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Pregnancy choices

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Partner now wants me to abort at 13 weeks

242 replies

mumlife18 · 19/07/2022 19:36

So anyone who hasnt read any of my previous post. I found out i was having twins at week 6.
My partner and I discussed options, so i booked an appointment at the clinic. When we got there he persuaded me not to do it.
after that visit my whole mindset has changed. I just had my 12 week scan and i fell in love with them instantly.
Today my partner has changed his mind and said
i either abort them and keep the relationship or keep them and have no support what so ever from him. (We already have a 1 yr old together)
I have rebooked for friday but i feel completely shattered😞 i just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Mirw · 19/07/2022 23:37

If you want to keep your pregnancy going, tell him to take a hike! You will manage without him. You might have less material things but people get by without things. I had second/third/fourth hand furniture etc until 10 years ago, when I turned 50. My life was still a good one.
He is like a petulant chikd, his way or no way. You are worth so much more as is you existing child.

HotPenguin · 19/07/2022 23:38

I think your relationship is over whatever choice you make. Your partner sounds vile. I suggest you get some counselling to help you.

Phobiaphobic · 19/07/2022 23:40

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 19/07/2022 23:12

I haven't read the full thread and I'm only going to comment once. Sorry it's long. Sorry if it's inappropriate.

In my twenties I was in a relationship (looking back it was so obviously problematic) with the father of my first child. My second pregnancy was an unwelcome surprise. My partner instantly turned nasty, cold, aloof and told me in no uncertain terms that he not only had decided he didn't want another child, but he definitely did not want one with me (nasty shock) and I should seek a termination.

It was a cruel blow. I come from a religious background and found that hard to get past mentally, but aside from that, I kept looking at my first child and thinking that this child could have been her. I knew the reality of what a pregnancy was.

Weeks then months went past. As he continued to insist I have an abortion and time was running out, he became increasingly verbally cruel, I felt more and more low. I fell into a depression. I couldn't stop crying. I hated being pregnant which was causing me stress, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I begged and begged him to change his mind. At one point I even got on my knees in front of him, I kid you not, and his response was to coldly push me aside and storm out.

He refused and told me he would piss off abroad and I would never see him again if I went through with it. He used threats and at one point even cried like a child in front of me and accused me of ruining his life and pleaded with me to 'think of the costs, think about wanting more in life'. The very worse tactics were when he would switch and pretend to be all caring, be good partner, buy presents and hug me and then try and 'reason' me to do it.

But I knew I would have to carry the mental burden, and I would have to live with the consequences. Either way, whether I continued with the pregnancy or not, he was always freer than I was and could always leave anyway. And I knew I would hate myself if I went through with it and he pissed off anyway. I knew men are strange they will tell you to do it, then despise you afterwards anyway, as later happened to an acquaintance of mine.

I somehow got the strength to go through with it despite everything and his emotional cruelty (and that's what it is) when I gave birth, he point blank refused to attend the hospital. Didn't see our daughter except once briefly where he acted like a cold bastard.

And you know what? After all that horror and drama and making my pregnancy a living hell he eventually came round. It took six months before he held her properly.

He is today a great father to our daughter, a girl in her early twenties. You could not ever believe he was so nasty and cruel. He was the dad cheering ridiculously loudly and proudly when she graduated with a degree in Architecture a few weeks ago.

Let me tell you the end of this which is purely unique to me:

Two years after giving birth I went on to develop a severe previously undiagnosed autoimmune disease and never got pregnant again. I am now thankful I had both my children when I did, because I couldn't have had them later.

My ex is also now infertile, I don't want to go into too much detail as possibly outing.

My point is: YOU are the one who has to bear the burden of any choice. Frankly, I feel a man has no right either way to tell a woman what to do with her pregnancy and certainly not put pressure on her. A man has ZERO idea of how many different hormones and, chemical responses are going on in your body and we now know that we retain a teeny microscopically small bit of our babies dna in our brains. A man can't possibly know EVER what it would cost you either way. If you want your babies stand firm no matter what he says.

If you decide to terminate please only do so if YOU want it for YOU and your own purposes. Then you will be able to look back and feel ok with the decision.

Of course it doesn't always work out this way:.

A friend of a friend had 3 boys and terminated her pregnancy after her husband put pressure on her, telling her it was about finances, they couldn't afford another child and they had no family support as they had emigrated from Poland, well he left anyway and within a year got another woman pregnant and moved in with her and their daughter. So it was about HIM, not the situation. She was pretty pragmatic about it anyway, but said she probably wouldn't have done it without the pressure he exerted on her. He's turned out to be a shite father overall hardly has any contact with his kids, hence her pragmatism, but she does feel she didn't have full agency in the decision and that part of it bothers her even decades later. She hates her ex now. She cannot even speak to him.

So do what YOU want. Either way. Make sure it's not for a guy, because a) they can disappear anyway despite telling you it's FOR the relationship, money etc and b) they can change their minds.

I'm struggling to understand how you forgave him for how he treated you.

Manchester1990 · 19/07/2022 23:44

Please don’t abort them. Give them life and to another loving family is a better option.

Notodaynotever · 19/07/2022 23:45

Ladyannabel

You do realise you are with an abuser?

Emerald4512 · 19/07/2022 23:50

If your daughter was in this situation, what would you advise her to do?

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 23:51

I knew men are strange they will tell you to do it, then despise you afterwards anyway

Abusive men.

Not normal, decent ones.

ozymandiusking · 19/07/2022 23:52

You have your babies sweetheart! He can just fuck off. Child mainetnance will sort him out.
Bastard, you're well rid. x

THEDEACON · 19/07/2022 23:54

What a Prince amongst men You have to decide what YOU want ignore his wants and empty threats Here's what I would do though I'd throw him out of the family home with the help of Police if necessary - what he is doing is domestic abuse its emotional and financial abuse and coercive control and verbal abuse - I'd then decide whether I was having an abortion or not Noone gets to decide what happens to your body except you He has already destroyed any relationship you ever had or could have in the future it will never be the same now either way Hand holding and sending hugs

Acreativeusername · 19/07/2022 23:59

Oh my gosh this is so awful, I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Please look on the website entitledto to see you how you may financially cope. 3 under 2 is definitely going to be hard work at times… however your 1 year old will be nearly 2 by the time of birth and entitled to pre school shortly after offering you some respite. I wouldn’t usually judge anyone… but seriously your husband sounds beyond cruel . I know the logistics sounds so scary when he states he will
leave you… but do you think he’s the kinda guy to stick around through thick and thin in the future anyway? Would love to see him explain his reason for his marriage ending? “She decided to give birth to our daughters siblings”
what a scum bag …. To be honest run for the hills with all your babies … don’t doubt your capabilities … a man who impregnates his wife then makes this hideous demands/ threats is not a man you can rely on… he sounds completely emotionally unavailable and completely vile - I’m sorry to say that as I suspect you don’t feel the same…gez I thought mine was shit … but this is next level

Skodacool · 20/07/2022 00:12

A decent, loving man would not be behaving in this way.

ChampagneLassie · 20/07/2022 00:22

Oh @mumlife18 your partner sounds horrendous and I'd get rid. Obviously you know how hard having 1 child is I can't imagine having 3 on your own. As sad as abortion would be I think you've got to think about the sort of life you'll all have in particular you mentioning PND and you're 1 year old. I'd be having the abortion, getting as much out of DP as you can and then getting rid of him. I've had an abortion, it wasnt nearly as hard as I imagined, they offer counselling at the clinic too which I'd really recommend 💐

PurpleVioletBlue · 20/07/2022 00:26

WTAF?! He sounds vile. What a horrendous thing to say to your partner. Honestly, make the decision that you feel is right, but either way, please get rid of this horrible man, you deserve so much more than this, and so does your 1 year old. Do you have any other support?

CheerfulYank · 20/07/2022 00:29

Absolutely get rid…of him.

If this is how he is, he’s not a stable partner anyway. Hard things happen in life…deaths in the family, children with illnesses, employment crises, a million other things! Do you think you’ll be able to depend on him? He clearly folds at the first sign of hard going.

If you want the babies, have them. You will absolutely be okay. I’ve never had a termination myself but I know plenty of people who have, and the few didn’t really want to abort but went ahead anyway…well. It’s been extremely traumatic, I’ll just say.

For what it’s worth, I had really awful PND with my oldest. It was debilitating; it started early in my third trimester and went on until he was 4 or 5 months old. It was the most terrible time of my life, so believe me when I say I know how bad it is and how scary it can be. I had two more children after that, and I was so afraid of going back to that headspace…and I was fine. Both times, I was just fine. (Mentally anyway, with my middle one o felt seasick for 7 months! 🤢)

I don’t like to push either way (and as an American I’m mad as hell thinking of all my countrywomen who are going to be stuck having children by resentful and abusive partners due to the clusterfuck that is our Supreme Court), but in this case the love you have for these potential babies shines in your post. I really do think it would be devastating to you to terminate.

If I were you, I’d take my daughter and go stay with a supportive friend or family member for a bit. Otherwise he’ll be hammering at you constantly and trying to wear you down.

CheerfulYank · 20/07/2022 00:35

And he might not want the financial hassle, but that’s too goddamn bad. He should have either been more careful or not talked you out of the earlier, easier appointment. He will have to support this children financially and I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep over it if I were you.

what’s to say he won’t do it again anyway? You go to this appointment on Friday and he begs off again and then changes his mind and wants another. It’s abusive to behave that way to anyone, but to someone experiencing pregnancy hormones with YOUR POTENTIAL children, only a year after giving birth to YOUR DAUGHTER seems especially cruel.

Macaroni1924 · 20/07/2022 00:42

mumlife18 · 19/07/2022 20:32

No i completely understand. Thats my main priority as she has been my absolute rock since the get go. Another reason why if i am doing it alone i would have to really think anout her. I got pregnant with twins on the COPPER coil so wasnt expected

OP this is a horrible situation to be in and I really feel for you. No matter what you decide the relationship is over. How dare he speak to you like that and how can he make you choose between them and him? Please get yourself and your daughter set up happily without him.
You have said you have fallen in love with the babies so please think long and hard before you make a decision. Don’t rush into something because of him pressuring you or for fear of coping. Figure things out before you decide.

tillytown · 20/07/2022 01:03

Regardless of what you choose to do, you need to get rid of him. He is an abusive piece of shit that will grind you, and your other child, down until you are both shells of yourselves.

OldFan · 20/07/2022 01:19

@mumlife18 I have severe mental health problems so I turn to the mental health team if I need it and they help me and I get on fine. If you do get PND you can do that.

I think your mental health could suffer if you had an abortion when you already adore your little ones.

Barrica · 20/07/2022 01:22

Horrible man Vs two babies.
I could never look at him in the same way again. Write a list of what it is that he, uniquely him, not just 'a man' brings to your life?
Is he worth two babies?

Aceoftrumps · 20/07/2022 01:25

Is your partner just panicking or just a selfish person. I don't know that is for you to judge. But I don't believe you can give in to the current blackmail and the relationship will survive. It's your decision and I wouldn't want it, think hard, you can't win. Decide and move on, try to have no regrets.

MangyInseam · 20/07/2022 01:44

You partner is an evil fuck. Kick him to the curb. He doesn't get to decide whether or not he supports his kids.

Wildfloral · 20/07/2022 01:51

You will find a way. I think you should really follow your heart on this one, and that man does not sound like he has one. I'd be kicking him out of the picture, finding some financial support through the welfare system and get help from women's aid - what he is doing is emotional abuse/coercive control and that is illegal now. You can even go to the police with that if you need immediate help. Then see what YOU want to do with your pregnancies.

GirlOfTudor · 20/07/2022 02:04

Trust your instincts. If you abort them to keep him around you WILL regret it. Yes 3 under 2 would be difficult, but you can do it. There's support available financially, emotionally, etc.
Sending love.

HallieHufflepuff · 20/07/2022 02:18

OP, you sounded really happy when you described seeing your babies at the scan. And you've described them as babies and not foetuses.

That makes me think that you do want them. Please don't have an abortion just because an emotionally abusive, nasty man has told you to.

TooHotToTangoToo · 20/07/2022 07:33

I think regardless of what you do regarding the pregnancy, you get rid of him! He's not a nice man, even with him genuinely wanting an abortion, he shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you into it and he should be supporting you and discussing options, not verbally abusing you.

With regards to the pregnancy, so what's right for you, not him. But make plans and decisions as a single parent