Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect

Most 'normal' mums do all of the stuff you do plus jobs, hobbies, their own live. That's why we need wine.

You seem to think that your degree of effort will produce better results for your kids than other

This in my opinion is a judgement... Because i do craft games kids things al the time.. I must think this.. No.. Its just the person i am.. Its not for my benefit wholley but i do enjoy it as do my children. I dont force it on them. If thy dont wanna do it and want to play something else we play something else

I was a bit like you until DD was about 5. Then I honestly let rip and went mad last weekend I was playing beer pong with friends after a boozy dinner party. The kids were upstairs playing happily aware their parents can have fun and still be good parents!

All parents and children are different. It's a mistake to compare yourself to other mums or try to pigeon hole them into 'types'. Parenting is not a competition, nor should it become your all consuming vocation.

Admitting your faults to others, rather than presenting a facade of a perfect mum makes a person far more personable and likeable. It's a leveller. A lot of the joking about wine and time off is done firmly tongue in cheek.

High achievers in life; mums that have left a career to stay at home, often put enormous effort into being the perfect mother. My advice would be to relax, let your children be children. There is evidence that it is healthy for a child to feel bored and learn to entertain themselves so don't plan every day and analyse activities for learning opportunities. And try to have a sense of humour about it all.

What do you do once they're in bed? Just sit around planning tomorrow's activities?

What's going to happen when your children are older and they don't want to spend quite so much time with you?

How are you demonstrating to them how to function as an adult in life with wider interests?

For example, I work (part time), and I run and play squash. My DCs have seen me run and occasionally come with me on a run/bike ride. Dd looked very cute dressed up in my running kit (she's 4). So I'm setting a good example.

Now, how smug do I sound?

Basically you parent your way and others parent theirs.

I am prepared to admit that sometimes I feel slightly shown up by mumsy mums. Not about the art and crafts and so forth, as we did all that, but the ones who put huge effort into everything. I had a friend who not only cooked amazing meals from scratch all the time (always balanced, always with 5 types of steamed veg) but even cooked all the snacks her children ate, so my kids would run over there and get cinnamon buns with wholemeal flour and I would feel guilty if they came over to mine and ate Penguin biscuits. We also watched more TV/screen time than her children, she used to do full on activities after school every day. I was working f/t and used to struggle to have the energy to do interesting stuff from 3.30 onwards, beyond dinner, bath and bed!

In the end we became the best of friends and I think both sets of children benefited from seeing another way of doing things.

How do the other Mums know you do this stuff? People have asked this question repeatedly and you don't seem to have an answer. How do they know and how do you know they're judging you?

I prefer my stones and natural environment unpainted. Sorry, have I missed the point? My children eat a lot of dirt. I'm not sure where this puts on the mumsy scale.

I don't tend to judge other mothers for their parenting techniques.

I do slightly judge the ones that endlessly bang on about it, from whatever angle.

I get concerned when parents schedule their entire dc's day. Don't your kids have any time just to play on their own?

Yes they have time to play in their own.. Course they do. And yes they eat dirt..And all normal kid things. They fight like siblings do, the cry they tantrum, i have the same struggles as everyone else and am not perfect like i said in my original post. The post is an eye opener though as it seems there are clear judgements that because of how i raise my kids i am boring, insecure, obsessed with learning, and not being a role model to name a few. Thanks for answering my questions everyone

I'm sorry OP, but your post is (perhaps unknowingly) reading as very judgmental. Are you sure you're not giving off judgey vibes at the school gates? There is nothing wrong with the way you parent, but likewise, there is nothing wrong with parents who don't parent the same way you do. To be frank, if you turned up at my DD's school with that sort of attitude shining through, we would all be very pleasant but we wouldn't exactly be chomping at the bit to spend more time with you. Mainly because as a group of mums, we support each other in how difficult parenting can be and we all have our off days where we storm the gates looking like roadkill having had a shite morning/afternoon with our kids. If you were standing there in the background looking at us with wide eyes, a turned up nose and a general attitude of 'but my kids are my life', you would make us feel like we were failing somehow - and that isn't something you should ever make people feel. People are doing their best.

And can I just ask, what the hell is a 'mumsy mum'? That to me insinuates I'm not 'mum enough' because I don't make my own playdoh.

dont give up your hobbies and sacrifice every waking hour. your kids will grow up - what then? you wont know what to do with yourself...
keep a balance in your life

I am constantly actively teaching them while I'm at home with them.

Yes they have time to play on their own... Course they do.

Can you see how those two statements of yours are pretty incompatible?

As it happens I quite like my children. I also enjoy baking, crafts, country walks and museum trips. I don't do these as frequently as I would like to because I have to work full time.

Before judging other Mum's (and you are judging) have you considered that some of them might actually like to spend more time with their DC but can't?

Yes but what does that have to do with me?!

Which question are you answering there debbie?

So u dont like ppl who dont work cos ur jealous you cant spend as much time with yr kids? Thats not my fault. Your set up is ur own

How do the other mothers know how you parent? How do you know they're judging you for if?

So you don't like people who don't work because you're jealous you cant spend as much time with your kids? That's not my fault. Your set up is your own

No one has said that. You're making huge assumptions there.

When I was a SAHM I was actually jealous of people who worked.

I couldn't afford childcare so couldn't work. Don't flatter yourself that everyone who works is jealous of you.

Can I ask again - how do other parents know you identify as ''mumsy' and do all this stuff with your offspring? Do you stand around boring on about it in the playground? I know nothing whatsoever about the parents of children in my son's reception class. If you do bang on about it all the time, they're far more likely to be bored by you than frightened or judgemental.

DH and I read and bake and paint and garden and craft etc with DS, help out with his homework, teach him, take him swimming and to the park, museums, to gymnastics and music lessons etc and for walks etc etc, but we're also at work 8 or 9 hours a day four or five days a week. Neither of us have given up our pre-DS lives for him, nor do I see why we should? He's a fabulous extra thing. You've chosen differently, which is equally fine, but if you're wondering why people don't warm to you, maybe look at the way in which you have presented yourself as a sort of handmaiden to your children in your OP. Your choice, obviously, but would I want to have a conversation with someone who self-presented with evident satisfaction as someone whose entire life is dedicated to her offspring? No. That isn't interesting to anyone other than your children.

Op, I would feel inferior to you I think. I don't do crafts unless it's homework, and even then, most of the time they don't want to know (age 3 & 6). They occasionally entertain themselves with play dough but that's about it.

However I have noticed my friends from other countries (Sweden, Austria, South Africa and Switzerland) are much more "artsy" with their crafts, and seem to do a lot of baking with their kids too, so I wonder if it's a bit of a cultural thing?

Of course there are 'bad' parents out there. But most of the school gate banter is light-hearted. I took my child to a party where the Mum's were gloating over a bottle of prosecco that they'd smuggled in to share, apparently to help keep them sane during the horrors of a children's party. The reality was that everyone had a shot-glass amount as there wasn't enough to go around, but the way they talked you'd have thought it was an open bar til midnight! It just seems to be the sort of way people like to joke around. I take it all with a pinch of salt.

That said, I half admire your parenting style, but I am not sure I'd have necessarily wanted to be parented like that myself. My Mum did loads of sewing, knitting, crochet and music, all of which I shied away from because it seemed to be expected of girls and didn't appeal to me. I was more of a playing with animals and building dens with my brother type of a girl!

I think it's probably best not to over-think it though. It's not too healthy to compare parenting with other parents. It seems as unhealthy as comparing children, which we all now isn't a great idea.

I have a friend who dropped everything, career, hobbies, friends, volunteering, for her kids. She just seems to have no energy now. Far from being jealous of her perfection I find she simply can't manage to keep as many balls in the air as most.

She does the ueber perfect levels of doing stuff, those super designed lunch boxes, extremely planned craft stuff, wedding cake level stuff for the PTA bake sale... it's like a carefully scripted parenting movie.

Our kids are much older than yours and they all turned out fairly similar in musical and other hobbies, academic and sporting achievements. The 3h of carefully planned craft activity daily and the "look here's glue, paint and the recycling box" produced the same results.