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Original poster

Sensitive middle class child in rough state primary, can this ever work?

195 replies

indiemummy · 22/10/2006 14:34

What do you think? Going private is not an option for us. DS in local state primary. Teachers & atmosphere lovely, even a swimming pool in school. Oftsted pretty cr*p, 75% don't have English as first language. I thought that with support at home, DS could get the most out of the school. Was totally confident about sending him there...

...However, in reality he's totally left out. The other kids screech and scream all the time, and discuss power rangers, mcdonalds, different tv programmes etc. DS doesn't know what power rangers or mcdonalds ARE, and rarely watches tv. so he just plays on his own at school. He's only in nursery class but we had planned to keep him there as we liked the school and it is our nearest school, 5 mins walk (any other would be 20 mins walk or a bus ride - we don't drive)... Tbh think other schools near us will be similar.

Feel so bad for him - will he make friends eventually? Don't mean to sound like a snob. Not saying we are great parents or anything! More like the opposite! I just want DS to fit in and make friends but not sure if this is possible (or if I want him to change...??) All these 4 yrs of feeding him organic, omega-3, reading with him, he has a whole library of books at home... and now I wish I hadn't bothered so he could fit in and not be left out at school!!

Anyone with any experience of anything like this??? Thank you thank you! Just a bit confused! xxx

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Original poster
indiemummy · 23/10/2006 21:20

Oops sorry didn't mean to start class war!

Thanks for all the help, advice and support, some great ideas like get involved in school life, wait and see how he gets on, etc etc.

(sandyballs i did say that i definitely do NOT consider myself or my family in any way better than anyone else, at this school or at any other school, honestly... but of course you are entitled to think whatever you want!)

OK have to get off this computer now (it's taken me ages to read this and catch up) as it's DP's and he has to do some work. You people are scary!

Indiemummy Xx

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 23/10/2006 22:21

no no no!

don't be scared!!!! haven't you read the (numerous) posts that say how lovely you sound.

murphee

TheDaVinciCod · 24/10/2006 11:21

agree with droppy a LOT
it gives you a whoel new perspective

brennan · 24/10/2006 12:52

Indiemummy,does your ds have any friends in the neighbourhood where you live?If he does what school/s do they go to?

brennan · 24/10/2006 12:52

Indiemummy,does your ds have any friends in the neighbourhood where you live?If he does what school/s do they go to?

Bozza · 24/10/2006 13:26

I agree with whoever said he sounds like a slightly, sheltered first born. My DS has always mixed with a lot of other children otherwise he would be like that too. He has never watched power rangers at home, but has watched it at friends, has been bought various power rangers figures for birthdays etc, dressed up in his friend's power rangers costume etc. He has been to McDonalds with some friends even though we never take him - made a bit of a scene though by wanting a fish sandwich in a happy meal box.

Is your DS unhappy? Or is it just you that is worried? Is he reluctant to go to school? I think he is maybe slow to socialise (as scummymummy mentioned) and as long as you encourage friendships etc it should be OK.

One more point - start and end of day, at swimming etc the children are likely to be letting off steam and more boistorous than at other times of day.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 24/10/2006 13:45

"The other kids screech and scream all the time, and discuss power rangers, mcdonalds, different tv programmes etc."

Sounds like any other school playground to me.

FioFio · 24/10/2006 13:49

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Greensleeves · 24/10/2006 13:50
FioFio · 24/10/2006 13:51

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WelshBoris · 24/10/2006 13:53

Your son sounds fab indiemummy, and so do you

Long hair on boys is great, my future SILs have long hair

brennan · 24/10/2006 14:12

Indiemummy,you seem surprised that some feel there is a class issue to be addressed re your thread.The use of the word middle class when describing your son is probably part of problem ,he is a little boy who is finding school a little daunting ,but school in theory should prepare us for dealing with people from all backgrounds creeds and colours. Maybe you should try and be more positive and less judgemental.

Original poster
indiemummy · 24/10/2006 14:23

hi, i'm back, bit embarrassed now, really this is just me worrying over nothing. Ds is fine, he really looks forward to going and likes to play on his own, he comes home happily telling me how he plays in the sandpit etc. It's just heartbreaking for me thinking about him playing on his own. BUT it's early days and I am convinced he will be fine.

He has some friends but they all live about 20 mins away and are either 6 months older or younger than he is, some go to day nurseries, pt or ft, so all at different stages. A couple will be going to Catholic schools with good Ofsted reports. At least one will be sent to private prep sch. We don't know any other families with kids at this school or any other local school. I have tried to make more local friends (for him and for me), I may even have made one this morning at storytime at the library (yay!).

Bozza you're totally right about him being a sheltered first-born. I guess he will learn about all this stuff at school in time, if he wants to. If this has taught me anything it's that everyone is different, and I should trust my own instincts. He'll be ok.

thanks again for all the nice comments! Indiemummy xxx

OP posts:
imaginaryfriend · 24/10/2006 14:36

Indiemummy I've only skimmed sonme of the replies and don't know anything about Power Rangers so no opinions on them but it seems to me from what you've said that we fall into in a similar kind of 'classlessness' as you sound to be - dp and I have Phds, I don't work now but he lectures so only has a low income, we live in an inner London council flat - are we working class or middle class? It all baffles me.

I honestly don't think anywhere else I've ever lived has 'tough' schools in the way that London does - you have to experience it to believe it. Dd is 4 and I've had a real struggle to find a school I could send her to with any sense of peace of mind for myself. We have a very difficult school on our doorstep which is threatened with closure by next summer because of failing to meet the changes listed as essential on the last report. But it's been only just hanging in there for a long while. The other school belongs to a part of our council estate that is predominantly white 'working class' with a massive racism problem - the NF base a lot of their meetings in the local pubs there and even being Jewish (like I am - I look Jewish too and often get comments) leaves me uncomfortable. Considering this is a culturally diverse area in general the fact that the school is 85% white British shows how reluctant families from other ethnic backgrounds are to send their kids there.

Like you we can't go private and I don't actually want to because I'd like to support the state system. So far I've got dd into a school 30 mins walk away for the nursery time and am basically praying she gets a place for Reception although competition for it is tough because even though it's not the greatest school in the world, it's friendly. Or rather, it's not scary. If she doesn't get in I'll have to consider home ed. which I don't really want to, nothing against it, just not something I've wanted to get into, plus dd's an only child and definitely benefits from the social side of school.

All of which to say, sorry for ranting, I really recognise your dilemma. You're not snobbish at all, you're just wanting the values that matter to you and which are familiar to your ds to be respected and taken into account as he goes into education.

imaginaryfriend · 24/10/2006 14:37

Sorry, clashed posts with you. Gotta run now but will check back later. Don't be embarrassed. Class is impossible to fathom and a very sensitive issue which always gets people's backs up!

brennan · 24/10/2006 14:42

If your child has a solid ,secure,happy home life he will cope no matter what.You want what is best for your child ,give him a good grounding and he will be fine.

fartmeistergeneral · 24/10/2006 15:56

At the end of the day, your ds is only 4, and is only just beginning to get to the age of making friends. Please believe me that the fact that he has not made any special friends yet is because he is so young, not that the other 4 year olds are talking in depth about power rangers/mcdonalds and he can't join in!!! My ds used to hate football (but loves it now) and I've overheard him winging it in conversations about football when he obviously hasn't a clue. Can you imagine the level of conversation of 4 year olds?? All they will be saying is 'I love power rangers'!!!

My ds2 is 5 1/2 and is only just starting to make what I would describe as proper 'friends'. Although, he'll come home and say 'I spoke to so and so today, he's my friend' and it will come out that all they said to each other was 'are you going on the climbing frame?' 'yes'.

4 is also quite young to have an interest like pr etc.

The fact that he's been raised on organic food will mean nothing when he's in the middle of a frantic game of TIG!!!!

Please don't worry.

Post back here if he's 12 and has no friends!!!!

joelallie · 24/10/2006 18:17

"It's just heartbreaking for me thinking about him playing on his own."

I know, I know...beleive me I know! Isn't it just the most frightening thing about your child starting school? Not that they can't do the work. Not that the teachers will beat them . Not that they'll be constantly sent to the head. But that they'll be sad and lonely? The playground seems like such a jungle from the outside. My imagination was working overtime when my 2 started. BUT it is almost certainly only heartbreaking for you. He is, as you now know, is almost certainly absolutely fine. Glad that you are feeling happier.

Murphee · 24/10/2006 19:54

Brennan, how is describing a child as middle class part of the problem? I'm not being sarcastic - I don't get it.

brennan · 24/10/2006 20:16

It's labelling which is not a good thing.

Murphee · 24/10/2006 21:13

What about exercising judgment? I am 40 and weigh 14st. I may not like being judged as fat and middle aged but it IS reality. I think we all have the right to describe ourselves and our families as we see fit. Some labels are necessary and common sense.

Greensleeves · 24/10/2006 21:16

Labelling is the basis of all language IMO. All nouns are labels - we have to have shared labels to communicate things to each other. Presumably by using the label "middle-class" Indiemummy is using a form of shorthand to communicate various fairly well-understood social characteristics. I think most of us knew what she meant and didn't take offence. Moreover I can't see that attacking her semantically is helping her, her child or anyone else.

Murphee · 24/10/2006 21:21

Greensleeves, I always feel so inarticulate on MN. I wish I could have put it like that. I bow to you.

Piffle · 24/10/2006 21:22

Indie mum
Sensitive children tend to facy difficulties wherever they go
My ds went to rough but small special measures state primary
Middle Class large high ranked state primary
And catholic small school
He is now at grammar school.
No matter which school he was in he has faced the inevitable calls to toughen up.
Boys in general are physical, my ds was not physical. He has been badly bullied.
At grammar school things are better but not by that much tbh he is square peg in round hole it seems but at least now he has learned to slot in as and when he needs to.

Bozza · 24/10/2006 21:24

indiemum you are just like all other mums. When they go to school you have to let go to a degree and it is really hard. I say this as a Mum who sent her DS to nursery 3 days a week from when he was a baby. So probably much harder for SAHMs, but even so at nursery I felt I had more say over things than I do now that he is at school. So I worry about him socialising well, being bullied, being a bully, getting behind etc etc.

My main concern is that DS is not a very physically confident child. He is not learning to swim despite two years of lessons and his peers are splashing around in the deep end, he won't take the stabilisers off his bike, he had to have coaching from us to learn how to skip etc. So I worry that he won't be able to join in with his friends, will get mocked for it and so on.

Similar "Mum reaction" to slightly different issue.