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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Abortion but planning TTC in next 6 months

104 replies

Lifelyk · 28/09/2023 16:12

Apologies but posting her for traffic as pregnancy choices is really quiet.
I am thinking of abortion with my current early pregnancy at 5 weeks but ttc again in 6 months.
I have a 2 yo DC and I want to finish my studies due Dec 2024 and plan a baby for Jan/Feb 2025. I am so unsure at this point on what to do if I couldn't conceive then as I am 34 and will be 35 then.
Any suggestions are appreciated.

OP posts:
NewName122 · 28/09/2023 19:23

I'm not against abortion at all. Had one myself. It seems fucked up though to abort a child then plan to have one 6 months later.

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 19:26

Simonlebonbon · 28/09/2023 18:42

I had an abortion at 17, then struggled to conceive in my 20s.
Then had a baby at 30 which I felt was a miracle, however I then got pregnant a year after with contraception.
Then I had a loss, then got pregnant at 36 quite unexpectedly.

As pro choice as I am and I am 100%, I have struggled with guilt and I was convinced my not conceiving was a "punishment", older and wiser and understand that isn't true, but still, very very hard to not beat yourself up.

I admire the women on here who share their experience and they were able to see it for what it is, a medical procedure and nothing to carry guilt and shame about, nothing at all.
I maybe now at my age not struggle as I did in my younger days, however I do think it's important to consider your feelings afterwards because you don't want that interference with your studies or family, you having a mental health episode, which unless you're very sure of your choice, it may create.

Fertility is never a given but I'd seek reassurance from your GP about the TTC after the termination. It may put your mind and ease and give you a sense of what's best for you.

I'm glad your DH is supportive and best of luck OP, the choice has to be what's best for you, just always remember that!

I admire the women on here who share their experience and they were able to see it for what it is, a medical procedure and nothing to carry guilt and shame about, nothing at all.

I think this is simply naïve. Abortion isn't any old medical procedure. More often than not, it does come with at least some degree of emotional baggage, and women considering an abortion deserve to know this as much as they deserve to know about all the other aspects of it. It's not like getting kidney stones removed or something. Even if, rationally, you don't think it's anything to feel guilty about, feelings can't always be "talked to", and abortion regret can be a crippling thing to live with.

Original poster
Lifelyk · 28/09/2023 19:29

I am looking at options to make it work and obviously I don't want to do it.but, it's been a difficult journey so far juggling life and work after DC1.

OP posts:
CarrotJanice · 28/09/2023 19:32

@Lifelyk I don't know your situation but are you studying for the purpose of a promotion/ new role? If so would you want to qualify and then have a baby straight away? Or would the plan be study, qualify, baby, use education to get a better job?

PollyAmour · 28/09/2023 19:39

Personally, I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy if I was planning another child. You can't guarantee you will get pregnant to order next time. Your body, your choice though.

rosesandcandlelight · 28/09/2023 19:43

I was about the same age you would have been with your first pregnancy when I conceived my own DC1. It was quick, easy, absolutely no problems. And I was the age you are now when I began TTC DC2. Several years of secondary infertility later, and I still haven't managed to have a second. It's been an incredible shock after the experience conceiving DC1, and the grief of infertility is soul-destroying. I have blamed myself so many times for not somehow doing it all earlier. I can't imagine how I would be feeling now if I'd had an abortion before TTC DC2.

I'm obviously not saying this will happen to you, but secondary infertility is real, not talked about nearly enough imo, and can be utterly devastating. Worth bearing in mind as you make your decision.

Snugglemonkey · 28/09/2023 19:44

This is not about what others think, it is about the right choice for you.

I completely support a woman's right to choose, at any point in pregnancy.

I tend towards being anxious though. I have also struggled with infertility and it sucks. I could not cope if I had lost my chance for dc2. So I wouldn't terminate. Fo you think you could be OK with potentially dealing with infertility? That would be the big question to me.

RedRobyn2021 · 28/09/2023 19:48

The timing is slightly (6 months) inconvenient, I mean, I wouldn't abort my own baby because they weren't come exactly on my schedule.

You can't plan life this precisely. If you want another baby here you go.

Moonlightdust · 28/09/2023 19:51

ZenNudist · 28/09/2023 18:59

This makes no sense. Abort a healthy foetus and then hope to get pregnant just 6 months later. You aren't that young. I wouldn't think it was a great idea if you were 10 years younger but it's a real risk at 34 that it won't happen for you again.

I've had lots of friends struggle with secondary infertility in their 30s. It really got them down.

Abortion isn't contraception. I'd just make it work with your studies. Sorry if thus sounds harsh.

I agree

starymoon · 28/09/2023 19:52

I'm very much your body your choice and support anyone woman for making that decision for whatever reason she has, however, I do wonder if you'd regret it. Especially if you couldn't have another. I have had a termination and it is very difficult emotionally.

However, I started a masters with a 1 year old and then number 2 surprised me, I carried on throughout pregnancy and after having him. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't impossible. It takes a lot of determination but I just wanted to say, it's possible to do both! It isn't forever; you know when it's going to end and you just push through with the motivation that you are actually making a better future for your babies.

You will make the right decision for you!

GooseClues · 28/09/2023 21:06

You also need to think about your plans after you finish the course. Will you want to get a new job/change roles?

Usually the best time to make a move is right after graduation, while the knowledge is fresh for interviews and you still have contacts from the course. If you have a baby right after graduation then you lose that high while you’re on mat leave and then need to adjust to being a mom of 2 while prepping for interviews or going through a trial period at a new job.
Taking time out before finishing your studies might actually be the better career move long term.

Sounds like your original plan was “finish studies then have a baby” and this pregnancy threw you off but you need to look further. What happens once you have your your degree and 2 kids?

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:17

Some bonkers comments on this thread.

You’re either pro choice or you’re not. You can’t say “I think you can terminate for any reason but…”

Easy access to a safe abortion allows women to make choices that best fit with their lives, which includes things like getting through studies without the stress of a toddler and a baby. OP has every right to make her life easier by accessing an abortion. It’s not only available to women who can’t afford a baby / have health problems, it’s available to all women for any reason.

Oh and OP is 35, not 45. Scaremongering about fertility is ridiculous.

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:19

ZenNudist · 28/09/2023 18:59

This makes no sense. Abort a healthy foetus and then hope to get pregnant just 6 months later. You aren't that young. I wouldn't think it was a great idea if you were 10 years younger but it's a real risk at 34 that it won't happen for you again.

I've had lots of friends struggle with secondary infertility in their 30s. It really got them down.

Abortion isn't contraception. I'd just make it work with your studies. Sorry if thus sounds harsh.

What foetus? OP is 5 weeks pregnant.

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 21:21

it’s available to all women for any reason.

Technically it’s not. Unless the 1967 Act has been amended without me noticing.

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:23

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 21:21

it’s available to all women for any reason.

Technically it’s not. Unless the 1967 Act has been amended without me noticing.

In practice, it is available to all women for any reason.

And it’s about time the law caught up and abortion was decriminalised, but that’s a whole other discussion.

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:41

People need to stop disallowing any nuance when it comes to talking to women about the reality of abortion and the emotional impact it can have. If telling a woman that abortion regret is a real, and common, phenomena means you aren't really "pro-choice", who cares?? "Pro-choice" is just a word. It isn't some sacred title that we should all be terrified of being stripped of. That's not conducive to healthy, open and honest conversation. If a woman asks your advice about having an abortion, and you stick your head in the sand and say "sorry, if I tell you about abortion regret I might not be allowed to call myself pro-choice anymore", that's just selfish and means you're more worried about being on the "right side" than actually helping women.

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:43

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:41

People need to stop disallowing any nuance when it comes to talking to women about the reality of abortion and the emotional impact it can have. If telling a woman that abortion regret is a real, and common, phenomena means you aren't really "pro-choice", who cares?? "Pro-choice" is just a word. It isn't some sacred title that we should all be terrified of being stripped of. That's not conducive to healthy, open and honest conversation. If a woman asks your advice about having an abortion, and you stick your head in the sand and say "sorry, if I tell you about abortion regret I might not be allowed to call myself pro-choice anymore", that's just selfish and means you're more worried about being on the "right side" than actually helping women.

This was in response to Usernamen saying "you're either pro-choice or your not". Most unhelpful thing ever.

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:51

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:41

People need to stop disallowing any nuance when it comes to talking to women about the reality of abortion and the emotional impact it can have. If telling a woman that abortion regret is a real, and common, phenomena means you aren't really "pro-choice", who cares?? "Pro-choice" is just a word. It isn't some sacred title that we should all be terrified of being stripped of. That's not conducive to healthy, open and honest conversation. If a woman asks your advice about having an abortion, and you stick your head in the sand and say "sorry, if I tell you about abortion regret I might not be allowed to call myself pro-choice anymore", that's just selfish and means you're more worried about being on the "right side" than actually helping women.

How is imposing opinions such as “this is crazy” or “this is cold” helping women?

I completely agree we should normalise talking about abortion - the good and the bad, just as I think we should normalise talking about a lot of things women may feel embarrassed/ashamed to talk about.

Boomboom22 · 28/09/2023 21:56

If pro choice means anytime for any reason really late then I think very very few people would be pro choice anymore.

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:56

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:51

How is imposing opinions such as “this is crazy” or “this is cold” helping women?

I completely agree we should normalise talking about abortion - the good and the bad, just as I think we should normalise talking about a lot of things women may feel embarrassed/ashamed to talk about.

Show quote history

Well the poster isn't "women". It's one woman in one particular situation, and the commenters are drawing on their wide and vast experiences to tell her that, all things considered, from their experience, having an abortion in this scenario is a crazy idea. And that's perfectly legitimate, honest advice. She doesn't have to follow it. It's much kinder to tell her this than to say you don't want to risk losing the sacred "pro-choice" status by suggesting an abortion might be a crazy thing to do in this scenario.

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 21:59

Yellowlily8 · 28/09/2023 21:56

Well the poster isn't "women". It's one woman in one particular situation, and the commenters are drawing on their wide and vast experiences to tell her that, all things considered, from their experience, having an abortion in this scenario is a crazy idea. And that's perfectly legitimate, honest advice. She doesn't have to follow it. It's much kinder to tell her this than to say you don't want to risk losing the sacred "pro-choice" status by suggesting an abortion might be a crazy thing to do in this scenario.

Show quote history

But that’s their opinion. I highly doubt every poster who responded in that way has experience of abortion regret. They were just being judgmental and unhelpful.

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 21:59

Thank you for saying that @Yellowlily8. It needed saying.

Illbebythesea · 28/09/2023 22:05

@vasco

If you like. Plenty of people on this thread are agreeing though, so seems my opinion is not so unusual.

Usernamen · 28/09/2023 22:06

Boomboom22 · 28/09/2023 21:56

If pro choice means anytime for any reason really late then I think very very few people would be pro choice anymore.

Well, pro-choice really has to mean any reason, doesn’t it. Who decides what’s a ‘good’ reason? If you don’t think that should be the women whose body it is, then no, you’re not pro-choice.

I think people should be honest and admit they’re not pro-choice, they only support reasons that ‘sit right’ with them, and don’t support any other reason women may have to seek an abortion.

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 22:08

Pro choice is open to interpretation. Yours is at the end of the spectrum. It doesn’t make you right. And this is the wrong thread on which to debate it. You’re derailing which is of no help at all to @Lifelyk.