Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

My other half is in the army.. So away long periods of time. So due to that and a lack of family around me i dont get to go out and socialise too often. Which is why the hobbies stopped. I couldnt physically get out the house to do them.
We dont have loads of money however due to the wage my partner earns, we'd be entitled to no top up benefits so my wage would be spend soley on wraparound childcare for both children. I didnt choose to be a stay at home mum. It was what benefitted out family as a whole. So yes i agree i have lost myself because of it. But i am fine with that as wen youngest is at school i will get my time back. I can work and socialise more. Maybe then mums may be able to find common ground with me.

I dont talk about kids constant at the school gates but children seem to be the topic discussed by most.. More often than not in a negative light like the children are hard work or a burden.. Now dont take that out of context. I dont take it literally i dont judge it and think they mean it. maybe thats just the way mums try to bond when they first meet. I get it doesnt come across great when youve struggled to get your child to sit and learn spellings yet a mum at the school gate has her children knowing them all. those askig home mums know im like this they dont know it all. But when people are stood in a circle discussing a piece of homework and theyre all sayijg their child wouldnt do it, its a nightmare.. Etc im stood there thinking i thought it was ok. I dont want to be smug or judgemental. So im not sure how to engage in this kind of conversation. To i stay quiet, do i lie and dramatically say we struggled too infact did it on the way to school this morning (as i know that response will go down the best!) or do i just say ahh we found t ok!?
This isnt to say my children are beilliant at everything.. They have their strengths and weaknesses like all children. There will be times they'll struggle etc.

Maybe ive just not met mums that will relate with me yet.
Maybe in time the mums i have met wil realise my life isnt as together as it may appear at the school gate. My shit may be together at school now doesnt mean ther areas of my life are or that i'll always be that way as the boys grow up and i go bk to work etc.

Just feel like the mums who appear to have their shit together get labelled as 'smug' and 'judgemental' am i supposed to purposely not have my shit together just to be more relatable and 'human' as someone said..

OP if your ds is really getting 'silly levels of homework' this early in reception, then you need to say something?

Also the activities is because my children need structure.they get cabin fever at home. But yes of course they have times at home when they play and entertain themselves/ when we're out they lead what we do its their choice if they want to run around a park, gathering bit and pieces and make their own den without any input from me i'll happily sit back and watch just cos i have them out and about it doesnt mean im constantly leading activity or hovering over them.

and - while I do look back fondly on the pre-school days, my kids are now much older and you know what?

I'm glad I carried on working part time. I'm glad I persevered with my hobbies. I'm glad I kept in contact with my pre-baby friends. I'm even glad I didn't stop drinking wine! And you know why? Because all of these things play a part in the shape my life now has.

Friends who jacked in work and devoted themselves 100% to the kids? They're floundering a little bit now. They can't restart careers after 13 years off, and their kids need their attention less and less as each day passes.

It's all about balance.

What ridiculous amount of homework and spellings are your under 4's getting?

Alot of mums are struggling to find time to do the homework around jobs etc. I by not working obviously have that little bit more time at teatime. Its not massively stressful homework tho. General phonics reading exploring simple number maths work etc. The school itself is a normal public school. It has outstanding on ofsted but most of primary schools in the area have too. Us pretty middle of the road where i live

And i have mum friends with children in different school who do similar amounts. :-/

I should probably add i went back to work part time after first child was born but after second child was born it was no linger feesable childcare wise so i havnt really been full time stay at home mum for that long when you consider the length or maternity leave

It will be harder to make friends with other women parents if you define and pigeon hole yourself into a role of mother.

I can't speak for everyone but generally you find that in life your 'mum friends' are the parents of friends your child makes that you find inviting to stay out of choice, that you both enjoy each other's company so don't feel the urge to drop and run if you can stay and chat.

And then somewhere along the line you happily ditch the kids so you can go out together.

'a normal public school' - are you in the UK? That means something quite different from what you're trying to say?

so the 'silly amounts of homework' is in fact number bonds and phonics? A few minutes a night? do not be smug about getting that done - you have year of projects and essays to contend with!!

Why am i being smug!?

I find it incredible that we live in a society where being able to do aomething for whatever reason makes you smug!? Can ppl not do it and not be smug! Ive nlt said i can manage the home work cos i have more time with me not working. Its hardly a smug statement

Ive only said*

I'm coming to the end of the road OP - my DC are 10 years older, at 15 and 13. It's quite interesting to look back at what really matters and made a difference and what doesn't and didn't.

Things I have zero regrets about: not making my own play-doh; not going to lots of toddler groups; carrying on working and keeping up with my career. If there is one thing I would say seriously it is by all means drop your work and your interests - maybe you never liked either/any of them in the first place - your choice. But don't fail to replace them or your life will fall off a cliff in about 5 years.

However you parent, your children won't really respect and admire you. But you need to be able to respect and admire yourself.

Look Debbie, there is no merit in judging anyone else's entire life by school yard conversation. It's a snapshot. And you're what? Three or four weeks into the first term?
People will be carrying on jokey relationships they built in playschool. I've been guilty of saying things like "They'll drive me to drink" at 8.45am. Doesn't mean I'm going home to hit the gin.
All dc are different. All parents are different. Now either you genuinely think your way is better and you're judging or you're massively insecure, a bit lonely and overcompensating.
You say you can't have hobbies or work because of your situation so it sounds like you've been left with nothing much else to do except be a mum. You present it as a vituous choice but it isn't really a choice.

The homework discussion: the answer is really obvious- you don't say how easy your kids found it or you come off smug.

You sympathise with the other persons struggles and maybe offer up a time you struggled too and that way the other person feels listened to and not judged and people like you better.

If you can't do that you at least stay quiet.

The truth is that any way of parenting is acceptable as long as it's not abusive. There's a very wide spectrum of opinion.

You sound like you are trying to convince yourself that all is perfect and happy and so can never admit to any problems. If you show a little humility and even vulnerability then yes, you'll come across more human and people will like you better.

But you clearly don't like these school gate mums so why bother trying to get on with them at all. If you're so sure you are right and happy with your way of doing things then just ignore.

I'm a sahm. I'm also a school volunteer in primary.

Some children don't do homework as their parents disagree with the notion.

Some children have long weekdays and if something's happening on the weekend it gets overlooked.

Some are homework registers and it's not always done as their parents have wisely chosen which battle to fight.

Some parents may not understand the homework or the child is confused.

There are a million reasons why homework isn't done. The lack of a baking and crafting sahp is not one of them.

Your posts come across as smug as you appear to think you are somehow successful at parenting, as if it's a competition. Your op does read as if you are seeking other worthy mothers.

I do do that mamadoc. I dont stand there and say oh we found it really easy.. Cos im not smug. The thibgs u auggest are how i deal with it at the mo tend to stay quiet about our experience of it and sympathise and agree that its a nightmare even if i dont think it is!?!

I also volunteer at school and am aware of that hence why i dont judge

Again just cos those are the things myself and my children enjoy im seen as trying to be a martyr mum . Im just being me

I think you'll find a lot of people are just too busy to judge you. They are just describing/living their own parenting journey/life and it's different to yours. I personally love crafting ( hideous word btw IMHO) - but preferably with friends, in the evening, when the children are in bed,with wine. I adore my children, but truly believe they need to get a tiny bit bored in order to make up their most interesting games. Mine do anyway. They're all so different aren't they? Also- you are very lucky to be able to stay at home with your kids - I wouldn't push that in people's faces- some people would love to be in your position and just can't be.

I think a lot of the "I need wine" is a laugh and hardly anyone really gets drunk every night.

Most mums do not see children as the main part of their lives, it seems to me you do. I enjoy my DD, enjoy doing things with her but I also love my adult life and my work. It took several weeks of counseling to come to the conclusion that it is not wrong to put yourself first once in a while when I suffered from PND and wanted to be the perfect mummy.

We take DD out to cafes/pub/restaurants because that is part of our life but we interact with her, we don't park her in front of an ipad. We take her to concerts, plays, exhibitions since she is born, suitable obviously, I don't mean a rock concert.

Obviously school is important and most after-school days are taken up with stuff for her, TV is hardly on anyway, she is ferried to clubs/classes several times a week. We practice school topics, she does additional work at home and I make sure her uniform is clean and ready for the next day.

What I think - and I have a friend who is quite similar to you, apart from the fact she can't cook or bake - that you seem to loose your own identity and just talk about kid's stuff. Her facebook entries are just about all things kids related. This woman has a degree, lived in 3 different countries, speaks 4 languages and now is a earth-mother.

Just a thought

Are you British OP? Self deprecation and not seeming to try too hard is The British Way. Doesn't mean people don't actually do lots with their kids, they just downplay it.

Is she happy where she is at this point in her life?

I will get my life back when the kids are in school and i can do it! Like i said earier raising the kids on my own with oh working away but big restrictions on any 'me time' i could have