Please don't 'baby' your children

[pineapple95]

Where do I start?

Parents of my y3/4 class routinely carry their children's bags in, take their lunch bags to the hall, hand in letters and money, put their reading diaries and spelling books in the right places on the right days, linger in the corridor chatting ... for goodness sake MAKE YOUR CHILD LOOK AFTER THEIR STUFF!

7-9 year olds can carry bags and remember books. Don't baby them. Even 3 year olds can carry their bags - don't be that parent who mollycoddles their children.

My daughter has poor working memory, that means we work HARDER at her self management. Routines are practiced, checklists are developed together and verbal and text prompts are all that she requires.

I do nothing for her that she go do herself because a physical memory of carrying out self care supports her working memory.

We live in a town that has one of the highest drop out from university rates in the country and when I see parents going on, I see why.

That will not be my daughter, SEN or no SEN.

It has been like a boot camp at times but each week there are less and less prompts and more and more done by her without help. I babied her when she was a baby, now my role is to support her to develop into a fully functioning adult who is not held back by a terrible memory or incompetence at self management.

My ds 4 has loads of stuff to carry,some days he manages and some days he needs a hand.You don't sound very tolerant to say you're a teacher tbh

I think there is a middle ground here. I used to give help where it was needed but I didn't stagger home like a packhorse whilst several (and sometimes their friends) children skipped ahead. A bit of responsibility is good for them. Equally, you need to keep an eye out for where they are not coping.

A bit of responsibility helps them out later on, and helps them develop high self esteem. My kids were goggle eyed at the legions of parent toy riders. They coped well in class with expectations as a result.

The point is that children who are inadequately parented are much harder to teach

I can't believe the number at university who still expect Mummy to metaphorically carry their book-bag for them. There are also very many who are carers or carry other burdens beyond their years and do so admirably too.

My Ds still struggles with a knife not because he hasn’t been taught but he has hyper mobility

Toy tidiers!

Both my kids have SN, totally different types, but I try to instil as much independence as possible. DD11 has ASD, learning difficulties, sensory processing disorder and high anxiety, goes to SS where they help her with her independence skills, as we do at home. She makes herself cup of tea, dresses herself, showers herself. But I cannot let her go alone in the community just yet, due to her very high anxiety and loosing all coping skills when she has a meltdown, hopefully in the future who knows.

Ds 6 nearly 7, has dyspraxia and learning difficulties, but is a naturally independent boy who craves independence, he will be fine. I hardly have to do much. I will not let him go to the local shop 3 mins walk away on his own yet, but that will change in a few years time, he is very with it in comparison to dd. If teachers punish my children as they have done wrong, I totally support them.

One of mine is very independent - the other I've no doubt gets eye rolls from unsympathetic staff members each September that she's being "babied" when I'm breaking instructions down for her to follow (she can't follow multi-step instructions easily) and reminding her at the school door that "you have three things to hand in - three"... they rapidly learn exactly WHY I'm doing it that way - because she needs that little bit of scaffolding to enable her to BE independent because of her SN. We have lists, we have reminders but we also have to break instructions down to enable her to follow them.

With the way the class teacher's been this year - I'm beyond the point of giving a shit what she thinks of me to be honest (we're at the point of fortnightly meetings with the SENCO because she's been caught out actively lying about SN provision being carried out and facilitated in class when it's not being). Actually many of the issues we're having are the class teacher's refusal to engage and implement strategies to enable her to BE independent - things like reminding her of set places to keep her belongings and the like - and then lying to the SENCO completely that this stuff IS going on when it's not.

Chosennone
That's also my experience. Boys being mollycoddled by mums but rarely girls. Same for lesson disruption, much more likely to hear 'hes always been a bit spirited / sometimes he's just away with the fairies / can you just extend the trip payment because it was in his bag all along' for boys but not so much for girls. Not all boys though obviously.

But then that also makes sense when you see the MIL threads on here and it's MIL being weird or off because someone's taken her little boy away from her.

I never really saw the connection until I joined MN.

MaisyPops, I don't mollycoddle my ds. But he does have some difficulty, even though he seems totally capable. Mine is spirited and away with fairies a lot. But I do back up the teachers every time, since ultimately, that's what is good for him, to be told off and learn to concentrate in the class.

But it should be a two way approach, make it easier for the children - I salute a four year old who can do the buttons on a school shirt, tie a tie, put on a jumper and a blazer with two very firm buttons, carry a book bag, lunch bag, water bottle and sometimes a boot bag (all separately), put in where it should be in a classroon and won't forget anything on the way home.
Luckily our teachers understand that it is impossible and are happy to help.
French children have those large backpacks where at least everything can stay in one place, only taken out as needed.

irvineoneohone
Sorry that was my poor phrasing. Not everyone who needs a bit of help is mollycoddled, but when I do see mollycoddling and banging at secondary it tends to be more towards boys than girls.

E.g. Hi Mrs Pops, sorry to call again Harry has lost his coat again and we were wondering if you could look for it for him because he says he has looked everywhere. He's always losing things. It would be great if you could go down to the canteen/break area at the end of break and lunch and check he has everything.

Hi Mrs Pops, I don't suppose you've seen Harry's PE bag. He put it near the shelves in the canteen but it's not there now.
Me - well Harry has a locker he can use and actually his bag was picked up by the lunch duty staff as it was flung on the floor.

Hi Mrs Pops, we are very concerned that Harry has had some break detentions from teachers. Could you have a word with the teachers and tell them we don't appreciate them doing that without discussing it with us first, otherwise Harry will think the teachers don't like him. What he really needs is for teachers to call us before having those conversations with him so we can reassure him that everything is ok.

And so on.

*babying

Chosennone

We High School teachers obviously have/had different experiences but I still remember, over twenty years on, doing a messy Maths lesson, glue and paint were involved, with Year 9 or 10, 14/15 years olds. Ten minutes before the end I chucked a wet cloth down and said Wipe your tables over. When I looked again one girl was cleaning the tables for a group of boys and when I asked her Why she said You can't expect a lad to clean a table Miss! The worst part was, she was deadly serious.
The person who said this doesn't carry over to University would be amazed, Mummy is often still there micro-managing.

Totally agree.

My friend use to empty her children bags for them and sort pe kit and letters tac when they were year 8
She's a teacher!

My ds has to carry all his own stuff but does need help (prompting!) to organise himself as has autism and dire executive function skills.

But he does it - I nag provide verbal assistance

But he does it - Inagprovide verbal assistance
You sound like a few of the parents from my last parents' evening!
"We are happy to assist and remind nag them and remind them that if they forget it's their own bloody fault for not listening but ultimately it's up to them"

Ds doesn't get the choice though! He packs everything he needs whether he likes it or not. I don't offer it as a choice

'complaining that an e cig was confiscated from her year 9 and insisting it was given back, justifying that swearing and bad behaviour in an exam was because their DS was bored and didn't like exams'.

Dear god. What chance have the kids got with parents like that?!

lotta
Some kids have their chances reduced by parents with that attitude. It's the same people who will argue that their child was just talking to a friend when they were deliberately disrupting the lesson, were put in isolation just for asking the teacher to explain something when the reality is teacher asked the child to follow a rule and the child was disruptive, rude and argumentative (probably followed by a MN post about blind obedience, conformity, teachers being considered gods and anyone who calls them out on their actions is a teacher worshipper).

They are the minority but it's heart breaking to see students with bags of potential throw it away because their parents are quite happy to allow them to.

Maisy, yes it is downright sad for the kids. The parents sound like people who never take any responsibility for anything themselves ever

Following on from my previous post...I get that some children may find it difficult to use a knife....but some children who ask for food to be cut are from year 3 upwards....some are basically lazy who want everything doing for them.

Being able to use a knife and fork correctly to eat with is a fine motor skill. Fine motor skills cannot be properly developed unless gross motor skills are properly developed. Many children arrive at school not having spent nearly enough time in playgrounds, playing in sandpits, playing with building blocks, sticking stickers... there are literally dozens of things that are indispensable for DC to learn before they can acquire fine motor skills like using a knife and fork or penmanship.

Not the age group that OP is talking about I'm a member of a year group FB group for DD's year.

The group is full of parents talking about things like: their child didn't know about an after school sports club, they haven't had the letter about the school trip, they didn't even realise there was a school play and DC has lost their football socks. And complaining how rubbish the school with respect to all of this and doesn't keep parents informed

I should now say that this is a group for year 8 children, and the answers to their points are

• sports clubs are advertised on the sport clubs noticeboard, via your tutor and via your PE teacher, and if your DC's best friend already goes, then they can ask them for details.
• the trip letter is probably in your child's locker; they can get another one if they ask at the office
• the school play was widely advertised at school; you don't know about it because your DC chose not to audition and hasn't mentioned it to you. Or they weren't paying attention.
• the DC should look in lost property for the socks, and also the PE lost property. And ask their classmates.

The common denominator in all of these - they require the DC to take responsibility for themselves and not rely on a parent to swoop in and do it all for them. And yet, even at Y8, parents think this is too much.

My ds couldn't use a knife and fork until 13. Can just about manage now at 14. I'd be cross if someone refused to cut it up point blank.
Wouldn't mind someone encouraging him and then when realising he really couldn't helping because needs must.
But then I'd hope anyone teaching him would realise it's part of his send.

There a massive difference between helping and encouraging and doing it for children and not even expecting them to engage in what's happening or teaching them to understand why your doing what your doing.