I’m really struggling but not sure if I’m allowed to post this

[Mamaofbabyboy19]

Trigger warning as I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about this but I seriously need help!!

I’ve just got out of hospital 15-05-21 after giving birth to my daughter who was born at 17 weeks old obviously she didn’t survive due to her having megacystis which is an extended bladder condition that was effecting her kidneys! I give birth to her naturally and I held her for 15 hours untill I said my goodbyes and I left the hospital, now that I’ve gone I’ve had 8 panic attacks and I’ve been sick 5/6 times! I don’t no what to do how to deal with this pain, I have a 2 year old boy that really needs his mama and I’m struggling to be his mama and feel the way I do right now 😭 please any advice is grateful but just please bare in mind if this post is not allowed please don’t be nasty I’m generally struggling right now

Have you been able to speak to your bereavement midwife yet? Glad you’ve been able to spend time with your little one

I’m so sorry. If you look on Facebook your local SANDS should have an active group and a befriender will respond to your join request and be able to arrange for someone for you to talk to.

Hoping you are ok, OP

Bless your heart, hope it goes smoothly for you.

Did you manage to get in touch with the bereavement midwife, op?

Thinking of you. ❤️

Yea I went to see her today but I changed my mind about bringing her home just because of my two year old. I've sat with her all day and I sung to her, talked to her, said everything I needed to say, kissed her 10000000 times and most importantly told her I love her a millions times and then some! I'm a lot better now I feel like I've done everything I can up untill this point and now I'm making things to go into her casket on her final journey to heaven and I have some beautiful little things that I'm so happy with, I've ate today I'm going to have a hot bath and take a sleeping tablet to help me tonight but I feel like I can breathe again! ❤️ thank you everyone for your help and support I appreciate it from you all and thank you, I still have a long way to go but for now I'm kinda at peace knowing I've done everything I can up untill now, now I'm just going to make sure she has the perfect send off like she deserves 💗💗

So glad your visit went well and you've found solace in being with your sweet baby girl, op.

You poor darling. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for telling us about Sofia-Lou she sounds beautiful. I’m glad the bereavement midwife has been in touch.
Do keep reaching out to SANDS.
I know you say you don’t have any friends but if you were my friend I would be more than happy to listen, to come stay with you, to look after your little boy. Perhaps people are not contacting you because they feel they need to respect your privacy or give you space but it might be worth trying to contact someone if you think there’s any chance they would be supportive. And of course keep posting here.
Thinking of you and sending love xx

Honestly that message brought tears to my eyes thank you so much! It's amazing how much people you don't even no can have such an impact on your life and last night and today those messages have helped me soo much❤️❤️

Morning mamaofbabyboy19 how are you today? I know it's a silly question, as you'll not be feeling great, but just want you to know an anonymous mum off the internet is thinking of you, Sofia-Lou and your son.

Did you get through to any of the telephone support numbers you were given?

Thank you so much❤️❤️

I haven't spoke to anyone yet as I don't feel like talking is going to help as weird as that sounds because I'm talking to all your guys on here for everyone to see, but I'm just simply texting my internet mums and for now this is helping me.🥰

I didn't sleep well had about 2/3 hours but I had to be up because I wanted to take my son back to nursery today, it's the only break I'm getting and he is there for a few hours so it gives me time which I'm thankful for.

Yesterday leaving Sofia-Lou was a lot easier than Saturday for sure, I felt more at peace, whereas Saturday I felt like I could of done and said more to her but I did all what I think I needed to do yesterday I spent 4/5 hours with her, talked to her, sung to her, and it felt sad but better.

Thank you for checking up on me you don't understand how grateful and thankful to you I am right now as this is my only support, if I could give you all a token of my gratitude, I would spend the rest of my life doing so❤️❤️❤️

If you dont feel ready for talking in person yet, then it is perfectly okay to be using forums like this one or the SANDS app forum (really recommend it).

Sometimes it can be easier to get words and feelings out via text, especially when it feels more like a safe space to express when you don't have to speak. And it can be hard bringing yourself to vocalise.

Although, I do suggest you give it a go when you feel able to

Thank you I will talk vocally soon I'm just not there yet but I have an amazing team working with me from the hospital it's just there only available on weekdays and I think not having that on a weekend is what's going to kill me.

But for now I have a Facebook group for the sands and this and I seem to be okay with that for now meaning I've not have a panic attack in nearly 24 hours so I'm doing a lot better

But I can't express my gratitude for Mumsnet right now, they sent me an email privately after they have seen my post and they have reached out to me with support so it's amazing how much people come together in times of there need and I'm forever grateful for that xxx

Op I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sofia-Lou is a beautiful name. I'm so glad being with her helped you. We are all here for you, but I'm sure there are people in RL who would want to be there for you too. Don't feel guilty for your feelings and your son, he is still very young and it's really important you look after yourself right now also. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, so be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your lovely message but unfortunately I don't have anyone in real life, no family or friends it's just me and my son. But I was ok with that before Sofia but now I no the value of friendship because a friend would be amazing right now 😭

Well you've got us online friends. I know not the same but we're here. Night or day!

Friends will come along when things, post covid, get back to normal. Mums and Tots groups etc.

You're doing amazing and wish I could give you a great big hug!

Thank you, I'm struggling tonight I've took a sleeping tablet and it's just not settling me whatsoever I've had a bath things like that but nothing is helping, I've had a panic attack, Im just alone and I'm so upset I've moved my boy into my bed for comfort but he doesn't like that and was unsettled so I've put him back in his bed which is sad but he likes his space like I do. It's just a really sad time and I'm struggling again because I'm unable to see her again untill she is moved to the funeral place and I'm not sure when that will be 😭😭

Nights will be hardest OP. Nothing to distract you and too much time to think
I think you’re doing amazingly well. I’m so pleased you have made contact with Sands.

You are in my thoughts

Well I made contact with sands and there's another number to call the crisis line for when you struggling through the night, so I spoke to them last night and the women was so bloody awful, I was telling her about my situation and my beautiful daughter and she turned around and said aww it's not like you were pregnant for that long you was only 17 weeks not even a baby and then hung the phone up!😭😭😭I still had to birth my child like I did my son, I still had to feel contractions like I did with my son, I chose not to have pain relief because I felt like I didn't deserve it, my beautiful daughter had ten fingers, ten toes, a mouth eyes nose, everything a baby would have she was just so small!! How dare that women say something like that! I'm so angry and upset today and at 2am when I had that phone call it did not help me sleep at all I was traumatised at what she had said😭💔🥺🤬

I am so so so sorry you had that. That is not acceptable to ever say. Anything that starts with "at least..." or is similar to that is not okay at all.

Are you open to listening to podcasts?

P.S. I had something similar when I had Petals counselling, the woman said "at least you're still young, you can try again". I tried writing that comment off as a one time thing, but I actually fell pregnant pretty quick and her response was "there you go, you'll have another baby to fix it" !?! I did put in a formal complaint and they've since done further training. It might be worth you doing the same, if you're able to have the strength and time to do that.

If you dont, don't fret over it at all. It is totally okay to be putting your own health first right now. Everything can seem so impossibly hard at the start of your grief journey

That is awful awful awful @Mamaofbabyboy19 I'm so sorry. What a terrible woman. If you feel you have the strength to complain, please do.

That's absolutely terrible what the woman said to you -.she definitely deserves a complaint about her but obviously it depends on whether you're feeling up to that. Please don't let it put you off reaching out. Well done for putting your little boy in nursery to get a break too, you need to look after yourself.

Are you managing to eat?

I was in actual shock and I couldn't believe what I'd just heard so I asked her again what she had said and she said it again! I went mad, and I don't even feel bad for it because that was disgusting, I don't think in my hour of need throughout the nighttime I'll be making any phone calls I don't care how bad I feel, she made me feel worse than I did to begin with and in a nighttime is when it's the worse for me, I've had soup today but again I was sick, I'm just drinking ALOT of water right now but I'm trying everyday. I felt bad for putting my son back at nursery but the only way to have a break is to make the 5 min walk to his nursery even if it's only for 4 hours 5 days a week but it's helping I go back to sleep when he isn't here so that's okay but again thank you all so much for your support I'm forever grateful ❤️