost

unless you do drop off/pick up every day, you miss stuff

that is life

I am however super organised and write things down in my diary AND on the kitchen calendar - but I still sometimes forget Fruit Day (whatever the feck that is)

can the childs teacher speak to the mum? one to one to cut out any gossiping

eg we have noticed Tilly does not have x, y, z, and it may cause her to be upset/not bothered/certifiable, what can you do to make you care/more organised/bothered?

etc

I could be this mother quite easily. However, whilst I am scatty, disorganised and overworked, I am not an incompetent mother.

I'm very grateful that my DC's teachers, TA's and other parents have recognised my many failings, and go out of their way to make sure that I am reminded frequently of events / forms etc. I'm very fortunate to have these people as my friends.

I've no doubt that some people will think that I am permanently damaging my dc's by not spending all my limited organisational skills on getting them fitted up for school, rather than in bringing in much needed wages. However, I do get told frequently that my DC's are lovely, so I must be doing something right - if only by default.

I'd be horrified if I thought that a TA was talking to another parent like this about my child.

My ds1 sometimes chooses to wear school uniform on non-uniform days. Letters don't always seem to end up in his bookbag either, so there are times when I've had to rush back home for something. WRT school trips, sometimes the school expects children to pass on messages about the smaller details. I either don'tt get the message at all or ds1 will mention it in passing 2 days later.

And what on earth is wrong with going to the after-school club? I'm a SAHM so don't need to use it but my ds1 would love to go to the after-school club.

Being less than perfect doesn't make a parent incompetent - just human.

GameBoy

I posted a very similar thread here, and got a similar response, where a lot of the working mums thought the tread was aimed at slighting them, rather than just being sorry for the child.

I'm with you on this one, but then I feel that, regardless of work committments etc, ONE PARENT of a child should ensure that the childs needs come FIRST, and those needs include working with school and helping the child to fit in.

I don't believe that mothers shouldn't work full time if they are happy doing so. I do believe that, whatever pressures that puts on you, then you should ensure that your child doesn't lose-out because of it (fine if dad can take up where you leave off) .

Off now to make sure my accounts are finished, while you all shout at me.

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have you thought that she may just be poor? Some children wear school uniform all the time including weekends because their parents cannot afford to buy the school uniform and other clothes as well, this would also explain lack of PE kit and lack of money to go on school trip.
If the child is healthy and happy then what are you worried about it's hardly cause to call the poor woman an incompetent mother.

I worry that my dd will end up like that

Actually, this is my dd you're talking about!! Or it could have been when she was 7.
I think you are being incredibly judgemental, not to mention nosy and as for the TA - I think she should be sacked. The sort of things you are saying are the reasons why people hate nosy, gossipy 'school gate' mums with a vengeance.
In response to the 'problems' you mention

1. Why can't the school just have kids keeping their PE kits in school. That's what my son's school does.
2. Why should she dress up for book day/mufti day etc. Surely these things are optional and tbh a real pain in the ass for busy parents.
3. Don't see it as a huge problem the girl being in After School Club till 6. That's what it's there for and my dd did this for years without any harm done to her.

Thanks Clumsymum - you've rather more eloquently made the same point I was trying to make!

It is a very similar situation (we're not talking about the same girl are we??!)

Oh, and as another example - when the children went off to visit their new junior school last week, this girl turned up 45 mins late (as the parents had gone to the normal school first). So she had to be taken into her 'new' class with 29 pairs of eyes staring at her as the 'late one'.
I know I would HATE that, so it must be hell for a 7 year old...

link on here for organised mum diary/calendar stuff for all you disorganised types

lots of people on here rave about the pocket life book

I am awaiting mine so cannot report back but look on the link

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Do you posters REALLY not think TAs and teachers talk about the children? Us as mums do surely and it's not that we are being judgemental all the time, it's just that we see/feel something that "isnt quite right" and it enters our conscientousness (sp sorry) and we worry about it. What's wrong with that? If there is nothing wrong with the girl and the adults are worrying over nothing then good. But maybe, just maybe, there is something wrong and good on the OP for being concerned and trying to do something

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Gameboy, that is sad, I too have seen this happen at my dc's school. Alright, they aren't the most serious parenting offences, but it's still neglect and I have no doubt that this parent's selfish behaviour will affect the confidence and self esteem of the child. There's no excuses for being so consistently crap.

She might be a fabulous mother in other ways. She might be clever and funny and sweet and kind and know lots of stories and be good at netball and generally be ace. Just a bit disorganised.