Sensitive middle class child in rough state primary, can this ever work?

[indiemummy]

What do you think? Going private is not an option for us. DS in local state primary. Teachers & atmosphere lovely, even a swimming pool in school. Oftsted pretty cr*p, 75% don't have English as first language. I thought that with support at home, DS could get the most out of the school. Was totally confident about sending him there...

...However, in reality he's totally left out. The other kids screech and scream all the time, and discuss power rangers, mcdonalds, different tv programmes etc. DS doesn't know what power rangers or mcdonalds ARE, and rarely watches tv. so he just plays on his own at school. He's only in nursery class but we had planned to keep him there as we liked the school and it is our nearest school, 5 mins walk (any other would be 20 mins walk or a bus ride - we don't drive)... Tbh think other schools near us will be similar.

Feel so bad for him - will he make friends eventually? Don't mean to sound like a snob. Not saying we are great parents or anything! More like the opposite! I just want DS to fit in and make friends but not sure if this is possible (or if I want him to change...??) All these 4 yrs of feeding him organic, omega-3, reading with him, he has a whole library of books at home... and now I wish I hadn't bothered so he could fit in and not be left out at school!!

Anyone with any experience of anything like this??? Thank you thank you! Just a bit confused! xxx

Indie mum you are not a snob. Simply your home culture is clashing with the majority one at school. Children like to be with other children like themselves. My son has had a rough time, now in year 6, being in a inner city class with only a couple of other middle class boys. All the other boys are into trainers, computer games and football which he hates (Despite his father being massive footie fan). So he s been bullied, sat alone in playground, really heartbroken at time....

Luckily an excellent head has addressed the actual physical bullying, but can do nothing of course about the casual name calling and the fact he is ostracised.

If I d known, at beginning of year 3, what future had in store, I d have taken him out of school then. I d have even considered going private. Although all this has made him more resilient.

I d advise you to work out who his friends are if any and really try to shore up those friendships. Try to make sure he makes friends out of school - at swimming or cubs. Lots of playdates and sleepovers. Just having one great mate who understands him and shares his tastes has helped my ds a great deal.

Also I d visit other schools and look at their reports, try to see if a nearbyish school has more kids like your own.

Thanks DullWitch. What kind of secondary school is your ds going to attend? Xx

I think if you and your ds are both unhappy about school then you should try to change. The big problem which I also have to deal with, is - if you move him can you be sure he will be hapier. Maybe he is just the sort of child who will be quiet whereever you send him.
My ds is in the same situation, he is very sensitive and goes to an "inner city" school in class 3, where all his class mates are rude, very cheeky and left to roam the streets after school seemingly till dark and beyond. Even though they are all like that , they seem to like ds and his teachers all adore him (probably because he is the only one who isn't cheeky and loud) but he works hard too. I think this experience will do him good anyway and teach him to be able to deal and interact with all types of people. If I moved him now I am not sure if he would be able to settle into a new class, seeing as he has been in the one he is in for 1 year.

We are looking at state and private. The decent state school has 3,000 applicants for 200 places. The nearest one is a rufty tufty school. I just couldn t bear a repetition of last few years but with bigger kids and nastier violence. I just want the remainder of his schooldays to be happy. So I wouldn't be surprised if we decide to go private, despite every principle I hold dear.

Oh admylin I don't like the sound of year 3s roaming the streets! Your ds sounds like he's getting on ok where he is.

Dullwitch good luck with the application for the good state school. Don't abandon your principles! Hang in there! Xx

My dad didn't speak English as a first language.

He didn't speak English at all until primary school, and never in the home.

Yes he seems to be getting on alright but it is hard work because he relies on me and his sister alot, he should have a friend of his age really - but I can't connect to any of his class - mine are allowed in our garden to play after homework (we live in the centre of Berlin) and sometimes a child from dd's class (2nd year) turns up, climbs in through the back fence to play and eventually goes away again in the opposite direction to where he lives. I'm just wondering the whole time - what on earth are his parents thinking? None of the kids do their homework, again the parents don't seem to bother. I would say the school is trying it's best but what can they do if the parents aren't cooperating.

If they're on the streets till dark, I suppose they don't have time to do homework! Would have thought German schools would be very strict about homework

I don't know what I would do in your situation but I just wanted to say I can see where you are coming from.

They should be, but they don't seem to get anywhere with writing notes to parents, detention, they (the pupils) just don't care. Imagine this scene: Class 3 teacher comes to school in jeans and a short jumper, one of the girls in the class stands in front of her and says "miss, you have to lose weight , your fat stomach is hanging over your jeans", I would never have dared speak like that to a teacher and I have taught mine total respect as well but the teacher just said "oh, do you think so" and went on with unpacking her bag. There are often fights too between a few of the boys, all have black eyes or bruises but nothing seems to happen. At least ds is learning when to keep himself away from trouble I suppose! Dd has a slightly better class with a minority of misbehavers.

i knew youd be interested itn hsi dully

TYou might like this article in today's Sunday Times - school, 69% had English as second language.
www.timesonline.co.uk/newspaper/0,,2766-2415280,00.html

The family therefore had to find God.

ALl those things you describe, little or no TV, no Macdonalds, books etc - that's just what many parents at private schools follow so you've got him used to an environment you can't afford to educate him in. In the article the family have to move areas.

um, the language issue was not a problem for me. My children were being picked on becuase they were in an ethnic minority.

"you've got him used to an environment you can't afford to educate him in" I know, I know, Xenia, but - but - but [spluttering] isn't this just so WRONG??? And we can't be the only ones, surely?

we're nice people, we want the very best for our son, we just don't have that much money!

Well done on finding the article, it was v funny. (Of course dp and i would never buy the times, far too white, middle class tory !)Xx

Um, my DS loves Power rangers even though he has never seen it - and goes to a very middle class COE school where they are all very boisterous. Love of superheroes is a phase which lots of boys go through, not a class condition!

I think you sound lovely too indiemummy - certainly not snobbish or precious. I can imagine similar issues coming up for us when ds goes to school (not for a good while yet, he's 17mo). I don't think it's snobbish to dislike McD etc. etc. (we don't even have a TV - so shoot us).

Our primary school has lots of fairly average income middle class parents. Teachers, social workers, arty folks etc. Lots of folks without tvs and carrying organic lunchboxes. My son has just been unlucky with his particular class. My younger one has a bigger group of bourgeois boys to choose from and he s more of a regular kid anyway.

Indiemummy, I think it was your talk of class that made me bristle initially.
I buy organic food, my children enjoy books, we NEVER go to McDonalds, etc, etc. BUT we are skint.
My ds1 and ds2 (7 and nearly 5) are very keen on superheroes but also know a lot about wildlife. Sometimes they run around and scream but not all the time. Children do need to be noisy sometimes.
My dd1 is very academic, spends most of her time reading and barely watches television but would feel out of place with a bunch of little dahlings discussing the labels on their clothes.
You cannot judge people by completely irrelevant, outdated class systems.
As for the "power rangers" issues - investigate other super heroes which are less hideous, if he is interested.

Hi tooticky, you made me laugh! I understand why you bristled! Sorry! Our kids are probably quite similar, we are really not posh. The opposite in fact. Have nothing at all against Power Rangers, it's just that we have never come across them in our household so I was worried ds would feel left out when the other kids are talking about them. Superheroes are great. I really just felt a bit sorry for ds, as though i had not prepared him properly - but maybe it's just because he's the eldest child in our house, and doesn't know any older boys (only a couple of older girls). Probably lots of the kids in his class have older brothers or sisters.

Now have lots to think about (and will think v carefully before starting another conversation on here!) thank you. Xx

no its sensible to educate your children in the pitfalls of fat food - that fast food isn't a diet - but a treat.

however i fail to see the snobbery around popular culture per se.

theres nothing wrong with Power rangers IMO - and most children who have not got a psychiatric condition will realise that its fictional.

my son is 17 and watched power rangers when they first came on. i didn't even think they still existed! all three children used to play power rangers - with my dd always being pink power ranger even though she didn't want to be! no-one kicked the shit out of each other, no one was hurt - and i have not raised any mass murderers.

so in the vein of the many over sensitive threads there are at the moment - i think the rhetoric used in this thread is bloody awful to be frank.

i dont believe thomas is too old. but is there something more MC about thomas?

its ok to rad enid blyton but not smash hits?

its cultural snobbery - and you realise your child is being left out becuase of it.

yes there is such a thing as too much tv. all things in moderation.

to be honest if my sensitive child would integrate better at school - i wold be off buying a dvd player and the power ranger series from 1996.

there are some things i dont understand.

like the reference to clothes - a drug dealer at 4? with all due respect greenseaves thats blummin awful language to use regarding popular fashion.

of course one doesnt allow their child to dictate what is fashionable at 4,5,6, but certainly by junior school age there is something wonderful about seeing your childs individuality.

really, some perspective is needed - is letting your "sensitive" child watch power rangers going to damage him - or your sensibilities?

stop using your child as a middle class beacon of somekind of higher orality and help him enjoy his one and only childhood for gods sake

*morality

if it's any help, my DS1 was in nursery about 2 terms before he really started talking about any friends he had made and stuff

I don't knowe what the other children (or him in fact) were like at nurdery, because I wasn't there with him. I really am not sure how you would know what the other children were doing "all the time" - presumably they must have story time, singing time etc like any other nursery class.

nurdery?

sorry for typos!!!

You don't have to watch Power Rangers to be one. Ds started Nursery at 3 yo and then began an interest in Power Rangers as all the boys that interested him played the game. Had he been a quieter lad this stuff may have passed him by. Up until then he had been a cbeebies babe - Bob the Builder et al.

Tommy - yes lots of help. DS only started this term so I probably shouldn't be worrying about him not making friends just yet!