I’m really struggling but not sure if I’m allowed to post this

[Mamaofbabyboy19]

Trigger warning as I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about this but I seriously need help!!

I’ve just got out of hospital 15-05-21 after giving birth to my daughter who was born at 17 weeks old obviously she didn’t survive due to her having megacystis which is an extended bladder condition that was effecting her kidneys! I give birth to her naturally and I held her for 15 hours untill I said my goodbyes and I left the hospital, now that I’ve gone I’ve had 8 panic attacks and I’ve been sick 5/6 times! I don’t no what to do how to deal with this pain, I have a 2 year old boy that really needs his mama and I’m struggling to be his mama and feel the way I do right now 😭 please any advice is grateful but just please bare in mind if this post is not allowed please don’t be nasty I’m generally struggling right now

Thank you for your very kind words, Christopher and Sofia are both very much loved❤️ I can't live without my Christopher, he is just a beautiful little soul inside and out, kind and caring. Definitely a mummy's boy for sure. Sofia-Lou I love her from the second I found out I was pregnant until my last breathe on this earth! She was to sweet and pure for this cruel world so god needed her for whatever reason, I'm not a religious person but I've found some peace in god doesn't give us more than we can handle, that has helped me and is getting me through this along with my baby boy 💙

How are you today OP? I don't know if you've realised but you've changed username, so your name isn't a different colour to everyone else's.

Oh I wasn't aware of this, I wanted to change it but then I just kept it the same. I'm still struggling so bad to sleep 😭💔 my night has been so bad tonight because my mind is just running wild again, I have a phone call tomorrow to plan Sofia's funeral which I'm so scared for, I've never had to plan one never mind for a child of mine🥺😭💔

Oh,OP no one should have to bury their child.

You seem a very creative person, do you have a feeling of what you want for the funeral?
If you don't I'm sure the person you are speaking to will be able to help you plan.

I hope you get some sleep.

Thank you, yesterday was just to much for me and I ended up in hospital with dehydration and exhaustion the put me on a drip for fluids and sedated me so I could sleep that was at 7am in the morning I woke up about 1 hour ago and I still feel like crap but I do have energy my boy was with his dad last night and tonight as I have to stay in for more fluids.

If you no anyone that's alone and going through a hard time please check in on them if it wasn't for my neighbour ringing the police because she heard a Big Bang (which is were I passed out and fell to the ground and she could hear my boy crying for over an hour, which I feel so guilty about😭😭) the police walked into my flat because apparently I hadn't locked the door and they found me and took my baby boy to his dads house! My son is fine and he's forgot about it already but I was rushed to hospital and I'm now okayish, so don't no how long I'm in here for but I no I'm so grateful for the nhs, police service and my neighbour I don't no who she is but I'm thankful for her 😭💔 these past 2 weeks have been horrible and the worse of my life😭💔

@mamatobabyboy19

Thank you, yesterday was just to much for me and I ended up in hospital with dehydration and exhaustion the put me on a drip for fluids and sedated me so I could sleep that was at 7am in the morning I woke up about 1 hour ago and I still feel like crap but I do have energy my boy was with his dad last night and tonight as I have to stay in for more fluids.

If you no anyone that's alone and going through a hard time please check in on them if it wasn't for my neighbour ringing the police because she heard a Big Bang (which is were I passed out and fell to the ground and she could hear my boy crying for over an hour, which I feel so guilty about😭😭) the police walked into my flat because apparently I hadn't locked the door and they found me and took my baby boy to his dads house! My son is fine and he's forgot about it already but I was rushed to hospital and I'm now okayish, so don't no how long I'm in here for but I no I'm so grateful for the nhs, police service and my neighbour I don't no who she is but I'm thankful for her 😭💔 these past 2 weeks have been horrible and the worse of my life😭💔

My boy was with his dad this morning not last night **

@mamatobaby19

Hi OP,

I've just seen your update. That's absolutely horrible what you went through and thank God for your neighbour who was thinking straight and noticed something wasn't right.

Please look after yourself and it's so good that Christopher's dad can look after him.

Your son is adorable. I love the picture of you two.

Thank you and yes thank god for them 😭❤️💔

Oh poor you!!! At least you are being looked after and so is Christopher x get some rest x

That sounds really horrible OP.
I hope you are feeling better today and have had a chance to rest.

@Mamaofbabyboy19 I may be wrong but I'm on a group that you are in on face book I recognise baby's name, if you are the person I think you are, your baby is absolutely beautiful, I am doing the walk and will be thinking of you every step of the way, here if you need to talk to, can private message you on Facebook if you would like but that's entirely up to you I won't message unless you want me to, thinking of you ❤️ I'm so sorry for your loss xxxxxxxx

Thank you so much 😭💔 yes I think you have the right person ❤️ the support system is everywhere and that is overwhelming but good if that makes sense 😭💔

I've just run my self into the ground which tbh I thought this was going to happen soonier but I can't be away from my baby boy he needs his mama and tomorrow when I'm out I will definitely be making it up to him for sure😭 thank you again if you commented on Sofia-lou's post I'm forever thankful and greatful for that!❤️❤️ and if you have suffered a loss I'm so sorry we meet in these circumstances but I'm going to try my best and support others so this doesn't happen because I'm broken and I need to fix myself 😭💔 and it's horrible when you have a tiny human that is here and depending on you to be okay❤️❤️

Yes you can message me on Facebook that's not a problem ❤️🙏🏽😭💔

@mamatobabyboy19 I've messaged you on fb, it may be in your message requests, Sofia Lou is absolutely beautiful ❤️
I hope you will complain that you got sent that letter that is awful, they have been really really insensitive Xxxx

OP, I'm not completely sure how to how to phrase this but you aren't broken.
It may feel like you are.
But actually you are responding to trauma in the way that the human body is set up to.
What you are dealing with is horrible but the way you are managing is absolutely okay and normal.

Well I feel broken that's for sure 😭💔 but I will start from now taking care of my self probably because my baby boy needs me so much right now 🥺❤️

So sorry you're going through this.

Here is a reading from my friends baby's funeral. Maybe you'll find some comfort in it. I thought it was so beautiful

The Unfinished

We cannot judge a biography by its length,
Nor by the number of pages in it.
We must Judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant.

We cannot judge a song by it's duration
Nor by the number of it's notes
We must Judge it by the way it touches and lifts our souls
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful.

And when something has enriched your life
And when it's melody lingers on in your heart
Is it unfinished?
Or is it endless?

@mamatobabyboy19

Hi OP, I hope you're doing okay and I wish you a good night and hope you can get some rest - sleep well

Hi, I am thinking of you. Inhave been in a similar situation and sending you lots of love x

Thank you everyone, I'm home now and I'm well rested that's for sure, gonna have a bath and go to bed. I can't wait to see my son in the morning he's asleep and I didn't see him before he went to bed so that made me sad but it's just gonna make it more exciting to see him in the morning 🥺💙

Keep checking in OP to see how you're doing, been thinking of you. Hope you're doing OK and taking care of yourself x

Op. I am so sorry for your loss

Sending love x

Thank you, I was supposed to go see Sofia today but my ex husband let me down for a lift, my little boy was picked up from nursery with a seriously high temp and a bad cough, doctor told me he has to have a covid test done and he also thinks it could be something related to his chest, ie chest infection something like that, his temp hasn't been down to normal since 2pm this afternoon and I now have to wait for the results to come back for his covid test or I have to have another day away from Sofia, which now will be 10 days😭💔 things just are not getting easier for me right now 😭🥺💔