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Original poster

Teacher excluding my son from social events

174 replies

Coolmammy · 03/09/2016 00:01

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

OP posts:
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SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 13:01

I'm with you OP - and the others who agree that this is a shitty thing to do.

As for not attending every friend's party being something he needs to work his way through - nope, don't agree. Leaving a child out of a party is bullying behaviour, and I'm sure she's well aware of her actions and their consequences. How many threads are there on MN where a poster has been left out of group invites - and I've yet to see anything but sympathy and an acknowledgement that it's shitty behaviour on the rest of the group. As adults - esp those who work with children - we have a duty to model basic good behaviour, and she's not doing that.

SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 13:05

parties plural - she has form

GoldFishFingerz · 05/09/2016 13:07

It's one or two parties a year. No biggie.

GoblinLittleOwl · 05/09/2016 13:07

Most definitely do not speak to the school; this is not their business in any way. The most you can do, and I think it would be impertinent, is to ask this mother about why your child is apparently being excluded from her house. Teachers have to be wary about who they let into their homes. You may get an unpleasant shock.

SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 13:14

1 or 2 parties - and the rest. Don't know about you, but I wouldn't do that to the same one child. I also wouldn't like it if my friend group did it to me.

I agree the OP needs to speak to her - call her out on it.

Genevieva · 05/09/2016 13:37

It is the school's business when a teacher is bullying a child. Her decisions are causing him to feel anxious about going to school, especially in the gap between invitation and party and in the immediate aftermath. She is then manipulating his emotions at school by making him think that she likes him, so he hope he might get to come next time.

It is quite clear that this woman is affecting your son's ordinary enjoyment of school and possibly his confidence in himself and in his abilities. This is a bullying issue and should be dealt with in the same way you would any other related staff-related bullying issue - by going to the head teacher.

Original poster
Coolmammy · 05/09/2016 14:16

Thanks, Genevieva, you have completely understood the situation and offered some great advice.
She has had parties away from home also and not invited my son, so the issue isn't just with her home. I have thought about excluding her son from our parties, but I would be imitating her behaviour which I find repugnant. However, I agree maybe she does need a taste of her own medicine.

GoldFishfingerz, how have I overreacted? I haven't even said anything to this lady or the school. You're completely missing the point and trivialising my son's situation.

It's way more complicated than "attending parties".

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolmammy · 05/09/2016 14:21

GoblinLittleOwl, what do you "mean teachers have to be wary who they let in their house. You may get an unpleasant shock"?

We are a decent, respectable family, with professional positions. We're not criminals.

In any case, she was doing this long before she became a teacher.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolmammy · 05/09/2016 14:27

Goldfishfingerz, "it's one or two parties" a year. No biggie"

I didn't say anywhere on this thread that it's one or two parties a year. So why are you writing that?

OP posts:
norabattyapparently · 05/09/2016 15:36

How can someone who is supposed to be responsible for the education and welfare of children be trusted in that position if she behaves this way?
I wouldn't want her teaching my DC in case she decided to take a dislike to them!

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 05/09/2016 15:37

If u have already decide that u would never leave ur son with her, and u won't invite her son to play because of her rudeness in not inviting your child, I don't know what advice anyone can usefully offer.
She has behaved badly, we do sympathise, but things like this happen, and the only thing u can do is help ur son be less upset and not bother about what this woman may think/feel. Dwelling on it, and trying to discourage the friendship isn't likely to make u or ur son any happier. Please try to help him focus on positives rather dwell on this, when u have already decided he is never attending her events anyway.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/09/2016 15:46

This is exactly why I think staff having their children in the school they teach in is not a good idea.

My dc's are at a private school and I absolutely would talk to the headmaster about this. But then as a school we have guidelines about parties and excluding children.

What she is doing is hardly in keeping with a kind and inclusive school.

And deliberately excluding one child from a group back to school party is very unkind.

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/09/2016 15:47

I only mention the fact my children's school is private as aware that state schools wouldn't be able to be so umm dictatorial about parties outside of school.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 05/09/2016 15:47

And if I understood what u have said correctly, she isn't excluding one child in a class, she is inviting a small group of 4-5, and u feel that ur son is rightfully part of that 'group' . The two are different, and this is only 'exclusion' in a very broad sense of the word.

SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 16:06

Not, that's not the case at all. A friendship group is very important at that age (indeed, at any age). When a parent is consistently leaving out one boy then that absolutely is exclusion.

Think of it this way. If your friendship group starting leaving you out of events, you would feel - and would be - excluded.

mrz · 05/09/2016 16:11

" I am asking how other mothers would feel and how would they would deal with it."

As I said its natural for us as mothers to feel upset on our child's behalf when we feel they are being (deliberately) left out. I've certainly felt angry and sad when this has happened to my children. Angry that I've always made the effort to include their child and sad that my child was singled out (only boy in the class not included in play dates). But I realised I have no control over other parents and needed to ignore it so it didn't become a big issue for my son and made the effort to do something special with him instead.

mrz · 05/09/2016 16:13

" I am asking how other mothers would feel and how would they would deal with it."

As I said its natural for us as mothers to feel upset on our child's behalf when we feel they are being (deliberately) left out. I've certainly felt angry and sad when this has happened to my children. Angry that I've always made the effort to include their child and sad that my child was singled out (only boy in the class not included in play dates). But I realised I have no control over other parents and needed to ignore it so it didn't become a big issue for my son and made the effort to do something special with him instead.

SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 16:24

I think it's very naive to think it won't be a big issue for a child - it's a big issue for an adult to be left out of friendship group events. Add the fact that the person doing the leaving out is a teacher at his school - someone who he should feel supported by and who he should be able to trust and respect - then it becomes an even greater issue. A nice day out won't make up for that.

derxa · 05/09/2016 16:28

She's a teacher and having a 'Back To School' party. When I was a teacher it's the last thing I would have thought of doing. Usually it's all systems go.
What about the other mothers? Her friends. How do you get on with them?
Is she jealous of you? Is your son doing better than her son?
I wouldn't mention parties at school. This teacher would just love the idea that you are hurt. However you need to have a little meeting with the class teacher to discuss the fact that your son isn't feeling great about school. Things may come out if you word your questions carefully.

mrz · 05/09/2016 16:42

"A nice day out won't make up for that."

Actually it did every time because he was doing things he liked with friends

Fairenuff · 05/09/2016 16:45

I suppose, looking at if from her point of view, it might just be like this.

'A woman's son has a group of friends, one of which has a mother which she doesn't want anything to do with so she doesn't invite this child to her house when the others are meeting there. However, as she happens to work at the same school that the boy attends, she is always careful to make sure that she is friendly and polite to him whenever she sees him.'

She might not even be aware that this is a big problem for your ds OP.

Either way, I would definitely encourage him to ignore it and carry on seeing this group of friends at school, at home and on trips out.

CalmItKermitt · 05/09/2016 17:25

Are you going to speak to her?

SirChenjin · 05/09/2016 18:02

mrz - was your son on the receiving end of exactly the same as the OP's son? Being excluded - multiple times - by a teacher at his school? His friends' group attending things together that he was excluded from, ie with no-one to do those things he liked doing with?

The odd one or 2 parties - yep, you can arrange other things for them. Being consistently left out of things that your friends are all going to en masse leaving you with no-one to go out with, having to listen to the planning and the after-event chat is a very different scenario.

As I said, as an adult it's hard to accept that you're being left out of events that your friends are going to - and it's up to the adult organising a childrens's event to make sure that no-one in the friends's group is left out, regardless of what you think of the parents.

mrz · 05/09/2016 18:05

No not by a teacher but by two mothers for the whole of primary school. One our next door neighbour and the other lived in the same close. So he could see and hear all the boys in his year having fun just over the fence

user789653241 · 05/09/2016 18:20

My ds's class mate's mum do that too, mrz.
Funny thing was, the boy came to me once, and said he was really disappointed that my ds can't come, please make sure he can come next year, in front of his mum! She was mortified, she must have lied that I said no. This boy isn't so close to my ds, but ds was clearly hurt hearing children's voices having fun etc. I don't even want to imagine one of his close friend's mum done this.