Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

And yes minipie! I am british and it really is isnt it!!

I see no signs of other women judging you and a lot of you worrying about how to fit in. This sounds more like it's worrying about your own social skills than anything else. There's one mother in my DS's class who has accidentally got the impression that I'm an all singing all dancing activities mother (because the first time her child came to play I'd promised to bake with DS, then every other time her DS has gone home with some craft thing he's done. This is solely because I give DS free access to craft stuff and have a very high tolerance for mess.) I just think it's funny, I'm not worried about how she's judging me! Do you think you have some social anxieties?

You sound to me like someone who has completely lost her identity and whose self-esteem is now solely, and precariously, based on the self-perception of 'having your shit together' as regards your child's homework. What happens if that stops, because it emerges that your child is, say, dyslexic, or has some additional needs of some kind, or your younger child requires more of your time, and disrupts the happy homework continuum?

I appreciate you're in a difficult position as sole carer for your children for long periods, and someone who felt pressured into being a SAHP, but I honestly think you need to reclaim something in your life that isn't about your children and their homework, and what you - interestingly - describe as 'mumsiness'.

I work FT and my son just started reception, so I imagine has roughly equivalent amounts of homework - phonics practice, reading, the odd exercise in counting and simple maths, or cutting out. I cannot imagine letting this stuff define my sense of who I am, and if I did, I cann;t honestly imagine why anyone would want to prolong a conversation with me, especially if - as your OP suggests - you judge people who don't parent as you do:

I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

I adore my son. But enjoying raising a child isn't incompatible with taking them to cafes or pubs, or drinking! Look at your language - you mention that you don't do 'dragging them around cafes/pubs/restaurants for my benefit'. What is it that you are afraid of? That they are both enjoying their children and having fun independently of being a parent? Is this really about the fact you wish you had more options?

To each their own. Your kind are out there somewhere.

Well there you go then... if you want to fit in... be more self deprecating and stop telling people about your latest craft project (unless it went horribly wrong!)

Depends if you want to fit in though.

When I look around the playground I haven't a clue who bakes or makes their own playdough. If somebody started droning on about what crafts they did I'd find them a little bit dull tbh.

There's more to teaching a child than arts and crafts. Literacy for example.

I personally think you're all being a bit harsh on OP. I think it's wonderful she has dedicated her life to her kids on this level. To me, she sounds very content - what more could a girl want? It's inspiring.

Are these other Mums the kind you'd want to be friends with in your previous non child days ? Id bet probably not !

And no you don't sound boring at all ! There are some seriously spiteful people on here !

There is nothing at all wrong with liking baking, craft and making play dough or painting stones or whatever.

If that stuff is what you always liked and you are being true to yourself then knock yourself out. Be Happy. This life stage is meant for You!

I have some great friends who are SAHM and love all that stuff and we still find stuff to talk about but it's true that the people I like the very best are the ones I can talk books and movies and music with because those are more my things.

Can you really honestly say that you believe there is also nothing wrong with liking gin and clubbing and those whose interests lie more in that direction can still be as good a parent as you? If you really can then there's no problem and I will believe that you are not smug.

If you are really happy and content in yourself and not judging others then why post the thread at all I guess?

Surely if you join the PTA you will find some like minded souls. It always seems to me that everyone on ours is good at baking and all that.

I think ive explained alot of my op in my subsequent comments. It probably didnt read great i was trying to be as brief as i could in that. 'Mumsy' isnt a word i use but one society uses.. So figured it was the best to keep my op brief. On reflection it lrobably wasnt. But i have answered alot as weve gone on.
I think mini pie has hit the nail on the head to be honest.
I'll just go along with the parenting struggles and talk only of my tougher parenting times.. As that is the British way.. We like to moan.
When im back at work and can get bits of my life back i'll have other points of conversation and maybe we'll all relate better. I do enjoy my time with the children now though indont feel im missing anything not being as flexible to go out or socialise in adult company Thanks to our work situation. I know that situation is temporary and i'll be fine getting my job and hobbies back when theyre both in school. Right now im grateful of having the time with them

My friends before i had children used to say i was born to be a mum. I do genuinley like all the baby groups the songs the crafts the homework all of it. It is me, im not doing it to compete or prove points and i genuinely can say i dont judge those who drink or go out. Some of my closest friends parent like that. They go out with the kids go to grandmas for the night. Theyre all happy as is grandma. I dont judge any of it. My op was just cos i dont seem to be like many of those ive met so far at school. Im sure as i get to know them all better we'll find common ground somewhere though. And again i get home the going out to restaurants/pubs comment cane across wrong i didnt mean there was anythig wrong with that i was just saying its something i dont do

You do sound judgey.... gotta love my child always has their homework done... they are only in reception.

I think the op is getting a bit of a harsh time too.

Op there's nothing wrong with focussing on your kids while they're young and that's what works best for you at the moment.
It's not what works best for everyone.
I'm lucky that I've met friends who are similar to me and I'm not in either of your definitions of mums, and neither are they.
None of us are drinkers and none of us focus on our children as our sole reason for being.
It's not black and white at all.

I get that you're proud of being able to give your kids the start in life you have and its your right to be proud.
Youre doing the best you can, like most of us.

Hopefully you'll meet people that you can get on with as I think that's the main issue here.

You really sound like you want a standing ovation for doing normal stuff almost all parents do because you stopped all other activity and most parents haven't.

I think its up to the mum to parent how ever she feels, mums are so critical of other mums and the way they do things. I wouldn't say that I'm one of those mums that bake and craft with their kids, I have three son's ones a teenager and likes computers, the middle one likes football and the youngest wrestling, I feel more of a referee than a mum most of the time, but my boys are loved, fed, clothed and entertained. They do whats required re homework and 9 times out of 10 are prepared for school. All three are hitting targets re school, so I have no concerns other than having a fun childhood.

First it was silly amounts of homework.
Now it's just a little bit phonics and numbers and isn't stressful

Which is it? Is it silly amounts or not?

🙄

Ten years in I go with all fed/none dead I would probably find you hard work op, I would assume you were competing and move away as I don't do competitive parenting, sorry

My friends before i had children used to say i was born to be a mum. I do genuinley like all the baby groups the songs the crafts the homework all of it. It is me, im not doing it to compete or prove points

That's great. But you can't expect other people to enjoy the same things as you. If you read MN you'll find many, perhaps most, don't love those things. So I'm not sure why you're so surprised that you are different from the playground mums.

That doesn't make them worse mums by the way. Crafting and baby groups and nursery rhymes are a teeny tiny (dare I say insignificant) bit of being a parent.

Sorry, you come across as judgemental.
I do homework with all my children, even the one who doesn't get any from school in year one. Only one friend knows this, not because I'm ashamed, but because what is it to them?

I am hyper organized and hell would freeze over before I forget something, again that's not something I would discuss with my friends.

Hate craft, love baking. Wouldn't see taking one of my children who likes that sort of thing to a cafe as a crime. Am planning on training the baby to think coffee and cake in a cafe is a normal social activity.

I love wine. In the evening when the children are in bed. This has no effect or bearing on my parenting abilities.

And I don't discuss any of this with my friends, unless it came up in conversation, because it's not interesting to anyone else.

I don't do competitive parenting, but it sounds like subconsciously you do.

My op was just cos i dont seem to be like many of those ive met so far at school. Im sure as i get to know them all better we'll find common ground somewhere though.

The school year has only just started though? Surely you're still at the small talk stage? My guess is that the women you're talking to are all saying those things because it's the expected thing to say, and it's generally pretty neutral territory. They probably are all secretly wondering if they are being judged so are being self deprecating and saying things to fit in.

It's the Mom version of talking about the weather.

If I’m completely honest I wouldn’t judge you half as much as you would judge me, I’d just avoid you like the plague.

If you actually truly believe that My world is now them with regard to your children, I can’t see what I would talk to you about.

You come across as completely insular, as though you literally don’t have any other awareness of anything around you. I often go out with the other parents from school, we discuss everything under the sun from politics to Katie Price. We all come from different backgrounds, some are SAHM, some are lawyers, doctors, accountants, childminders. And yes, gasp, some of us drink. Some of us make our own play doh and some of us pay someone else to do it.

As a group we are diverse, but the reason why we get on is that no one actually gives a shit about anyone else’s parenting. Given your children will be at school for the next 13 years you might want to rethink your attitude.

A number of people here are saying that OP is being judgmental. Isn't that being a bit judgmental?

Thinking back to the original post: am I unusual in not giving a stuff about making "mum friends"? I'm friendly with the parents of my children's school friends but we don't socialise. I have work colleagues and friends through my hobbies and interests who fulfil that need.

I think it's more of case of the op is denying she is judgemental and people are disagreeing with this.