DS1 (5) excluded from school two days in a row

[pinkandsparklytoo]

DS has been in year 1 for just over 2 weeks. Yesterday he was excluded for hitting the teacher. Apparently she had asked him to pack up the train track and he refused. He went on some sort of chair-throwing rampage and hit her in the back a few times tehn kicked her. They called his Recepton teacher in to deal with him and phoned me. He was out of there by 10:20.
Today I missed got a voice mail from teh schol. When I rang them back I found out that they thought he had bitten someone this morning but they couldn't see any marks and let him carry on with the day. However he had then later bitten someone and left a big mark, the headteacher said it was because the other boy wasn't paying attention to the teacher. She also said that my DS had told her that DS2 bites him and that's where he got it from. DS2 is 1 and hasn't bitten him for months. Later on DS told me that they had been playing dinosaurs and he was T. Rex and the other boy was T. Rex prey so he bit him to eat him up.
This week has not gone well for him in general. Tuesday I got told not to pack him fruit strings in his lunch box any more as he refused to eat the other food in it when I did. This is besides him having had them twice already this month and it not being a problem. Wednesday I had a word with the teacher to warn her that some boys had said they were going to cut his hair off (it is shoulder length) and she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off as it is "dangerous". This was due to it becoming tangled in her big beaded necklace when she bent over him. And then the exclusions of the last two days. I don't really know what to do with him. Has anyone got any advice?

OP you could ask your GP to refer you to a developmental paedriatrician. It's possible that there are underlying difficulties.
I agree with the other posters who recommend that you need to meet with the SENCO. School need to identify the triggers that are causing his behaviour before they can put support in place.

I got a copy of the report from the EP when he assessed him over 6 months ago. The reception teacher did ask him about a few other things later on but it was not formalised and given to me in a written format.

did the EP comment on his behaviour at all? Did he observe him in class?

When he was in reception his teacher did a lot of work with him to see how they could manage him at school. I would have thought it would be passed on.

Yes he did. He observed him and asked him questions. I'll see if I can find my copy of the report to take with me when I go in

I think you need to take the advice of other posters who say go to a developmental paed. You need help for your ds that the school is unable to offer and you need to get it sooner rather than later. He behaviour is outside the norm and will continue to get worse unless the right strategies are put in place.

I think sometimes the opposite of bad parenting can be the case ie. parents at home have learned good effective strategies to control the situation at home, a level of routine maintained that keeps the child calm, which is unrealistic to achieve with 29 other children in a classroom.

My friend has a DS with a dx of Aspergers and ADHD, his first year sounds similar to the OP's DS. They changed schools to one more geared up to cope with his needs which helped the situation for a few years.

My feeling is a two prong approach. Try to get more involvement from the Ed Psych and also go and see GP and ask for a referral to the Child Development Centre (or whatever the OP had locally).

The hair seems to be a red herring unless it's a case of not wanting it short as hates change. I feel for you OP, I saw what my friend went through with the first school her DS was at, it came as a big shock as he'd been fine generally at nursery.

The thing is, schools are not always as proactive as they could be about dealing with children with SN. Its not always for a negative reason either. Often they are trying to gently lead the parent into recognising there is a problem. Its massively difficult to get help and diagnosis, which is why they whinging about "hes not got SN hes just naughty!" crew really bug me. Sometimes the child might seem to manage A LOT of the time and they don't particularly want the headache of that a child with SEN or SN will bring to them. Its just how it is. Training and experience of teacher for child with SEN or SN is often woeful as well.

It may be that issues were picked up and he has managed ok up till now so they have not felt they needed to do anything. SO many different reasons why it might fall through the cracks.

Personally I would take him to your GP now and ask for a referral to Developmental Paediatrician. When I went through this with ds there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be able to manage and for the whole thing to go away. Its hard to push it because its just so difficult and distressing a situation. You just want them to be ok.

I recognise the explaining you are doing with regard to his behaviours, its NOT "excusing" it is "explaining" trying to understand and get others to understand that he is not just a naughty child. I recognise that feeling so well. Please do PM me if you want to OP. Its not the end of the world if there are issues but its best to get on top of it asap. The longer he goes being labelled as just a naughty badly brought up child the worse it is for him and your family. You sound pretty switched on to me, you posted here for a start! It may be a developmental issue or it may be something very small that just needs tweaking but it needs to be questioned, no just dismissed as bad parenting and behaviour .

It sounds like there is alot going on.

I agree that getting the reception teacher to talk to him is shortsighted as he may interpret this as a reward. I can understand the school doing it though, they probably hate him to be distressed too.

I think his hair is more likely to be a problem if he is a child that need to be restrained at times over a child that is never really in physical contact with a teacher.

"I think sometimes the opposite of bad parenting can be the case ie. parents at home have learned good effective strategies to control the situation at home, a level of routine maintained that keeps the child calm, which is unrealistic to achieve with 29 other children in a classroom."

Exactly this. I used to be asked "well what do you DO at home with your ds that we could implement here to ease life for him?" Firstly I didn't even know. We had adapted everything so gradually yet so significantly that it was just our NORMAL and secondly the things we do eg give him silence, remove him to a room with a tent in away from all outside stimuli for up to two hours at a time, or just cancel any stressful activity that is making him kick off are just not possible in a school environment.

I feel for you pink because I remember how difficult things were with my own DS in Reception and Y1 and 2.....it was at the end of Y2 they diagnosed autism and a year later ADHD. I am also familiar with the "bad parenting" accusations which are unhelpful and make an already difficult situation worse.

My son is on the higher end of the autistic spectrum so he can talk (the hind leg off of the proverbial donkey) and is affectionate and loving. He is also now achieving average in academic attainment for the first time ever....at 9 though he still has a place he can go to "get away and calm down" which is the finance admin's office.....she keeps a beanbag on there just for DS!
In the classroom he still retreats under the desk if overwhelmed.

Even without the diagnosis though his school were supportive, they put in 15 hours of 1-1 time for him from their own budget...something I will always be grateful for.

I am not saying your DS is autistic or has ADHD, it might simply be a maturity thing but the sensory stuff can be overwhelming for some children, bright lights, a noisy classroom, over sensitive to touch etc. It might be these things are bothering your DS but at his age he cannot verbalise this easily.

Definitley the SENCO needs to be involved to find a way for your DS to stay in school. My DS's school only exclude as a last resort and then they make it three days while they approach the special needs people for support...the whole idea of exclusion should not be punitive...it should be for everyone to have breathing space, take stock and find a way to support the child so exclusion is not needed again.

I hope the SENCO can support you....it's pointless them sending your DS home if they are not going to address the issues which are causing problems. They need to be finding a way for him to access the curriculum.

What do you do at home when you spot the signs things are to much for him or when he lashes out? Perhaps if you sit down with the school and tell them what you do they can try to find a way of implementing similar in the school.

Unfortunatly if the educational psychologist didn't find anything needing a definite diagnosis/statement getting him 1-1 support which would probably help him will be quite hard but is there a TA in the class who could help him more?

If he struggles with the routine perhaps a picture timetable in the classroom would help him?

PINKANDSPARKLY:
As far as I am concerned the school has let him down massively. I have had some similar issues to contend with & I can't believe the contrast in how DC school has dealt with them. And I'm sure DC school is far from exemplary, they haven't done half the stuff suggested here (nor have I).

I am going to PM you if possible.

Dreadful situation. I'm sorry for you. Agree with everyone who says you have to work with the school. You have to show that you are distressed and worried and sorry (on his behalf) about the behaviour. The school needs to put some kind of action in place nnd so forth. But you will all have to be consistent and support them.

The hair is neither here nor there. But his behaviour is extreme. Children usually have stopped biting by primary school. However angry they get, they usually have found other ways of dealing with strong feelings by then.

I'm sure that you and the school can find a way to help him but it has to be clear that the behaviour is 100% unacceptable.

It's unusual for a school to resort to exclusion rather than look for a solution. Does your LEA have a Behavioural Support Service who can support him in class?

The exclusions were inevitable and correct. He attacked people. You can't have a school where children or adults attack other people without consequence. And the consequence has to matter.

Once you get a situation, where parent and child don't care much about exclusions - and that does happen - then it's pretty much over educationally for that child.

But the fact he has (rightly or wrongly) been excluded 4 times in a year means that exclusion doesn't work for him and the school and family need to work closely to get to the bottom of the issues before it escalates.

Exclusion should be a last resort not first.

We don't have enough information to know if this was precipitate exclusion or really last resort, or something in between.

Look, this is not a criticism but I think that saying "he behaves fine at home" is not helpful, actually. What's one person's "fine" is another person's "nightmare." Bit like babies' sleep patterns.

If you're happy enough with things at home, that's great, but if his behaviour/attitude is then translating into non-conforming at school, then you're in for a rough ride ahead - and 3 (or is it 4?) exclusions at this age is really not the norm at all.

Apart from explaining that hitting/biting is not acceptable (and I'm afraid that for some children, that sort of chat/language is like water off a duck's back), what santions do you apply at home if he's done these things at home? When he's been excluded, what does he spend the time at home doing? Because one way or another, the message is not getting through to him that he's behaved badly and needs to STOP DOING IT AGAIN. Whether that's because you're not giving the message strongly enough, or that he has something going on that's preventing him hearing it is what needs investigating.

DC have done things OP mentioned & not been excluded. Other stern measures taken, yes, but exclusion was not the first, last & only response. DC school also provided various forms of pastoral support, especially with a view towards preventing further conflict situations. IEP implemented (& explained to me) as soon as DC excluded. If most schools consistently excluded after one young child hit or bit another then most boys & quite a few girls in this country would have an exclusion on their KS1 record.

I'm not just talking DC, I know a little about some other children at DC school with behaviour issues (one was bullying child of a close friend) & how the school dealt with that. Not perfectly, but still obviously trying to bring out the best in the child. Trying loads of things.

The best OP's school can do is hassle her about her son having shoulder-length hair.

You're right, there are parts of the picture we can't know, but on the face of it,
It's PANTS. OP's school has been utterly pants.

Sorry, meant to say, "what santions do you apply at home if he's done these things at SCHOOL?"

Some behaviour = automatic exclusion. Attacking another person is one of them. Bringing a weapon into school is another. Drugs etc.

It will all be stated out quite clearly in the school handbook but, as a rough rule of thumb, if the behavour breaks a law (not just a school rule) it will be something that means automatic exclusion.

"The best OP's school can do is hassle her about her son having shoulder-length hair."

Have they hassled her? Or mentioned it once? It's been batted around on here quite extensively, and maybe taken on more importance than it required.