Head told me to go make complaint at Ofsted it wont help me

[RP1979]

I just need to vent to into the black hole that is the internet...
Short story, my YR1 daughter came home this week touching her vaginal area, and when I asked why she keeps touching there, she said it hurts from where a boy in her class touched her there!! My stomach dropped and I tried to get as much detail as possible.
This boy is known by other mothers as he has been caught laying on other boys and trying to kiss them or stick his tongue in their mouth. He is also incidentally a really big boy and others can't fight him off.

So off to the Head we went the following morning. All sounded promising, action plan was drawn up etc. Then it fell flat when her class teacher told me after school she spoke to him and he denies it and the poor boy was very upset. The whole conversation left me feeling she didn't believe my daughter even though my daughter told her too in a conversation that he touched her.
All this btw while my daughter is standing next to me. So on the way home she asked me if her teacher didn't believe her and why wouldn't she believe her? What do you say to that??

I held it all in as we had a follow up meeting with the Head the following day. Unfortunately hubby had to go into work but thought as it was an update meeting I could handle it. How wrong was he. The head started by telling me had a word with the teacher and it seems very difficult to say if it did happen or not. I was speechless! Then furious! Told him I believe my daughter and why would a 5yr old girl make this up!? I was livid and then (probably wrongly) said I would go to Ofsted to complain- (ha what a mistake) he looked me in the eye and said, "don't threaten me, you can go to Ofsted, (then gave a laugh!) and added "I will even give you the number and the name you can talk to" ?!!?! Do we really have no power or control as parents. Is governing bodies just a box ticking exercise to give us a false sense of empowerment?? Unfortunately I was so surprised by his comment that I didn't think on my feet and said "well yes give it to me then"

I do wish my husband was present, would he have said that to me with him present in that tone?
This a supposedly 'good' school in an affluent borough... Or is that the exact reason why he can be so cocky?

Is there anything we can do or is it just a bitter pill that I will have to swallow and carry on.

On the upsetting event he said he spoke to the parent and the incident will be recorded. The teachers will talk to the children in the year group.
That is that.

If we had money I would have loved to put her in a private school.
What is the process of trying to move your child to a different school? Although around here they all seem to have long waiting lists.
Im just feeling let down by how they deal with parents...

OP you said the child is know to other parents. Do you know if any have reported incidents to the head/teacher?

Well lets put it this way. My daughter has been in tears tonight when we talked to her and told her not to play with the boy in question during breaktimes, and to stay away from him. She said that she tried but he keep following her around and 'fight' with her. He keep hugging her and try to kiss her or touch her 'boobies'! This all in the days since the teacher had a talk with him. She looked worried and when I asked her why did she not tell the teacher she cried even more and said she doesnt know why she keep not telling the teacher?! She was so upset. Then came out with the pearl "but what if they dont believe me? Do you promise mommy if I tell them that they will believe me?" She is overwhelmed!

My heart is in pieces tonight. I feel like I failed my daughter by being 'nice' about the situation to the HT. I should have done more to tell him its unaccetable to not believe my daughter. I should have tried to find out about all the appropriate bodies beforehand. I should have taken her to our GP and not think I will be doing more harm to take her for an examination! But I didnt and Im sitting here regretting it all, with her sad eyes burning into mine.

What do I want to see tomorrow? I want him to be apalled that this can be happening to my daughter in his supervised playgrounds. I want him to apologise and get my daughter help in restoring her faith and trust in her teachers. I want him to put extra supervision on that boy, to make sure he leaves my daughter alone. I want them to keep him away from her. I want him to stop touching and hurting my daughter. I want her innocence to prevail in all of this.

Right now she is not feeling safe and is overwhelmed. I am sorry but with all this pain I cant feel anything for the boy doing this to her. I just want him to stop and for the school not to turn a blind eye to protect their precious reputation!

It all remain to be seen tomorrow morning.

Don't distracted by regrets etc. your child is too important.

Have you been able to find out about the appropriate bodies yet? You got some advice to contact the "safeguarding body" for your LA. Have you done that?

Have you written everything down? Get a special notebook for the purpose.

I think those with expertise will want you to be reassuring your child that you believe her.

How comfortable are you with formal written processes? Do you need your husband with you/do you need to hand in a letter before the meeting begins?

I think the NSPCC helpline might help you find the LA safeguarding authority if you are struggling and don't want to tell us your area.

Here it is for North Yorks
www.northyorks.gov.uk/article/24304/Child-protection

Can you keep your DD off school at the moment, OP? I think I would be inclined to, and let HT know exactly why. I would also be writing to the Governers to explain why too. I would be contacting the MASH team and I would also be going to the GP to get DD checked over and ask if there's any appropriate counselling available for her after what's happened.

Absolutely horrible, I would try to make peace with the HT hen follow the complaints procedure to the letter, make a complaint about the teacher who handled it badly in front of DD.

I would contact social service about it and they may inform the police, a child that age cannot be prosecuted anyway but they can look closely at the family he has learned this behaviour somewhere. Social services can also help you look after your DD and help her understand whats happened, also advising next steps as this is a horrible thing to happen and then be told someone doesn't believe her - it is a terrible precedent to set!

I really hope she is OK and would certainly look to moving her but for the time being play the game to get it sorted with as little upset.

It is a safeguarding issue so Ofsted have a right to investigate but they require you to go through the full complaints first. Make sure you have a witness to all meetings like DH and follow up in writing anything said in a meeting or on a phone call.

I contacted ofsted and found them and the LEA quite unhelpful and very supportive of the school when my child was being bullied certainly not how I imagined it and I really don't know what rights parents have any more. I feel unless you go the the press nothing gets sorted and schools do what they want but I wouldn't want to drag my child through that. I just removed my child and homeschooled till we got another place which was hard but I couldn't have him not be safe.

Big hugs to your DD x x

I am in complete agreement with spanner. My DD would not be going back to school until something effective was being done. She must be terrified, poor lamb.
The Police would have been involved by now for a sexual assault on a child. The school is not doing it's job.
Your concern is obviously your DD. The school need to be doing what is appropriate for the boy.

Hope it goes OK today OP

This boy's behaviour definitely indicates he is also at risk. I'm sorry but it does sound like he is either being exposed to this sort of behaviour, or is on the receiving end of it himself. The fact that the school have not even realised this does not reflect well on them. They should have reported this matter to social services themselves, as it is quite clear that his behaviour is not 'normal' for a five/six year old. I actually think you should report this to ofsted as the school are failing to protect both your daughter and the boy in question. It sounds like the staff need more safeguarding training to recognise the sexual abuse indicators. I disagree with those who've said they won't be interested.

I'm so sorry your poor daughter is going through this. The head teacher sounds very rude and disrespectful so I think I'd definitely be looking at moving her if I was you.

I think reporting the incident to SS should be your first move. Explain your concerns about this boy's behaviour. I personally would also go to ofsted but I understand you may not want to rock the boat whilst your daughter is still there. If you do go to ofsted, explain your concerns about the lack of safeguarding in the school.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/healthy-sexual-behaviour-children-young-people/

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse/signs-symptoms-effects/

I would: report it to Social services and ask for help for your daughter; and advice on how to proceed.
I would not send her to school until she was safe.
I probably would take her to the GP

What concerns me the most in this sad situation is that there are so many differences of opinion about what should happen. Evenfrom people who clearly have some knowledge of safeguarding there have been differences of opinion about the way forward.
That to me is frightening. Have we as parents, the school and all associated with education not learnt anything from all the previous national disasters around abject safeguarding of children. The fundamental failure in practically every one of these past failures has been a lack of consistency and a lack of passing on knowledge of the child concerned. From where I am sitting and reading all these posts I just cringe that we are still making the same mistakes.
The school have handled this very badly, either deliberately or by a complete lack of sensible communication with the parents. There is absolutely no question in my mind that this is an instance where the relevant information should be being passed onto the LADO or whatever any LA wishes to call that person. That person is there to evaluate, pass on or instigate appropriate action. None of us know what has or has not been reported by the school or anybody else both about the poor girl involved here and the boy.
OP please report this to the LADO and allow them to decide how and if this should be taken further. I would have no hesitation is saying that they would certainly, from my limited knowledge of such issues, take this further.

Phone the NSPCC - they won't give the conflicting advice that people on this thread are giving...

It should be quite clear on the schools' safeguarding policy regarding who a parent (or indeed anyone) can contact. There should be no debate. It will not be the Police, and neither should it be. It should be the LADO or equivalent. No-one knows what action the school may already be taking, or indeed, social services. I do think the boy's behaviour should be investigated and so should the action of the school,if they have not taken appropriate action to supervise this boy. Please remember that he is also very young. He possibly has a great deal of problems in his life and he needs help. It woud be very sad if the school had done nothing becuase they would be falling down in their duty to ALL their children.

Admission is right. The very fact that there are acronyms flying around and (slight) disagreement between folk who have expert knowledge show we have a problem.

There needs to be a national helpline for non professionals

I hope the OP updates the thread as it has made me sad.

From Keeping children safe in education:

Allegations of abuse made against other children
44. Governing bodies and proprietors should also ensure that there are procedures in place to handle allegations against other children.

I would ask the HT to see a copy of the school's policy covering this aspect. See if he has followed it with regard to your DD's report (not with regard to the other child who has a right to confidentiality).

I have to agree with others that I would be looking at removing your DD from a school that has chosen not to believe & undermine a 5 yr old where there is a pattern of behaviour. The HT sets a tone for a school and this reeks of poor management.

Sorry if this has been suggested but maybe a call to the nspcc would be helpful?

How are you OP? Did you get anything sorted today is your DD OK? Bee thinking about you today x x

Your poor DD
Of course school have handled this badly, and lots of people on here know the proper procedures better than I. Sous s like the school is lacking any idea that a child should feel believed and their views respected.

I must say I'm shocked at the attitude for other posters (not you OP) towards a five year old boy who quite obviously needs support himself- big time - never mind the comments about him being 'below the age of criminal responsibility' - he's below the age that he even knows in the slightest what hes doing or why. This is a small child who obviously needs support. Please stop demonising him.

What I'm trying to say is as someone else has pointed out - the school is failing both children here.

What concerns me the most in this sad situation is that there are so many differences of opinion about what should happen

I was on a safeguarding course for a voluntary organisation recently where several of the participants had already been trained for their normal work, including some teachers. We were presented with some situations and asked what we would do. I was horrified to find that I was the only person on the course (apart from the trainer, obviously) who felt that that one of the situations described needed immediate action. After some discussion the trainer revealed what I had already guessed - the case study wasn't a fictional situation at all. It was Victoria Climbie. To be honest, I was amazed that no-one else recognised the case.

Good heavens, prh47 that is very worrying. As I said earlier though, school safeguarding policies vary. This is why the OP must read hers! This is also why advice here might differ slightly regarding who to contact and the name if who to contact.

I live in an Authhority where Children's Services for vulnerable children has been judged, by Ofsted, as Inadquate in most areas of the inspection. The follow up report by an external consultant has found huge problems with the Authorities' plans to improve the service and they had to personally contact the Police to explain the importance of them attending the vital strategic meetings that were being held. The police were not interested. There are huge shortages of social workers, there are too few senior social workers, and the workload is overwhelming. The Authority ignored all the warnings that this was an on-going crisis for several years, cut the budgets repeatedly and, even after all the evidence, was arguing that Ofsted was wrong. We are a leafy shire. It is highly likely that this school does not know what it is doing! It may have reported the incident, and others, but maybe has not had an adequate response. It probably would not here! This authority still has dangerous levels of cases per social worker. Although we know what should happen do not assume it will.

My dds wouldnt be going back to that school until the teachers took it seriously, i have had an issue like this regarding inappropriate touching from an older boy who has some serious issues. I couldn't care less about him just my DD and the effect it was having on her, hes not my responsability my child is.

Take her out of school, the school are letting this go on and shes scared. Move school's if you can, seriously it's not worth fighting for them to do something, in my case they done nothing as his hard life was more important than my DD's

Sorry, haven't RTFT, but our school's safeguarding policy states that inappropriately sexualised behaviour could be an indicator of sexual abuse. The school should therefore be making a safeguarding referral in relation to the boy who did this.

In terms of stating in front of your DD that they didn't believe her - . I suppose you could try to use the incident as the basis for a discussion with her about privates, always to tell mummy or daddy, praise her for letting you know, telling her you believe her etc. Stuff I'm sure you have already done.

I would make a complaint to the board of governors, and ask what steps they propose to take to safeguard your DD.

As others have said it is highly likely this boy is being exposed to sexual activity or is being abused.

The heads response was awful. Very insensitive and unprofessional.

I would follow the advice regarding LADO. They will certainly know the correct procedure. And presumably are independent of the head and the school.

I would follow a previous posters advice regarding questioning about their reporting procedure and writing down all responses.

I hope your dd is ok.