Life after abortion

[Sorry1982]

Hi I noticed a few of us on another thread were saying how much we regret our abortion. Mine has left me with crippling depression and anxiety. So thought I’d start a new thread for us to talk about our experience and maybe help each other x

Hi, I'm the same. I had depression for a long time (years) and the physical pain of the procedure crippled me for months.

I've never truly recovered and never forgiven myself despite it being over 18yrs since it happened. I'm in therapy again right now, and not sure if it's really making any difference to my regrets, fears or self hate that I carry.

I'm now 41, childless and full of very deep regrets about what happened, not least of all how I got pregnant in the first place.

I do not now and have not ever judged a woman for having or needing an abortion, and am still very much pro-choice but I can't seem to feel the same about myself.

How are you doing?

@SilverHairedCat
hi, so sorry to hear your going through this. I’m having a particularly bad time lately . I had 2 abortions with my ex partner and now they are having a huge affect on me . I’m very depressed at the moment and don’t really see a future for myself now. I’m 40 now and slightly different to you as already had kids when I had the abortions . But now that makes it worse as I know what the siblings look like and it kills me inside thinking what those babies would have looked like/personalities etc .Not sure how therapy would help much as it would never change what’s happened .
Did you choose not to have children after your abortion or was it because you can’t now ? It’s so hard isn’t it living with regret is the worst as there’s nothing you can do about it . At least coming on here I’ve realised I’m not alone and there’s a lot of women who regret there abortion to although that does sound really selfish of me . I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this.

I had two abortions due to failed birth control. My life after them has been fine. I don’t have any regrets and I have had children at the time that I planned to, when they were wanted and could be cared for.

I will always be glad that the terminations were available to me, accessible, and that I had proper medical care. My life would have been totally different had I had no choice to terminate when I was in University and just getting my life started.

life after abortion is life.

I deeply regret mine, over 20+ years now.

It was probably the best decision but I thought I couldn't cope and that it would be the end of the world. Hindsight tells me, it would have been fine.

Hope I'm OK to join this thread.

Had my abortion 4 weeks ago tomorrow.

Due to extreme nausea.

I feel ao guilty but I couldn't cope any longer, i couldn't even look after my 10 month old.

@Peppapig7262662
hi hope your doing ok today ? I Totally understand terminating due to sickness. It was one of mine deciding factors to. Mine wasn’t extreme to the point of hospital but it was all day every day for the first 5/6 months . I was worried how I would look after my other children and get them to school etc. I don’t think you should feel guilty. But I know that’s easier said than done x

@CornishGem1975
hi
yes it’s only this last year I realised everything would have been fine and I didn’t need the abortions. In fact life would have been better as I wouldn’t have the depression I have now . But like you say it’s easy to say that in hindsight.

This is why I’m still pro choice and would never tell a women not to get an abortion. It’s just that for me and some women it turned out to be the wrong choice . And there’s not much help available after either , once it’s done it’s done . I’m glad you don’t regret yours and have done well with your life after and now have children x

Hi,
Thank you for starting the thread. I’m so sorry you’re all struggling. Like someone else said, I would never judge anyone else as harshly as I’m judging myself. I had an abortion last week and have been so depressed and upset ever since. I can’t seem to shake the guilt and feel like I’ve taken someone’s chance at life away. It’s crippling me as it’s all I can think about. I mainly wish I never got pregnant as continuing would have also been very problematic. I’ve never wanted to turn back time so badly. I’m terrified my life is ruined by this.
It would be useful to hear from people who felt this way and found a way to cope or found something that worked to relieve some of the guilt. The only thing helping me even a tiny bit is thinking that maybe there was something wrong anyone .
I’m sorry for all of you feeling this way xx

@Hw9
hiya. Sorry your feeling so bad. I can’t really help as nothing has really helped me get over the pain. But someone else might be able to give you some good advice on here . We’re you sure of your decision at the time? It’s only a week ago and can take a while for all your hormones to settle back down x

Hi,
First time poster. I've had 2 abortions 16 years ago. I have struggled with my decision on and off. I am 34 now and have a great life with my partner. We have been TTC for the past 2 years.

I honestly feel like I have missed my chance at having children and it will never happen again. I feel like I am being punished for my decision when I was younger. It's heartbreaking and the past 7 months during fertility investigations have been awful.

Having the abortions was the right thing to do at the time but it doesn't stop the guilt and regret all these years later.

I've had several due to making bad life decisions from mental health disorders. One was at 17 weeks which was medical so I basically gave birth to a fully developed baby that I genuinely wanted. And I was 21 at the time, so I knew what I wanted. My mum pressured me into it, she drove me 300+ miles to have it done as I refused to have a surgical because I wanted to spend time with him and say goodbye. This was over 2 years ago and I'm now pregnant again (wanted pregnancy) with my partner of 6 years, but still living at home which is the only thing making me worried I'd be forced into making another bad decision as my family are good at making me feel awful for what I choose. We're trying our best to find a way to live together but I can't see it happening before it's born. The last termination absolutely destroyed me and I haven't been the same since and there's absolutely no way I'm doing it again. I haven't heard of anyone regretting it and it makes me feel left out because I feel that my feelings aren't reasonable. I'm in my mid 20s, I shouldn't feel like I'm being controlled like this. The ones I had weren't right for me. Not even a bit. I did it to please everyone else and I wish I stood up for myself. His clothes are still in my wardrobe because I can't accept what's happened has happened and move on. The only people that knew about him was my partner and my mum, I wanted to share him to the world and post his ultrasounds (which I had several of as had the usual scans at 7, 10 and 15 weeks) but I wasn't allowed. My heart breaks for anyone who regrets it, I understand in most cases it's the right choice for that person but I feel ashamed that to me, it wasn't.

@Fuzzyhippo
im sorry you had tho go through that it must have been horrendous. I can’t imagine ever forcing my daughter to have an abortion . A lot of women regret there abortions so your not alone . I really hope having this baby works out for you . Don’t feel pressured by anyone to have another abortion .

I am 6 months out from this decision and life as I knew it has been destroyed. Mine was actually a wanted pregnancy, I suffered extreme perinatal depression, anxiety and panic disorder and somehow convinced myself the ‘timing wasn’t right’. I disconnected from the reality of what I was actually doing, and unfortunately live in a country where it is all too easy to access - no one tries to counsel you or challenge your reasoning. I’m fact it’s the opposite - at the clinic they really validate you and make you feel like it’s normal and common. The result has been devastating. I can’t function, I am a shell of my former self, I’ve spent 6 months hysterical, in bed, in therapy, unable to function in my world as I used to. I used to be known as being positive, bright, bubbly and full of life. Now I am a dead soul, and everything that I previously valued has become insignificant.

@BarbaraK1 I totally agree that it's too easy to access. Here's your pills and here you go. I wasn't asked to sign anything even though the forms required a signature. There's need to be some sort of 'talk' with you....how do you think you'll feel if baby wasn't there anymore? Etc etc I wasn't even told only take the pills if you are 100 percent sure because there is no going back. I took the pills when I hadn't slept well and was in no frame of mind to think logically.

@BarbaraK1
I know what you mean. My life has been ruined now but having an abortion. I’ll never be truly happy again.

@heartbroken22 - it is blatant negligence. In my situation, perinatal depression and anxiety are very serious, well documented conditions that alter your brain / way of thinking. There is no protection for women in this situation. Had they engaged in a discussion - I am married, financially stable, this was planned … surely red flags would have come up that could have saved mine, my child and my husbands lives. We were just another number on the list for that day, and our lives will never be the same.

If you can’t afford to move out of home then you are relying on your family to support you and your baby, so they ultimately do get a say, - even if you feel you are being ‘controlled’.
Babies cost money and deserve a stable life where you can provide for them, sadly just wanting them isn’t enough.

I have had two abortions and neither of them affected me mentally in any way. Once done the decision can't be reversed and I really don't see the point of beating yourself up about it.

@BarbaraK1 that's so sad, I'm really sorry that happened to you. Did you seek any treatment for your mental health prior to making your decision?

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

While it's important that people can share their feelings - in any way - post termination, please do also be aware that these threads also attract people who are (a) anti-abortion and know they can post here to tip the balance for future women who do an internet search for 'regret abortion' and (b) people who like one poster here sound like they are living very complex lives with severe mental health issues and 'several abortions' when just into their 20s. There is nowhere I can think of here that would perform a termination without clear consent/signature on forms as claimed earlier.

Many of us feel some regret with time, but also an acknowledgement that ultimately it was the right thing to do at the time - like how you might always harbor some feelings towards 'the one that got away', while knowing that it wasn't right for you, in this lifetime. Trust your past self, it's easy to second guess now you know it's over.

Do also be careful that you don't feel so full of regret and hormones that you get pregnant again asap, I have 2 friends that have done that, and it makes everything ten times harder, when they realised once pregnant again, that pregnancy really wasn't right.

All the best. Please do speak to a counsellor if you can, you shouldn't be going through this alone and in my experience this isn't one that's easy to talk.about with friends and family as they all bring so many of their own feelings and beliefs to the discussion.

I’m really sorry for everyone regretting their abortion.

I had an abortion and don’t regret it for a minute. It was the absolutely best decision, and I’ve felt nothing but utter relief ever since. For manny and multiple reasons.

I’m so pleased women have the right to choose.

@OverTheRubicon who are you to judge a user on here into their 20s with several abortions and whatever else you've written?

I, looked at my papers after my abortion and prior to it when I got home and saw there was no signature made or asked to be done by me. I found that a bit strange.

If women want a termination that's fine. I think women need to be told about what happens after an abortion too. My mental health suffered. I cried more than I cried being pregnant. The bleeding felt worse than I would have done pregnant. The constant trips back to the clinic to check retained tissue and infection isn't great. I still have tissue left. It made me think it would have been less hassle to keep the the pregnancy than deal with this crap afterwards. I wish someone told me. But naah nobody did. Instead people on this forum were like if a termination is what you need go for it. There's one on here that said she was going to get one same time as me...didn't and then gloated about her pregnancy. Whereas the person that cared for me had to send me DM which I read too late because she was so scared what other users would say. All I needed to be told during my pregnancy was that this too shall pass by a fellow women.

Can I just add I'm getting to accept what happened. I've been poorly again feeling very weak and it just reminded me how awful I felt in pregnancy with no one supporting me. Men can't understand what we go through. Some men are supportive others arent. I'm so glad we have women on here supporting each other. I do think the pills are very easily accessible and your mental health can fool you into taking them when rock bottom.

My life after my abortion (in the mid-1990s) has been a million times better than it would have been if I hadn't terminated the pregnancy.

The thought of ending up tied for life to the tosser who got me pregnant is horrific ..I'm so glad I was able to terminate the pregnancy and live my life without him.