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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
Lexie365 · 18/09/2023 10:50

I am so so sorry this has happened💔Please reconsider the abortion. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get over this and him in time but I really truly believe if you have an abortion this late you will regret it for the rest of your life. Give yourself time to heal❤ none of this was your fault, try to remember that x

DelilahBucket · 18/09/2023 10:54

I think you are right to consider whether you can continue with the pregnancy alone if you already have three children and your mental health is fragile. Having a baby alone is not easy without those things in the mix.
What kind of support do you have in real life? I.e. friends/family.

LookingForPurpose · 18/09/2023 10:58

@Lexie365

What a terrible thing to say to a woman that is trying to put her three EXISTING children first. Stress openly admitted she's devastated and doesn't need you piling on your anti abiding rhetoric.

Op, you do what you need to do and do not feel any shame. What an absolute bastard to do toss to you and leave you in this state.

Greenfishy · 18/09/2023 11:01

I don’t have anything constructive to say OP as only you can make this decision.
But I am so so sorry that this is happening to you. What has the father said about the baby and possible termination?

Sirrah · 18/09/2023 11:01

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ClawedButler · 18/09/2023 11:03

Oh god I am so sorry to read this, your mind must be a tailspin.

There IS no right or wrong answer here. It's a case of "on balance".

If you go ahead with the pregnancy you will need practical and emotional support to deal with the very real impact this will have on you, the new baby, and your other children.

If you go ahead with the abortion, you will need proper counselling to deal with the emotional fallout from that - both before and after.

At the very very least you have found out his true nature. Cold comfort, I'm sure. I hope you find a way forward x

Greenberg2 · 18/09/2023 11:07

I completely understand, what a terrible situation to be in. How despicable of him. Having four children as a single mother would be extremely hard.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

newandconfused5 · 18/09/2023 11:10

@Lexie365 I think this is a valid point and it shouldn't be ignored.

I am pro choice and speaking as having an abortion myself. I had two children had a surprise 3rd pregnancy that I chose to abort.

I think too many comments rightly hang on to a women's choice to abort.. but putting thought to the emotional turmoil that may occur after abortion is valid. Equally some women may feel total relief after an abortion. Abortion is something that you cannot go back on once you have gone through with it.

To abort at 20+ weeks pregnant, knowing the sex and feeling movement etc, there could be an emotional response that could affect OP for the rest of her life.

I hope you find the strength to make the right decision for you. Give yourself time. It must be a huge shock!
Can you access some counselling before going through with the abortion? I know that some clinics offer a phone service pre/post procedure.
Really feel for you in this situation xx

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/09/2023 11:11

Really sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in OP and also sorry for the nasty individuals who have come onto your thread to try and guilt you out of having a perfectly legal abortion.

I can completely understand how torn you feel as neither option will be easy and of course you have three existing children to think of. It’s entirely your decision and a very difficult one to make, but please don’t let strangers on the internet guilt you into anything.

HJ40 · 18/09/2023 11:11

What a shit he is. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

There are no rights and wrongs, only what you think is best for yourself, for your three children and this baby, in that order.

You know how you manage as a single mum and you know what it's like having children.

If the right decision is not to proceed, then you shouldn't feel any guilt. Flowers

ActDottie · 18/09/2023 11:14

I appreciate you don’t have much time to decide but I think having covid is a good thing as it will give you a couple more days to decide what is best for you.

My initial reaction would be the same as yours and the thought of going it alone so I don’t blame you. Only you can make this decision though. Have you got any other support around you or a family member you can have a chat with?

It is horrible what this man has done. And to keep it a secret until this late in the pregnancy is unforgivable.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/09/2023 11:20

I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.

My heart goes out to you. What an absolute unequivocal lying bastard he is, doing this to you and his wife and all the children involved. None of this is your fault and you're being incredibly strong to be putting your 3 DC first in this. Sorry that you have covid on top of everything else and hope you have good friends around you to see you through this hellish time. FWIW I think you're doing the right thing. It will be tough, but not as tough as a fourth child in these circumstances. It's terrible that it's you who's suffering and not him. Please get counselling not just about the procedure but for ongoing support.

eastiseastwestiswest · 18/09/2023 11:22

What an awful situation and what a shitty person he is.

It's really hard to imagine having another baby right now because you are hurting so much but it's possible that you feel you want to end the pregnancy because of the emotion of the relationship ending and not because you don't want this baby.

Do you have other support around you? Parents? Friends? Could they help
You with the pregnancy and with your baby? Are your children supportive of a new sibling?

I am completely pro choice but aborting a baby at 22 weeks I find so hard to imagine-
I really think it would be an incredibly traumatic experience that you may find sits with you for the rest of your life. I think you would need to give birth to the baby at this stage in your pregnancy.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/09/2023 11:28

No doubt the experience will be tough, but people survive all kinds of trauma and deal with it. It's not a reason to bring a child into the world in this situation if the OP has considered her options and decided this is the best of the not-good scenarios.

bemorebernard · 18/09/2023 11:29

I'd chop his fucking balls off

What an utter arse of an excuse for a man .

What's he said about the baby after bing found out ?

bemorebernard · 18/09/2023 11:31

But op
Don't underestimate the trauma of termination at this stage

I had a termination for medical reasons and found it very difficult to get through

Have you had counselling? I appreciate you don't have much time but be sure

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:32

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YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/09/2023 11:32

bemorebernard · 18/09/2023 11:29

I'd chop his fucking balls off

What an utter arse of an excuse for a man .

What's he said about the baby after bing found out ?

No you wouldn’t 🙄

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:33

Please consider adoption or doing it alone you are heartbroken right now but you will recover.

Timeforchangeplease · 18/09/2023 11:35

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Pinkdelight3 · 18/09/2023 11:36

Course she knows what's involved. She's had 3 DC and is in the system with GP, MH team, Marie Stopes. She's not coming to this lightly.

NortieTortie · 18/09/2023 11:37

I am so sorry, what a complete and utter bastard!

Take the extra time to think things through. It sounds like an impossible decision. Flowers

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/09/2023 11:38

Extremely distasteful to come into a thread where the OP is clearly in a very difficult situation and try and push your own anti-choice agenda. No woman who has a late stage termination does so lightly and the OP has three existing children to consider.

igor · 18/09/2023 11:38

@Timeforchangeplease that is not a helpful comment to an op suffering.

@Soconfusedandsadx I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, I'm so sorry you're suffering. Do you have supportive family around you?

Topee · 18/09/2023 11:40

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Use the next couple of days to think through what is right for you.

A late termination can be traumatic (I know any termination can be) so arranging some counselling would be a good idea to support your mental health if you decide that’s the best route to take.

I wish you well, what a horrible man he is.