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Premature birth

Connect with others and find premature birth support.

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Original poster

I’m really struggling but not sure if I’m allowed to post this

98 replies

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 15/05/2021 23:19

Trigger warning as I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about this but I seriously need help!!

I’ve just got out of hospital 15-05-21 after giving birth to my daughter who was born at 17 weeks old obviously she didn’t survive due to her having megacystis which is an extended bladder condition that was effecting her kidneys! I give birth to her naturally and I held her for 15 hours untill I said my goodbyes and I left the hospital, now that I’ve gone I’ve had 8 panic attacks and I’ve been sick 5/6 times! I don’t no what to do how to deal with this pain, I have a 2 year old boy that really needs his mama and I’m struggling to be his mama and feel the way I do right now 😭 please any advice is grateful but just please bare in mind if this post is not allowed please don’t be nasty I’m generally struggling right now

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SteveArnottsCodeine · 15/05/2021 23:21

I’m so sorry. I don’t have any experience of this, but of course you’re struggling. Have you got the care of a midwife/team of midwives? If you do you need to phone them urgently- or your partner does- otherwise you need to get in touch with out of hours. You will need support both in terms of people and maybe some kind of talking therapy and maybe some drugs in the short term.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Good luck, lovely.

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 15/05/2021 23:22

I’m not sure really they have give me numbers but nobody is there right now and I don’t no who to talk to

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exexpat · 15/05/2021 23:28

Did the hospital put you in touch with Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death charity)? They have a helpline, support groups and an online community of people who have been where you are.

www.sands.org.uk

Does your partner or family know how you are feeling?

TwittleBee · 15/05/2021 23:29

You have just gone through so much and still are going through it all now. You've just lost your daughter Do be kind to yourself.

It is perfectly normal to have these suddenly huge and extreme emotions (but equally, it can be very normal to find that they unexpectedly go away and you almost feel detached from it all so don't be too freaked out if that happens too).

You can talk to us on here. Do give some of those numbers a go and calling if you feel up to vocalising your struggles.

idontlikealdi · 15/05/2021 23:31

Oh I'm sorry. SANDS and Bliss should be able to provide constructive support

NakedBanana · 15/05/2021 23:35

Oh darling this is what mnet is best for. Helping, supporting and advising. You're in the right place.

I have no advice, but from one mum to another my thoughts are with you, and so hope you have some real life support too.

What did you name your baby, so I can light a wee candle for them. ❤️

toocold54 · 15/05/2021 23:48

Firstly do you have anyone that can care for your 2 year old? You need some time to grieve and heal and that’s very difficult to do with a young child around.

I’m sorry this happened to you

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 15/05/2021 23:49

I need help now and nothing is 24 hours I'm seriously struggling, I feel guilty because I have a happy healthy little boy asleep in his bed and I just can't be the mama he needs right now, but the same time I need to feel what I'm feeling right now because I no it will get bearable and I will be able to cope, but for right now I'm not eating I haven't slept since Thursday, she was born at 19:38pm I pulled her out like I did with my baby boy and it was beautiful it's just shocked me and knocked me for six because of how I'm feeling, I just didn't expect to feel this way. I just started to feel her little flutters and it was the most amazing experience ever! Just like I remembered it with my baby boy! She only weighed 85g 😭😭 she was soo small and I've just left her in hospital all alone with nobody to hold her and be there with her right now. She's just in a room all alone and I feel so guilty 😭😭 I just want my beautiful baby girl, she had her brothers little hands and feet and a little button noes! I'm absolutely devastated and it's changed me as a person, apart of me died with her. I have no support system, once we found out what was going on with her my partner asked for a divorce and he only said he was with me because it was the right thing to do by our son and now daughter but now she's gone, I'm now facing divorce on top of this

We named my beautiful little girl Sofia-Lou Violet 😭👼💗

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Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 15/05/2021 23:55

I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't understand, I was all alone when I give birth to her as my boys dad was with him, his choice not mine, I don't have any family and I don't have any friends that are willing to talk about my grief. I just feel lost and stuck and I'm so sorry to have to put my problems all over here but this was the last place to come to, I no about all the charities they give me leaflets about them all, in the hospital there is a special ward for women that go through what I just have and yet mothers who had healthy babies leaving hospital with there very much alive babies where walking through our ward to the back exit, last night I didn't sleep because all I could hear was that baby crying in my head and getting so upset because I will never hear my baby cry or move, talk or thrive in this world 😭😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:

Scissor · 15/05/2021 23:55

Samaritans are 24 hours and will be there for you right now
They are there for anyone who needs someone.
Any time any phone 116 123

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 15/05/2021 23:59

I've just phoned that number and it just rings and rings nobody answered then it hung up 😭😭

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stressfuljune · 15/05/2021 23:59

Keep trying.

minipie · 15/05/2021 23:59

Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your precious daughter. You did everything you could, you loved her, held her and gave her a beautiful name.

Tonight do you think you could snuggle up with your little boy? Maybe cuddling him might help you to sleep a bit?

And then in the morning, it would be a good idea to call SANDS who will listen. If you post in the Bereavement section here, there are sadly many women there who have had similar experiences and will offer their support and advice.

I can’t believe your partner left at such a time. I’m so sorry.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 16/05/2021 00:00

What a beautiful name. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost two babies (a boy and then a girl) at 16 weeks so I know a little of what you are going through. That was actually what brought me to mumsnet in the first place as I was sat up googling late losses as I didn’t know what else to do. Being able to talk to other people on here really helped me. I also had a toddler to look after and he helped keep me in my routine (and forced me to get up some days). But I also made time for myself to think about what I had lost and allowed myself to process it. It will get easier with time, but allow yourself to feel what you feel. Do you have any extended family nearby you can lean on?

stressfuljune · 16/05/2021 00:03

Sands have 24 hour on line presence. There maybe someone in there to chat to. You'll come through this

NavaniKholinRocks · 16/05/2021 00:08

Oh sweetheart. You have been through so much. Sending you very many virtual hugs.

As a previous poster said, do call the Samaritans. They will always listen.

It sounds like your hospital experience wasn’t managed well and is adding to the trauma you are feeling. So sorry you are dealing with all of this.

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 16/05/2021 00:16

Sands online, my account has to be verified before I am able to get onto it & I'm currently ringing Samaritans while I'm writing this but the phone keeps getting hung up so I keep trying 😭😭😭😭😭

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TheDaydreamBelievers · 16/05/2021 00:27

NHS 111 has mental health crisis teams (option 4 when you call) which are 24hr.

If you are in england, can also check here www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

I am so sorry @Mamaofbabyboy19. I cannot imagine the loss you have experienced xxx

wotchhha · 16/05/2021 05:55

I'm so sorry

Rainbowqueeen · 16/05/2021 06:06

Keep trying
In the meantime post on here. There is a ways someone available to chat.

The way you feel is perfectly normal, there is no need to feel guilty that you should be happy that you have one child.

Do you think you could manage some hot sweet tea?
Sending hugs.

NakedBanana · 16/05/2021 07:49

@Mamaofbabyboy19 did you manage to get through to anyone?

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 16/05/2021 10:57

I managed to sleep for a little while, I had about 2/3 hours then was up with my little boy and he I'm guessing could feel there was something up because he's been really cuddly and that has help a lot. I'm going to see her today and I'm going to ask if I can stay there tonight with her because I feel like I left to soon and I wasn't ready, but felt I needed to give the bed up to someone who needed it more(stupid I no) if I'm not allowed to do that then I'm going to ask if I can take her home in a cold cot and I'll bring her back tomorrow when she will be moved to the funeral home, I can't settle knowing she's on her own and it's killing me xx

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Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 16/05/2021 10:58

My bereavement midwife tried phoning me this morning so I'm going to ring her back now xx

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SunnySpills · 16/05/2021 11:20

Sorry you're going through this terrible time, op.
I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to give you
a hand to hold.

Original poster

Mamaofbabyboy19 · 16/05/2021 12:41

I'm off to see my baby right now and I'm going to take her home with me in a cold cot! I don't want to leave her alone anymore 😭

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