9 year old daughter bathing with dad?

[August21yellowbaby]

I'm not saying I think this is "wrong" but sometimes I do feel like maybe there is an age where this should stop? My husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage and they still bath together, she has developed without going into too much detail. I do feel slightly uncomfortable with it because I don't see it ending anytime soon and I worry she will be 14 still bathing with him. When I started to go through physical changes I wouldn't even be naked infront of my mum, I worry she's abit too open and I worry maybe she doesn't see the importance of privacy? Her mother has a new boyfriend and I worry she is this open around him too

I think there's a difference between helping a child with their hair, assisting them to change etc but being in the bath together is a bit too close for comfort.
My children started being protective of their privacy as the began to develop, all quite naturally.

WTAF??

What he has a proper bath - washes his ballsack and arsecrack in front of her and everything? And she does the same in front of him?

That's horrific.

I find it surprising, that they fit if nothing else, it must be a big bath tub! My kids stopped bathing together before the oldest was 10 as they would annoy each other so I can’t really see how an adult and a 9yo would fit comfortably in a standard bath tub. I would personally find it weird too that the child is still up for it at that age. Would you feel the same if it was a son though?

And yet this is the conclusion that most people would jump to. First priority is protecting the child. Whether he's a paedophile or not, which he could well be as you don't know the guy, this is a concern and needs to stop for the sake of all involved. It is not normal for a father to want to bathe naked with his pubescent daughter. Fact, whether you like it or not.

Even if a child asks, I think there has to be some adult discernment about what is appropriate. If there are no additional needs, at 9 they should be independent and aware of their right to privacy and dignity. You need to encourage a move in that direction for his own sake.

My daughter would have been mortified at me seeing her naked at that age. Is the bathing child led or is this something her dad is suggesting? If it is child led I would start having the conversations about privacy at the very least. If it's dad led then I think you have bigger issues.

Probably since they said the bit about still doing it at 14. Gross.

9 is way wayyyyyy too old.

Same here. Especially as you say she is already starting to develop. Have you ever asked him why he feels the need to do it? Creepy as fuck

My ASD 8 year old still wants us to bathe with him. We don’t, mainly because, although he wants this now, he will probably not remember having felt this strongly about it when he’s older, and we don’t want him thinking back on it when he grows up and wondering whether we were inappropriate / abusive.

But also because the bathtub isn’t big enough.

It does mean it is almost impossible to get him to wash though - he has real difficulty being by himself in the water, even if we are right next to the tub, and he won’t shower.

These things aren’t always cut and dried, particularly if the child has any developmental issues or is scared of growing up and wants to stay a child doing little kid things (which is not uncommon for ND girls). And it can be hard to say no to a child who feels scared to be alone or really needs the close involvement of a parent in things most kids their age do independently, and want privacy for.

But I’d advise against a non-resident dad bathing with a DD this age. For his own peace of mind but also to avoid confusion for her when she grows up and has memories that may cause her shame or confusion or fear.

Yes but that's completely different as I'm assuming he's not naked too and as yet say your daughter isn't developed yet whereas OP SD is

That's where my adopted father used to abuse me.

This is very uncomfortable to read and I am shocked that your husband cannot see that what he is doing is not appropriate any longer. Bathing with a much younger child is ok, but for a girl who is approaching puberty, surely he can see that it's wrong on so many levels?
As the adult, he should be teaching her that as we age, things that were once ok change, and that is fine. A child is not the one who should enforce this. As you've mentioned, she has other male figures in her life, and needs to be taught that being naked with them is not in any way normal.

What does your step daughter’s mum think about bathing with daddy?

Sorry - my intention was to suggest that he stop it, because she is too old for this - but to do it kindly. She might be sad that her dad doesn't want to do this anymore, but there are lots of alternatives for fun dad-daughter closeness.

In the UK with our cultural normal norms and our little bathtubs then definitely no. It's too cramped and I'm surprised both are ok with it.

That being said, we are quite relaxed with nudity, will get changed in front of eachother, pop to the loo if someone is in the bath/shower etc and I expect we'll both be helping out eldest with her hair in the bath at 9 still.

If we were somewhere like Japan where families do bathe together naked, often as a leisure activity, then I'd be happy to do that with the kids, but we'd have more space. It would be far less weird than sitting in a bath naked with a bunch of Japanese pensioners (female!) last time I was there 😂

When puberty hits its natural to want a bit more privacy, but 9 is still quite young, so I can understand how there might be some catching up to do in terms of personal boundaries if puberty hits young.

Needed no. But it’s can be a kind a loving shared experience.

It's such a shame!!

On holiday, my DD9&8 will jump in with their dad as we both take turns to shower the girls before going out as we still do hair washes etc.

It doesn't always have to be an issue.

Safeguarding would kick in and . . .

He'd be arrested

It is inappropriate. I didn’t want either parent, especially dad, in the bathroom with me by her age.

My kids stopped bathed with their dad age 6 at the latest. I just think it’s odd.

less so with mums and daughters, although that of course is double standards

Why is it such a big deal that a 9 year old sees their dad’s bits? Why are we so ashamed of our bodies in such an innocent setting? The daughter will let her dad kniw when she doesn’t want to bath with him anymore.

Because a child shouldn't have to see any adult naked male.

I saw my dad naked once, by accident.

I remember being traumatised for years.

I feel quite sick reading this. Initial thought is hiding in plain sight which I hope is not the case.

Wow, that’s a really extreme reaction to seeing a naked body.