Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

I avoid all this angst by being incredibly stand offish. I know nothing about any of the other parents in my dc's class, and they know nothing about me.

I think it can go a few ways. Some mums may be preoccupied with their own stressful lives too much to even notice you or have an opinion on you.
Some will have 'enough' friends and feel no need to make any more.
Some might think you are 'up yourself' a term I hear a lot on the playground!
Some might really admire you and would love to be like you but don't feel like they can compete.

I never fit in, I never have.
I'm mumsy but I still wouldn't click with another mumsy mum for the sake of it. If that makes sense.

Stop worrying about why people may or may not like you. Because you can't change and shouldn't

I think I would find you rather intense and judgemental. You also sound like you have a lot of spare money, I couldn't match that and it would make me wary of getting drawn into a friendship that might make me feel ashamed about not being able to afford all those trips and classes.

You sound over invested, OP.

Don't give up your own life. No medals for martyr mummies.

*know

I've just had an hour-long, hot bubble bath while my 3yo stood at the side playing with bath toys. She then used half a bottle of shower gel to "wash the baby" (39w pregnant). I'm getting back into pjs now and we're going to watch Cinderella in bed. We will probably eat Jaffa Cakes too. No crafting for me today! There is no perfect mummy in this house, especially at the moment. I don't feel guilty.

You asked why you don't fit in OP. I shy away from people who are very "together". Even if it is false confidence, it is unnerving. You wouldn't make me feel like a failure per se but you wouldn't come across as particularly human or approachable if you said what you said in your OP. I wouldn't feel as though I could be honest with you about the shit days and I need that in a friend.

You sound great OP. I didn't even do the Volcano thing with my dd. I since learned she will never dominate. Shite I am

I think what posters mean when they say you sound boring is that in your OP you say you have given up all your hobbies/music/entertainment etc because your kids are now your world.

We all love our kids but when I meet up with my friends of course we talk about how our DCs are but then we talk about the gigs and shows we've been to, books, music, tv series, films, how training for various things is going etc and yes we usually do this whilst drinking wine. I rather agree that if all you able to talk about is the upcoming craft activities you've planned or have been doing it would get rather tiredsome because I would feel I never really knew you are as a person, only as a mum.

Silly amounts of homework at 4? There is no evidence that homework at primary level, other than spellings, reading and times tables has any impact on attainment. Good schools don't give silly amounts of homework to four year olds.

So you are either in a different country (hello, US, with silly amounts of homework at a young age, but even there you don't get it at 4) or in some outrageously fancy private school which is prepping your 4 year old for Common Entrance to Eton. (NB not all private schools are up their bums, but some are).

Unless you think this level of academic pressure on your child at 4 is a good thing - in which case I would disagree with you and not have much in common with you - you need to speak to your school and ask why they are going against evidence and best practice.

However your text speak and inability to use a capital for "I" doesn't suggest you are super keen on academic matters. Or you are a bored teenager.

I recall reading with my children in reception and we were told to spend 2-10 minutes, depending on their level of interest, 3-5 times a week. And to keep it low key.

And I've never heard any parents on school run seriously suggesting they drink alcohol in the morning after dropping kids off. In my experience, at that stage, most mums drink very little alcohol at all, and any chat is joking about the loss of freedom!

I'm a mum at the gates - oldest now 27 and two in upper primary. I do those things. I rarely drink (1 or 2 a year) and never have that 'lets go out ' prob cos too knackered. Im polite to the other parents but I stand and watch the politics at the gate. I'm happy enough and confident to be me, like it or lump it. Don't judge me and I wont judge you
However one thing as an ex early years/ks1 teacher. Do not fill your children's time 100%. Children need the nurture / experiences that you are providing however they also need their 'down time' where you don't interact with them, let them play on their own, no input / no suggestions / no interest from you. Ive taught some exceptionally bright kids who had great experiences and educational skills. However their social, independence and imaginative skills were low unless instigated an adult. Children need to knowhow to occupy themselves.
Other parents will be like you but if your child has just started you prob haven't picked them out yet X

just cos i do all these things with my kids it doesnt mean i judge those who dont.. They just seem to think i'll judge them.

You ARE judging them though - that's why people don't like you. It's not an assumption they make based on your parenting, it comes across clearly in the way you talk about your choices and compare yourself to others.

What do YOU like doing for you? A tv programme? Reading ? Any hobbies? I think it's important not to revolve yourself around your kids for both you and them. Your use of the word "dragging" when referring to going to cafes or pubs for example, these places are not hell! Children benefit from being in situations where they are not the centre of the universe.

Anyway maybe I'm biased cos I spent a great deal of my childhood in pub gardens and have fond memories of it

You don't think the other school mums really go and buy several bottles of wine after morning drop-off and spend their time until afternoon pick-up getting sloshed, do you? They're probably just trying to bond with you through the tried-and-tested medium of acknowledging to each other that parenting is hard. They're not judging you for painting stones, they're judging you for the way you clutch your pearls whenever they mention alcohol or suggest that they enjoy spending time without their children.

I think you do whatever you think is the right thing, and find similar people as friends. What I have learned along the way as being a mum, is not matter what you choose to do, your happiness is the most important. Being a happy mum will help your DC be happy too.

So u dont like ppl who dont work cos ur jealous you cant spend as much time with yr kids? Thats not my fault. Your set up is ur own

Nope. I have no idea how much time other parents spend with their children. I'd think you are really boring if you told me all the humdrum details of your worthy activities. Jealousy doesn't come into it, as you say, my setup is my own. I chose a faster pace than you, that's all. And I do enjoy wine and your pearl clutching about that would make me laugh.

Hmm I'm not sure I can answer your question op, but we all have different styles of parenting. I don't do crafting, I work part time because I like it and want to set an example to my daughters, we don't go out every day because sometimes I just can't be bothered. I "drag " my children to restaurants because I think I deserve the odd night off cooking. I drink wine. Sometimes we do dd's homework 20 mins before leaving the house in the morning. Some days I am quite relieved to drop dd 1 of school for a bit of peace. I have 2 happy children, it works for us.

But surely to take them out and do things, museums, parks, toddler groups is also for your benefit. I did all those things because it's so boring being home all day! I am not crafty or like baking though so I guess my children were deprived of that. So to say that it's all for the children's benefit is a bit daft! I also believe in not stopping your life completely, we did stop going to pubs and sunday lunches for a while when the kids just didn't want to sit still for more than 5 minutes. Now we do it again and the kids enjoy it as much as we do! they may even get a fizzy drink (shock horror)

If your world is your own children, you don't have hobbies, you don't watch TV, you don't listen to the radio then what are we to talk about?
It's hard enough making small talk with acquaintances without them smiling serenely and talking about a 4yos homework and painting stones when you ask if they saw Amber Rudd's latest shameful ramblings.

Op I think you will find that in the years to come, your children will be reliant on you for entertainment. The will struggle to do things on their own, will have little initiative, will rarely start their own creative games as mum will always be there to think for them. Give them a bit of rope, let them loose, give them time to play completely on their own without your guidance and see what happens. You will probably find that they will struggle to come up with their own games.

Children should be given the freedom to explore on their own, without a parent constantly hovering above them and guiding what they do. And yes learn to become more independent too.

If I choose to have a glass of wine whilst they do these things, it's my business. Many parents do t like mums like you because you think you know best, by the sound of your op. But trust me, being a helicopter mum can be very detrimental to the children.

Op. As I asked before, are you a coparent?

How odd.
I have never baked a cake with my 4 children and never intend to. And glitter is banned from the house.
My DC always do homework.

I was thinking about what blue said when I read OP.

"Children should be given the freedom to explore on their own, without a parent constantly hovering above them and guiding what they do. And yes learn to become more independent too."

I've read somewhere that doing their own things and not having complete structure all day set by parents is very important for creating young children's neural pathways...

I'm lucky as DD1 learned to bake a cake at school and she taught DD2. I'm fucking shit at baking cakes.

Crafts are left to DD2 to crack on with in the conservatory (where there is no carpet to destroy).

I take my kids on days out, not always educational but fun. Beach is the favourite, we go a lot.

I suspect the op is one of those people who posts a photo of their dc on facebook with the phrase 'making memories'.

I'm another one wondering about how much homework a 4 year old gets. I have friends at a highly successful and very academic prep school and they don't even start homework until the junior years. 4 sounds far too young.