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Primary education

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Original poster

Head told me to go make complaint at Ofsted it wont help me

187 replies

RP1979 · 17/04/2015 10:43

I just need to vent to into the black hole that is the internet...
Short story, my YR1 daughter came home this week touching her vaginal area, and when I asked why she keeps touching there, she said it hurts from where a boy in her class touched her there!! My stomach dropped and I tried to get as much detail as possible.
This boy is known by other mothers as he has been caught laying on other boys and trying to kiss them or stick his tongue in their mouth. He is also incidentally a really big boy and others can't fight him off.

So off to the Head we went the following morning. All sounded promising, action plan was drawn up etc. Then it fell flat when her class teacher told me after school she spoke to him and he denies it and the poor boy was very upset. The whole conversation left me feeling she didn't believe my daughter even though my daughter told her too in a conversation that he touched her.
All this btw while my daughter is standing next to me. So on the way home she asked me if her teacher didn't believe her and why wouldn't she believe her? What do you say to that??

I held it all in as we had a follow up meeting with the Head the following day. Unfortunately hubby had to go into work but thought as it was an update meeting I could handle it. How wrong was he. The head started by telling me had a word with the teacher and it seems very difficult to say if it did happen or not. I was speechless! Then furious! Told him I believe my daughter and why would a 5yr old girl make this up!? I was livid and then (probably wrongly) said I would go to Ofsted to complain- (ha what a mistake) he looked me in the eye and said, "don't threaten me, you can go to Ofsted, (then gave a laugh!) and added "I will even give you the number and the name you can talk to" ?!!?! Do we really have no power or control as parents. Is governing bodies just a box ticking exercise to give us a false sense of empowerment?? Unfortunately I was so surprised by his comment that I didn't think on my feet and said "well yes give it to me then"

I do wish my husband was present, would he have said that to me with him present in that tone?
This a supposedly 'good' school in an affluent borough... Or is that the exact reason why he can be so cocky?

Is there anything we can do or is it just a bitter pill that I will have to swallow and carry on.

On the upsetting event he said he spoke to the parent and the incident will be recorded. The teachers will talk to the children in the year group.
That is that.

If we had money I would have loved to put her in a private school.
What is the process of trying to move your child to a different school? Although around here they all seem to have long waiting lists.
Im just feeling let down by how they deal with parents...

OP posts:
KittyandTeal · 18/04/2015 10:07

Teenandtween's advice is spot on.

mrz · 18/04/2015 10:11

It's nothing to do with "jobsworth" it's about understanding and keeping every child safe. Excluding a five year old as you seemed to think was appropriate puts that child at even more risk.
The school needs to act but they need to act appropriately and not with an attempt to win popular favour from those who automatically blame the child.

insancerre · 18/04/2015 10:12

Op, I am shocked at how this has been handled by the school
They should nor be questioning the boy at all
They should be reporting it to ss and let them investigate
I am a safeguarding officer for a nursery and I'm concerned that the head is more concerned about his and the school's reputation than the welfare of the children in his care
Please report this incident to your local safeguarding children's board
I would also speak to the school about what they are doing to safeguard your child
I was involved in a case where 2 preschoolers were being abused by an older brother. There was a lot of fallout and the older child was placed into care.
His mother threatened to burn the nursery down. But at least those girls are not being sexually abused anymore.
What really saddens me about your case is that your daughter feels that the grown ups she trusts don't believe her. I would consider getting some professional help for your dd
You can't just let it go
Good luck

insancerre · 18/04/2015 10:14

I also agree with mrz, this boy needs help too

SuburbanRhonda · 18/04/2015 10:31

The LADO must be contacted within one working day in respect of all cases in which it is alleged that a person who works with children has:

- behaved in a way that has harmed, or may have harmed a child;
- possibly committed a criminal offence against or related to a child; or
- behaved towards a child or children in a way that indicates they may pose a risk of harm to children.

I don't think the LADO is the right person to contact here, OP.

CtrlAltDelicious · 18/04/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CtrlAltDelicious · 18/04/2015 11:37

You know what, sorry for posting that, OP. I was unhappy at the idea of the Mail trawling the site (which they certainly do) and using your thread for a story, but I will as MN to remove it.

calico3 · 18/04/2015 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 18/04/2015 13:12

Crikey, that story is similar.

Original poster
RP1979 · 18/04/2015 18:14

I keep updating our notes with all the suggestions from everyone. And thank you for helping me feel that Im not crazy for thinking this should have been handled in a more serious tone. I keep getting so angry when I think his answer to it all was that it didn't happen.
We are going back on Monday to request another meeting. Since then my daughter also informed me that the boy was showing his private part in the toilet on the same day after the teacher spoke to both if them!
Why are boys and girls going to the same toilet? She said he wasn't 'following the rules' as he was impatient to wait for the boys toilet. Apparently he was joking around showing it around while she washed her hands. What is it going to be next? He clearly needs extra supervision to which Im sure the head is probably going to recite lack of resources!

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 18:28

Oh OP, we still giggle at the time when a classmate of my daughter's, when they were in reception, came out of the toilet and showed her his willy and said "what do you think of this?". They head walked past at the very minute and got very cross with him.

I heard nothing about it from the school although dd gave me a very vivid description along the lines of "mummy, Sam did xxxx and said xxxx and Mrs xxxx came along and he got so told off.

The following afternoon I mentioned to her teacher that Sam had made quite an impact on her and she just said "oh I know, Mrs xxx walked past and we talked about it. I wondered whether to talk to you about it and decided not to unless you raised because she's got a big brother and it can't have been too much of a shock". I responded, no, "I think she enjoyed the drama" or something along those lines.

The school handled it appropriately, no lasting damage or indeed any damage was done, and she seems to have reached 16 fairly safely and with a level head.

I appreciate "Sam" was not the same as this poor lad but don't you think a bit of perspective needs to be observed. It was a willy - all boys have one, they aren't special and girls shouldn't be brought up to think they are a massive issue - should they? Except for being reminded of what is appropriate where and that there's always one who doesn't understand the boundaries and that generally all you need to do is laugh and tell them to put it away.

BigRedBall · 18/04/2015 18:38

beaufort have you even read the OP? The same boy touched the op's daughter inappropriately and hurt her. That is different from just showing his penis. The boy is obviously disturbed and needs help. He's hurting other children with his behaviour and he needs to be stopped/helped, as do the other innocent children.

rabbitstew · 18/04/2015 18:41

BeaufortBelle - I think there is a difference between a boy who shows a girl his willy once and a boy who sticks his tongue into other peoples' mouths, touches a girl in the vaginal area vigorously enough to make it hurt and also happens to spend his time in girls' toilets showing them his willy.

rabbitstew · 18/04/2015 18:49

BeaufortBelle - also perhaps worth considering how you would have felt if, actually, your dd had come home saying a boy had touched her between her legs where her knickers were and hurt her, and shown her his willy, and that it had upset her... and then when you went into school, the school said they didn't believe her...

BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 18:54

Yes, I am aware. Please read the full thread and my responses to the OP and my concerns about this little boy who is very likely to be suffering abuse himself.

I have said very clearly up thread that it shouldn't have happened and is unacceptable. I have also said that the OP's little girl will be OK because she is clearly loved, safe and well looked after. That is probably not the case for this little boy.

I do apologise - there may have been posts since this morning when I was posting to provde further clarification about what was said originally.

Pud2 · 19/04/2015 16:16

I think you speak a lot of sense BeaufortBelle, in Your previous posts. It's important to go back to the head and get some reassurance that your daughter will be safe in school. As far as the little boy is concerned, you will have to hope that the school is taking appropriate safegaurding action but they won't be able to discuss this with you. If you continue to be concerned you can contact MASH (Multi Agency Safegaurding Hub) in your area and they will contact the school to check that correct procedures are being followed. The LADO is not the right course of action here as no offence has been committed by a member of staff.

Pipbin · 19/04/2015 17:01

A serious question here. What would posters like to see the school do in a situation like this?
What should happen to this boy?

Ocho · 19/04/2015 17:09

I would expect the head to ensure any safeguarding issues are reported to the appropriate professionals and that steps are taken to ensure the safety of all children.

Pipbin · 19/04/2015 17:16

that steps are taken to ensure the safety of all children.
What steps though?

Ocho · 19/04/2015 17:20

the exact steps would depend on whatever the safeguarding investigation found Pipbin.

Pud2 · 19/04/2015 17:25

The school would keep logs of any incidents that cause concern. They would then decide whether to refer to S Services. The boy's parents would be involved at each stage.

Pipbin · 19/04/2015 17:39

I'm not being goady, honestly. I would like to know what would make a parent happy and feel that their child was safe in this situation.
The problem I can see is that this boy may well be suffering abuse at home so he needs to feel loved and cared for at school and certainly not like he is being punished. His behaviour will still continue like this though, certainly for the short term at least. So should he be removed from the playground?

Pud2 · 19/04/2015 17:42

The school would need to take appropriate measures. This may include giving him alternative provision at play times, or putting additional supervision in for this child. Hard to say without knowing the full picture.

Charis1 · 19/04/2015 18:44

I am another vote for going to the police. This is miles outside of the jurisdiction of a school. There is going to be some touching and investigating between young children, that is inevitable, but we are not talking about an innocent touch here, this little girl was HURT, and was still in pain some hours later. Even taking the sexual aspect of the incident out, a child who is still in pain HOURS after an incident of bullying in school is a reason to call the police.

ljny · 19/04/2015 19:05

I would like to know what would make a parent happy and feel that their child was safe in this situation.

First, safeguard my child. Ensure that neither she nor any other child is alone with this boy. This may require extra adult supervision, or changes to play or lunchtime arrangements - whatever it takes. Safequarding is paramount.

Second, take it seriously. They don't need to punish the boy, they just need to ensure it never happens again. I don't care what resources they use or where they pull them from. With much sympathy for the strains schools are operating under - and I'm a huge believer in academic achievement - but seriously, whatever it takes, basic safequarding comes first.

Third, get help for this little boy. Either approach his family or, if that's the source of the problem, social services. I appreciate the confidentiality rules which prevent the school from details to the victim's family (although I've heard of schools letting such parents know "we are pursuing it", if not in so many words).

In short:

  • protect my child
  • take the complaint seriously
  • get help for the little boy (I don't need to know details)