Sensitive middle class child in rough state primary, can this ever work?

[indiemummy]

What do you think? Going private is not an option for us. DS in local state primary. Teachers & atmosphere lovely, even a swimming pool in school. Oftsted pretty cr*p, 75% don't have English as first language. I thought that with support at home, DS could get the most out of the school. Was totally confident about sending him there...

...However, in reality he's totally left out. The other kids screech and scream all the time, and discuss power rangers, mcdonalds, different tv programmes etc. DS doesn't know what power rangers or mcdonalds ARE, and rarely watches tv. so he just plays on his own at school. He's only in nursery class but we had planned to keep him there as we liked the school and it is our nearest school, 5 mins walk (any other would be 20 mins walk or a bus ride - we don't drive)... Tbh think other schools near us will be similar.

Feel so bad for him - will he make friends eventually? Don't mean to sound like a snob. Not saying we are great parents or anything! More like the opposite! I just want DS to fit in and make friends but not sure if this is possible (or if I want him to change...??) All these 4 yrs of feeding him organic, omega-3, reading with him, he has a whole library of books at home... and now I wish I hadn't bothered so he could fit in and not be left out at school!!

Anyone with any experience of anything like this??? Thank you thank you! Just a bit confused! xxx

yes thread title doesn't reflect what i really meant at all!!! i'm with you... just meant that he seems quite sensitive.

Whenever I've been there - when he was settling in, when I go to help with swimming or something, when I drop off and collect him, that's when all the other children seem to be screaming.

Not worried about 75% figure as the EAL kids can communicate fine in English.

Surprised people think I'm weird!!! Hope haven't offended!

Oh and he's only in nursery and can write his name etc, I know Thomas is a bit babyish but give him a break!

Other local options similar to this school but further away - the thing is, I'm young and not very well off and refused to pretend to be religious to get into Catholic school which is where all the (real) middle class people round here send their kids. On principle. Guess this sounds silly now though!

im not getting into this thread....

I agree with cod about the language issues and everything else she has said.

If he asked for a power ranger toy or whatever I'd get him one, but he doesn't seem interested in joining in with the others - he's happy just to play on his own. I suppose I just worry about him being left out. I'd rather he made friends. But I guess he is still young and there's plenty of time.

Didn't mean to start a riot!

Indiemummy ~ don't apologise. You have genuine concerns and have just as much right as anyone else to post.

I am a snob and there are certain children that I don't particularly want mine to play with. If they swear or whatever and I think as a mum that's fine to feel that way.

Indiemummy, Im wondering if you live on our council estate!
Is the school uniform dark green and grey by any chance??

BTW, we did remove our sensitive, middle class children in the situation that you describe....it is not ideal, but I felt that none of the other children, parents or even teachers were people I wanted my children to copy.

What I don't like is when people that label themselves "middle class".

yes definitely malory thank you very much! and blossom! was feeling like i needed some support there! Xx

I was being a little bit sarcastic blossom, actually. My children arent particularly sensitive either. But the ethos at this school was frankly appalling.

Poor + middle class dosen't equate to me. Personally I hate all the class stuff. Probably because I would come under working but there you go!

OTH I was similar to your DS at school. Didn't have cool toys etc and got teased and bullied a fair bit too. We didn't have much money (my mum was a single parent family to start with) and the last thing on my mum's list of priorities was the latest/toy trainers. I was sensitive too. However I hope DS will fit in at school a little better than I did. I would do more than my DM did to try and enable him to do this. Fitting in is not important to her. Fitting in at school is often important for kids IMO.

Schoko, there's no uniform. In a way I'm glad we don't have the option to remove DS (unless we move house or find another state school within travelling distance).

Are we middle class? Yes and no is the honest answer! I was poor but sent to a private girls' school on a scholarship. Went to university then worked in fashion for a bit. Then had ds when I was 23. SAHM. Love it. Pg with number 2 now. Live with my partner, he earns 25K pa. We bought our flat through Notting Hill Housing Trust (housing association). Never claimed benefits of any kind. So - no idea about the whole class thing! For what it's worth I hate the middle-class people round here and would never class myself as one of them. The middle class mums never seemed to accept me as I was always way too young and scruffy. (Oops sorry for the autobiography) anyway that's the context in which i put 'middle class' x

A good school is one of the most important factors in a child's upbringing IMO and I would be prepared to put up with more than a 20 minute walk to ensure that dc went to a school I was happy with. After a certain point the social conditioning your dc receive at school at least balances if not outweighs what you do at home. If it is the wrong school for you and ds, I think you should change.

We have a good 30 minute walk to school. For the school we have, I would also have been prepared to put up with a 40 minute journey by car if need be. A good school is the A and O if you ask me. It does matter to me what the other kids are like and what the general tone of social interaction is at school. It's every bit as important as the academic side IMO

Indie mummy ~ you sound lovely

No, don't let him go to the state school, he might mix with distressingly working class children like mine.

Colditz

There's good and bad working class though - I'm working class with children who attend the local state primary. There are some undesirables there though and if they increase we'll move and take our cockney accents to another area

its not that colditz, for me it was the low expectations by everyone concerned with the school. Obviously I wasnt concerned by my children meeting working class children or I wouldnt have sent them to the kindergarten there in the first place. The reality wasnt acceptable though.

I actively want ds to mix with children of all backgrounds (that includes class, faith, culture etc etc) and hate the way private schools seem to be so white and middle-class. Which is why we chose the school we did. But now we're having to face up to the fact that ds IS more sensitive than the other kids, because of the way we have brought him up.

Thank you so much for all your comments, lots to think about, eg how far is reasonable to travel. Maybe I will start to look around, there is still time for him to start at reception at another sch though tbh if he toughens up & makes some friends I think this school could work for us in long run. Thank you all! Xx

indiemummy - phew!
even being in a "good" area isnt a guarantee that the children will be interested in anything more stimulating than computer games apparently.

If you suspect that he is not fitting in, then question him specifically, things like "Who did you talk to today?" "Who did you play with at break" etc, and maybe you can get some idea if he is scared of anyone in particular.

I can see your point indiemummy, I'm worried my ds will get ploughed under when he goes to school too. He wouldn't know a Power Ranger if it jumped out of his breakfast. Which I am pleased about, because I think they're crap. He still likes Noddy, he has longish hair (as opposed to the ubiquitous crew cut), and he doesn't wear 'trendy' clothes because I don't want him to look like an urban drug-dealer, a skateboarder or a squaddie. He's 4, ffs.

On the other hand I want him to go to our local school, because it's a lovely school, the teachers are great, I loathe private education and I happen to know there are some great kids from his nursery going there. It's what you might call a "good social mix". I don't particularly want him to turn into a mincing preocious Latin-spouting posh brat either. So some sort of happy medium is what we're hoping for - I certainly wouldn't send him to a rough, struggling sink school just to avoid accusations of snobbery.

So if indiemummy's a snob, so am I.

ok I'll stop being sarcastic and give some proper input.

I was a white, middle class child at a very rough state primary. I was very very sensitive, but over time became less so, because of the way things were.

it gave me a little more resiliance than I might otherwise have had. It made me a little less prissy and precious. I can talk to other working class peple without them really wanting to kick my head in because I haven't a clue what they have to deal with on a day to day basis, which a lot of middle class people don't. It also made be bloody grateful for what I had/have, because so many have so little.

I think I have ended up slighty MC, slightly WC, but mostly I have a chip on each shoulder. Does it show

I have an incredibly sensitive ds at a humongous state school and they manage him very well. The playground can get a bit feisty for him (esp as he's not into Power Rangers etc.) but a few choice playdates in the park with other boys and their mums has helped iron out a few issues.

Don't forget, nursery is very different to reception. There will be different expectations of all the children once they start 'proper' school and you may find that some new people will start. When ds finds the boys too rough, he just goes off and plays with the girls so maybe you could encourage some female friendships!

indiemummy, I don't think that being different from the social make-up of the majority should always be a problem. My dds attend our local village school - the school also serves a US military base nearby and a lot of the people who actually live in the village are snobby about this and send their children to other schools. Nearly 70% of the children (there are 80 in total) are from US military families - a lot of the parents are poor and very young, and many children have behavioural issues for various reasons.
These children have a totally, utterly different background from mine, and they live on a closed-off base which is like a 'little America', only venturing out on the school bus. Their food is different, their toys are different, their culture is alien and they have a funny accent, but it never seems to cause a problem for my children who have many American friends. The school celebrates diversity and has become very used to supporting these children, whilst also doing their best for the handful of local ones they have. My dd1 is doing very well at school, both academically and socially, so I really don't think that it should be a given that things don't work out.
I'm not sure what the solution is in your case - have you had a parents' evening yet and been able to talk this through with your ds's teacher?

geekgrrl, well done to you and your daughters!

Greensleeves, your ds sounds like mine, he still has long hair too. The little hippies! But they look so sweet!

Fox, you're right about reception. A whole load of new children will start and it will all be different. I will hold this thought, that's what I needed someone to remind me...

Schoko - thanks for the tips, I do ask him in detail what he's been doing, and he tells me how he's been playing on his own and what he's been doing. He really enjoys storytime and when they all sing songs but doesn't seem interested in the other children yet, either positively or negatively. He certainly doesn't seem to be feeling left out. It's just me worrying over nothing probably!

And Colditz your story makes me more inclined to keep DS where he is. Hope he turns out as well balanced as you!!! I mean it too! With enough support from us I think he'll be ok. Phew, I need chocolate Xx