DS1 (5) excluded from school two days in a row

[pinkandsparklytoo]

DS has been in year 1 for just over 2 weeks. Yesterday he was excluded for hitting the teacher. Apparently she had asked him to pack up the train track and he refused. He went on some sort of chair-throwing rampage and hit her in the back a few times tehn kicked her. They called his Recepton teacher in to deal with him and phoned me. He was out of there by 10:20.
Today I missed got a voice mail from teh schol. When I rang them back I found out that they thought he had bitten someone this morning but they couldn't see any marks and let him carry on with the day. However he had then later bitten someone and left a big mark, the headteacher said it was because the other boy wasn't paying attention to the teacher. She also said that my DS had told her that DS2 bites him and that's where he got it from. DS2 is 1 and hasn't bitten him for months. Later on DS told me that they had been playing dinosaurs and he was T. Rex and the other boy was T. Rex prey so he bit him to eat him up.
This week has not gone well for him in general. Tuesday I got told not to pack him fruit strings in his lunch box any more as he refused to eat the other food in it when I did. This is besides him having had them twice already this month and it not being a problem. Wednesday I had a word with the teacher to warn her that some boys had said they were going to cut his hair off (it is shoulder length) and she told me that I need to tie it up or cut some off as it is "dangerous". This was due to it becoming tangled in her big beaded necklace when she bent over him. And then the exclusions of the last two days. I don't really know what to do with him. Has anyone got any advice?

There not their

Pink, there is no such thing as a perfectly behaved child. However your DS is in Y1 and has been excluded on more than 1 occasion. This is not the norm and I think that you need to get help to find out why this is happening.

You and your family may know how to deal with your DS, but he is obviously having difficulties in other settings. Please liase with the school and get advise on how to help him handle situations away from his home. It will benefit your DS in the long run.

Oops, I mean advice.[blush{

Perfectly behaved child is one thing. A child that has even excluded 4 days before he is 2 weeks into year 1 is another.

Your son may have a behavioural issue, but you seem to make a lot of excuses for him. His behaviour is not acceptable and is not standard. The teacher is within her rights to not be assaulted!

akaemmafrost

If the Op's ds was at any school I had contact with he would be bullied. Just stating a fact. My ds's didn't get nits/lice with short hair only if it grew a little. Then it was still short. The girls with long hair had more tendency to get nits/lice, more so if it was loose. I'm sorry but for this reason boy or girl I think parents should tie hair up to help to keep nits from spreading. I have not really known of boys with long hair as they normally want to conform with their peers.

He sounds a lot like my son was in KS1. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
I can only second the posters saying that the school need to be getting him properly assessed and checking to see what the triggers are and what in school support he needs. That may involve an Ed Psych, or other out of school professionals. he may be on the spectrum, it may be something else entirely,but it is the school's responsibility to work out how they can meet his needs and educate him.
He should have a School Action plan in the meantime, and you should be involved.
The other person you can ask for help is your GP who can also help you along the path to finding out what the issues are and give you access to other support.

Oh, and as a total aside, we have school rules that state long hair should be tied back, regardless of sex. If the OP's school doesn't have that, then there is no reason why she should have to cut her son's hair.

'I don't know what your discipline is like but it sounds to me like u need to realise how bad it is and toughen up and discipline him.
But also def get school support, have a meeting with head teacher, she will be able to tell u in her experience whether she thinks he has autistic tendencies or any other diagnosed condition or whether she thinks its behaviour for another reason.'

FloJo, I am a teacher and I got comments like that from people who didn't know me too. The head will not diagnose the child, she isn't qualified to do so. What she can do is access professionals who are qualified.

I haven't been making excuses just stating why he was hitting out. It's not like he goes around randomly hitting people for fun. He knows it is unacceptable. I explain it every time. His Dad explains it. His teachers explain it. I am farirly certain he knows but lacks teh self control to stop it. Today with the biting he took the game too far, I don't know why he thought he would have to actually bite the other child. The child that was bitten hit another child with a stick the other day. He didn't get sent home for that unacceptable behaviour. Surely that is the same thing.
Can we move on from the hair. He doesn't want it cut off, I offer. I tie it up like the school asks and he pulls it out when he gets there. He never gets bullied about it. There are other boys in the school with long hair.

I do wonder if they could be excluding him in a bid to have evidence to present that he needs LEA funded support. All you can do is speak to the head.

Do they have a behaviour policy and are they following it (they should have one and you should have a copy of it, ours is just in the general handbood and it may well be published on their website)

OP I agree the hair is a red herring.

I think you need to talk to the school and try to get outside professionals involved as I agree with others there may be reasons for this behaviour.

It's quite shocking for a 5yo to have been excluded from primary four times after just over a year. Hitting his teacher in the back and then kicking her is waaaaay outside my school experience (and I teach secondary). It clearly can't go on, as you are acknowedging, but you need to find out what's causing the behaviour.

I don't have a copy of the behaviour policy but am just downloading one from their website.

OP, the school is severely letting you down here. They should not be laying this at your feet, bundling DS out the door saying 'this isn't acceptable'.

You need to meet with the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) and / or Behavioural Coordinator to discuss this.

What support are they going to put in place?
What strategies are they going to use?
What lessons have been learned for future reference (certain triggers, signs of distress etc)
Has DS had the opportunity to apologise to those he has hurt? Has the air been cleared, so to speak, and further ramifications been monitored (possible bullying, withdrawal from social situations etc)
What is the current reward and discipline procedure in his class? Does he respond to it?
Was the teacher made aware of his needs (passed on from previous teacher?)
What level of extra support does the Year One class currently have (eg a Teaching Assistant for half a day, 5 days a week?)
What is the general feedback on your son's progress- is this behaviour an obstacle to learning?
Are there other incidents you have not been made aware of?

Ask to see their Behaviour Policy and Inclusion Policy - get copies.
Ask what they do or have done for children with similar needs.
Ask if they think other professionals should be called upon yet (EdPsych or speech therapist again)

This is most definitely not for you to sort out by yourself - it should be a supportive, collaborative home-school relationship.

Fwiw, Ofsted would an very interested in the way they have handled things thus far.

Take notes, keep records, have someone with you in meetings if possible (and btw- not DS for the more adult-based ones) and hopefully take things from there.

With regards to the biting, we have a seperate policy on biting. Its treated differently to other forms of aggression.

What efforts have the school made to adjust his behaviour, other than exclusion which should have been the very last result. Our policy would be 1) warning 2) final warning 3) time out in class 4) taken to head of keystage/head and a letter home. However some behaviours would be beyond a warning. There are plenty of options before exclusion.

With regards to the biting, we have a seperate policy on biting. Its treated differently to other forms of aggression.

What efforts have the school made to adjust his behaviour, other than exclusion which should have been the very last result. Our policy would be 1) warning 2) final warning 3) time out in class 4) taken to head of keystage/head and a letter home. However some behaviours would be beyond a warning. There are plenty of options before exclusion.

Your ds sounds somewhat like my son at that sort of age. Same issues with transition, lack of impulse control and lashing out (although with ds it was generally limited to tantrums and shoes throwing). The difference was that the school managed it very well, referred him to specialists, put in place an IEP and generally sought to understand why he acted up and to manage his behaviour. He sometimes had to stay in at lunch but was never excluded (which was lucky as we both worked and it would have been a major problem for us)

I think that you need to go into school, ask to have a meeting with the SENCO and get the school to put an IEP in place.

Your child throws things. He kicks and hits the teachers and bites students. If I were the parent of a child in your child's class I would expect the school to take a firm stance on this.

They were definitely NOT unreasonable. You need to take a hard line. Sounds to me - given you allow your child his choice of hairstyle in Y1 that you allow him too much latitude. Setting ourself up for a fall IMO.

Ivana - I could not disagree more with your post.

Yes he may throw, bite and kick but it is not what he is known for. He doesn't plan it in advance and it isn't a regular occurrence. One of the times it was an accident when the teacher got hit by a hoop he was swinging. Another time he was defending his friend. The biting he got carried away in a game. I know all the behaviours are inexcusable. His teacher has been telling me that he was settling in well prior to this. I just wanted to know what I can do to prevent him lashing out. Obviously I explain it is unacceptable, as do his teachers. I have already said this. But what more can I do? I'm not at school with him am I?
And really, I am not sure how letting him have a say in his hairstyle is a problem affecting his behaviour. I Ker him have a say in which shoes he had too, am I going to be harbouring a criminal because of this?

Boundaries, he can't always have things his way. I would say if you don't keep your hair up, then it will be cut shorter.

He has always apologised to the people he hurt. Previously his reception teacher told me that some other children had noticed his overreactions to things and set out to wind him up on purpose. I don't know what the current teacher does to reward/ discipline them we haven't had much of a one to one talk yet. I'm not sure if the other teacher passed on any advice, I'd expect so as he was a very considerate teacher who my son responded to well. I think that is why they keep calling him out of his class to deal with DS. His class teacher hasn't even spoken to me about the assault, she left it to the head teacher who wasn't there at the time. I don't know if they used any others methods to deal with him, just instant exclusion with an explanation.

Pink, your DS sounds just like mine who is now 9. My son was never excluded from school but all the stuff you say about "an area to calm down" and impulsive behaviours are like my DS. My DS is autistic with ADHD, am not saying your son is the same but the issues you raise are ringing bells with me.

FWIW my DS saw loads of people for lots and lots of assessments before a paediatrician pulled it all together and diagnosed autism. Until DS was 6 I thought autism meant a non verbal and unaffectionate child...the polar opposite of DS.

It might be worth asking for a referral to a community paediatrician (either through the school nurse or the GP) just to review development. My son hit out because he couldn't bear being touched....it was very simply solved by either putting him first or last in line ups etc. simple but effective.

You mention your DS's hair.....he likes it a certain length....does he find hair cutting distressing?

Did his speech develop normally?

Did he have any feeding difficulties as a small baby?

Anything else he finds hard.....it sounds like the sensory environment of the classroom is too much for him at times.

All things to consider.

And yes....the school needs to do much more about this.

Its very extreme for a school to exclude a child even once in their whole school life. Most children get through their entire school career without ever having been excluded. But I guess you know this?

My advice would be to set boundaries for your son where you decide the boundaries and he is clear that crossing those boundaries is never acceptable. The school sets boundaries for every child, so the problem is not with them. I'm sorry but I think the answer lies with your parenting and/ or establishing whether he actually has a problem through an educational psychologist.

In your posts, I get the general impression that you are pushing back against the school and that you parent only by consent.

Hi op, I home ed my son. (so maybe biased) I also at 4 allow him to have a say in his hair, currently long and shoes, currently biker and pink. So I don't think that is the issue, a bit of a red herring. I have no issues with my sons behaviour. My mum is a head teacher in a inner London school where year one children have been known to threaten with knives at lunchtime, she thinks the idea of excluding him at 5 is ludicrous they exclude at 5 for nothing a school should be able to cope. They are only rewarding he bad behaviour. She would suggest you say this and insist on the previous years strategies etc. Does he have similar violent outbursts at home? Because if it's just at school I think they are badly letting him down, a school should be able to put in strategies to deal and support him With this. Identifying and avoiding triggers etc until He is older.
If it is also at home then I think you have bigger problems with discipline in general. IMO that would be unusualBehaviour at 5. How is his concentration? Does he respond to time out at home?

I think you need to work with the school, some of your posts at the moment come across as if it's a battle rather than working together. They have offered a family liaison which is a good start to trying to get to the bottom of what is going on. Meet with the teacher, SENCO and head teacher discuss what has been happening discuss the report from the ed psych and work together to improve things for your son.