Types of 'acceptable'mums...

[debbie46]

So this is going to come across rather stereotypical but i genuinely interested in ppls opinions of this.
Im a stay at home mum. I have 2 children under 4. Eldest just started full time education.
My youngest has not yet started nursery so is still with me full time.
As a mum i am very 'mumsy', we craft everyday, go on park/farm/museam/beach/zoo trips everyday. They go out at some point everyday any weather. While at home we bake. I make playdoh, sensory things, we often paint stones, make collages out of things we've collected the list goes on. I am constantly actively teaching them while im at home with them.
When i had my children my life took a big back seat! They do alot of classes/groups. I gave up my hobbies, they have their music in the car now! There programmes on tv. My world is now them.
And nt only do i not mind this but i love this! I love enjoying my children and spending this quality times with them!
I dont drag them round cafes/ restaurants/pubs for my benefit.
I dont enjoy drinking anymore. I life to raise my kids and get immense pride and satisfaction from that.

So my question is this.. Why is it that other mums don't like mums like me... I dont judge i dont put down i have my parenting struggles like us all. I just value time with my kids.
Since my eldest stared school ive found all of the small talk is along the lines off
'Ooo i need wine!'
'Thank god its school time need to run away for a break'
'Get the kids babysat and get yourself out!'
'Shall we go past the shop on way back have a few sneaky bottles!'

It seems from my experiences that 'normal' mums dont like 'mumsy' mums cs they seem perfect.. I am not i can assure you! Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc. Is that sooo bad?! Like why do i feel like i dont fit in . Im just being a mum the only way i know how

Op do you have girls? When they're older would you be happy for them to sacrifice their career and their 'life' for their children's?

Before you were a mother, did everyone like and "approve of" you and your choices?

We all do things differently, whether that's parenting or budgeting or work/life balance or whatever else.

I think you might be thinking people give you and your choices more headspace than they actually do, in any case.

It's good to let kids play by themselves, not filling their day with games and tasks. Too much of a special thing and it stops being special, if I baked with my children everyday they would stop seeing it as something fun and start seeing it as a chore.
Homework prepped? For a 4 year old? You place great weight on your way of parenting, do you have an OH or friends? Sometimes it's easier to cut yourself off and imerse yourself in your children but when your youngest is in school you may be a bit lonely. It's good to be organised and active, just organise a bit of you time too.

Are you the only parent in this scenario? What happens when their Dad is home, does he do football, den building and other stereotypical activities. Or in your interestingly worded and highly realistic scenario you've painted are children entirely the preserve of the mother?

I found that too Debbie, my friend and I commented yesterday when seeing a mum with her two that we miss those days. We both work now and happened to have a rare afternoon off and nipped to the supermarket together. We were talking about how great those days were but not the sleepless nights as we still remember those too.
We went for walks and made dens in the woods. Picnics and rounders up on the moor. Feeding the ducks and picnics in the rain.we both still do crafts when we get the time.
Just different people parent differently. You might eventually find one with a similar outlook. The one I met and I are still friends 30 years later even though she moved lots of times and went abroad for three years.

As with all things in life I believe it's always best to not be too extreme in anything.
I understand what you mean when you described the ' can't wait to dump kids and drink wine' but I think most of the time that is just talk. I'm sure those parents also enjoy most if the time spent with the children.

I'm always trying to strike the balance and constantly feel I fall short. One of my best friends is a bit like you and I like going to her house it's homely and makes me stop and think about engaging with my children a bit more. This doesn't necessarily have to happen through crafts though, that's just a personal preference.
My children prob spent far too much time in cafes but they enjoy going with me for a treat, so rather than my disastrous baking attempts they prefer a muffin with me chatting calmly rather than trying to smile through another of mum's burnt biscuits.

People calling you boring are just rude, sorry. However do remember that being the centre of mum's world can also put a lot of pressure on your dcs without you realising.

If you ramble on in real life like you in your OP it's no wonder no one wants to hang out with you. Your life sounds very boring to an inadequate mum like me.
I'd rather shoot myself in the face than be a stay at home mum again.

People aren't interested enough in you to have a clue how you parent.
No one is aware that you're doing this stuff. So if people don't seem to like you, it must be for other reasons. Are you a bit boring? Or smug? Or do you have a dull hobby, like trolling parenting sites?

OP?
Vanished? No surprise. She sounded very boring, because she was only able to talk about one topic.

Everyone has their own individual take on what being a parent means. None is more worthy than the other.

Most of us muddle through it all doing our best, making mistakes here and there sometimes, but really the main thing that unites parents is simply that they love their dc very much. How that manifests itself is as individual as any other relationship.

OP if what you do feels right then that's great. I think what might be coming across negatively here is your assertion that mothers fall in to one of two camps: 'mumsy' (ie 100% immersed in motherhood and a willing sacrifice of the individual to a worthy cause) and 'normal' (ie people who aren't). But life/parents aren't that clear cut. There are no two distinct camps.

And the normal camp sounds somewhat lacking from the way you describe them. Sorry but I think they probably do feel rather scrutinised in a negative way. Just because people say they'd like a drink, a break, don't do craft every day doesn't mean anything and is no reflection on their commitment to parenting.

Hanging on to a bit of yourself in all the mayhem is no bad thing. I wish looking back I'd made a bigger stand to do that in the tsunami of small dc. It's only now years later I'm trying to remember who I am.

Stealth - it's what she actively aspires to for any daughters she has. Because regardless of individual circumstances, ANY woman whose choices differ from hers - and that includes her own daughters - is big fat WRONG.

Ok i take your points on coming across judgemental.. And this is my problem.. Im really not. just cos i do all these things with my kids it doesnt mean i judge those who dont.. They just seem to think i'll judge them. At school i feel like the instantly judge the kind of mum they think i must be..outside of school i do have mum friends who drink every night. Infact i have mums from all backgrounds with all different styles of raising their kids! And i do have a sense of humour too.
For the full time educ question my son is 4 so at school. Maybe i should have said under 5. and i have two boys.. Two crazy boys that need to be kept busy or they'll destroy anything and everything. Which is why i keep them busy. Bu teacving them constantly i mean through play and interesting ways not study
And my son gets a silly amount of homework which i prioritise.. Thats all.

The fact that you feel like you are judged probably says more about your own insecurity than those you perceive as doing the judging.

Don't worry OP, there's no shortage of martyr-mums out there - you'll find some I'm sure.

Are you sure they even know all that about you though? How would they know, unless you tell them?

I wouldn't like you because I think you're doing these things for YOU rather than the kids.
Your kids won't remember anything before the age of 4. As long as you love them, they'll be alright. You seem to think that your degree of effort will produce better results for your kids than others. That's just not true. The world is full of neglected kids who grew up to be amazingly talented and bright adults. Not that you should neglect them, I'm just saying that your influence will only go so far.

What coolaschmoola said, a few pages back.

I'm glad you're happy immersing yourself in entertaining/educating your children and giving up all other interests but you can't expect other adults to have much in common with that.

Are you sure your not projecting the judgement? Have they said anything judgemental to you?

I don't talk to any of the mom's in my DS's school, so would have no idea which ones are crafty or boozy, frankly don't care as I have friends who are both, I just can't be bothered to talk to them because I'm an introvert with no desire to expand my current social group. I sometimes think the other mom's judge me, as I'm also the only working mom as far as I can determine. I'm probably just being sensitive though.

Are you sure they even know all that about you though? How would they know, unless you tell them?

This is spot on. If you're describing yourself to other people as you do in your posts you'll come across as insufferably smug and judgy.

Your comment about not taking your kids to cafes and bars for your benefit is an obvious example of judginess, even though you say it isn't. What's wrong with making children behave well in situations they'd rather not be in? I'm sure most children would rather be in a park running around than sitting playing quietly while their mum or dad catches up with a friend but it's really important to do things you enjoy as well as things the kids like doing. You don't have to be a martyr to be a good parent and constantly pandering to your child's every whim will not be fun for you or their teachers to deal with in the future.

OP, it depends who you are hanging around with. You probably haven't found a group of kindred spirits at school, yet.

Just get on with things your way, but try not to come across as smug.

I don't think what you do with your kids is in any way abnormal its the smugness that is irritating and the fact that you have given up your own interests which seems a shame. It actually sounds like you could do with having a wine with the other mums, don't take yourself so seriously!

Also I don't believe that a four year old has a "silly amount of homework" but if he does, I assume all the other parents at school are also managing that.

I think you want social recognition for doing things that everybody does because you lack validation in other areas of your life. So you want to be best mummy. But I can't see you doing anything that ordinary mums are not doing, except you have completely given up your own interests for some insane reason.

Craft (shudders)
Baking (shudders)
Jolly Phonics CD (shudders)
Pixar (shudders)
PTA (shudders)

There will be people into what you are into you just haven't met them yet 3-4 weeks into school. Probably the most vocal are the 'wine' ones. My experience though has been 95% of mums at school work so people drop and dash off- good mix of mums/dads/Grandparents. Talk about kids by all means but if the answer to what you are doing at weekend is always child related then I can see you are odd one out. Most topics of chit chat are same as in the work place so films seen, shows/concerts, restaurants, holidays, yes some mention of kids but not every conversation.

Im just the mum who always has her kids prepped for schl always gets their homework done always makes an effort in activities etc

OP I can assure you that I am also this mum. The difference is that I also work part-time in a difficult job an hours commute from my home. It doesn't make me any better or worse as a parent; just different. As someone else said upthread you define yourself by your SAHM status, but I know that I couldn't be that mother. I like my job and being me for 3 days a week - my children also get the best of me for the remaining 4.

Your post reminds me of a mother I have recently met when my daughter started school. She delighted in telling me all about how she is involved in this baby group and that club etc and how she had made such a community for herself since she has children. That's great but after speaking to her a bit more I also found out that she too had a good job in London, but once she had children she was not able to go back part-time because work wouldn't allow it. I wonder if she would have chosen a bit of a different life post maternity leave if she had been able to?