I’m really struggling but not sure if I’m allowed to post this

[Mamaofbabyboy19]

Trigger warning as I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about this but I seriously need help!!

I’ve just got out of hospital 15-05-21 after giving birth to my daughter who was born at 17 weeks old obviously she didn’t survive due to her having megacystis which is an extended bladder condition that was effecting her kidneys! I give birth to her naturally and I held her for 15 hours untill I said my goodbyes and I left the hospital, now that I’ve gone I’ve had 8 panic attacks and I’ve been sick 5/6 times! I don’t no what to do how to deal with this pain, I have a 2 year old boy that really needs his mama and I’m struggling to be his mama and feel the way I do right now 😭 please any advice is grateful but just please bare in mind if this post is not allowed please don’t be nasty I’m generally struggling right now

Hope you have a better night tonight, op and manage to sleep.
Look after yourself and make sure you get some nourishment inside
you if you can. Little and often is the best way I think.

I have no experience so won't offer any advice as I can't even imagine what you're going through. All I will say is, I hope you find peace It's disgusting what the woman said to you, whether you're 3 weeks pregnant, 20 weeks or 40, they are still your baby.

I'm currently in bed, with server stomach pains and I have to take injections for blood clotting, my stomach is soo bruised and it's currently bleeding! I'm so sleepy but I just can't switch off, everytime I do I feel as though Sofia-Lou is still inside of me as I think I can feel kicks so it stops me, then my heads starts racing 100000mile an hour thinking it was all just a nasty dream and I've just woke up and my baby is still inside me, then I realise I'm bleeding and it's all just a living nightmare! 😭😭😭😭

Please talk to your GP. I'm a GP and would see you F2F in a heartbeat

Well I phoned my midwife and she said the brusing and bleeding is normal but the pains, I've taken paracetamol and there not even touching the sides, it's just one thing after another, I'm so run down😭😭

@Mamaofbabyboy19

I'm so sorry what you're going through. Just know that the women on mumsnet are there for you ❤️ Your beautiful daughter knows how much you love her and care for her and she's absolutely safe in heaven now. You're a wonderful mother and woman.

Thank you o really appreciate that!❤️❤️❤️

@Mamaofbabyboy19

You're welcome, lovely. Are there any miscarriage/stillbirth support groups in your area? Or could you join one online?

I know you said you didn't have any family or friends, but do you have any good neighbours that could perhaps be there for you and cook some food for you?

It really worries me that you're totally alone with this, because I think you could do with some human company now, a hug or at least someone sitting with you or cooking food for you.

I've just moved into my new flat, from temporary accommodation and what I no of my new neighbours they like to drink a lot of alcohol and have parties every night of the week. I no it sounds like I'm making it sound so bad but please believe me when I say this is my life and I literally have no one 😭😭😭😭

I have online support groups but atm it's not helping talking on here knowing how many kind people they are helps but the ones with all the other grieving mums I feel for them because we are all in the same boat but some of them actually went full term or got to have a few hours/days/weeks/months with there babies and it makes me feel bad for being so down about my Sofia-Lou I know that sounds so stupid but it's true 😭😭😭😭

@Mamaofbabyboy19

I'm very sorry to hear that your neighbours are no good.

I hope you can manage to catch a little of sleep tonight and if you wake up and can't sleep and need to talk, keep posting on here. There's always someone around to chat, day and night. xxx

@Mamaofbabyboy19

Don't be silly, your feelings are absolutely valid. What you're going through is absolute hell and it's totally normal to feel how you feel. Your baby is your child, no matter at how many weeks you lose them. xxx

Hi I've just read this thread , my love and thoughts with you and your lovely little family and I'm so sorry for your loss , I wish I could take your pain for a day to give you a break it must be so exhausting , try and eat and drink and get some vitamins and get some fresh air each day to keep your strength up and look after yourself xx

Morning OP, hope you got some sleep and your tummy is a wee bit better.

It's sunny here, hope you've got the sun with you too, and you can go to park with your son.

Thinking of you ❤️

Morning

Oh that bruise looks so sore. Did anyone advise you on how best to do the blood clotting injections? There's a few tricks the MWs showed me. You can do them in your thigh, not just your belly, and if you pinch and pull up the skin then jab yourself and keep holding the skin for a few seconds after the jab you should prevent too much bruising

Also, please do not compare your griefs to other people's ❤ it doesn't make yours any less real or valid if someone else lost an older baby/child at all.

Well I've decided that while my little man is in nursery I'm going to fill that time with sleeping and trying to rest since I'm not sleeping on a nighttime at all & on a night time when little one is asleep I'm going to be decorating my flat, I can paint and wallpaper so I'm going to take my time with it to last over several weeks to keep me occupied! Yesterday I did my sons name for his wall and I love it, but I kept my mind thinking about other things! As for eating, I'm having snacks throughout the day. I'm making meals for my son as if I was cooking for us both and I'm freezing the rest of the meal so nothing is going to waste. As for Sofia-Lou she's still at maternity hospital but I'm unable to see her because I'm waiting for them to move her to the funeral place which is annoying because I just want her with me now at home😭I'm getting worked up about not seeing her since Sunday! And I no my grief is just as valid as someone's else's who had there child full term or whatever but it still makes me sad and kind of jealous if that sounds weird/disgusting/horrible I'm not sure, but they got to hear there babies first cry, bum change, breast feed whatever and I will never hear her cry, never have the bond I had with my son breastfeeding 😩😭 Christopher my son however is keeping me entertained, he was dancing this morning with nothing on and he said "look mama, Willy" and well that cracked me up! But I'm still so super grateful for you guys checking in on me every day and night🥺😭makes me feel like there are still kind people in the world 😘 😘 xxx

The wall decoration for your son looks lovely, op.
Glad your son is entertaining you he sounds a little sweetheart.

Fingers crossed for you that you hear from the funeral home very soon.

That decoration is lovely! Brilliant you've found an outlet, hope it helps.

And actually yes I completely get that odd sense of jealousy, you'll find many others who have experienced loss have also a great variety of unexpected emotions and feeling and thoughts. I was very glad for the SANDS app forum as I felt like a complete freak before so many people on there reassured me. To give you an idea of one of my awful jealousy things, I found it really difficult when my friend who had a stillborn said "at least you got to see him alive" a few weeks after my son had died because all I felt like screaming back was "at least you didn't have to watch your son in pain and fighting for his whole life". Grief really twists your mind about I find

14 years on from a full term stillbirth I can honestly say SANDS kept me alive on more than one occasion. There was ALWAYS someone tolisten who either got it completely or at least partly.
They have become friends for life.

Take each moment as it comes and be nice to yourself. Somethings can wait

Well I've had another set back today, decorating and just minding my own with my music on and the post man come to drop off my post and I receive this for my little Sofia m-Lou😭😭 it's just one thing after another everyday there is something and it's getting unbearable 😭 how insensitive and unprofessional from the hospital though 😭💔

Hi @Mamaofbabyboy19. Sending you so much love as you cope through this devastating loss. Please know that you have an entire community here to whom you can reach out. I cannot even begin to imaging the pain and the heartache. We will light a candle for your little girl, you and your little boy.
If you'd like to send a private message as well, feel free to reach out to me.
xxx

@mamatobabyboy19

That decoration looks absolutely beautiful. What a great idea to decorate your flat and your little boy sounds lovely.

I'm sorry you received that letter from your GP.

I think you should speak to them, OP, so that they won't send you any more letters like this and also perhaps they could offer you some support if you speak to your GP.

Thank you and yes he is, he's amazing in his own unique way l, this is Christopher and he's just simply amazing!

Yes I phoned the gp and they have noted on system now but it should of never really happened in the first place tbh, it took me by surprise and knocked me again. Went to pick up my son from school emotional and distressed, they could see that which was awful. 😭💔

I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your baby girl. You sound like an amazing mummy to your Christopher.

Your little girl was always surrounded by your love for her.

Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes in it.

There is always someone on here, if you need support.