daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

[cezzer1]

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

Yes, I do understand that. But I would have thought the type of incidents being discussed here happen daily in the life of a 5-10 year old. That seems to make for a heck of a lot of logged incidents. From what the OP said, the school didn't take it very seriously, not even taking any time to speak to the Mum and then really just dismissing it. Do you think they would have logged it?

Are you suggesting that every one of these incidents should be flagged? I think most teachers may flag them if they put them together with other abnormal behaviour.

I've been teaching for 20 years - they don't happen daily, far from it. And yes, I would write a cause for concern form for an incident like that and pass it to the Child Protection Team, because that's what I've been trained to do and it's part of my professional duty of care.

Yes, I think it would have been logged. And if nothing else comes of it, it will be destroyed.

I think most teachers may flag them if they put them together with other abnormal behaviour.

It's really not our place to wait until there is a collection of incidents before reporting them. And again, I have to say I think you're wrong. Most teachers would report a single incident - because that's what we're trained to do.

Yes, any incident that raises the tiniest concern should be logged. What professional 1 sees and knows about may seem tiny and irrelevant, but mixed with other people's slight concerns could build a picture of something bigger, which is why multi agency working is now so key.

I do hope most kids aren't threatened with having their genitalia bitten as part of their daily life

op you just need to talk to the school calmily and explain your dd did not lick his private parts, but his knee

sounds like your dd didnt realise how wrong what she said was, but try not to make too big a deal out of it and let it blow over.

you just sound like a concerned mum, but please try to chill

good luck to you and your dd

Mum1369 I don't know a single teacher (or person working with children) who would take the same attitude as MTG.

I agree with Mrz.

Use of the term "willy" on its own is common. But threatening to bite a boy's willy and then attempting to lick his trousers in the genitalia area is definitely not the type of incident that happens daily in the life of a 5-10 year old. I am happy to believe the OP that this isn't what actually happened but, from a child protection point of view, the boy's version of events cannot be dismissed.

By the way, something I don't think has been mentioned before (but I haven't read the entire thread so I may be wrong), this incident should be logged to see if a pattern emerged for either of the children involved, not just the girl. It would raise concerns if the boy was repeatedly making allegations of sexual behaviour against other children.

If my DD1 also aged 7 had done what you describe I would be hitting the roof with her. I don't think it is appropriate for a child to behave in such a way at school, it is not funny or clever and it was right she was made to apologise.

I would be shocked if it had any sexual content/implications but you can never be too sure either. However even so it is entirely inappropriate behaviour.

I would also be concerned as he appears from the OP to be actively encouraging the OPs daughter

The problem with 'filing things in your head' is that if you suddenly had an accident, or long term illness, you are no longer there in school keeping an eye on the situation. You may not even be able to recall events which later prove to be needed to clarify a situation. Sometimes it's important to have a record of dates and times of these incidents because they fit in with certain other circumstances which you may not even be aware of.

Every incident must be logged and filed in a place where other staff members know where it is. It's not about deciding whether or not to report. It's about reporting to ensure the best interests of the child.

Probably 95% of the paperwork will be shredded by the end of the year. No harm done to anyone. No reputations to be carried through life.

But where it is needed, that record can be used to help a child in an unsafe situation.

Why would you not report it?

This matter has now been dealt with. I have received an apology from the school for their handling of the whole situation and at no time did they consider it was sexual. They recognise it as playground silliness based on the character of my daughter in general and what a sweet lovely girl she normally is. She was goofing around to make her friends laugh and even the mother of the boy, who I have spoken to, now recognises this having sat down with me. For those who took this matter to the degree of ridiculousness, shame on you, there was a time when we were all more understanding of each other. To those who had a handle on reality and have sent me kind comments and support, thank you, you give me hope there are normal people still in this country. I am a damn good mother who's kids work hard at school and are liked by all that meet them. One of them slipped up, that's all and I was not afforded the correct treatment by the school. My daughter has a father serving overseas with the armed forces and he's about to miss her 3rd birthday in a row and Christmas and will not be home properly until June. Wouldn't your kids act out a bit coping with that? Instead she has helped raise nearly £5000 for Help the Heroes at school because she feels she is helping her daddy. I reached out to fellow Mums with a sensitive but honest problem and a lot of you were nothing short of vile. Let he without sin cast the first stone. I guess all your kids are perfect then....hmmm! This chat is now closed from my point of view. Feel free to bitch back, I really don't give a sh*t!!!!

I am very confused now - if the school at no point thought it was a sexual issue, why on earth did you post that she had been accused of one?

You seemed to be very precise on the length of the first meeting with the teacher, but it now seems that you didn't actually listen. You then passed on a totally unnecessary scare to your daughter, upsetting her thoroughly.

At risk of being flamed by you, can I suggest that you have been overreacting, and your over-reaction is at the heart of the whole issue. I hope you have support in RL that might help you overcome this. Try your UWO, or SSAFA or posting on Forces Sweethearts forum where you will find many posters with direct experience of separations.

But please do do something; it would be awful for your DD if you again overreacted, failed to listen and caused her such hurt.

OP not sure who your comments are aimed at .

Child protection is there to protect every child, including your own. No one is saying she needs protecting from you or anything that you have done. She, like every other child, deserves protection from anyone who may attempt to mistreat her. No one is saying that this has actually happened, just that schools and other agencies are aware that it can and does happen.

If that's what's upset you?

Didnt you read the OP Fairenuff? She is a lovely girl, with nice parents. Therefore normal child protection considerations can be disregarded.

Tbh op I am finding it pretty difficult to feel much sympathy for you. You seem absolutely determined to wallow in every possible difficulty in a terribly amature dramatic way.
Your post admonishing everyone on the thread sounds like something you have slaved over trying to find the right balance of wronged mother and champion of truth.
The facts seem to be that a minor incident was blown out of all proportion by your slightly hysterical responses to it and that your slavish determination to Be Right has thrown a much greater spotlight on your dd than ever needed to happen.
Even coming back here to wag your finger at everyone appears more to do with attention seeking than the issue at hand.

Perhaps calm down a bit and give your dd a break? No one needs this much tight jawed foot stamping in their life.

Having reread the thread, I'm finding it difficult to find any posters who were 'vile' towards you or your dd - most of the thread concentrated on challenging the misuse of CP procedure. Tbh, I would rather this WAS challenged on a public thread, it's very important.

Totally agree with what all the normal teachers on here have said. Having spent many years in a school with several children on the at risk register it is vital that everything is reported. It's all very well assuming that a child is being silly and just sharing in the staff room verbally to check but what about sharing with doctors, club leaders, hospitals etc. little things can all add up.

And yes talking about eating poo as a one off is fine but what if that child also says other inappropriate things in different contexts and then it is discovered that someone, somewhere in his life is making him eat poo. I actually cannot believe that grown adults can be so naive. I suppose until you teach children who have been abused and have read their files and met with SS you never really know. It's not about a nanny state. It's about protecting vulnerable children.

And for what it's worth OP. I think the teachers on here were merely trying to explain why things are recorded and not accusing you personally of child abuse.

Glad it's resolved OP. Must be hard on your own. Chin up.

I'm sorry but I can't see anyone being vile here. No-one insinuated anything about you and your child. Saying that the incident as originally described should be logged is not in any way a judgement on you or your child, nor is it a judgement on the boy concerned. It is merely following a procedure which is in place to protect both your child and the boy.

A child making false allegations of sexual behaviour/abuse against others can be a sign that the child is being abused by someone close to them. How would you feel if this boy was being abused but the school failed to spot it because they didn't log incidents properly?

Hi cezzer, glad it is sorted.

I agree some over the top comments. Sometimes I am very fearful that silly playground behaviour is judged by "adult standards" (and that too much is made of it). I have heard loads of children say weird "sexual" things. It could have been dealt with better, by telling your DD that what she said was inappropriate, at the time. And if the boy was upset (or even "traumatised" ) she should have been made to apologise. And that should have been the end of it. It was WAY blown out of proportion IMO.

There have deffo been some over the top comments by some posters, particularly by some of the teachers. However, i suppose that teachers may see this as a CP issue as they would have to protect themeselves against legal action

Some of you should not forget that children do silly inappropriate things (not all kids though). They need to be made aware of what they do and say but in my opinion there is no need to report them to the child protection because it will always remain there. This information might destroy the future of the child.
I would talk to the girls at home to use more appropriate language. The OP should find out where this language comes from (e.g. friends, TV, games, computer...). Be stricter to them as the results are not good.

I have a five and six year old DS and DD. Whenever they bath together the language is quite often shocking - they take toilet humour to a new level! it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if DD told DS she was going to "bite his willy off"