Teacher excluding my son from social events

[Coolmammy]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need some advice regarding a problem we're having with my son's friend's mother who also happens to be a teacher at their school.

My son is part of a group of friends at school. One of the boys' mother appears to dislike my son even though my son and her son get on really well.
When I have parties I have always included every boy and never left one out. However, this mother has repeatedly invited all the other boys and left my son out every time. Every time she has done this, he has been deeply upset. She is also a teacher at my son's school.

This week, she threw a Back to school party and again invited all the other boys in the group apart from my son.
My son wasn't looking forward to going back to school but now he is saying he doesn't want to go at all.

He is quiet boy and lacks confidence and I am worried that this will really affect his self esteem.
I am also worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son.
The other boys have noticed that my son is never invited to her house and i am worried they will start to exclude him as well.

I am not aware of any conflict between the boys. They are both laid back and appear to get on really well. I have asked my son if they have ever had a falling out but he assures me they haven't. They are both 9.

To make things worse, she also invites my son's best friend.

It feels like she is trying to push my son out of the group.

I would appreciate it if someone could offer me some advice? I am at a loss of what to do about it. I feel like speaking to the school about the situation but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do as it may make matters worse.

[Coolmammy]

Irvineoneohone, I hadn't thought of that and you could well be right. My son is quite observant and I really don't think he would say she was more friendly with him than the other kids at school if she wasn't.

He gets his hopes up that because she is so nice to him in school, she will include him in the next gathering, she doesn't of course, and he is disappointed all over again.

[user789653241]

But mrz, do you honestly think if she is a "professional" , she would exclude one child from friendship group every time?

Would you exclude a child from friendship group because you don't like his mum? or you don't like him? I don't think you would, because I know you are a professional teacher.

[mrz]

I wouldn't exclude a child but that has nothing to do with me being a teacher.
I know lots of adults who do exclude children (often because of the child's parents/s not because of the child). My own children have been exclude and as a parent it's natural to feel angry on their behalf but that is entirely separate to how well they do their job. If the teacher "excluded" the OPs child in school that wouldn't be professional.

[FruitCider]

I'm going to disagree with the majority here (not that this will come as any surprise) and try and explain why the best I can in my tired state.

Teaching is a profession, and with that come responsibilities. There is a power imbalance in your non- friendship with this teacher due to her being a teacher at your sons school. There is also a large conflict of interest. She may be using her position of power to exclude your child from his circle of friends. This actually does read as a form of bullying to me.

Professionals have a duty to uphold the reputation of their profession in their professional and personal lives. As there is a large conflict of interests, a power imbalance, and the regular attempt to exclude your son from his friends, I would be having an informal chat with the head to sound them out about it.

[mrz]

Is she excluding him from his circle of fiends or just not inviting him to her home?

[OhMyWord16]

Agree with Fruitcider

[user789653241]

"Is she excluding him from his circle of fiends or just not inviting him to her home?"

I don't think it really matter either way, since end results are the same.
OP's ds is regularly excluded from circle of friends' social gathering.

[Coolmammy]

Fruitcider, you've hit the nail on the head.

As I said in my original post, I am worried that because she is a teacher at the same school she is in a position to influence the other parents and children against my son. There is a power imbalance between us now that wasn't there before and I definitely do feel like she is trying to push my son out of this group of friends. I am actually frightened he will end up losing all his friends. I guess that is the real reason I started the thread.

I know for an absolute fact she is trying to manipulate her son's friendship group because she has said things to me in the past about other children.

[mrz]

You can't insist parents invite your child into their home ...it's their personal life nothing to do with school unless she excludes him in school and she certainly isn't doing that.

[FruitCider]

Wow I think people agreeing with me is a first for MN!

[Fairenuff]

She isn't excluding him from his circle of friends because he can see any of them any time he wants, just not when they are at her house.

Do you invite the same group of friends to yours OP and if so, do they all come?

[user789653241]

mrz, can't we never see you without teacher hat on?

FruitCider, I don't think I never replied to you before, but what you said is spot on with what I was thinking.

[Coolmammy]

As I have stated many times Fairenuff, when my son has parties the whole group is invited and yes, they all come. No one is left out, ever.
If I felt strongly that I didn't want a child coming, then I would rather not hold the event at all.

[Zippydoodah]

Me too. If it were just a mum. I would be different. I think it is quite disgusting that it's a teacher doing this. I don't think she should be socialising with any of the parents at the school. It's asking for trouble - especially when it is very regular and one is being actively excluded

[GoldFishFingerz]

Why are you frightened he is being pushed out of his friendship group? Do you really believe he will loose all his friends? Seems an over reaction. Non attendance of a few parties will make no difference to friendships. You can always offset your concerns by inviting other kids round to play with your son. Build his friendships up out of school and at your house.

I think it's normal for parents to have preferences about the kids their children play with - it doesn't mean they dislike other kids. i also certainly have a tendency to organise play dates with parents I particularly like - making arrangements is more fluid/easy.

I'm with mrz on this. You can't insist a teacher invites your child to party's.

Party's for older kids are less inclusive by nature. Thats fine.

[HaloHoney]

Could she be utterly mortified about something she feels she's done to offend you? So rather than you being the problem, it's her own mortification about something you may not even have noticed? Just a thought.

[Coolmammy]

"I'm with Mrz on this. You can't insist a teacher invites your kid to parties"

Where have I said I have insisted or I am going to insist that my son be invited to a teachers house/parties?

I've already said that I haven't said anything about it to anyone apart from my husband and close family. I haven't even discussed it with friends.

[FruitCider]

That's what I was trying to say Zippy, she certainly should not be socialising with parents and children that she comes into contact with on a professional basis. That is how the conflict of interest has raised.

[mrz]

But that's exactly what you seem to be doing OP. What outcome do you want if not for your son to be included in these invitations?

Zippy the OP said this parent excluded her son before she became a teacher so presumably she was friendly with the other mums before she became a teacher do you really think she should cut off longstanding friendships because of her job? I'm sure teachers don't have to take a vow of isolation!

[Coolmammy]

Mrz, no, that is not what I'm doing. You couldn't be more wrong. As I have written numerous times, I have not said or done anything about the situation. I am asking how other mothers would feel and how would they would deal with it.

I think you are looking at it from a personal point of view because you are a teacher and you wouldn't want a child in your home that you dont want to be there.

My son is not going to be included in these invitations no matter what I may or may not do. I would never in a million years "insist" my child be invited somewhere. I would never leave my child with someone who has behaved like this towards him either.

If anything, I am considering moving my son to a different school as I don't want him to be subjected to any more of this.

[Genevieva]

Well I am a teacher and I think her dual status is hugely relevant. It doesn't matter how nice she is to your son at school, she is excluding him in a way that causes him immense upset and has the potential to damage his confidence and his friendships with others. It is not appropriate for teachers to propagate 'in' and 'out' groups. It shows a complete lack of understanding of her pastoral responsibilities.

From what you have written it is clear that you are not hoping that your son's friend invites him round on a frequent basis, or that you might come too and have a cuppa in her kitchen while they have a playdate. You are just hoping that she manages her son's birthday and other celebrations in a way that doesn't make your son feel left out. She could do this either by inviting him and holding the party away from home (if you coming to her house is an issue - weird, but this woman clearly is weird for forcing her friendship preferences on her son). Or she could do something extravagant with 1 or 2 guests, but she isn't - she is inviting all your son's friends, but not your son. If it my child was in your son's shoes I would go straight to the Head teacher and explain that, despite your best efforts, this woman (mother and teacher) continues to behave in a way that is causing your son anxiety. It is a form of bullying and, in this instance there is no separation of her role as mother and teacher, because she is choosing to bully a child at her school.

If that doesn't work, I am sad to say it might be time to give her a taste of her own medicine. Arrange a series of fun activities for your son and his friends (minus teacher's son). Tell your son he can tell the boy that you would love to invite him, but you can't because his Mum keeps excluding your son. See how long it takes before something changes...

[GoldFishFingerz]

Fruit - parents and teachers do socialise sometimes. Some have been good friends or neighbours for years before kids were born or teaching course completed. It's not an issue usually.

[mouldycheesefan]

Would you really change schools because one child doesn't invite your son to their party?
What is there is a friend at new school who doesn't invite him do you change again?
Could you ask one of the other mums what this mum's issue with you is?

[GoldFishFingerz]

I think you are over reacting and have blown things up in your mind. The teacher is not subjecting your child to anything. You would be rather silly to move a child that is otherwise happy to a different school - its just your son who needs support to work his way though his feelings about not attending parties. It is normal not to attend every school friends party. It's just part of life.

[GoldFishFingerz]

If it's such a big thing to you, then talk to the lady.