Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

OP - Lots of people here are being unnecessarily and unfairly cruel to you, in my opinion.

Just enjoy this brief time in your life - as you say, you can get other interests back once your children are in school. I personally loved being with my pre-school children, and that whole atmosphere of toys, playdough etc, but then I had wanted to be an infant school teacher when I was younger (didn't work out), and I found watching them develop absolutely fascinating. However, I think people who find that satisfying and absorbing in the way I did, and you presumably do, are in a small minority, and that's to be expected.

I didn't find anything in your post judgey, more a demonstration that you are feeling hurt by others' lack of interest in you at the school gate, but believe me that kind of school gate angst is very common, and I doubt it's down to you being mumsy! Toddler days go by fast, so just enjoy them and don't worry about what other people think of you.

My very first

Why is this under primary ed?

TBH I usually find most SAHM quite boring. Usually they just want to talk about their kids. That's OK for the first 20mins but then i want to talk about something else...
Our PTA is full of people who work. Ironically those who don't work say they don't have time!

TBH I usually find most SAHM quite boring

TBH I usually find most working mums quite boring, all they talk about is work. That's fine for the first 20 mins but then I want to talk about something else.

Fair?

Well, most SAHPs and WOHPs have a lot on besides kids and work. OP said she doesn't, so yes, she probably will talk about kids only.

But yes, all the volunteering at our school relies heavily on very busy people. They do the football coaching, the bake sales, the school trips and the Christmas parties. Help out with those, OP, they are desperate for people with time on their hands and craft or baking skills. Take the toddler along, he won't be the only one.

Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education
why is your 3yo in fulltime education if you love her company so much?

Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done
At 3!! You really believe you are a better mum for doing homework with your 3 YO, than the laissez faire families who let their tots do their own thing?

I was probably quite like you at that stage - mine are 17 and 20 now. No family support so I hardly ever went out, SAHM - I worked a few hours from home though, no problems with getting homework done as it was only reading and my 2 were lucky to be very fast at learning words, I enjoyed baking, cooking from scratch, attempting to do crafty stuff. I hardly ever had a drink -never regained any interest in drinking after having babies - used to sing each note of a scale as we went up each step of the stairs. I was very strict about the DC not having hydrogenated veg oil, artificial sweeteners etc and they would ask at other people house's 'Does this have aspartame in it?' - which was embarrassing. And I used to feel sad when they had to go back to school after the summer holidays. Enjoyed the peace though.

Despite not being a natural mum- I used to lose my temper occasionally and shout at them and my house was a tip. And getting to school on time in the morning was hideously stressful what with the little one losing his shoes, etc. Despite that I was very surprised at how much I enjoyed the domesticity and little children stuff.

So I think I can relate to you.

In retrospect it would have been better if I'd made the effort to do more just for myself - it probably was a bit obsessive. I think I got my self-esteem from being a full-on mummy.

As pps have said, it's probably best not to read too much into the wine-o-clock jokes and complaining. Maybe these parents will be brilliant with their DC when they're teenagers.

I'll have a 9am glass of wine with you TarkaLiotta (like the name!).

I tried to be one of those mums who had got her shit together but life just hadn't quite gone like that. If I didn't have friends who I could let off the 'aargh, ffs' after drop off, I'd be broken.

OP, I'm glad you have the time to do all those things with your DC. Sometimes though life is trickier and parents need wine a life of their own to distract from the less joyful joys of parenthood.

My vice was chocolate - I used to eat a 100g bar as soon as the kids went to bed

TBH I usually find most working mums quite boring, all they talk about is work. That's fine for the first 20 mins but then I want to talk about something else

Fair?

Absolutely would be, if it were true. I do find, however, that it's not. There a whole other world beyond the school gate giving those who fill their lives with outside 'stuff' as well as 'mumsy' stuff a far broader range of conversation and shared experiences.

People are just drawn to others who can relate and that's ok.

That was my point Spare, it's not true. I was being sarcastic.

There is a lot of judgement on this thread, but not necessarily from the OP!

I also loved the pre-school years and often say I'd like to return to them, less dashing about (at that time, my DD was not keen on groups) and any excuse to bake is a good one IMO!

I have seen 'unmumsy' used as a term and a book so I didn't take offence at 'mumsy'. Yes there are days that are tough for everyone (children included) but it's good to enjoy your life, whether that is being a SAHM, working or a combination of the two.

Having children at the same school is not always a guarantee (or even a necessity) of being friends with the other parents.

You can't win. I'm sorry to say this, but you can't. I'm a semi-workaholic and even though I do all the 'mum stuff' down to making cornflake cakes together, you wouldn't believe the guilt trips I get for having the audacity to try to keep a roof over our heads! You cannot win. Just give up trying to please anyone and do what works for you.

I do some of the mum stuff like crafts/gardening etc but work too. Your life doesn't have to take a complete back seat. I don't listen to child music never have, but then again my DS favourites are Misfits and Skrillex. I agree with user1476, you can't win, a lot of SAHM think I'm not invested enough in the child/caring for the home thing, but I do alot more than you'd think. I get the home work done on time, read with him and most of the housework gets done. I'm lucky in that I run my business from home so it's easier. As regards of making friends of school mums I really didn't do it. Ironically the parents I'm mates with are the dads who do the school run, and they don't give a sh*t about judging!

We socialise with other families; walks, picnics, barbecues, cafes etc. We also go on holiday with those other families (beach, skiing, camping).

Our children are all very different, but enjoy their times together, and I think have learnt tolerance for being around people who sometimes enjoy different things to them.

We all cook together, play board games, do sport... the grown ups might have wine...

Our lives are quite different to yours (we used to craft on rainy days, but it wasn't ever something my children clamoured to do), but I don't think their childhood has suffered- in fact I believe they're quite a rounded bunch.

I enjoy evenings out with the grown ups sometimes too. There's a lovely restaurant in our village; sometimes we all go (kids too) and we pack the place out, sometimes just the adults, or just the mums go.

When I go out with my carer's group (DD has sn), we go to the pub!

Of course we don't dislike you! Please don't think that. The Uk is made up of fathers and mothers who don't work outside the home and those that do. We aren't involved in some kind of battle with each other.

I have always loved working full time (have teenagers now) and also do loads of the things you say - cooking with the children, we have always done tons of music - I play the piano so accompany them every day (3 won music scholarships), loads of singing as a family even with babies, loads of reading.

In other words plenty of full time working fathers and motehrs do tons of the things listed in the first post. like most parents hobbies take a back seat when you have chilren so whilst I used to sing in choirs and had an allotment etc etc with smaller children I'd be more likely to be doing that music at home with the toddler or bigger children and helping them plant seeds in the garden. Now they are teenagers like most working and non working parents we all get a bit more free time.

It would be wrong to say working mothers do not like mothers or fathers who stay at home. People are just different. I certainly don't think stay at home parents are superior however. One of the biggest indicators of child outcomes is mother's educational level and career. Children tend to do what their parents do not what their parents say so if your parents don't work you probably won't either when the time comes.

I suspect these other mums probably find you rather intimidating! Reading your post made me feel fairly inadequate and I, too, was a SAHM while my two were little. I'm not a 'get the wine in' kind of mum either, but the idea of constantly taking the DC hither and yon, dedicating every day to parks, zoos, children's farms, let alone crafts and baking (neither of which I particularly enjoy), sounds like a version of hell to me. I'm sure your DC are thriving, but there are more ways than yours to raise happy, healthy offspring. I was raised with a large degree of benign neglect and that's the way I raise my DC. We do plenty, but I certainly didn't dedicate each and every day to enriching their little minds. My DH would've been delighted if I had, but tbh I'd probably have ended up slitting my wrists as, like many other PPs I find the entertainment of small DC utterly mind-numbing. Give me a book or a film or some current affairs to discuss. And god forbid I have to listen to the fucking Wiggles or a children's book in my car! I'm a DM, yes, but I'm not a saint. You, my dear, sound like a saint and that is intimidating for those of us who are mere mortals.

If your only interest in life is your children, then you are not that interesting to anyone else.

I wouldn't dislike you for only being interested in your kids but I probably wouldn't want to be your friend either. You sound as though you're saying people who don't put their entire life on hold aren't putting effort in. I work, I'm at uni, I like a drink and I have hobbies. I still manage to take my son to all his after school activities, help him with his homework and do 'fun' things with him. He doesn't come first every time though, he has to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him, and sometimes I can't play with him because I have other things to do. I have friends who don't have kids and while they're interested to a point, if all I did/ talked about was being a mum, we probably wouldn't be friends as they'd be bored.