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Original poster

Teacher excluding my son from social events

174 replies

Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 00:01

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

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NightNightBadger19962 · 03/09/2016 16:02

To reduce your son's worries about it, I would tell him that you think for some reason she has a problem with you (rather than her or her son not liking him). If I was brave I would ask her directly.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:02

Ackeeandsaltfish, not sure what you mean?

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Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:05

Thanks NightNightBadger19962, I've always said that to my son, that it's not about him, it's about me. That does seem to make him feel better.

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Ackeeandsaltfish · 03/09/2016 16:10

I can think of a teacher who likes to stir things up, especially to do with childrens' friendship groups, (spiteful gossiping with their class teachers and other parents so that a child is excluded) - I wonder if it is the same woman, who has a 9 year old at the school she teaches? She has a bee in her bonnet about "friendship"

Ackeeandsaltfish · 03/09/2016 16:12

The school's name and the county it's in have the same initial letter.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:18

Ackeeandsaltfish, yes, this sounds very much like the same woman. She does appear to be trying to manipulate the friendship group and has made spiteful comments about other children. Maybe this sort of thing is more common than we think?

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Ackeeandsaltfish · 03/09/2016 16:18

Also, her problems stem from her hatred of the child in question's parent.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:20

Ackeeandsaltfish, what's the letter of the school?

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Corialanusburt · 03/09/2016 16:20

There is a reason she's doing this? You're more familiar with the situation than us, so why do you think she's excluding him OP?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 03/09/2016 16:22

If you are concerned that there is an issue between the DCs of which you are unaware then speak to the HT.
If you are concerned that the teacher is treating your DS unfairly in class, then speak to the HT.
If you are concerned about future problems (ie bullying, your DS being excluded more widely) then don't speak to anyone but keep an eye on the situation.

norabattyapparently · 03/09/2016 16:24

Fuck that as a teacher she should know better than to behave like such a bitch I'd have hit the roof by now!!

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:25

Corialanusburt, that's the thing, I have no idea why she's doing it. My son gets on great with her son, so I really do think it's me she has a problem with. I don't know why though.

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Corialanusburt · 03/09/2016 16:26

How might you have offended her?
Ever complained about her?

norabattyapparently · 03/09/2016 16:28

It doesn't matter how she's offended her, taking it out on a child like this is absolutely disgusting and she shouldn't be a teacher

Ackeeandsaltfish · 03/09/2016 16:30

have sent pm

Sorry I don't mean her hatred of you. If its the same woman, she really hated me and tried to destroy my child's friendship group (my child was not really a friend of her other child).

GoldFishFingerz · 03/09/2016 16:31

I think it's fine not to invite everyone to a party. At 9 he should be mature enough to accept that not everyone goes to everything. Parties are often small aged 9 and by nature smaller parties are less inclusive. She's probably just inviting a mixture of her sons favourite friends and drawing the line numbers wise. She might get on well with the other boys parents or be quite fond of some of the other boys attending. It mightn't be about your son at all. I think you possibly might be making it worse by seeing it as an injustice. When your son invites others to his party, the exchange is the gift. It's daft to expect a party invite in return.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:32

Norabattyapparently, I know, I am very angry about it. I would never treat a child the way she's treated mine.

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Ackeeandsaltfish · 03/09/2016 16:32

Its just the way she went about things makes me think either she's done a lot of bullying in the past and is accustomed to it, or was bullied herself and knows how bullies operate at school.

I really hope its not the same woman.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:38

Corialanusburt, I can put my hand on my heart and say that I have never said or done anything to offend this woman. I have no idea why she is behaving like this, none at all.
I haven't complained about her, no. I thought I would come on here, explain the situation and see what others think.

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Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:52

I agree with what your saying Goldfishfingers,. I don't think for one minute that you should have to invite everyone to a party. There have been parties my son's not been invited to, he's absolutely fine with it and so am I. It's not about party invites, it's about deliberate exclusion.
If her son was more friendly with some of the others she's inviting I would absolutely understand and not be in the least offended. But some of them he doesn't even play with and as far as I know, she isn't friends with their mothers.
We're not talking a birthday party once a year, she is throwing numerous events and not inviting my son to anything, even though they are really good friends.

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GoldFishFingerz · 03/09/2016 16:55

It sounds to me like she is inviting boys that she aspires her child to play with.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 16:56

Aplaceonthecouch, I'm one hundred percent certain there's no issue between my son and her son. They get on great.

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GoldFishFingerz · 03/09/2016 16:58

Maybe just accept it for what it is and look to establish other friendships where the parents are more prepared to invest.

Oblomov16 · 03/09/2016 17:03

How many boys are in this group?
5?
6?
7?
Including your son?
She has a back to school party, and invites how many of them? 5 out of the 6? Your son is the only one not invited?
This, ie the non inviting had been going on for 3 years. So she invited your son to birthdays before but then stopped?
Presumably her son complained about something your son did, possibly at school. Or your son did something in her house she didn't like?
Your son has a best friend, who is part of this group and was invited to recent party. Have you spoken to his mum?

Why don't you just ring the mum, ask her if your son has done anything to offend her?

Original poster
Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 17:07

Yes, I accepted that she doesn't want her son mixing with mine. And I don't want my son mixing with hers. Unfortunately, they're in the same class at school and this boy constantly phones my son when they're not in school.

The problem is that he now thinks she hates him and doesn't want to go back to school, because she is there.

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