Teacher excluding my son from social events

[Coolmammy]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

Ask her. Not on a confrontational way but ask if you can have a quick word and say you're aware of various gatherings, that your son seems to be the only one not included and ask whether it was a coincidence or whether your son had upset her son.

You need to speak to her privately and assure her that your son is very upset. She may just dislike you but it's wrong to take it out on children. If she says she has no clue what your talking about and it carries on then make a formal complaint to the education office about her.

I have a woman like that who has taken a dislike to me an my daughter and has excluded us both from events. It's caused upset and i swear it has affected how the other girls treat my dd but i have no evidence if this other than it seems It seems like my dd is moving away from this group now. If she is the type to do this then she probably won't care but I would call her out on it.

The fact that she is a teacher is not relevant. She is not doing this as a teacher, she is doing this as a parent.

If you talk to her then do not approach her or do it at school. How would you feel if she turned up at your workplace and started talking about her son?

It could well be that she invites who her son asks her to invite.

Is she just a teacher or his teacher?

You have two separate issues.

Maybe she knew the other parents from NCT/pre-school days, and she is inviting kids of her friendship group? I know a teacher who in a similar situation (teaching at the same school her DD went to) was reluctant to invite people round unless she knew then from the time before her DD was at school, as she wanted to avoid any awkward school conversations with people she didn't really know.

Maybe her son doesn't want to invite your son.

Ask her.

The fact that she is a teacher at the school is relevant as she should be even more conscious of how children can be excluded. A 'back to school' party that excludes one child is just plain nasty. I would either approach her directly, or speak to the head about how it was affecting my child.

I say this as a teacher whose children attend the school I teach at.

Just realised- I read your OP as inviting every other not in the class, but having gone back I see that you said the others in the group. That might make a difference, because a class is very clear-cut whereas a group may be more subjective, meaning a less deliberate exclusion.

I agree, the fact that's she's a teacher is very relevant as she's being very unpleasant to a child who has to see her every day and who is in a position of authority over him.

I would talk to her and if you get no satisfactory response (and I'm struggling to think you would unless your DS is secretly an out-and-out take it to the school.

Oop, words disappeared! Out-and-out horror, then...

Thank you for taking time to reply, ladies, it's very helpful.

Namechangetoday15, I've considered asking her, but I don't know if that would make things worse.

Mandyemma13, I do think it's because she doesn't like me. Her son is always the one to initiate contact with my son and they stay on the phone for hours talking. I've listened closely to their conversations and I've never heard any name calling or falling out whatsoever. I'm certain the problem isn't between the boys.
My son has asked her son why he doesn't invite him and he has always said he wants to but it's his Mum. So I think she is aware that my son is upset.

Swisschocolate, I agree she's doing it as a parent, however, the fact that my son has to see her at various times during the school day and sometimes has her as a teacher, makes it relevant that she is also a teacher. He now thinks she hates him and hates the thought of having to see her at school. If she wasn't a teacher at his school, it wouldn't be as bad.

Scarydinosaur, she isn't his full time teacher, but he sees her a lot round school and she sometimes teaches his class when his teacher is away.

BonybackJefferson, I agree there are two issues.

Merlottime, yes that is part of it as well. She's inviting boys of mums she's friends with. I'm not part of that clique but she's known us since the boys started in Reception and we've invited her son to every event we've had. She was also doing this before she became a teacher.

Penfold007, I've thought of that but I don't think there's any possibility that her son doesn't want to invite my son. I think this woman simply doesn't like me and is taking it out on my son.
I don't know why she dislikes me either. I have never had any disagreements with her. My interactions with her have always been friendly, at least to my face anyway.

Ningnang2000, yes, I think that is what is happening with my son as well, with regard to some of the other boys. I wish my son could move away from the group altogether but unfortunately it's a small class. I've considered moving schools though.

LLjjkk, I was reluctant to ask her but I might well have to.

As a teacher she should be aware of how unpleasant it is to single out a child for exclusion but it really isn't something that could be reported as someone suggested.

Very misleading title.
What you mean is, someone who teaches at the school, has a son that your ds is friends with. You feel there is a group, that your ds is part of. The other parent - as you have said - has a group of friends who have dc of the same age, and she is good at getting them together socially.
That is a very different scenario from a teacher excluding your child.
As merlottime says, it can be awkward when you are both a teacher and a parent at the same school, and makes a lot of sense to keep a professional distance from people she didn't know prior to them all starting at the school.

MrsKCastle, thanks for your reply. She didn't invite the whole class, just my son's group of friends. She has excluded him repeatedly and each time my son has told her son that he's upset asked him why he wasn't invited. So, unless her son hasn't mentioned to her that my son is upset, I am presuming that she does know.

Despite her not inviting my son I've always invited her son to my child's parties and he's always attended. I think it's really cruel to exclude one child from a close group and I didn't want to do that to another child.

if they are 9 this will soon naturally resolve as they take charge of their own social lives eg going out in a group pokehunting, going swimming, playing footie out. perhaps you could encourage your son to start organising meet ups that dont involve parental involvement outside the house? eg getting a bus to the pool for a swim, going to town for a pokehunt etc.

Thanks, RiverTam, ha no he's not a horror. He's very a shy boy and lacks confidence, which is why it makes it even more awful that she's singling him out. If he was badly behaved I could understand it, but he really isn't. He's just a nice, quiet boy. He's very laid back and gets on with most children.

Even though the teacher's motive for excluding him may be reasonable one, still, OP's ds is suffering.
Not reporting or anything, but can you talk to his class teacher about what's happening and ask for advice? Or is it a bad idea?
I think once she became a teacher, she should treat children and parents equally, and forget about her clique.

Backforgood, I don't think it's a misleading title. It's not an easy situation to describe. She is excluding my child from social gatherings with his friends and she is also a teacher at his school, which means she is in a position of responsibility and ought to be aware of the impact on a child.

Yes, she's inviting boys of mums she friends with but not all the mums of boys she invites are her friends.

She was doing this before she became a teacher, so I don't think it's to do with keeping a professional distance.

Thanks Irvinoneohone, I don't feel like I can talk to his class teacher because she is a colleague of this woman. It's a really awkward situation.

I also agree that she should treat parents and children equally. She's definitely inviting boys from her clique, but there's others as well.

"She was doing this before she became a teacher"

I think this is a key point. Has she ever invited your son to social events?

Hi mrz, yes, she did invite my son to social events when they were younger but stopped about 3 years ago.

I ignored it and carried on inviting her son to my son's parties. It's become more of a problem since she became a teacher at his school, because now he has to see her on a daily basis. If she wasn't working at his school we could carry on ignoring it, so to speak.

Is it in a place where the village and county start with the same letter?