Life after abortion

[Sorry1982]

Hi I noticed a few of us on another thread were saying how much we regret our abortion. Mine has left me with crippling depression and anxiety. So thought I’d start a new thread for us to talk about our experience and maybe help each other x

*some of us aren't sure and shouldn't be offered them until we are.

Agree @BloodAndFire all this talk of making it more difficult and making women wait a few weeks just smacks of putting barriers up for women. Whether that is from anti-abortion activists or women who feel that they did the wrong thing for them so misguidedly want to stop others doing it.

Likewise the woman who claims a few trips back to hospital for retained tissue is more hassle than seeing through an entire pregnancy then bringing up a child for 18+ years. Mmmm

Every woman should be able to make the choice for themselves but should never try to make it harder for others as abortion is shown to the right (albeit sad sometimes) choice for most women who have one.

@Marchmount Jesus Christ. I'm not taking a few trips down the hospital I'm going back to the clinic again and again for infection and retained tissue. I meant if I knew it would be this much hassle I would have kept my child as the only reasonI had a termination was because I had hg and was bedridden After my termination I've been seriously ill. I've been ill either way. I don't find raising children to when they're 18 'a hassle'. It was a case of having to terminate to stop being sick but instead I've had a termination and have been sick since. 5 weeks tomorrow.

@Marchmount i certainly don’t think it should be hard to access but is a short counselling session before (plus access to counselling after) that much of a barrier?
We need to ensure women can access abortions easily when they need to, of course, but there’s also a duty of care to their mental health as well and we need to be absolutely sure it’s the right decision for that woman. Maybe the majority of women don’t regret it, or not to a devastating extent, but thousands upon thousands do and those people matter

@updownleftrightstart you said what I wanted to say. Thank you.

People do have to take some personal responsibility in life though. We can make decisions and then regret them, it doesn’t make it someone else’s fault for not trying hard enough to talk them out of it.

@Beefcurtains79 yes personal responsibility is important, however clinics (or at least the one I dealt with) bias towards giving the woman ‘confidence’ to go through with it. I was reassured that it is the most common procedure in Australia on the phone, and told just how many women they have each week, the procedure was referred to as minor and that I could go to work within 4 hours. Psychological damage / PTSD / profound depression while perhaps uncommon, is still a possible effect that was not discussed. We ANY procedure you do needs to declare possible side effects, no matter how small the chances. There also needs to be an awareness about perinatal mental conditions - perinatal anxiety and depression completely distort how you view yourself, your situations and your reasoning skills (just like post natal depression which is well documented, recognised, and treated with psychiatric medication). Again not their responsibility at the final hour, but awareness needs to be there.

A lot of people use the taking personal responsibility argument as one against abortion in the first place...

You don't know why someone might be getting an abortion. Some are very young, some have been raped and find themselves pregnant, some are suffering horrific pregnancy-related mental health issues. These people are not necessarily in a great frame of mind to be making these decisions on their own and if they are pressurised into an abortion then it absolutely is someone else's fault!

Would you really tell an 18 year old who has been raped and then pressured into an abortion from all angles that she needs to take personal responsibility for her actions and its her fault?! That's heartless

Wow, talk about a straw man (or woman) argument.

That's obviously not remotely what @Beefcurtains79 was saying.

I believe there are a number of posters on this thread with a very thinly disguised anti-abortion agenda. Counselling IS offered to women and girls. And it is also true that this is a very, very common procedure.

You don't know why someone might be getting an abortion. Some are very young, some have been raped and find themselves pregnant, some are suffering horrific pregnancy-related mental health issues. These people are not necessarily in a great frame of mind to be making these decisions on their own and if they are pressurised into an abortion then it absolutely is someone else's fault!

This doesn't make any sense. You seem to be saying that these girls and women are not fit to make their own decisions. But then you are also complaining that other people are advising them. In any case, I'm not sure there's anywhere to go in a conversation if you think that children or women who have been raped should be discouraged from terminating their pregnancies.

Counselling certainly wasn't offered to me when I had my abortion. My best friend had one recently and wasn't offered counselling. In fact she was told it wasn't available when she specifically asked for it. Maybe it does depend on individual clinics but it is absolutely not standard to be given/offered counselling.

There's a difference between advising, and forcing or pressuring them one way or another. Women should be given the support to decide what is right for them. If they decide what is best for them is an abortion then I am 100% behind them, and I would fight for a woman's right to choose one.

Whether I was fit to make my own decision or not, I'm really not sure. Some people really aren't in a good state of mind to make that decision, and people advising them is fine. But no one ever advised me, or asked me what I wanted, instead they told me what I was doing and made every decision for me.

My situation isn't an exception. I have come across loads of people who went through the same thing, and were coerced into having one and were never once asked by anyone at the clinic whether it was actually their decision or not.

I had one in February due to my severe anxiety over pregnancy and birth. I regret it everyday. My due date is coming up and my heart is so heavy thinking about the life that could have been. I deeply regret my choice. All I want is to be a mother. I hope I can be strong enough to make that happen one day. Although whatever happens, there will always be a hole in my heart where this baby should have been. 😔

@Milliegirl25 I hope you are okay, be kind to yourself and please feel free to msg me or post here if you are struggling

Thankyou @nowifi ❤

People's experiences resonate with me. Two months after having an abortion. I wanted the baby but i was so anixous something would go wrong that I paniced especially as my husband didn't want it. I told the clinic i suffer intrusive thoughts and tend to regret my decisions and would need extensive counselling after- thinking they would pick that up.But they did not. I realise i sleep walked into the decision- I was very rationale and calm which my husband saw as a good thing but in hindsight i had disengaged with my emotions- it was such a big decision and I am usually so indecisive that i should have picked up that i was unaturally calm. Within half an hour i knew i had made the wrong decision, i didnt take the second lot of tablets as the clinic said the pregnancy may survive but it did not. Its been the worse 8 weeks of my life- I have been suicidal and haunted by the baby. The clinic have given me one counselling session an I am on the waiting list for stillwaters. It feels life as I knew it has been destroyed. I have it constantly playing on my mind and I am obsessive about things at the best of times!

@saskia I'm so sorry to hear you went through this. I agree about sleepwalking into a decision, I am 100 percent pro choice but I think if they sense any indecision they should turn you away. It is such a tough place to be where you are at right now and I remember the raw almost visceral grief feelings. I promise you it does get easier but it doesn't feel like it ever will. Here if you need to chat 💐

@Nowifi thank you so much for your kind reply. I still don't know how i went from planning my maternity leave and maternity outfits to having the termination. I don't know why I didn't challenge my husband- he kept saying it would be bad for our current child- now he is saying that was an opinion not a fact and that i did not make it clear enough that i wanted the baby. I felt guilty that I had obviously messed up the pill and that he didnt want the baby. we have one child and he always wanted two but i didn't at the time but its different that i was pregnant and loved this one but its always been a bone of contention between us. I don't want us to end up splitting up or me blame him but he is now saying he is fed up of us discussing it and we have to move on. ultimately i should have fought for the baby but realise i was suffering from prenatal anexity. i play in my mind how if i had spoken to one person i would have realised what i wanted but we just went round in circles with each other. So many people seem to be detached that it feels more safeguards need to be in place. Those first few weeks were horrendous- i was howling and rocking like a demented animal. Like you say it was visceral. I don't know why i didn't find these pages when i was trying to make a decision. People say you make the best decision at the time but i didn't- I shut down and did not use my usual decision making skills like writing things down! my aniexty has caused me to miss so much of my life through worry but this trumps everything. I can't even enjoy my current child as just got it all running through my mind constantly. i was always so pro choice but now realise abortion is a much greyer area than anyone ever realised.

Hi,
I can completely relate to what you’re saying. I’ve gone through all of those feelings and emotions and I also am very obsessive at times. I completely understand. I also think I emotionally checked out and don’t think I was in a bit state to be making the decision and was told it was the right thing to do by everyone around me then straight after I regretted it and was in so much pain. I’ve also felt suicidal at times over this and over the guilt. Feel free to message me. Sending love x

@Saskia2023 Hi,
I can completely relate to what you’re saying. I’ve gone through all of those feelings and emotions and I also am very obsessive at times. I completely understand. I also think I emotionally checked out and don’t think I was in a bit state to be making the decision and was told it was the right thing to do by everyone around me then straight after I regretted it and was in so much pain. I’ve also felt suicidal at times over this and over the guilt. Feel free to message me. Sending love x

Hi all I had a medical abortion 6 weeks ago only 4 weeks pregnant, had a period 5 weeks after and negative pregnancy test, but now sore breasrs 3 days after period has ended. Anyone else had this

I’m two months post abortion and I can relate to these feelings so much. My pregnancy was wanted and I also convinced myself the ‘timing wasn’t right’. I guess because it was unplanned, I felt like I had to have everything perfectly in order before becoming pregnant. Now that 2 months have gone by, I realised if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy, things would have been okay. I can also relate to feeling like a shell of myself - I just feel extreme emptiness. It’s very difficult to function. I can’t turn back time and change my decision, but I’m so disappointed in myself for making the decision within less than a week, especially as I couldn’t think straight. I felt so disconnected from the reality of the situation and like you said ‘no one tries to counsel you or challenge your reasoning, it’s all too easy to access. The scan photo is a core memory and brings me to tears whenever I think that early next year, either a baby boy or girl would have been in my arms, but I’ve not given this baby a chance at life. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to be truly happy with my decision.

just wanted to send you hugs. everything you said is so true-whilst termination is right for some people but no one really talks about or prewarms you about how emotionally devasting it can be. and you feel pressured to make such a big life choice without really processing what s happening. theres a few of us on here whove been through it and at times it was only other people on here who got me through. so do message any time you need support. it is a grief and over time i promise it wont be as raw. please be kind to yourself. are you managing to get any counselling to help you process thingsx

Thank you for your kind message. I’m trying to be kinder to myself regarding this but the grief still feels so raw. I’m hoping over time I’m able to cope better and this thread might be one of the things to get me through. Knowing that other women have gone through this helps me to not feel so alone in this healing process. I have had a session of counselling this month, and my next session is booked in for next month. That might be the only thing that really helps express my feelings and not keep the grief and pain bottled up x

I know that it isn't the right place to talk about it and don't know if anyone will see and answer it, but i just don't have anybody to talk about this.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have a almost 2 years old toodler.
I got pregnant because my IUD failed but i always wanted a second child, i was planning to get pregnant in at least 3 years. My husband didn't actually wanted a second child but he always said that if i get pregnant again, we will had the baby, because for him, baby is a blessing. When we found out my current pregnancy he was super excited but when i talked to him abou my worries, he said that it will better if we get a abortion this time because we don't have condition to pass to a pregnancy and raise a new baby right now.
I work part time in my husband's work and do all the house chores, cooking and take care of our child because he is always busy with work. I'm overwhelmed and he is too, we have a mental breakdown at least once a week. I can't stop working cause he need me in the work and our finances is not good too, are negative every month.
When i was pregnant with my first child i had to stop working when i was 8 weeks pregnant cause i had a lot bleedings and had to stay in the hospital because the risk of spontaneous abortion, it happened 2 times and after this i got the permission to go home but with condition of stay in bed all the time. My morning sickness was really tough too, i couldn't eat and drink property until i give birth.
I know that every pregnancy is different of each other but I'm afraid that something similar happens again and i will not able to do everything that i am doing right now, if something happens i don't have anyone to take care of my first child. I don't have any family support because i live abroad. And can't talk about this to my family and friends because in their country abortion is illegal.
After writing all this I'm more convinced that abortion is my better option right now but I'm really afraid about the after. I had depression years ago and i afraid that the depression will go back after this, cause I know that it will break me and i will not forgive myself for ending this pregnancy, i cry every day since i found out that I'm pregnant. It breaks me that i want this baby but can't have.
I'm sorry if there's some part that you cannot understand, English isn't my mother language.

I will tell you what I wish someone told me. The anxiety, fear and panic will pass. Focus on getting through each day and trust that you and your baby will get through this together. Your worries are short term. Abortion is forever. I made the choice you are considering, and I can tell you two years on, I still cry every day. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life and my soul is broken for it. Once the hormones faded, it was so clear that they were making my fears worse and everything I worried about could have been overcome. I would give everything I own to go back in time and not make that choice. What country are you in?