Teacher excluding my son from social events

[Coolmammy]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

[SirChenjin]

Gold - that is not the case for the OP's son. What happens in other friendship groups is irrelevant to this boy who is being left out of events that his regular school friendship group are coming together for.

OP - how is it going? Did you speak to her?

[mrz]

It's a horrible situation but what do you think will be achieved by informing the school? The teacher isn't excluding the OPs child in school in fact the opposite.

[derxa]

She maybe just not aware that this group has 7 boys
Rubbish.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Unfortunately, like most bullies, she'll be relying on your silence. I would bring it up at a school meeting to be honest - ask if she has a problem with you, as it's affecting your ds's time at school. I know people will say it's not a school matter, but it puts it 'out there' ideally in front of at least one reasonable person.

A school friends 'D'M was like this to me. She was very upwardly mobile and I came from a council estate, our street was right next to theirs, but still... We didn't even have a carport! When we went out to eat she'd mock me for choosing a burger and chips, I was about 7 or 8 at the time, and she would tell my friends DB to tell me that I was boring. I was eventually bumped for a pony owning girl from a much more desirable area.

[Scorbus]

I am a teacher in my DD's school and it's a bloody minefield where friends are concerned.

I do meet up with parents but never at my home. All of my DD's friends' parents know that I don't want to blur the boundaries too much because I may teach older siblings etc. We tend to meet up outside the home for play dates.

It is tough. The exclusion was happening before this mother became a teacher but it is now becoming a school issue due to the OP's son not wanting to go to school.

[mrz]

My children had friendship groups from home, friendship groups in school, friends from nursery, friends who were the children of my friends, friends from out of school activities (judo, gymnastics, ballet, golf, trampolining etc)

[GoldFishFingerz]

Sir - no. My friendship group and both my boys/girls friendship groups are large but within that group there are smaller groups with different hobbies/activities. Friends are all kind women and children. Salt of the earth. However we don't feel we need to do everything as one massive group.

[Autumnsky]

Haven't read all the post, but I would say that OP has to talk to the mum first to find out why she dosen't invite OP's DC. She maybe just not aware that this group has 7 boys. If OP talk to her and let her know her DC is upset because of this, I can't imagine any normal person would keep doing it unless she is really a unkind person. Then keep away from this woman and her son.

[derxa]

It's not right at all but as you might know some teachers are bullies and not inclusive. Keep boosting up your DS and reassure him that sometimes adults don't behave as they should.

[SirChenjin]

No - it's normal to have a close group of friends that you socialise with, and activities that you do outwith and around that. Perhaps your definition of normal differs from mine, but if my group of friends organised things and habitually left me out then I'd be hurt - and I certainly wouldn't consistently leave one child out of events. I'm kind and thoughtful that way.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Sir -its normal to have various smaller friendship groups/seperate activities within a larger friendship group. Everyone doesn't have to do everything together

[SirChenjin]

It's not 'common to aspire' - it's absolutely natural to want to be part of something that all your friends group are doing, and natural to feel hurt if they habitually organise things that you are left out of - just as with adults. It's a form of bullying. As Zippy says though, some adults are just bad mannered and ignorant, and extend that to their children's friends.

[norabattyapparently]

as a pp said some people are just plain nasty. My DH exw is a TA and when I was appealing for a primary school place for my DD I had to explain in detail why the school she works at wasn't an option - because she would take out her hatred for me and DH on our daughter (and although I didn't say it I wanted to say I'd have ended up knocking her out)

[Zippydoodah]

it is unfortunately. However, it's sometimes difficult to explain as in this case the other boy wants him there.

I also find that certain parents habitually do this to other adults. I only recently had my dd complain about a group leaving her out. When I got her from a party recently, the parents suddenly started organising a night out .if it had been me, I'd have said you come to or waited until I'd gone or texted facebooked etc. If adults don't model good behaviour, how will children learn?

[GoldFishFingerz]

It's very common for children to aspire to be a part of certain events. It very common for children not to attend everything they aspire to attend. It's a sad fact of life but parents can use it to help build resilience.

[SirChenjin]

Ah - see what you mean. Yes, we get that in the NHS - public sector workers are all scroungers and work for the public, according to some.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Some people are of the belief that as they pay taxes, and some of those taxes go towards teachers salaries, that they are paying the teachers wages and therefore they are the boss.

although in mrz's case its different it is a similar mind set.

[SirChenjin]

Good grief - what an awful woman .

Boney - being the teacher's boss?

[user789653241]

I think some people are just plain nasty. I don't even know why this mum hates me so much. Is it because I'm a foreigner? Or is it because my ds is cleverer than her ds?
This boy always come running to my son when he sees him, clearly he is fond of my ds.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

SirChenjin

Its along the line of that old cherry about being the teachers boss.

[mrz]

As a widow with 2 Young children she wrongly assumed I was receiving benefits (paid for by her taxes) while I was at university so in the minds of these mums they were working to keep me and my family

[SirChenjin]

Paying taxes to keep you?! What on earth did she mean by that??

[SirChenjin]

That sounds awful - he was very lucky that he had other friends outside of the whole year that he could go out with when they were all having fun, but it must have been horrible for him. Why some parents do this is a mystery to me - even more so when they are in a trusted position like a teacher. It's nothing more than nasty, childish, bullying behaviour - shameful.

[mrz]

My neighbours sons and mine had been inseparable friends. Some days they were at my house from early morning until bedtime but when I started my teacher training some rather nasty comments were made by the mum's about paying taxes to keep me and from then on my son was shunned.

[user789653241]

My ds's class mate's mum do that too, mrz.
Funny thing was, the boy came to me once, and said he was really disappointed that my ds can't come, please make sure he can come next year, in front of his mum! She was mortified, she must have lied that I said no. This boy isn't so close to my ds, but ds was clearly hurt hearing children's voices having fun etc. I don't even want to imagine one of his close friend's mum done this.