Teacher excluding my son from social events

[Coolmammy]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

[Coolmammy]

Oblomov16, there's 7 in the group and she invited the other 5 and left my son out. She stopped inviting him to parties (play centre parties) about 3 years ago, yes. My son has never been invited to her house but all the other boys have.
My son's best friend went, yes. I've been keeping all this to myself, just discussing it with my husband and family.

My son does have other friends, he gets on well with other children. He just loves playing and doesn't get into arguments or fight.

[Corialanusburt]

I think it's an issue that you now need to bring up with the head who hopefully isn't very pally with this teacher.
The head needs to know that this teacher is holding events in which only one child is regularly excluded and that this is now impacting on him to such an extent that he is fearful of returning to school.
It is a school issue, not just a personal one. And school has a duty of care to support your son to feel happy and secure while he's there.

[user789653241]

Yes, totally agree with Cori

[mrz]

I'm afraid that the head has no jurisdiction over what staff do outside of school (as long as it's not illegal )
How would you like it if your boss told you who your child has to play with in your home?

[sharkinthedark]

I'm not sure that I completely agree with that point of view. Teachers are strongly encouraged to be very careful about what they post on social networks for example.

[Corialanusburt]

It's an unusual situation, and more complicated as the personal and school issues are linked. But there is still a school issue. The teacher is making him feel uncomfortable in school. If the school has no jurisdiction over this, you might need to move him to another school.
I'd feel sick to know that DD was being cared for by someone who consciously excluded her.

[GoldFishFingerz]

I don't think it's appropriate to bring it up with the head when you haven't talked to her about it. The head can't insist she invites your son! It's nothing to do with school really.

You could always talk to the lady and say that your son feels that you don't like him. Please could you talk to him about it. But really she's under no obligation to invite your son to anything. Professionally she has done nothing wrong. It can be very hard for teachers whose children attend their school. There's often an awkwardness around professionalism and socialising.

I think you and your son will need to move on. You'll simply just gave to reassure your son and let him work his way through it. It's probably a good lesson in someways, if a bit hard emotionally.

[user789653241]

I get what you are saying, mrz. But all his friends are from school, and only him getting excluded all the time seems to me a form of bullying, and need to be sorted out some how.

[mrz]

Is the teacher making him feel uncomfortable in school or is he uncomfortable because he hasn't been invited to her home? There is a subtle difference.

I'd certainly be very unhappy if my head told me who to invite into my home and I'm afraid I'd tell him he was overstepping his authority.

[mrz]

Would you think that if this woman worked in the local supermarket or was the lollipop lady or lived next door?
For some reason she stopped inviting the OPs child before she became a teacher ...why wait three years to complain?

I hate the idea of any child being left out (always invited all the year group to parties etc) and don't think it's right but it's her choice and nothing to do with the school as long as she behaves professionally towards him in school.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

This is why I think it is a very poor idea for teachers to have their own children at their school.

My DD moved schools in year 5. DD is very sunny natured and always popular. The year 6 teacher's daughter was a bit bossy and braggy and generally not very well liked by the other kids. At the year six residential, the kids chose their own groups of six to roomshare. Teacher's daughter was not included in the group she wanted to be in, so got her Mum to swap my DD out of her group

And don't get me started on all the stuff her son got away with in her class.

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

What has happened when u hold parties and I vite her some to play? Is he allowed to come and play with your son? If so I'd maybe try to focus on this with ur son, have the child over and maybe some others if ur son would like that. She's being mean, but I'm not sure if asking is likely to improve her behaviour. My DC had several friends who we had our many times but the mothers only invited the kids of their friends so no return trips. I decided to ignore it as the sole purpose was for the kids to see their friends, and it didn't bother my DC particularly that it was always at our house. Appreciate its different for u as it has upset ur son, but maybe if you keep having the child over, and some others, the kids will soon be old enough to make their own plans and will automatically include ur DS?

[GoldFishFingerz]

Its not bullying/exclusion to not invite a child to a party or two or three.

People can have who they like to a party and you need to choose how you respond to that.

[Coolmammy]

I haven't waited three years to complain, mrz. It wasn't as obvious as it now, because these gatherings have become more frequent and her son and my son are much more friendly than they were 3 years ago.
I'm not telling her who to invite into her home, but inviting all the others and not him is cruel and is sending out a message that there's something "wrong" with him, in my opinion.

Also, as I've said, he didn't have to see her every day before she starting teaching at his school.

Thanks, Corialanusburt and Irvineone, for understanding this situation. It is quite sickening for me to know that my son could be taught by someone he thinks doesn't like him and treats him like this. Whichever way you look at it, it's really nasty. I don't think anyone would want their child treated like this.

Goldfishfingerz, he will bounce back and move on, until the next time she does it again and he will be upset all over again..

[Corialanusburt]

How much contact does he have with her at school? Does she ever take his lessons? Has she ever behaved coldly or unkindly to him in school? I guess, if contact is minimal, you can see out the next couple of years.

[TwoLeftSocks]

I think in your shoes I'd have a chat with her in school starting that obviously you've got no say in what happens in her sons social life but that your son has got the impression that she doesn't like him. Could she please reassure him that that isn't the case so that it doesn't impact on his learning and happiness at school.

[user789653241]

Gold, I totally understand what you are saying, but only if the choice of not to invite was by her son. Maybe in ks1, when parents may need to mingle as well, but manipulating 9 year old's friendship because of her likes or dislikes of parents seems very ... nasty/childish/ everything.

OP, I really hope it gets sorted out somehow. It's heartbreaking to see your child suffer like this.

[mrz]

"I'm not telling her who to invite into her home"

No but if you go to the head and he is foolish enough to make it a school issue it's as good as .

From what you say I think she is behaving badly /unkindly towards your child but it has nothing to do with the school unless she acts unprofessionally.

[bojorojo]

Lots of schools still have Home/School agreements and these frequently ask parents to let the school know if there is any issue which prevents their child learning whilst at school. Not wanting to go to school clearly impinges on his learning. Do you have such as agreement OP? If so, does it ask you to inform the school of any problems your DS is encountering? I would see the Head. At least you can explain the situation and why your DS is unhappy about going to school. I think this is hugely difficult by the way and a solution looks very difficult.

I think less parental involvement is the best idea. Try and get the boys to go out without parents tagging along - there are lots of opportunities to do this as the boys get older.

[Coolmammy]

Yes, Corialanusburt, she does sometimes take his lessons, but she's not his full time teacher. He says that she always says hello to him when she sees him in school, more so than any of the other boys. So she's not doing anything nasty at school or acting unprofessionally.

I don't know of any home/school agreement Bojorojo. It is a very difficult situation and unfortunately, I don't think the head would be even interested.

Thanks Irvinoneohone, it is terrible. Not sure such a person is even suited to working with children. My son keeps busy anyway.. He does a lot of activities, is a member of various clubs and doing really well with his schoolwork. I think he realises that it's not him that's the problem, it's her.

[a7mints]

My immediate thought is that this is a social-climbing thing, and you don't 'fit the mould'

[Coolmammy]

You could have something there A7mints, though I'm not sure what her 'mould' is. We're not from the local area like most of the other parents, so we're outsiders in that sense.

She does have a reputation, outside her little clique, as being horrible and stuck up. So it's possible that she does consider herself 'above' us so to speak.

[SharonfromEON]

I think at this point you have nothing to loose to approach this mum...Simply if it is getting to the point you are considering changing schools very little to loose.

Does her DS ever come to your house? is he invited ? Does other child go to other people's houses?

I am just trying to work out why?

[Coolmammy]

Ptarmigandancing, thanks for your idea, but I don't want to encourage any kind of friendship with her son. Since she started snubbing my son I've tried to steer him away from her son. I've invited him to my son's birthday parties but that's it. Unfortunately, kids will choose their own friends and gravitate to those they get on well with.

TwoLeftSocks, yours is a good idea as well. I don't think she'll take any notice of anything I say. If she cared anything for my son's happiness she wouldn't have done this. But it is looking like I will have to talk to her.

[rosebeen]

NC.
Honestly this issue has nothing to do with school and you need to sort it out yourselves. If you are concerned about friendships then it would be appropriate to talk to the class teacher but only about friendships in school and certainly not about your perception of the actions of the other parent (who happens to be a staff member).

You also need to re-read your posts and reflect on them, you sound very jealous and bitter. Not sure such a person is even suited to working with children. and She does have a reputation, outside her little clique, as being horrible and stuck up.

We have a hard line (as advised by LA) on issues involving incidents between staff and parents/community. School premises are private property.

So if a parent or community member came onto my site angry about a personal issue with a staff member the action would be:

Explain it is not appropriate
Ask them to leave.
If they did not leave and/or became aggressive or abusive- call the community officer (or police if violent)
Ban them from the site (if there is any violence, threatening behaviour and/or abuse against school staff)

You either need to talk to the other mother out of school or you need to ignore it.