Teacher excluding my son from social events

[Coolmammy]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

[BiscuitMillionaire]

wtf rosebeen? Why are you wittering on about someone being violent or abusive in school? And no the OP does not come across as jealous and bitter. Upset that her son is distressed, understandably.

[BookABooSue]

Not all teachers would take the attitude of rosebeen. Our HT asked all parents to flag up all issues that could affect the DCS even if they happened outwith school and involved other parent's. Her attitude was that it could easily tip over into a school problem and they'd rather be forewarned. I'd also say that most HTs know about the 'problem' (social climbing/friendship manipulating) parents. Such parents may think their nastiness flies below the radar but often it doesn't.

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

Rosebeen, schools really aren't 'private property' at all, you have made that up.

Not sure what u read into the OPs words that led to all that, it sounds like response to a thread called 'i plan to beat up a teacher, at school'! All the OP ever said was that she might possibly talk to the woman, I don't think schools have policies for preventing that.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Either talk to her and explain your DS thinks she doesn't like him (therefore showing him how to resolve things) or help him develop the coping skills needed. He sounds particularly sensitive.

[GoldFishFingerz]

You don't need to be angry about it.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I think you need to ask the school for support with the issue that effects the school. ie his unhappiness about returning and some work on friendship groups and resilience. you can say you realise that not everyone gets invited to everything etc, but your son has noticed about the back to school party and is upset. tell them that hse has been professional in school and have no complaints there if it is true.

you also need to work on the resilience and self confidence at home a little bit more than usual, due to the circumstances.

[Oblomov16]

Things have changed, in that OP is now saying more things.
OP doesn't want her son being friends with this woman's son.
Don't let your views override what your son wants.
But OP's son likes this boy. This boy keeps phoning OP's son. Does this teacher woman know this.

Why don't you go all out OP.
Invite the boy over for a play date. Ha ha, and when she comes to collect, joke, ask her jokingly, when she's going to reciprocate, because ds was so sorry to have missed out on her back to school party.
Ha ha. No sorry, that might not work.

[Oblomov16]

Or just accept that mums sometimes control/involve in friendships.
Some don't but most do.
There are tonnes of threads on MN. Girl A has a dominant girl in her group, girl B. Girl B includes girl A one day and not the next, so girl A regularly sobbing. All posters respond : you can't do anything other than encourage 'other' friendships.

Or, I think this girl is too dominant to my dd, this boy is too rough and uses bad language. I don't want my ds being friends with him, so I'll encourage other friendships.?

'Encourage other friendships'. Polite way of getting rid of a not so desirable friend.

Maybe she thinks your common as muck. Maybe she isn't keen on the friendship between her son and yours.

Do you think this is uncommon?
Even I do it. Ds2 is friends with most, but has 3 close friends and I'm happy with all of them, so my involvement is minimal. But if one went a bit sour, or he started to be upset, do you honestly think I wouldn't be involved? Get real.

This is all quite normal. We all have preferences for who are child is friends with - we just want them to be happy, and friends with a child who we think is a good match.

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

Yeah, I can't see how to help once it be and that you don't want ur DS to be friendly with the boy! It now seems like you BOTH want them not to socialise, which is sad for them. Hope you find something positive to point ur son at instead, but if there's no problem with the little boy of the teacher, but you just don't want them mixing, it starts to seem a bit like tit for tat between the adults (and now u and the other mother actually want the same thing???)

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

'became that', not 'be and '!

[mrz]

Coolmammy are the boys she invites children of her "clique"?

[Coolmammy]

Rosebeen, jealous and bitter?

Absolutely not. I said she had a "reputation" for being horrible and stuck up. I have no opinion on her either way.

I am just concerned about the way she has treated my son, that she has repeatedly hurt his feelings by excluding him, surely a teacher should know better? That is why I questioned her suitably to work with children.

Your comments about agressive/threatening behavior etc are unnecessary.

Oblomov16, things haven't changed. I have never had a problem with my son being friends with her son. Her son is a very nice boy. The only reason I'm not encouraging my son to be friends with him is because he is repeatedly being hurt by the boy's mother. His mother has made it clear she doesn't like us, so I would prefer my son to be friends with people who do.

No, we are not common as muck.

Ptarmigandancing, it certainly isn't titfortat between adults. I continued inviting her son to my son's parties even though she continually excluded my son. I wish my son to have as many friends as possible and that included her son. However, it is clear she doesn't want her son to be friends with mine, and that is very hurtful to my son. I do not want my son to be continually hurt. Would anyone want their child to be friends with a child whose mother dislikes them?

[Coolmammy]

Sorry should have said "suitability" not "suitably"

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

If the mother has said that she dislikes your son, then that is so.ething concrete, which u should indeed talk to her about, ask why, and try to resolve..but I don't think you are saying that she has, ur saying g that u feel that she doesn't like him, based on what is happening. It's not the same, she may be thoughtless and cliquey, she may dislike u, who knows?
You need to stop seeing it as a personal vendetta to hurt ur son, unless there is real evidence of this, and to discourage your son form believing this (this is more important than what u believe actually). Frankly I'd probably tell him that the mum disliked me, to help him get away from the view that she hates him, which is the worst issue here when she works in the school.
If u want ur son to be happy and see his friend, u can invite him over, doesn't matter if the mum dislikes ur son, or you, you can't change that, so let it go...
A few years and the mums will have very little say in who is at who's house anyway.
My kids had several friends whose mums always blanked me outside school, and never invited my DC, no idea why, but I invited their kids over anyway, they came, everyone happy. Little boys don't dwell on being left out of one thing if there's an alternative coming up.
You can't make people like you, or your son, you can only facilitate his friendships and build his confidence by helping him not to take things personally, and to find a positive solution.

If, and only if, she does or says something objectively nasty to ur DS, then you should speak to the head and her, in a meeting - all the rest is guessing what she thinks and feels, and not worth dwelling on.
Sorry if this seems like a telling off, I'm just concerned that it getting stuck in a negative loop which stops u solving the problem and making ur son happier :-)

[Fairenuff]

Why don't you just phase any contact with the family out of your lives? Your ds can still be friendly with her ds at school but leave it there. Keep the relationship with the woman on a professional level and have as little to do with her possible.

Life's too short to let people like that bother you. Move on and good riddance.

[a7mints]

Op-It is nothing you or your DS has done.The woman is thoughtless at best, a bitch at worst.Just rise above it.It is tempting to tackle her or the school about it, but I think it is impossible to do so without looking like a psycho-mother.

[GoldFishFingerz]

She isn't excluding him - she doesn't have to invite him to the party. You and your son are choosing to take offence and I feel you are making the situation worse by catastrosising.

It's rather silly to question her ability to work with children. It's your child's feelings that need help, not her professionalism.

[Coolmammy]

Harsh words, Goldfishfingerz.

Don't know how a 9 year old could take "offence". And his feelings don't need "help" thank you.

I don't know what you mean by "catastrosising". Please explain.

This has been going on for 3 years now, I've ignored it and encouraged my son to do the same. He has not taken "offence" as you put it because I've always told him it's me she doesn't like. It is hurtful, but he does bounce back. He has other friends and lots of interests.
I've not said anything to this lady and I've continued to invite her son to my son's gatherings. I don't think I have done anything wrong.

I've come on Mumsnet seeking advice and opinions on the subject because the situation has become more complicated since she started at his school. Given the circumstances, he does not like seeing her every day, and has openly questioned why she speaks to him at school and says hello to him more than the other boys, when she does not invite him to her house.

I wanted to know how other Mum's would feel in my situation and how they would respond.

I've had a really great response and I'm grateful to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

[mrz]

"I am just concerned about the way she has treated my son, that she has repeatedly hurt his feelings by excluding him, surely a teacher should know better?"

I am just concerned about the way she has treated my son, that she has repeatedly hurt his feelings by excluding him, surely an adult should know better?**

[Fairenuff]

'he does not like seeing her every day, and has openly questioned why she speaks to him at school and says hello to him more than the other boys, when she does not invite him to her house'

It is possible to be friendly to someone without inviting them to your house. She is under no obligation to invite anyone and she hasn't excluded your ds; he just didn't get an invitation when some of his mutual friends did.

I don't see that it's that hard to understand or cope with tbh

[user789653241]

I think teachers to the children are not just "adult".
They are the people children look up to as a role models. They are the people parents hand their children with trust.
Now I know teachers are just normal people like us, but when I was a child, I always used to think any teachers are people who deserved most respect. I still have that feeling now as an adult. So it makes me sad that the teacher like OP describes even exists.

[mrz]

But the invite is from X's mum not from Mrs Teacher. Teachers are allowed separate lives away from school.

[Coolmammy]

Fairenuff, this posting has become very long now and I don't expect you to have read all of it. I have explained that it's not a one off invitation, it has been numerous, regular gatherings over a 3 year period which all the boys in my son's group of friends have been invited to, but not my son. He is left out every time.

The point i was trying to make and I admit I didn't explain it very well is she gives my son more attention than the other boys she invites when they're at school, yet excludes him from any social gatherings outside of school. If she doesn't like him enough to invite him along with the rest of the group, I don't understand why she is more friendly with him at school than she is with the others.

I wasn't saying you have to invite people to your house just because you've been friendly to them!

[user789653241]

I got a feeling she is covering her back? She excludes him outside school, but she pretends to be nice to him at school.
As a lot of pp says, what she does outside of school has nothing to do with school, but if she does that at school, she will be in trouble.

[mrz]

No in school she is being professional.