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Original poster

Sensitive middle class child in rough state primary, can this ever work?

195 replies

indiemummy · 22/10/2006 14:34

What do you think? Going private is not an option for us. DS in local state primary. Teachers & atmosphere lovely, even a swimming pool in school. Oftsted pretty cr*p, 75% don't have English as first language. I thought that with support at home, DS could get the most out of the school. Was totally confident about sending him there...

...However, in reality he's totally left out. The other kids screech and scream all the time, and discuss power rangers, mcdonalds, different tv programmes etc. DS doesn't know what power rangers or mcdonalds ARE, and rarely watches tv. so he just plays on his own at school. He's only in nursery class but we had planned to keep him there as we liked the school and it is our nearest school, 5 mins walk (any other would be 20 mins walk or a bus ride - we don't drive)... Tbh think other schools near us will be similar.

Feel so bad for him - will he make friends eventually? Don't mean to sound like a snob. Not saying we are great parents or anything! More like the opposite! I just want DS to fit in and make friends but not sure if this is possible (or if I want him to change...??) All these 4 yrs of feeding him organic, omega-3, reading with him, he has a whole library of books at home... and now I wish I hadn't bothered so he could fit in and not be left out at school!!

Anyone with any experience of anything like this??? Thank you thank you! Just a bit confused! xxx

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jajas · 23/10/2006 00:29

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expatinscotland · 23/10/2006 09:30

MY principles are just that.

My children, on the other hand, may have ones radically different to mine.

And that's part of parenting, to realise and respect that in them when necessary.

I refuse to let MY principles ruin their childhood, FWIW.

foulmoonfiend · 23/10/2006 09:50

Indiemummy - have a smilar dilemma facing usover secondary school
Just wanted to wish you and your son good luck!

Socci · 23/10/2006 10:03

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 23/10/2006 10:05

I think in the future, we're going to see a lot more home-educated young people.

fartmeistergeneral · 23/10/2006 10:20

didn't realise that power rangers were working class heroes!!

Issymum · 23/10/2006 10:25

Indiemummy: When posters (like me) come on to MNet whittering about whether to chose a private v state, selective v non-selective, single sex v co-ed school for their child, the hoary old posters (like Cod) normally respond with one weary voice: Just choose the school that best fits your child. Everything else is irrelevant.

I think that this thread has got side-tracked into a bit of meaningless class war. I don't think it matters which paper the other parents read, or how much tv their kids watch or whether power-rangers is the current playground must-have, the only thing that matters is whether your son will be happy and secure at the school and whether you think it will help him meet his potential. I think that's more about your gut-feel, your perception of the headteacher, the atmosphere in the classroom (serene or happy chaos?), the ethos of the school (not necessarily the families that attend it). If you have any doubts that this school isn't a good fit for your son, then investigate alternatives.

DD1 goes to a tiny, poncey, serene, rule-bound, not too academic, Catholic prep school. It drives me demented on several levels and I have very little in common with most parents there, but it is the right school for her. It was a good choice.

Socci · 23/10/2006 10:26

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sandyballs · 23/10/2006 10:47

Indiemum, do you actually know any of these so called "working class" parents or children, have you made any effort to get to know them?

I just struggle to see how organic food, omega 3, no Mcdonalds and no TV automatically means a better type of person/family . It really isn't that simple. Just because someone is wearing a shell suit and drops a few 'aitches doesn't been they are scum or somehow inferior. What a sad thread.

FioFio · 23/10/2006 10:50

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expatinscotland · 23/10/2006 10:58

Bottom line is, the kid is NOT coping well in the school.

So, regardless of the circumstances, it's time for a change.

soapbox · 23/10/2006 11:01

Just before this descends into a full blown 'class' row, I would like to point out that this thread is as inaccurate about the supposed MCs as it is about the WCs.

My children go to a private school, where there is a majority of what you might call MCs. Power rangers, Maccy Ds and non-organic food abound there! Hell, I've even seen fruit shoots at parties and enormous platters of sausage rolls

By all means be the kind of parent that you wish to be, but please don't try and hang it all on a desire to be viewed as more MC than the next person!

I think there is something wonderful about the kind of parent who is prepared to sacrifice a little of their own principles in order to equip their child with the tools to be able to socially integrate at school. If he is happy not to join in then that is fine - if he wants to, but doesn't know how to - then I think you need to find out what will help him do so. If that be the odd episode of power rangers or the odd Maccy D - then so be it!

Being able to relate to people is what I would certainly wish for my children - irrespective of what 'class' those people might come from!

SCARErenity · 23/10/2006 11:10

I have to say that the 'no power rangers/watching Thomas' thing doesn't sound middle class to me, it just sounds 'only/eldest child' tbh. At 4 DS1 hadn't heard of the Power Rangers, and was still in the grip of complete Thomas obssession, but that had nothing to do with class. That was due to the fact that it was just him and me at home - I didn't watch PR so I'm hardly likely to have thought to put it on for him! He picked it all up at school (not particulary rough, faith school with very large proportion of english-as-a-second-language children). Comsquently DS2 would have been one of those children at Nursery who would have run around being the (pink ) Ranger, and DD (who isn't even 3 yet) can run around in the park doing it and scandalise all the parents there

I think your DS sounds like a typical, slightly sheltered first born to me. DS1 was exactly the same, and I worried constantly about him until I realised that if he was happy to do his own thing then what was the problem? He's now in Yr 4, and although he still isn't one of the overtly popular children, he is liked - by girls as well as boys, and I'm far happier with that than if he was ringleader, or just a sheep.

ScummyMummy · 23/10/2006 11:30

How long has he been in the school? Takes lots of kids a while to settle in, ime.

And if you have one of those lovely, slightly immature, oddbod, square peg boys (not wildly sociable, not begging for trainers as soon as he notes they are the garb of choice, TtTE love at 4 yrs- these are can be square peg signs, imo) a place that lets them happily be their square peg selves and doesn't start trying to hammer them into round holes often works fantastically well. Schools that serve the whole community and have children with diverse and varied needs are often extremely good at this, ime. If I were you I'd buy him a power ranger, adjust his clothes to look as like the other boys' as you can without gagging, invite a couple of the other kids round to yours every now and then and sit back and watch him for a while. He may well settle better than you think.

joelallie · 23/10/2006 12:06

It's very early days. I worried about my DD for the first term as she always played on her own. The teacher commented that DD was quite amenable to playing with other children if they approached her but wouldn't make the first move. She wasn't unhappy just a but shy. She is now in Yr 3 and has many friends. I really wouldn't worry too much just yet - give it to at least the end of the term, probably longer. It's horrible to think that they are lonely but he probably isn't.

I think that you sounds quite similar to us - we are a very booky family, the children listen to more classical music than anything else, we go for long walks at the weekends and search for wood ants and look for insects in rotten logs etc . I'm an archaeologist by training and the children are fascinated by all that. OK, many of the children at their school do not have the same background but it isn't a barrier to them being friends - I have been a bit taken aback by the enthusiasm that my children have shown for Pokemon cards, PS2 and cr*p pop music (sorry - showing my prejudices ) but their other interests are still there underneath. I am delighted that they have both areas now and it's always amusing to take one of DS#1's littel urban PS-2 addicted mates out to the woods for a long walk and see how they relish every muddy, grubby, rooting-around-in-dead-leaves minute of it

Wait a while and see how it develops. Also parents evening might shed some light.

joelallie · 23/10/2006 12:08

Sorry Indiemummy - you didn't actually say he was unhappy did you? is he?

MadamePlatypus · 23/10/2006 12:28

Indiemummy, I can see why you are a little bit worried. Nobody likes to think of their child as left out - I think the main point of your post is you just want your DS to fit in and make friends, but how far do you move out of what is your own way of doing things in order to encourage him to fit in. I don't think you sound precious at all - I can't see myself taking DS (age 3) to McDonald's or sitting him down in front of Power Rangers anytime soon (unless he asks - and without any older siblings or friends who know about these things why would he ask?). As we are not at that stage yet, can't really give you any advice, but just remember that nursery isn't the be all and end all of everything. If he isn't unhappy, you have time to see if the situation changes. Don't know if this makes sense, but if he isn't pestering you for power rangers now he might just be the kind of person who isn't overly influenced by peer pressure - this might mean that he isn't king of the playground, but may be a very positive quality in later life.

Greensleeves · 23/10/2006 14:52

lol @ power rangers being working class heroes.

It wasn't Indiemummy (or me) who turned this thread into a class war.

turniphead · 23/10/2006 14:53

Has this thread turned into a war?

Well! I'm shocked!

TheDaVinciCod · 23/10/2006 17:29

hoary old posters?

Murphee · 23/10/2006 20:01

I've been scouting around for a few days and really had started to think MN was getting boring - now my faith has been restored. Indie -you have every right to your views, I agree with them, don't be swayed. Spider - I love you too.
For the record (and let judgment commence)I come from East End poverty, have slogged my guts out to get out of the ghetto, have earned the right to middle class status and don't have a single relative (living or dead) wouldn't urge you to take your child out and send him to a school that would give him a leg up in life rather than treat him as an outsider. Anyone who wants a fight - I'll see you by the gates at chucking out time.

Murphee · 23/10/2006 20:03

So worked up - should have read 'don't have a single relative who would not urge you' etc.

drosophila · 23/10/2006 20:16

My son goes to a school that is 39% non english speaking, about the same % get free school meals and 85% come from a minority ethnic group (DS included).
There is a lot of power ranger talk in the playground and despite DS never having seen it (he tends to watch Cbeebies) he still would talk non stop about them and play weird games with the other kids. DS is very academic and this is catered for well in his class. I have no idea how they manage it with so many kids who don't speak english but they do.

I think that as long as the kid is happy and he is reasonably catered for in the academic dept then I think he would probably benefit from such diversity. If he is not happy and not being catered for then move but don't assume every school with a similar profile is the same.

drosophila · 23/10/2006 20:19

Another thing I would suggest is get involved in the PTA or become a govenor. I feel so much more involved in DS's schooling now that I am involved in the school's sctivities.

snowleopard · 23/10/2006 20:34

indiemummy, I've only skimmed the thread but if it's of any interest this was me at primary school - including the english issue (bradford in the 1970s) as well as the middle-class thing. It did isolate me, I never understood the telly programmes and pop songs other kids talked about, since my parents were raving intellectuals who only played classical music and watched BBC2, and I played on my own a lot. I did get teased for being posh, but not terribly. And I did eventually make friends - individuals here and there, not big groups, but it was fine. Your DS needs to make his way in the world and learn to deal with situations - if he seems OK, isn't being bullied etc, I'd let him get on with it - keep lines of communication open and discuss school so he can let you know if anything upsets him. I also had some lovely teachers who meant a lot to me, there's nothing wrong with that.

You're only being honest about your worries and that's fair enough.