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Primary education

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daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
anthonytrollopesrevenge · 13/11/2011 21:00

My kids have just started licking each other, started in junior playground and has now spread to infants and back home. Yes it's revolting. No it isn't sexual and I agree with KatieM. I don't think we are much weirder here in Hampshire than anywhere else in the UK. It's just yet another silly childhood phase which I hope will be short lived. Comments about willies are not that unusual at our primary school either. Primary kids pick up inappropriate stuff, it happens & I think you are giving the OP a hard time.

handsomeharry · 13/11/2011 21:02

No they are giving the OP the benefit of their experience which is a totally different thing altogether.

mrz · 13/11/2011 21:04

I think this has moved on from the OP anthonytrollopesrevenge but when your kids are licking each other do they say I'm going to bite your willy?

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 21:12

Mine say all sorts. They find bums, willies and 'ginas' absolutely hilarious.

I was in primary school in the 1970's and Danny used to show girls his willy in the toilets. Kiss chase, 'lesbians' (oh the terror!) it all went on.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:14

Have you any clue why Danny did that?

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 21:14

Oh and the licking thing - mine do that. It's disgusting. But not sexual.

mrz · 13/11/2011 21:16

hush Feenie it is all perfectly innocent

mrz · 13/11/2011 21:17

they lick boys legs?

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 21:20

I think if you have concerns then report them - that is how it works with a agencies. But don't imply stuff about op's daughter based on an Internet thread. It's ridiculous. And unprofessional.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:22

I think if you have concerns then report them

Which is what should happen, professionally. Unless you are MTG, then you can discuss them with anyone in a public area and mentally file them away.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:24

I don't think anyone has implied anything, other than it should be reported as a possible concern. That's just correct procedure - it's not ridiculous or unprofessional to state that.

mrz · 13/11/2011 21:24

No one is implying anything about the OP's daughter as I have said earlier

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 21:24

WHat's MTG?

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:25

MindtheGappp

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 21:34

Oh I thought it was another bloody acronym. Grin

I had CP training and what they impressed on us is that we should report concerns because if it builds a pattern with other agencies then it's a red flag.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:35

Exactly.

daytoday · 13/11/2011 21:47

Oh dear, I think this post has gone rather strange.

In terms of advice, as a mother of a 9 year old boy - I would be quite upset if a girl suggested they would lick his privates, in jest. I think he would be incredibly embarrassed and mortified. Many many 9 year old boys are completely clueless about such things too. Maybe it took some time for the boy to tell his mother. Just because he's two years older it doesn't mean he 'knows more'. It all depends on individual children.

In terms of the time delay in reporting, perhaps he repeated the remark to one of his siblings/friends (as children oft do) and the mother had to work hard to find out where he originally heard such a phrase. I think therefore the time delay between the boy's mother reporting the event may well be justified.

In terms of your daughter, of course she was being silly and didn't really realise the severity of putting these two hilarious notions together. She was obviously mortified. However, there is probably no 'nice' way for the school to deal with this. I suspect your daughter has learnt a valuable, but certainly not soul destroying, lesson. Please don't worry too much.

Speak to the school too - but do listen too.

chocolateyclur · 13/11/2011 21:50

Any worries should be reported to the person with thematic responsibility for CP as a cause for concern. Even something that could easily be looked over can help build a picture of something that could become a safeguarding issue. No two ways about it.

Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S responsibility in any school, agency, whatever.

And if nothing else, if the worst did happen and your school found itself in a serious case review, you can/will be found as impeding safeguarding investigations if you have withheld information that could ultimately have helped a child.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/11/2011 21:56

DD2 had a friend who used to make inappropriate sexual comments. She was six. It caused me huge concern, and I spoke to the head teacher of the school, who took it seriously. He spoke to the child's teacher who laughed it off and said "Oh yes, she is regularly trying to "dry hump" the little ones!" WTF? The head teacher spoke to social services, who spoke to me in confidence (as did the police). The child is now in long term foster care. Her father had been abusing her. This was a "lovely family" - no trouble, two older girls, well liked and known in the village...

Feenie · 13/11/2011 21:57

Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S responsibility in any school, agency, whatever.

I still can't believe anyone would dismiss anything like this as being 'holier than thou'. Shock

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 22:02

At the risk of sounding stupid..as a lay person I am still gobsmacked that MTG is getting such a roasting. I have learned quite a lot of how cp functions and have to say am quite enlightend (in a good way) about how it functions. But my gut instinct, in terms of the context of the OP is still that most teachers would react in the way that MTG has described.

SharkieLeRouge · 13/11/2011 22:07

I can't believe there are teachers on this thread who wouldn't be discussing this with the CP officer. This has nothing to do with a 'police state', or box ticking and it smacks of a dangerous arrogance to say well I'm a professional teacher who can decide what's for the best. You have no idea what goes on in a child's home, or their granny's home, or their church youth group, or their auntie Mary's house or their best friend's house, or even in all aspects of their school life.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 22:07

Then they may also find themselves guilty of unprofessional conduct and will have breached their duty of care. All well and good if all the teachers reacted like MTG (and I think you're wrong, btw - most teachers are very well trained in CP matters) and the concerns were unfounded. But what if they weren't?

NormanTebbit · 13/11/2011 22:08

I think for parents it's difficult because kids say stupid shit all the time just for attention/effect. Mine talk about 'willies' ( they think they have willies) they think bums are hilarious and I could totally imagine any one of them telling a boy they would bite his willy. As a parent I would hate anyone to think they have been exposed to anything g untoward.

Feenie · 13/11/2011 22:10

Well quite, and in 95% of cases it could be perfectly innocent.

But what about the 5% (or whatever) of cases where it is not?