DS1 (5) excluded from school two days in a row

[pinkandsparklytoo]

DS has been in year 1 for just over 2 weeks. Yesterday he was excluded for hitting the teacher. Apparently she had asked him to pack up the train track and he refused. He went on some sort of chair-throwing rampage and hit her in the back a few times tehn kicked her. They called his Recepton teacher in to deal with him and phoned me. He was out of there by 10:20.
Today I missed got a voice mail from teh schol. When I rang them back I found out that they thought he had bitten someone this morning but they couldn't see any marks and let him carry on with the day. However he had then later bitten someone and left a big mark, the headteacher said it was because the other boy wasn't paying attention to the teacher. She also said that my DS had told her that DS2 bites him and that's where he got it from. DS2 is 1 and hasn't bitten him for months. Later on DS told me that they had been playing dinosaurs and he was T. Rex and the other boy was T. Rex prey so he bit him to eat him up.
This week has not gone well for him in general. Tuesday I got told not to pack him fruit strings in his lunch box any more as he refused to eat the other food in it when I did. This is besides him having had them twice already this month and it not being a problem. Wednesday I had a word with the teacher to warn her that some boys had said they were going to cut his hair off (it is shoulder length) and she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off as it is "dangerous". This was due to it becoming tangled in her big beaded necklace when she bent over him. And then the exclusions of the last two days. I don't really know what to do with him. Has anyone got any advice?

The initial meeting with the HT went well. I also met the liaison officer and arranged to go back again. She wants to work on getting him to go to bed at a reasonable time every night. However he has been excluded several times since (three times in the past week!) Tomorrow I have another meeting with the headteacher, the SENCO and his reception teacher/behaviour coordinator. We are currently stopping with my PIL's as we are having work done in our flat. The BC thinks this is the cause of his problems the last week or so.

Three exclusions in a week?? Are they part days? If the behaviour co-ordinator thinks the unsettled situation at home is impacting on your DS I don't see how they can possibly think having him in and out of school at random is going to help.

With my cynical head on I would say this school is going through the process of racking up enough temp exclusions to go for a permanent exclusion.

What did HT say? Has a co-ordinated plan of action been put into place by the school? What have they said they will do to help and will there be regular contact between you/them to monitor progress? What about at home too, have any suggestions been made to help you there?

Three more exclusions sounds to me as if the school as using this as their only tool and, understandably, you sound a little worn down by the whole thing (as well as being away from home) so may be finding it difficult to push things on with school and at home. Don't give up though as you really do need to know you're on the way to a resolution one way or another, for all your sakes.

They call them exclusions but really they are excluded for the rest of the day from when the behaviour occurs. I am off to a meeting at 12 today. They have said if whatever they arrange today doesn't work they will have to put him on a PSP which will include half days. If it continues then they will consider a permanent exclusion but the ht doesn't really want to do that.

The school really sounds as if it is failing your son.
For bad behaviour the first response shouldn't be "send the kid home". It could be an internal exclusion, where the child is separated from other children and supervised for the rest of the day. My DD has had this, she was supervised by senior teachers who were not teaching, but TAs or office staff could also be used.

Sending home is not giving the right message, and with a lot of children could be seen as a reward for bad behaviour.

My son is like yours with his behavioural problems in reverse (easy at school, difficult at home) and older.(He's 11)

At your son's age the cause was apparently me and his immaturity but he is now going through the diagnosis process. I discussed how unpublishable he was with dozens of professionals but since ds was very popular with other children and doing well at school the only help I got was parenting courses. I had read classic childcare books like 1-2-3 magic so I didn't learn anything new.

Talking to him about his behaviour at school has been an eye opener. The school had always gushed about his great behaviour at parent's evening. He admits that with ratios of 30+ kids to 2 adults, it is really easy to get away with bad behaviour and that by y6, he was an expert at being naughty enough to be considered cool but not naughty enough to be sent to the head. The school had a 3 strikes system and he proudly told me about getting 2 nearly every day. Even when I talked to the school they denied any problem with his behaviour! The strikes would be for daydreaming, swearing, cheekiness towards adults (not physical) but I'd like to have known. I remember how annoying kids like my son were when I was at school.

I think you've had some excellent advice on this thread. You have to push for help from school and work out where your weaknesses as a parent lie because we can all be better parents. I felt that I was consistent with ds1 and had clear, realistic expectations but things have deteriorated to the point that this is clearly not true. I am hoping that a diagnosis will help me form a plan that will help him cope with the turbulent teen years that are around the corner and help him become happier as he can't be happy living in this cycle.

I think your school sounds terrible. Most schools will use other strategies like internal exclusion before sending kids home which is a reward for most kids.

"They call them exclusions but really they are excluded for the rest of the day from when the behaviour occurs."

Are they writing to you each time, with a reason for the exclusion? Are they recording the exclusion officially?

If not, they are illegally excluding him.

I wouldn't accept a PSP with half-days as a solution to the problem. You need urgent LA input. Are the LA even aware of the situation? Are they involved in the planning for next steps?

They put him on a PSP with immediate effect starting today. He will be doing 9-12 for the next two weeks with it increasing by an hour every fortnight after that. We all know he isn't coping with being there and they hope that doing this will help him enjoy bring at school again.

And if he hits an adult or bites another child? What then?

I don't know other than excluded again. But they are doing half days so he doesn't have the pressure of a full day as they think he is too anxious and that is what is causing the hitting out.

And a statement? Or do they (and you) honestly think that in 6 weeks his anxiety will be resolved??

Have you spoken to parent partnership, in the last couple of days? What do they say?

This sounds to me as if the school is gathering evidence, in order to permanently exclude your son. So you need to take it seriously. He needs an outside professional called in and giving advice, he probably needs some 1 on 1 support, and somewhere to "escape" to if he is over whelmed. They need to have a range of strategies to deal with his behaviour, involving both praise for good behaviour and consequences for bad behaviour (which needs to not be being sent home).

He would also benefit from being seen by a Paediatrician.

If you need legal advice do try to contact someone like SENSOS! who will give you what free advice and help they can.

Other schools would not handle this in this way.

From what you have said the decision to go to half days is a sensible decision. However it is the first decision that the school seem to have made which is remotely around resolving the issues. They are simply not responding to the situation and as mummytime has said there should be a range of strategies bein employed, not send him home as an exclusion.

Have you for every time he is sent home been getting an exclusion letter? If you have not then it is not an official exclusion.

Clearly your son's behaviour is unacceptable but the school should be working towards resolving it not working towards permanently excluding your child.

As several posters have mentioned, it seems that the school is gathering sufficient evidence for a permanent exclusion.

You may want to keep this is mind and consider possible options if this was to happen.

Sorry, meant 'in mind'.

Both the ht and bc have said that they don't want to permanently exclude him. He is excluded because it is school policy so she has to do it if he hits a teacher. The bc told me that if they could just get him to stop hitting they could cope with his other behaviour.

It worries me that their plan seems to be simply excluding him for 2 hours each day.

Can he articulate to you why he is hitting? Are they doing ABC (antecedent, behaviour and consequence) charts to establish a pattern of his behaviour? I.e. could it be demand avoidance?

Are you being referred to a paediatrician, because I'd bet my bottom dollar that your DS has SN, and dealing with this as simply a behavioural matter isn't fair to your DS or you.

Just seen this thread, and your ds sounds so much like one of mine!

I really think the school are letting you down tbh. If my ds had been excluded from primary every time he hit someone he would have missed so much school!

My son is very lively, obsessive, driven, impulsive and unfortunately quite agressive at times. Last year, he really clashed with the teacher, and she couldn't cope with him. Ever week, I was getting called in for something, often twice a week. She was an excellent teacher for my eldest, very strict, and I thought she'd be good for him, but she just couldn't reach him. At home, he is fine, we know how to get responses from him, and he does not misbehave int he same way. He also does better with adults rather than other children.

We also had the whole hair thing. It makes me a bit cross that it is something that is picked up on with boys. If he wants it long, that's his choice! Mine finally agreed to a hair cut a few weeks ago, actually. He is now 7.

Anyway, my oldest son is on the spectrum somewhere, and I don't personally feel these issues are typical of asd. But I recently had to do the connors 3 test for adhd for my eldest as part of his whole diagnostic process, and that REALLY set alarm bells ringing. I am now thinking of requesting it for my youngest. I ran him through it after doing ds1 and he scored very highly in some areas. Your son sounds so similar to mine, I think it might be worth you looking into it.

that should probably read that I don't feel these issues alone are typical of asd, of course, there is an awful lot of overlap between the conditions.

Sorry but the school may have a discipline policy but it is for the head teacher to make a decision over exclusions and one of the criteria is whether there are reasons behind the behaviour. Given the situation you have and the time that they have been in the school, the exclusion is hardly a decision of last resort, which is what the code says it should be.
The head teacher does have to be seen to be consistent so I understand the comment about hitting staff is an exclusion but I again would ask the question have you received written confirmation of each exclusion. If you have not then all that is happening is what is called an illegal exclusion, because that is what it is. No exclusion happens unless there is written confirmation of the exclusion with reasons.

I've just been following the thread and op we are in a very similar position to yours. DS (4) has been having a hard time settling in a school and was asked only to do half-days towards the end of the week as the teachers find his behaviour most tricky then (possibly due to tiredness and long school day). DS has been in trouble so far for biting another child, pushing other children in his class and generally have difficult with sharing. He was also in an incident with a girl over a hula hoop and he hurt her fingers by pulling it off her and is, similar to your ds, very obsessive about trains. Similarly, I saw him trying to bite another child while playing a chasing game (and similar to your DS, it seems he was getting into the character of being a rabbit and trying to bite the other child). His teacher's feel he is very clever (and academically ahead of his class) and are positive that he will eventually learn the rules/boundaries. For example, he has already stopped pushing and being rough with other children in the playground.

We are however extremely concerned and therefore, working with the school in the best ways to help him - which includes talking to him about sharing, reward system at home (he can only watch his favourite show - if he has a good day at school). I also worry that he may end up being excluded from school if this behaviour continues.

I feel though that there are some underlying reasons that can explain his behaviour and if this continues we will probably need to go to the assessment route - I suspect aspergers, but this is mostly from reading on mumsnet.

I would agree with the other posts, that while there could be specific triggers for your ds's behaviour, if he stands out from the rest of his peers, there could be a reason for it and you should definitely speak to your GP to refer you to a developmental paed.

We are adopting a wait and see approach for now - but will definitely be quick to take action (in terms of assessments) if we see no change in his behaviour over the course of next month. However, since he is so young at the moment, I think no paed will give us a diagnosis, as my DS can usually blend in quite well with other children and the bad behaviour only centres around sharing.

Central - in your shoes I would definitely go to the GP and request a referral to a paediatrician. There are a lot of things in your post which sound to me as if it would be a good idea to start the process to get your son assessed. If there is a diagnosable condition it is better to get the diagnosis earlier so you and the school can be better informed on how to help your child.

Yes we are waiting to see if there is any improvement over a month's time - as the school has said they have noticed improvements. If after half-term we don't see any improvements, then we will definitely get a referral and get a private assessment (we don't believe in waiting for nhs referral to come through!) to kick off any therapies / behaviour management intervention to support our son.