DS1 (5) excluded from school two days in a row

[pinkandsparklytoo]

DS has been in year 1 for just over 2 weeks. Yesterday he was excluded for hitting the teacher. Apparently she had asked him to pack up the train track and he refused. He went on some sort of chair-throwing rampage and hit her in the back a few times tehn kicked her. They called his Recepton teacher in to deal with him and phoned me. He was out of there by 10:20.
Today I missed got a voice mail from teh schol. When I rang them back I found out that they thought he had bitten someone this morning but they couldn't see any marks and let him carry on with the day. However he had then later bitten someone and left a big mark, the headteacher said it was because the other boy wasn't paying attention to the teacher. She also said that my DS had told her that DS2 bites him and that's where he got it from. DS2 is 1 and hasn't bitten him for months. Later on DS told me that they had been playing dinosaurs and he was T. Rex and the other boy was T. Rex prey so he bit him to eat him up.
This week has not gone well for him in general. Tuesday I got told not to pack him fruit strings in his lunch box any more as he refused to eat the other food in it when I did. This is besides him having had them twice already this month and it not being a problem. Wednesday I had a word with the teacher to warn her that some boys had said they were going to cut his hair off (it is shoulder length) and she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off as it is "dangerous". This was due to it becoming tangled in her big beaded necklace when she bent over him. And then the exclusions of the last two days. I don't really know what to do with him. Has anyone got any advice?

Four violent incidents sufficient for a school to exclude at that age is extreme behaviour, and unlikely to be anything but the tip of the iceberg surely of behavioural issues. For an ordinarily behaved child, who makes mistakes but accepts correction, just doesn't behave like that.

OP: how do you deal with other incidents of bad behaviour?

It sounds to me as if he thinks that if he gives you a reason, no matter how silly (eg TRex game, as by year 1 he should know you don't actually bite, especially as you've had to deal with biting at home in the past), then you'll accept it. You may be seeking reasons, but he is old enough now to be making excuses in the hope of getting away with things. And things like the lunchbox incident and pulling out the hair tie show he is.

OP: you need to talk to the school again, find out what their views are in the round and construct a way ahead. (And be ready for the news that they involve his former (male) teacher when your son rampages for sheer reasons of strength).

Have you ever been on a parenting course?

Some schools do exclude rather easily, this is damaging for the child as well as a sign that the school is not good at handling behavioural issues. One boy now at my DCs primary was permanently excluded twice from other schools, after realising that however pushed the school wasn't going to exclude him, just help him and now he is much more settled and happy, and his behaviour has changed massively.
OP I would contact your local parent partnership to get advice. Repeatedly excluding your son is not helpful, the school should be fighting for more resource if needed to help handle his behaviour. You need to have meetings with the SENCo on a regular basis and the school needs to discuss its plans handle his behaviour. ( I might also be looking to see if there was another school which can better deal with behaviour issues, and maybe asking the GP to refer to a paediatrician.)

I don't think the school are being unreasonable to temporarily exclude him for violent incidents where other people are being hurt. They have a duty to protect the other children in the class. My son was bitten at school in YR and the biter was excluded immediately. She has a lot of behaviour issues that the school are dealing with but that includes removing her if she deliberately hurts another child. A normal 5 yr old should have learnt by now that biting/hitting etc are completely unacceptable behaviour. If he hasn't he needs some help to deal with him impulse control/anger/frustration, I'd accept that from whatever source it is offered.

i agree that you need to work on the communication with the school, my ds has very recently had a dx of adhd and possible asp, its been a huge struggle getting to this point including a part-time timetable because his behaviour got that bad at school they couldn't keep him there for his own safety,

i'm not saying this is what is going on with your ds, i'm not a specialist in all dc just my own, but through experience and mn i have learnt that communication is the key,

excluding a child from their right to their education is a drastic option for the school to take, you need to talk to them and not let them fob you off, give them tactics that you might use at home, make a note of everything much like ivana said,

ivana's post is very good imo, it is everything i had to do to get where we are now, even if its not the same problem, its very good advice

good luck

how did your ds respond to the exclusion? did you give him a punishment at home for being aggressive? how do you normally handle it if he has an outburst at home? are there other things that seem different about your ds? Have two children with ASD and would want to at least rule out any developmental problems by seeing a paediatrician. if ther e are no developmental problems you then need to discuss with school how they are going to deal with his behaviour. You also need to support their sanctions in school by backing them up at home with your ds. I think a lot depends on whether there is anything else going on with your ds. if he has other SN this will have a massive impact on how you and the school deal with him. I would also consider statutory assessment for behavioural and emotional difficulties. start putting your requests in writing so the school start following procedures to the letter.

I just wanted to say my youngest behaved in a similar way at your sons age and was excluded and I am a teacher...
It wasn't because of a failure in my parenting skills.
He was at the wrong school.
I moved him after several exclusions and internal isolations to a FAR more disciplined school with clear expectations and he has thrived and I have yet to be called in/phoned etc.
He is a different child.

tiredness similar here. Problems in Reception, diagnosed with High functioning autism and dyspraxia in year one.

You say his behaviour is inexcusable and yet you constantly give excuses.

What a helpful post calamity .

Sounds to me like the op is trying to rationalise his behaviour because she doesn't understand where it is coming from. She sounds quite sensible to me. Looking for reasons why he might be doing things. We ALL do that as parents don't we rather than stamping in feet first with sanctions and the hard line immediately? I think there is more going on with this child. There seems to be a lot of posters with similar experiences whose child turned out to be diagnosed with something later.

It's most definitely not beyond the realms of possibility that a 5 year old child would bite another one due to over-exuberance in a T-Rex game! My own ds who is more generally known as one of the best behaved bit one his friends when he was the same age in similar circumstances.

Your ds has been excluded four times which has resulted in no improvement in his behaviour. It's clearly not working so the school needs to change tactics urgently. Until then he will be putting both staff and other pupils at risk of physical harm. Unfortunately, given that the school chose this course of action, it does seem likely that they have no other strategies to use. This means that it's going to be down to you to ensure he gets the right help. This shouldn't really be all your responsibility, but such is life.

Set up a meeting with the school SENCO, get the Ed Psych back in and make sure an action plan is set up. Visit your gp and get him assessed etc. Rule out or rule in any underlying reasons for the poor behaviour. Even attend a parenting course if suggested. It might help, and if not then it helps rule out that being the problem.

pinkandsparklytoo no child is perfect but the behaviour you have described is extreme. You can continue to blame the school/others or you can accept there is a problem and help your son.

akaemmafrost most schools suggest parents to tie back long hair (whether it is a girl or a boy) because of head lice and if you have a daughter with long thick hair you are usually more than happy to oblige (after the first infestation)

I have no expertise to offer here but am at how quick some people are to accuse the OP of poor parenting. She clearly acknowledges that there is a problem, and she has come on here seeking help and advice. We don't know her, we don't know her son, and we don't know if he has any SN. Do people not realise how hurtful it must be for the OP to have these problems laid at her feet when they may have nothing at all to do with her parenting style? It's so easy to judge...

OP, I think you will get good advice on here alongside the judgey comments. I hope that you get the support from the school that you and your son need.

Don't think I said anything about tying back. I had an issue with suggesting that it gets cut VERY short.

Has anyone suggested getting his hair cut VERY short?

The OP said "she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off"

Good post jinsei. Unfortunately it's the same on here as in RL. Behavioural issues are automatically assumed to be the result of bad parenting and choices and SN are scoffed at or the possibility just ignored. Far easier to label someone a bad parent and the child a naughty little brat. What gets me is the AMOUNT of posters saying sounds like poss SN yet there are still new posters telling the OP it's her parenting that's the problem.

I wasn't referring to that but to another poster who recommended the hair be cut VERY short. Read my posts .

Yes morethanpotatoprints did.

I don't for a second assume things are due to bad parenting, but the OP made it very clear she didn't like the idea of the family liason officer trying to see if help was needed at home it does (rightly or wrongly) give the impression she sees it as a school issue when there could be something she hasn't thought of at home that could help and all support should be welcomed surely?

CalamityKate Sat 22-Sep-12 10:07:58
"You say his behaviour is inexcusable and yet you constantly give excuses."

I think what the OP means is that the behavior is not acceptable, but there are reasons he isn't behaving acceptably.

I think the OP is having a hard enough time in RL without posters making completely unhelpful comments which will only cause her to feel worse.

I agree with tirenesskills. When asking your GP for your DS to be assessed, don't say he is fine at home, as they will then probably say it's for the school to deal with. Be as specific as you can about what you want him to be assessed for. If the GP is unhelpfull go back again and see a different one and refuse to leave the office until you are referred. It can sometimes be a long hard slog to get your child the help they need.

Unfortunately it's the same on here as in RL. Behavioural issues are automatically assumed to be the result of bad parenting and choices and SN are scoffed at or the possibility just ignored. Far easier to label someone a bad parent and the child a naughty little brat.

:( As if the parents of children with undiagnosed SN don't already have enough to deal with.

Thank you to the helpful posters. The nasty ones, not so much. I have in fact just trimmed a couple more inches off the back of his hair despite having done it before they went back to school. He is fine with a trim he just doesn't want it cut off which I think is understandable. Hardly makes him the naughty child some people imply.
Bad parenting accusations are not helpful at all. Don't be so quick to judge. As I said, I think he has been struggling with the change in what is required from him from reception to year 1. He has never been one for sitting still and working.

Did you get a written report from the EP? I think you need to push for more involvement.

I made an appointment to see the family liaison officer on Wednesday to find out how we can help. I don't see how that means I'm not being supportive. I don't like how the class teacher herself hasn't spoken to me yet about any issues. All I have heard from her is not to give him fruit strings because he apparently refused to eat anything else at that particular meal and to tie his hair up or cut it shorter. I haven't given him fruit strings, and I tried tying his hair up and he pulled the band out once he got there. Now I have trimmed a bit off the back. I'm not going to cut it short, no one has ever had an issue until she got her necklace tangled in it.