Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

I'm probably a little mumsy. I'm a SAHM at the moment, we do a few toddler classes, we go out puddle hunting when it is raining, we collect sticks, we paint, we bake and I enjoy it.

I also enjoy sticking the telly on for an hour or three and zoning out. I play on my phone and drink tea while DD plays make believe with soft toys on her own. I love the two mornings a week that I pay for DD to go to nursery (she's not quite 3 yet). I shove her in the door and run away as fast as my little legs will carry me. I leave tyre marks in the car park as I speed away.

My child is happy and I'm happy. You say you don't judge but I think you do. You are doing a great job but so is every other mother.

It sounds a little like you might not have anything to talk about other than the children and home stuff, OP. When I go out with a group of friends who are mums we do talk about the kids but then move on to all sorts of other things.

OP just because you paint some stones and bake a cake doesn't make you a better mum. Listening to your children, being kind, showing them you love them - this can be done without a craft activity.

For the record, I don't get a baby sitter or go out in the evenings without the kids. Two of them are too young for me to feel comfortable with that - but I know other people can do it perfectly safely. Just my own insecurity. Plenty of mums go out for me time and come home more relaxed so are therefore a better mum.

My eldest child always has his homework done and is prepared for school.

I hope as my little ones get older I will have more time for me. Do you?

I don't think I would be able to be friends with you because I love people who are open about their flaws. We all have them. I think you are coming across as very perfect and this would turn me off.

I don't think it's anything to do with the type of Mum you are. You just sound really irritating.

How do the other moms know how you parent? I certainly don't know how the other parents in my childrens' school parent, unless they are the sort to blabber on about it incessantly.

Isn't it interesting that you see baking, crafts and classes as 'mumsy'? I mean there's nothing inherently mumsy about them unless you take The Waltons and Topsy and Tim as your parenting ideal. If you lived in certain parts of Africa, being 'mumsy' would be strapping your DC to your back and working in the field.
My point is that parenting authentically is more important than a tickbox prescribed by family TV shows and advertising.
Fwiw sometimes I baked. Sometimes I went for lunch. Being 'mumsy' was never my aim. Being a parent was.

It's probably nothing to do with the way you parent. It's probably that you don't click with the parents you've come across. Sometimes it takes a while to find friends. Lots of people parent your style. I do all those types of activities with my kids plus cafes/pubs which the kids love. However you've probably not quite reached the next step, which you naturally will at some point. And that is to do enriching things just for yourself rather then the whole family (including yourself). This adds a different dimension and creates a whole new type of personal life balance. For me I find the stillness and adult only social aspect of yoga very enriching. Looking after me means I am better placed to care for others. Some parents are particularly negative though and some parents with high needs kids struggle and really need a break. Others might be just joking to create banter. Why don't you ask them some questions to get past that surface talk?

The yoga I see as modelling good behaviour to my kids Heath wise and self care wise

At any given point that you intersect with other Mums, it will only be a very small percentage who are actual 'kindred spirits'.

A judgment call on my part, but I'd guess your pool of kindred spirits is probably smaller than most!

Just because we're all Mums, doesn't mean we'll all get on.

You find the people you have things in common with, and you forge a friendship.

My life has taken a backseat since having kids - I think all parents' lives do - but seemingly not the same extent that yours has.

I don't think either of us is right or wrong, but I probably would feel judged by someone like you, since I'm not willing or able to make the same sacrifices. That certainly says far more about me than you, but there you go.

Of course OP hasn't been back. I would say "Journo" but she can't spell very well....then again, if it's the DM sending their illiterate drones over here for quotes then she wouldn't be able to spell that well would she!

You've clearly created a very specific picture in your head of what it is to be a "good parent" (thats what you're meaning by mumsy).

Others of us have different ideas. I think it's crucial for children to have downtime (studies would back me up on this). When I take DC to cafes/restaurants etc it's for them as much as me. I can have a glass of wine and look after children easily. I'm a SAHM but I don't think we'd get along at all.

I think most of us do most of the things you say you do, I know I did. But maybe most of us don't do it to quite the same all encompassing extent.

Some people are very happy and fulfilled being totally wrapped up in 'career-parenting' 24/7, others love it in smaller bursts but do feel the need for some adult conversation/outside stimulation as well and find it quite a chore to 'play' intensively with their DC. If you are perfectly content with your lot then that's fine. Some people feel that if they don't hand the day to day chore of all that stuff over to someone else and go back to a workplace surrounded by adults that they will go stark staring mad within the year. It doesn't mean they don't love their children every bit as much as you do, just that they aren't cut out for that lifestyle.

I was a SAHM until all my children left school. It was what I wanted, for me and for them and it's what I believe was best for our family. But I am always totally bewildered by those women who have maybe 5 or six children who are all home educated and they seem relentlessly cheerful and enthusiastic about the whole thing, which would have driven me to lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of gin and weep by about ooh...week 3.

That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy baking/crafting/reading with/educating my DCs about things, just not every moment of our day. We did a fair bit of being slumped in front of a Disney DVD while Mummy zoned out for a bit sometimes with wine as well.

While I dislike that category of mother who continues to put herself first treats her children as an annoying inconvenience that disrupts her social life, or the one who refuses to ever do playdates or messy play because it disrupts her nice ordered routine, I do think there needs to be a healthy middle ground.

I have known some mums like you describe yourself and I'll be honest, they've often had children who have been quite self absorbed, needy and inflexible when around their peers and other adults.

If they have never experienced not being the centre of someone else's world, or shown any (perfectly healthy) benign neglect from time to time,

or learnt to share your time with you - eg 'it's mummy's turn to listen to her music/TV now, or it's mummy's turn to have a long conversation with her friend and you will be patient and not interrupt unless someone is bleeding to death'

or been allowed to have periods of boredom or lack of adult stimulation in order to learn to entertain themselves or to solve their own problems from time to time,

or to appreciate that even their mothers who love them beyond all else, sometimes need some time and space away from them

then they can find the big wide world a bit of a struggle when they realise that not everyone is geared to spending their lives entertaining them or listening to them.

The OP has a lot if goading in it with a nice little tinge of wide-eyed butter wouldn't melt pretend naïveté thrown into the mix. I won't be goaded :)

--if this is real-

The reason people don't like you is because you think you're better than everyone else because you make a bit of plaudoh everyday my kids prefer going to the pub actually

HTH

if this is real

The reason people don't like you is because you think you're better than everyone else because you make a bit of playdoh everyday my kids prefer going to the pub actually.

HTH

Come back OP.. you have lit the blue touchpaper..

People find you boring. Your life entirely revolves around your kids meaning there is very little of interest to attract an adult to converse with you.
Other mums may have more on their plate than you (managing full time work, money worries etc) and may find day to day life more difficult than you do. Or they may feel envious of your lack of responsibility to make money for the family and resent the implication that because they can't spend all day at home that they are failing at getting homework done or giving their kids a nice childhood.
Mostly the boring thing though.

Sniff... sniff...

Troll?!

Homework in what is presumably nursery as they are under 4?

Good god you are self congratulating! Do your children ever get free play time without you? No? Then they will probably struggle at school when they are given that time and don't know how to cope.

OP I have a friend who sounds a lot like you.

Throughout her life she has strived to be "impressive" but it's all very contrived. She talks lots about her personality and things that "reflect" her personality but she doesn't have as much personality as most people- it's all carefully thought out and achieved. Underneath she's very insecure and gets very jealous, often only wanting things because others have them.

She also believes anyone a bit suspicious/ disliking of her is jealous or inferior but they're not- I personally think they can sense the difficulty the potential friendship will bring- competitive, self centred, exaggerated

Not saying you're the same but your post reminds me very much of her.

I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit. I dont enjoy drinking anymore

I thought you said you didn't judge?

ftw

I hate to think how much I'd drink if I though I had to do craft every day

This is the best! The thread's not real though

I used to be a bit like you. But the "perfect mum" image was just hiding total insecurity.

Don't give up your hobbies and life for your children. Maybe put them on the back burner while they are small, but as they grow up you will have more time for them. You might even find that your children want to share your hobbies with you.

In 10-15 years time your DC will have their own lives and their own interests. Make sure you still do too.

Ahem people.
People of mumsnet.
Goady McFuckersson shouldn't be given much time....

I'm a bit late but