DS1 (5) excluded from school two days in a row

[pinkandsparklytoo]

DS has been in year 1 for just over 2 weeks. Yesterday he was excluded for hitting the teacher. Apparently she had asked him to pack up the train track and he refused. He went on some sort of chair-throwing rampage and hit her in the back a few times tehn kicked her. They called his Recepton teacher in to deal with him and phoned me. He was out of there by 10:20.
Today I missed got a voice mail from teh schol. When I rang them back I found out that they thought he had bitten someone this morning but they couldn't see any marks and let him carry on with the day. However he had then later bitten someone and left a big mark, the headteacher said it was because the other boy wasn't paying attention to the teacher. She also said that my DS had told her that DS2 bites him and that's where he got it from. DS2 is 1 and hasn't bitten him for months. Later on DS told me that they had been playing dinosaurs and he was T. Rex and the other boy was T. Rex prey so he bit him to eat him up.
This week has not gone well for him in general. Tuesday I got told not to pack him fruit strings in his lunch box any more as he refused to eat the other food in it when I did. This is besides him having had them twice already this month and it not being a problem. Wednesday I had a word with the teacher to warn her that some boys had said they were going to cut his hair off (it is shoulder length) and she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off as it is "dangerous". This was due to it becoming tangled in her big beaded necklace when she bent over him. And then the exclusions of the last two days. I don't really know what to do with him. Has anyone got any advice?

I think the hair thing is a bit of a red herring.
The fact of the matter is, his behviour is such that, after 1 year and 1/2 a month of school, your little boy has been excluded 4 times.

What you need to do is ask the school for an appointment - every school should have a B.Co (Behaviour Co-ordinator) - so you can meet together and talk about how you can all move forward together on this. Clearly he is struggling with something, as it's not acceptable behaviour you have described. What you and the school need to do is get to the bottom of what it is that is going on in his head, and also what strategies are the school going to put in place to deal with thiese outbursts, and how you can
support him, and them, with that.

When I saw her yesterday she explained to me again why they were sending him home and gave me a letter to say they were sending him home with the reason on it. This reason is "physical assault against an adult". She said if he gets angry he has to go into the cloakroom to calm down, which is hardly somewhere private for him. I then asked her if they have rules regarding hair being tied up. She said it is advised but not a rule. Before he started school last year I specifically asked his teacher if he would need to have his hair cut and he said no. There has never been any issues or complaints about his hair in the two years he has already been there.

School action plus is title which identifie how much support a child gets:
School action - extra support within class, no addditional adults or resources.
School Action Plus- maybe more 1-2-1 support, visited by specialists e.g. Ed psych.
Statement of SEN - outlines hrs of support and needs.

Go back to the school and insist on an action plan so that his behaviour is managed calmly and consistantly.

I would ask him why he is lashing simply just reinforce that when he is feeling angry/cross he must not hurt other people and he has the choice to go to the cloakroom instead.

Your ds needs support and the school should be working with you to get him some.

Yes, when I spoke to he head teacher today she said tehy have a family liaison officer who can come up with some ideas for things for us to do at home. He behaves fine at home, he hs his odd moment s but don't most kids? I think they need to focus on his behaviour in school.

Yes, the school do need to get to the bottom of what is going on in his head.

They will need an educational psychological to help them with this.

Does he have issues with food at home? (I'm picking up on the cheese strings thing here)

Does the school ask girls to tie their hair back as well? If not then it's unreasonable of them to just ask boys or particularly your son to cut or tie his hair.

Also, doesn't the school have a "no jewllery at school" policy for safety reasons? I would expect the staff to lead by example! Which means that the teacher should not wear a necklace either. I remember a teacher making a point that she had to remove her bangle that she HAD to wear for religious reasons to show that nobody was excluded from the policy. Would she also grow long nails even though she deals with children on a daily basis and could be dangerous?

I understand that he is being naughty at times but trying to restrict him by having his hair cut or anything else that is not needed adds on top of his punishments and makes him even more resentful. Why can't they deal with him by not exculding him? How is he meant to learn to behave if he is constantly excluded?

The ed psych did suggest that they need to pre warn him about changing activities rather tan just announcing it. He also told them that when talking to him they need to say his name first to get his aatention so he knows they are aiming it at him. He also said not to change the phrasing of the question. When he was in nursery they had a speech person come out to see him at home as he didn't talk in group situations. He tried to hide when it came to being his turn in an activity. The speech person told them it's not that he lacks the ability, he has a good vocab, it was just that he didn't want to do it. They jsut need to talk to him about things he enjoys like trains. The you can't get him to stop talking.

Presumably at home their is less compromising going on etc with others, less doing as your told etc etc

it is a very different environment plus the difference between reception and Year 1 in terms of what is expected from them behaviour wise is huge.

That's what I think! When they exclude him they get his old teacher to talk to him. I don't know how it helps him other than he is going to realise that being naughty means he gets to see his favourite teacher and come home! No the girls don't need to have their hair tied up. And if they did refuse to have it tied up, I doubt it would be suggested that they get it cut short. FWIW I tied it up this morning before school but as he was going in the door he pulled the hairband out and ran off. He says he wil look like a girl with it tied up.
He doesn't have any major food issues at home, he just doesn't like potatoes.

These are very valid points to bring up with the school.

TBH he could be sent to work elsewhere in the school or something instead. There is a line between giving him support and appropriate consequences for bad behaviour and he does seem to be rewarded with something he likes when he kicks off!

What month is his birthday? Some of this may improve naturally as he matures.

He was born in March

I think the school need to re-think the calm down area.

If he needs space away from other children (because he is angry, upset, not coping, or his teacher isn't coping) there should be a calm place, even if it's just the book corner which children aren't working in at that time.

Does the school have a "chill out room"? Many do these days. I'm guessing not though, if they are using the cloakroom.

You seem to be excusing every one of his incidents... it's quite extreme for a primary to exclude a child; especially a year 1. Maybe, instead of blaming the school, you should acknowledge that your son is unusually badly behaved.

It comes across to me that u dont take his behaviour very seriously. U say at home he throws things etc and he's been excluded 4 times. Then u say he's not naughty (i hate that word, but quoting op) then u say, odd moments 'they all do'.
Sorry but they all don't. Most children at 5, don't throw things and can share etc.
I don't know what your discipline is like but it sounds to me like u need to realise how bad it is and toughen up and discipline him.
But also def get school support, have a meeting with head teacher, she will be able to tell u in her experience whether she thinks he has autistic tendencies or any other diagnosed condition or whether she thinks its behaviour for another reason.

Children are badly behaved for a reason.

The OP is asking for advice, as she doesn't know what to do with him. (She is acknowledging he is badly behaved!)

Children who behave like this either have something going on at home which affects their behavior, or they have some neurological condition which means the school environment which suite the majority of children doesn't work for them. In which case the school will have to should adapt the environment to help him. The advice from the ed psych sounds like good advice.

If only all children could be told "This is how to behave, now you will behave like this too". It's not that easy

juniper904, if my child behaved badly I would like the school to immediately talk to me about it along with a plan (if it insisted) so I would know what they are going to do with him. There is no arguing that he needs to learn that this behaviour is not acceptable but just sending somebody home doesn't seems to teach him much, does it? I never let my children go unless they give me an answer and show me that they understand what they are meant to do.

The cloakroom is the obvious place to take him. Not excluded, and not private. No staff would want to be alone with him when he's hitting staff, they could handle him wrong and leave themselves in a tricky position and the school won't have the resources to be sending 2 members of staff with him to time out if its happening this frequent.

Thanks for the constructive criticism flojo and juniper. Please tell me where I can find one of these prefectly behaved children as I have never met one.

You may not like this OP but apart from the comments about the ed psych and school providing behaviour plan I would advise getting his hair cut very short. Ok in an ideal world we should all be able to do what we want and live how we want but life isn't fair and kids will be kids. Unless your ds school is the exception nits and lice will be the rulers soon, and short hair is easier to manage. Also unfortunately, had your son gone to any sschool my dcs have attended he would be bullied and called Jessie. Not nice and not fair, but life unfortunately. I don't think you are a bad parent and you shouldn't beat yourself up about this, there may be a good reason why he acts like this. However, I agree you shouldn't make excuses as its not nice being on the receiving end of this behaviour. My dd was bitten on nose in y1 and there is still a scar she will have for life, she is y4 now. Its only small but she thinks she looks ugly. You need to sort this now. It was a dc just like yours, and if you don't do sometthing soon he will be a big boy lashing out.

I think you need to ask for a full assessment for him. There's a lot of clues adding up to a bigger picture. I know why Almandine is asking the questions she's asking. He likes his hair long, is this because he doesn't like getting it cut? What's his eating like? There's something going on here. I do not think it is just Bad Behaviour.

Almandine - I completely agree with you.

some dc are badly behaved at school but they have never experienced an environment where they have to do what is expected of them before but in all honestly those children are very very few and far between.

There will be a reason and the school should be working with the child and the parent to keep him in school and learning, help hiim manage his own behaviour and establish whether he needs additional support and they should be getting the parent involved/informed of how they are going to tackle it.

It sounds like for him going back to school after the long summer break could be the reason why it's particularly hard, he's time off from having to control his reactions.

What about all the girls morethan? Should they get their hair cut very short because of nits and lice?

From what you've said your ds doesn't like change, he doesn't transition easily, hence going back to school after the summer hols may be particularly hard for him especially as the expectations on him will be different to those that were there in reception.

The thing is MOST children want to conform, they like fitting in with the other kids, I know I did as a child. If they are really struggling it should be considered that their may be something more going on.