Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Partner now wants me to abort at 13 weeks

242 replies

mumlife18 · 19/07/2022 19:36

So anyone who hasnt read any of my previous post. I found out i was having twins at week 6.
My partner and I discussed options, so i booked an appointment at the clinic. When we got there he persuaded me not to do it.
after that visit my whole mindset has changed. I just had my 12 week scan and i fell in love with them instantly.
Today my partner has changed his mind and said
i either abort them and keep the relationship or keep them and have no support what so ever from him. (We already have a 1 yr old together)
I have rebooked for friday but i feel completely shattered😞 i just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 19/07/2022 22:44

IAAP · 19/07/2022 22:29

Is this for real OP?
yes people do get pregnant with an iud but it is less than 1% and any one finding out a pregnancy at 6 weeks would have been referred immediately to scan and remove the iud if at all
possible especially with twins as the risk of miscarriage should the iud stay in place is huge - surely you would have been referred to hospital ?

I so want to support you OP but why oh why would at 13 weeks with an IUD have you not be referred urgently to remove the iUD ?

I don’t think she’s said anywhere that it wasn’t immediately removed? Maybe that’s why she was scanned at 6 weeks?

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 19/07/2022 22:46

Omg congratulations! Are you really questioning this? Have the babies and ditch him. He sounds awful. The babies will be gorgeous. I'm so excited for you. Will you find out their sexes?

Nothappyatwork · 19/07/2022 22:56

Id get rid alright, he’d be gone by morning

longtompot · 19/07/2022 22:58

ShandaLear · 19/07/2022 20:43

Your relationship is over either way.

So, with that in mind, do you want these babies?

Absolutely this!

He said to me “You don’t do anything you’re the most laziest c I’ve met and you just go on and on plus you’re boring. i want out.” Especially after he said this. It's not about your partner and what he wants. What do YOU* want?

LaddieCthulu · 19/07/2022 23:00

Please contact a domestic abuse service for support, this guy is just playing the worst kind of games with you.

Whether you keep the babies or not is not a decision he needs to be involved in but given he is so overtly psychologically abusive a domestic abuse service might help you plan for possible issues that could arise in the future. It will be good fortune if he stays out of your life, often men like this use the children to keep control over their mother.

Good luck whatever you decide.

FabFitFifties · 19/07/2022 23:02

What ever decision you make about the twins, please get rid of your vile, abusive partner. How can you possibly want to save such an abusive relationship? Do what is best for you and your daughter - not him. Will your mum be supportive?

AdoraBell · 19/07/2022 23:03

I have twins, it is tough but not impossible. Could you have support from your mum or friends?

Either way you decide I would dump your “partner” he clearly doesn’t value you as a partner.

Happy40something · 19/07/2022 23:05

Please keep those precious babies . He is a vile man and he is totally abusive to you . He should be giving you emotional support and looking after you now that your pregnant... I'm so sorry but this man does not love you . You need to dump him ASAP . Have you any family members that can help you out ? I wish you the very best xxx

IAAP · 19/07/2022 23:08

ReeseWitherfork · 19/07/2022 22:44

I don’t think she’s said anywhere that it wasn’t immediately removed? Maybe that’s why she was scanned at 6 weeks?

A scan at 6 weeks - I’ve had several would have been vaginal to determine a pregnancy - fetal poles are difficult to detect, so twins detected vaginally at 6 weeks. At no point has the OP mentioned having the IUD removed - at no point. So I’m trying not to assume anything as the OP has not mentioned any removal of the IUD or a referral. To remove it at 12-13 weeks again the OP mentioned mentioned seeing her babies moving but not anything about the IUD or any potential issues.

if this is real and the OP is in this relationship - she must put her health first and that’s remove herself from this abusive relationship and seek urgent hospital referral for the IUD removal / if she has had it removed please can she update to say it was removed etc

as I said in my first post on this thread I wish her only the best for her pregnancy, her child and herself

Bc155 · 19/07/2022 23:09

Your partner is clearly abusive. He will not improve. Even if you do what he wants you to do. As far your pregnancy...everyone is different. Consult with your family and others close to your. Don't make such a decision based on the opinions of strangers. Too much input is not good.

Monkey2001 · 19/07/2022 23:10

Do not terminate unless you are absolutely sure you want to. It is easier for him, a mother develops a physical bond with the baby and a later termination is nothing like a 6 week termination. I have not read the whole thread, but I have seen people whose lives were destroyed by regret after late termination. You need to make the right decision for YOU, whatever that is.

Best of luck working out what you want to do.

CJsGoldfish · 19/07/2022 23:12

Whatever you choose to do, you need to choose with the understanding that you will be alone. Alone with twin babies and a toddler who also needs you. Or alone, even though you did what he ordered you to do. Unless you believe your relationship can survive this?

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 19/07/2022 23:12

I haven't read the full thread and I'm only going to comment once. Sorry it's long. Sorry if it's inappropriate.

In my twenties I was in a relationship (looking back it was so obviously problematic) with the father of my first child. My second pregnancy was an unwelcome surprise. My partner instantly turned nasty, cold, aloof and told me in no uncertain terms that he not only had decided he didn't want another child, but he definitely did not want one with me (nasty shock) and I should seek a termination.

It was a cruel blow. I come from a religious background and found that hard to get past mentally, but aside from that, I kept looking at my first child and thinking that this child could have been her. I knew the reality of what a pregnancy was.

Weeks then months went past. As he continued to insist I have an abortion and time was running out, he became increasingly verbally cruel, I felt more and more low. I fell into a depression. I couldn't stop crying. I hated being pregnant which was causing me stress, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I begged and begged him to change his mind. At one point I even got on my knees in front of him, I kid you not, and his response was to coldly push me aside and storm out.

He refused and told me he would piss off abroad and I would never see him again if I went through with it. He used threats and at one point even cried like a child in front of me and accused me of ruining his life and pleaded with me to 'think of the costs, think about wanting more in life'. The very worse tactics were when he would switch and pretend to be all caring, be good partner, buy presents and hug me and then try and 'reason' me to do it.

But I knew I would have to carry the mental burden, and I would have to live with the consequences. Either way, whether I continued with the pregnancy or not, he was always freer than I was and could always leave anyway. And I knew I would hate myself if I went through with it and he pissed off anyway. I knew men are strange they will tell you to do it, then despise you afterwards anyway, as later happened to an acquaintance of mine.

I somehow got the strength to go through with it despite everything and his emotional cruelty (and that's what it is) when I gave birth, he point blank refused to attend the hospital. Didn't see our daughter except once briefly where he acted like a cold bastard.

And you know what? After all that horror and drama and making my pregnancy a living hell he eventually came round. It took six months before he held her properly.

He is today a great father to our daughter, a girl in her early twenties. You could not ever believe he was so nasty and cruel. He was the dad cheering ridiculously loudly and proudly when she graduated with a degree in Architecture a few weeks ago.

Let me tell you the end of this which is purely unique to me:

Two years after giving birth I went on to develop a severe previously undiagnosed autoimmune disease and never got pregnant again. I am now thankful I had both my children when I did, because I couldn't have had them later.

My ex is also now infertile, I don't want to go into too much detail as possibly outing.

My point is: YOU are the one who has to bear the burden of any choice. Frankly, I feel a man has no right either way to tell a woman what to do with her pregnancy and certainly not put pressure on her. A man has ZERO idea of how many different hormones and, chemical responses are going on in your body and we now know that we retain a teeny microscopically small bit of our babies dna in our brains. A man can't possibly know EVER what it would cost you either way. If you want your babies stand firm no matter what he says.

If you decide to terminate please only do so if YOU want it for YOU and your own purposes. Then you will be able to look back and feel ok with the decision.

Of course it doesn't always work out this way:.

A friend of a friend had 3 boys and terminated her pregnancy after her husband put pressure on her, telling her it was about finances, they couldn't afford another child and they had no family support as they had emigrated from Poland, well he left anyway and within a year got another woman pregnant and moved in with her and their daughter. So it was about HIM, not the situation. She was pretty pragmatic about it anyway, but said she probably wouldn't have done it without the pressure he exerted on her. He's turned out to be a shite father overall hardly has any contact with his kids, hence her pragmatism, but she does feel she didn't have full agency in the decision and that part of it bothers her even decades later. She hates her ex now. She cannot even speak to him.

So do what YOU want. Either way. Make sure it's not for a guy, because a) they can disappear anyway despite telling you it's FOR the relationship, money etc and b) they can change their minds.

MissyCooperismyShero · 19/07/2022 23:15

I think you are getting bad advice here. Dump him, that goes without saying. But do you really think it's a good idea to have three children under two. It will be so so hard as a single parent. I couldn't do it. Most people couldn't do it. Do you know any single parent that has done this successfully? Done it calmly and effectively? Rare as hens teeth. I don't think the fact you want the babies is a good enough reason to have them. But obviously without a doubt, bin the wanker either way.

Chestnutlover · 19/07/2022 23:17

This is so sad you’re going through this. I’m so sorry. First of all, if you want to keep your babies keep them! It’s your body. No man has the right to EVER tell you what to do with your own body. He sounds like a total nightmare and I would abort him instead. Pronto. You will be better off without him - he obviously is a selfish who is not worthy of you

Lachimolala · 19/07/2022 23:17

I was guilted, bullied and forced into an abortion I didn’t want in 2015. He made suicide threats to get his own way.

It’s my biggest regret and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t hate him for it, he eventually admitted he was lying with the threats to his own life and just didn’t want the baby.

It made me hate him like I’ve never hated anyone before. Theres not a day that goes by that I don’t wish to be able to turn back time.

Bc155 · 19/07/2022 23:18

MissyCooperismyShero · 19/07/2022 23:15

I think you are getting bad advice here. Dump him, that goes without saying. But do you really think it's a good idea to have three children under two. It will be so so hard as a single parent. I couldn't do it. Most people couldn't do it. Do you know any single parent that has done this successfully? Done it calmly and effectively? Rare as hens teeth. I don't think the fact you want the babies is a good enough reason to have them. But obviously without a doubt, bin the wanker either way.

I know women who have done it.

onlythreenow · 19/07/2022 23:20

I'm sorry OP, but your partner is a horrible man, and that is not going to change even if you go through with the abortion.
You do what YOU want, don't give in to him.
I would be getting rid of him tbh - whatever you decide about the babies - and you will cope. Whether he likes it or not he will have to give you some sort of financial support.

Sparklybanana · 19/07/2022 23:21

I am a strong person mentally, but it took me a long time to 'get over' having an abortion and I will never lose the guilt or the sudden day dreams of the little girl I never had. If you had PND and you want those babies, being forced or cajoled into an abortion will really mess with your mind. If your partner was a keeper then he'd be supporting you in this but he's being selfish. If he didn't want more kids then he should have worn protection or pulled out as no contraception is 100%. My DH was with me all the way and when it happened again (no contraception is 100%...), we had that baby. Having a 2nd abortion was never an option for mental and physical reasons. At no point did he try blackmail.
You will never forgive him for forcing to do this so you may end up up splitting anyway so his ultimatum isn't worth anything. If YOU want the babies, then it is your choice. If you think the only choice is abortion then do that. But you're in the 2nd trimester now - clearly you think having the babies is a viable option.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 19/07/2022 23:27

Sorry you’ve been put through this. Time to open your eyes to see what kind of man he is

get some professional counselling for the abortion -whether to have it or not. He should not be an influence on your decision. Think about if you can cope either way. Talk to someone who can help you work through this.

like pp mentioned, abortions are there for the woman to decide if she should have one or not. Not family, not men and certainly not cunts like him.

whether you decide to keep or abort you need to get rid of him. You would be extremely foolish otherwise. Otherwise you are setting the scene for the future abusive crap he throws your way.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 19/07/2022 23:31

I can imagine if you had the abortion and you decided to stay with him, he would forever blame you for getting rid of his baby. I guarantee that would happen. Ditch him and you can make your decision without his BS in your ear.

Dontcareforthehaters · 19/07/2022 23:32

OP, this is so awful. I can totally understand your fear of raising 3 alone but what a terrible choice this is for you to have to make. Before Friday, please consider reaching out to any services like your 1 year olds child maternal health nurse and ask about the support that is available for single mothers with 3 very young children. I am no longer in the UK so I don't know what support is out there but hopefully there is some and the others on MN can point you in the right direction ASAP.

I think that your partner has put you in a very difficult and unfair position.

You mentioned that you fell in love when you saw the 12 week scan. I can also totally understand this feeling. These are your babies, follow your heart.

Silverswirl · 19/07/2022 23:33

ReeseWitherfork · 19/07/2022 22:11

I am very lucky! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have a plethora of people here all the time but I have options. I’m only alone with all three of them two days a week and it’s awful. It’s constant! I’ll be feeding one baby while the other one is crying and the eldest will tell me he needs a wee. Or one is hysterical from nap fighting, one has wriggled under the sofa and the eldest has helped himself to a bag of grated cheese and is dropping it everywhere. I don’t know how anyone does it! But at least their colic has finally gone so life is dramatically easier. Still not for the faint hearted though! Hats off to you, I’m seriously impressed.

Someone was always crying. Literally felt like it was one after another crying all the time. It seemed like it never stopped. My eldest couldn’t be trusted being in a room with the babies, not even whilst I went to the loo (she was good it’s just that I was so worried she would do something like throw a toy at one of them or hold a teddy up to their face or try to pick one up etc so I had to take her everywhere with me. The shower, the loo etc. i didn’t feel safe taking two at a time up or downstairs as I nearly slipped once doing it and there is no other hand to steady yourself. Tandem Breast feeding constantly whilst playing with a 2 year old. God it’s just a blur 🤣

Silverswirl · 19/07/2022 23:35

MissyCooperismyShero · 19/07/2022 23:15

I think you are getting bad advice here. Dump him, that goes without saying. But do you really think it's a good idea to have three children under two. It will be so so hard as a single parent. I couldn't do it. Most people couldn't do it. Do you know any single parent that has done this successfully? Done it calmly and effectively? Rare as hens teeth. I don't think the fact you want the babies is a good enough reason to have them. But obviously without a doubt, bin the wanker either way.

People do it and far more every day!!
And yes. Having them because she wants them is an absolutely valid reason for not having an abortion!!

Phobiaphobic · 19/07/2022 23:35

You are better off without your partner, and he cannot opt out of financial support. After all, if he didn't want more kids he had options - wear a condom, have a vasectomy or simply not have sex. No one forced him to get you pregnant.