Ds sits next to kid who stinks of pee ; should I mention to the teacher?

[DrNortherner]

Ds is in Year 5. In Maths and Science he sits next to this boy who clearly has toilet issues. Every day ds complains he smells of stale wee and it puts him off.

Parents eve is soon and dh says we should complain. I reckon the teacher will already know this kid stinks of wee so is it worth mentioning?

FWIW, most days I see this boy he comes out of school with a wet patch on his trousers

Dh is of the 'Hey, this boy stinks and it's not fair my ds has to sit next to him every day' stance where as I am a little more diplomatic...

Any advice on how to tackle?

4 a day on the NHS is clearly wrong for those people that cannot afford to buy their own.

But still, that's not OP's sons fault, and he should not have to have his education suffer because of it.

Sorry fannybanjo I only read the first part of the thread. This thread touched a nerve for me - I still feel guilty about asking (privately) to change places all those years ago, although mostly I am furious at a system that allowed a little girl to be neglected for so long.

It's ok Barbarian and I agree, something should be done. However the OP has been attacked on here for putting her son's feelings into account and I should have probably put a after the comment "suck it up" however I am not wanting anyone who has a child with such problems to think that I am being insensitive to a child having an incontinence problem, as I am not, I just think that DrNo's child also should be heard, if he is unhappy.

2 issues here. The first, of course, is being nice about it - kids and parents. I agree that kids in this situation might also have much bigger problems.

BUT BUT BUT, we can't help our sensory responses. I used to teach a boy from a horrendous background; eventually came out that he was sexually abused from a very young age. He reeked. Of all sorts of things. I literally gagged every time I went near him; my only solution to this was to eat strong mints and douse myself in perfume before every lesson with him. I still couldn't ever actually sit down next to him to help him with his work; I would have vomited. I came close to it a couple of times. Nurse, SS, everyone involved. I had so much compassion for him, but I have a really strong gax reflex and I couldn't help my response. Felt terrible about it

So, while compassion is needed, smells are a problem for so many people and it's not a choice to physically respond negatively.

Of course you can't control your physical response to the smell but that still doesn't solve the problem. The child is in the class ...the child smells ... the child sits next to other children ...the other children find the smell unpleasant ... now what?

Your DH sounds like a charming fellow ...

Seriously though, reading your post made me feel quite sad. Has it never crossed your minds that the poor child might have a medical condition or at worst is being neglected and is no doubt suffering further by being ostracised by other children at the school?

I think you would be justified in raising concerns with the teacher i.e. with the interests of the child in question at heart. But not to complain.

slave - you were incredibly lucky with diagnosis and support from school. I have never heard of such a positive experience, everyone I have ever met has had to fight for diagnosis and then still dont receive support even when fighting again. Good to hear that the system can work.

pleasestoplying - what advice did your school give you to manage the situation as that is awful that you couldnt sit next to him to help him? Now wondering if the same was happening with my son.

Perhaps people react differently to smells etc. I guess I have always been able to cope. Spent much of my working life in Bangladesh/China/India etc in very deprived areas using horrendous toilets in extreme heat and eating only local food whether it be curry for breakfast or chickens feet. Just had to learn not to think about it so as not to be sick as I wanted to keep my job and I found it got easier after time. I just thought anyone could do the same but I suppose we all have different abilities to cope.

As mrz says what is the option for other children other than to accept it. Teachers only have the option to change careers.

The best way I've ever found of masking smells is to smear a little Tiger Balm round each nostril just before you expect to encounter it.

This won't work as a school endorsed solution (just highlights the problem). But if you have a child who is mature and compassionate enough, and who you can rely on not to call attention to doing it (or indeed discuss it with anyone at all), then that will solve the immediate difficulty arising from an inclusive classroom.

constipation , other staff were sympathetic to the boy (and to my 'issue') but we had no solutions. He knew he smelt; it wasn't an issue of not knowing or of neglect as much as a defence against/ reaction to the abuse, I was told. A number of agencies were involved with the family and smelling was the least of his worries .

I couldn't sit next to him but I sat him at a table right near my desk if I needed to work with him so I could still work with him but not right next to him iyswim. I know it sounds awful and I was so ashamed, but it wasn't through choice...others couldn't suggest anything except what I was doing with the mints and perfume but the other children found it really hard and the classroom windows had to be wide open all the time.

He hardly ever came to school though. Maybe one or two lessons a week. Very very sad situation for him and I wished I'd been able to work with him without my reaction.

I am massively over-sensitive to smell as well as OCD-type problems. Can't even really use public toilets without being sick.

I am also ridiculously over-sensitive to smell and my first instinctive thought for the OP was to mention it to the teacher, of course. Discretely so but it needs to be adressed. If this had been me as a child sitting next to a child with problems, I'd have been retching my way through ever lesson shared. This would not be a sign of not feeling huge sympathy for a possibly undiagnosed problem, but simply the very practical fact that continence problems can be really quite unpleasant for everyone else.
OP, in your situation I would bring it up with the teacher and say this is clearly a delicate situation but your dc is struggling.

You put it better than me, BabyGiraffes!

I had this problem with DD sitting next to someone who also smelt strongly. (not wee). I did mention it to her teacher, explaining that my DD had a very strong sense of smell, not suggesting that she move anyone but just to make her aware in case other children picked up on it.

The teacher was very nice, suggested it might possibly be cigarette smoke from the family, but she couldnt be sure and she would keep an eye on how both children interacted to make sure neither were unhappy.

My DD didnt mention it again.

Definitely mention it to the teacher but make sure you keep any judgement out if it.

I have every sympathy for the boy with the continence problems. Who knows what he is facing. I suspect that the teachers have sat the OP's son next to him because they think he is the sort of child that would be sensitive to the feelings of the boy.

On the other hand, the OP's son is having difficulty concentrating and therefore his education is being affected. I would probably speak to the teachers about it and say that whilst I didn't want anything done now, it would be good if the children could all be given new seats at the start of each term. Whilst I'm sure a lot of teachers do this as a matter of course I can remember classes at school where that never happened and you were stuck with the same seat for the whole year.

Blimey, such a lot of comments from both sides of the coin.

Have made a note to self to watch my posting style from now on, as nasty and ill educated I am not.

I have made the decision to sensitively mention it to the teacher at parents evening. I am not complaining (bad choice of word in OP as I have already mentioned) I am making him aware that my ds is being affected by this and he is finding it difficult. Ds has just been appointed playground buddy for this kid and has been tasked with making sure he is not alone at playtimes, yesterday there was an incident that my ds sound particularly difficult, and yes of course the other boys issues are 1000 times worse, however I will fell better having had the discussion.

Thanks for all the input, certainly opens ones eyes to the difficulties other kids have.

Im really late to this thread and havent read many of the replies -sorry.

My ds was in a similar situation with another child and one morning whilst in the cloakroom I overheard another Mum complaining about this child .....so sorry was I for this child that a dreadful thing happened ......ds3 still a baby threw his cup and it landed all over this boy and his coat - I was so very embarrased and immediately spoke to the head who agreed that baby wipes werent going to solve the problem of milk that would become stinky so I was 'asked' as it was my ds3s fault to take the childs clothes home and wash them and he had a good wash in the staff room because of nickschick clumsy baby........

Then the next day (i was a helper in school) we'd visited the museum studying the victorian times and managed to find an old mangle so we washed a few P.E kits , we spoke about hygeine etc etc and suddenly over time this boy got better - several times a month I used to collect all the left behind sweaters etc wash them and return them to the rightful owners.

The little boy lived alone with his Dad,through no fault of his own he was wetting the bed,dad was clearing it at night but only using baby wipes and had become so used to the smell it didnt affect him - through tactful guidance the child was able to help himself and later when his dad realised he thanked me .....I of course didnt understand why as it was only my clumsiness but nonetheless that boy and my ds2 were to become firm friends a friendship still v strong 11 years later - the dads remarried now and the boy is much happier -he still leaves his bloomin' clothes at mine though - cos he likes the nickschick smell .

My son is sitting next to someone at school with body odour problems.He is a likeable boy but the stench has become too much to bear and my son diplomatically approached the teacher and asked for a solution the teachers reply was at Easter you will be moved around .My son feels let down and is miserable when he goes into school and miserable when he comes out.My son is kind to the boy as I have explained it could be for many unfortunate reasons.But my son feels let down as he has to stick with it for the interim.

You'd be better starting a new thread as it's almost a decade since anyone posted on this one.

This makes me feel really sad. I would raise it as a safeguarding concern. Why is left sitting in wet clothes? Is he not bringing in spare clothes? Can no one delicately prompt him to change after an accident? Or can no one delicately remind him to regularly go to the toilet? Not aiming these questions at you OP but school should perhaps be doing more to support him. Having worked with children with additional needs, its not that difficult to remind children who need it to go to the toilet regularly or to support a child to change their clothes if needed. I can't imagine leaving a child in wet clothes.

Ahh didn't realise it was an old thread !

That poor boy - I would tell him to have some compassion

If you are going to mention it, ring up the teacher and let her know that your ds has mentioned this. Do not mention it on parents evening. Other parents will be around etc. This is sensitive and needs to be handled carefully.