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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

My husband doesn’t want a baby and I’m pregnant

108 replies

Mazz1986 · 19/03/2022 10:22

I have one son, always wanted another
But after the years going by and my husband saying , we can’t afford it, we’re in the middle of moving or renovating , let’s pay our mortgage off first etc.
there was always a reason not too.
I stopped talking about it completely and tried to move on,
All my friends starting their family’s, it was a little sad but I was still so happy for them and still never mentioned it.
One morning I needed the morning after pill, I needed to drive to get it so called him to let him know, I asked should I get it, he said it’s up to me.
I took it and then was pegging washing out and had a text that my friend who had been trying for ages had another miscarriage, I was a little upset for her and was trying to send messages of support.
My husband came over to me and asked if I was ok, I said yes.
Then he said that he had been thinking about things and that we are in the perfect place to have another baby, and he would like to start trying ,
It was out of the blue..
so no more protection, folic acid , ovulation tests the whole Sha bang
I asked him a couple of months ago if he still felt the same because I thought he was avoiding sex because I was ovulating. But he said definitely not that he loves me and he was just tired.
My friend told me at Christmas that she was finally pregnant and 4 months along , I told her and the rest of my friends we were trying .
I found out I was pregnant, I told my two closes friends, I’d planned to tell my husband when he came home from work, so I went out and brought a little baby vest, and put it on the bed with the two test on it.
I showed my husband and he looked angry,
I asked him if he was happy and he said it is what it is!
I asked him for a hug, had a cold hug and then went down stairs to finish packing for a weekend holiday.
He said he felt too old being 36 to do it again, that I’m not being realistic that it’s going to be easy,
That our life’s are not far off perfect,
Bottom line he didn’t want it.
He said he didn’t think it would happen naturally and he said all those things to make me happy at the time.
I’m devastated
(I’m 35, he’s 37. Mortgage free, plenty of room, no financial problems whatsoever, he had problems in his 20s that said would effect fertility)
I’ve / we’ve agreed to have an abortion pill Monday
I don’t know what to say to him, we’re away on holiday with our son and I’ve told him not to mention it at all.
I don’t know what to say to him when I get home.

OP posts:

Mischance · 19/03/2022 16:46

This is a wanted baby - do NOT take that pill. You absolutely do NOT have to do this just because he tells you to.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/03/2022 17:01

@Mazz1986

Our marriage as a whole is great, Our son is 16, and we have been married 15 years He has obviously said he will support me , and said he’s in shock about the whole thing, and “gutted” he said he feels too old, and said he wanted to retire and was looking at holiday homes, and we are in the middle of building a house too He’s an excellent husband and father but always has worked too much, He had an awful childhood where there was never food in the home, never went on a holiday, when I had my son he said he would never have the life he had as a child , he was never hands on when my son was newborn and worried about everything. He’s devastated about this, he says the world is an awful place now and magnifies everything We are away on holidays now, coming home on Monday., I feel like if I choose to keep it , He will resent me and if I don’t I will hate him for it. I can’t talk to anyone about it, I told one of my Quantity survivors and they were shock by my husband response but also says how much he adores me, I’m lost I’m 2-3 weeks, I don’t want to wait much longer

Given your update, I'd say he is suffering from extreme anxiety rather than deliberately misleading you. I can't get over someone in their mid-30s thinking they are too old for a baby and wanting to retire. Is he clumsily trying to say he feels you've outgrown the baby stage, bearing in mind that your DS is almost grown-up? It will be a big age gap, and it will be hard going back to baby years with sleepless nights etc...I think he is scared but will come round. Maybe this time you can afford to buy in help ( babysitting etc) so that you can still have some couple time. Maybe you could try to reassure him that it will be fine, as experienced parents it will be easier than the first time, and that you as a family are well-placed financially to have a baby. It's understandable that he sees the world has such a harsh place given his past and the current situation with was in Ukraine and Covid, but he can brought to see that having made the positive decision to try for a baby, you don't feel that it is right to have a termination now. The time for him to change his mind and state his case has passed. He didn't do so when he had the opportunity and now he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. From what you say, he doesn't sound like an abuser or coercer, on the contrary. He's just frightened. I hope you can bring him round.

isthismylifenow · 19/03/2022 17:51

If he is in shock then how can he be making such a huge decision. Perhaps he needs time to process this.

I didn't know you could test at such an early stage, but you do have time to discuss this properly as clearly you have just found out.

Hellooooo754 · 19/03/2022 18:34

Gosh I’m sorry, OP, he lied to you in a horribly manipulative way. I don’t think my marriage would survive that kind of betrayal.

Book in a counselling session before you have any abortion. And then, like PPs have said, take him out of the equation and decide if you want this baby.

RMS0209 · 19/03/2022 18:38

I am just sending you a big hug. X

coffeeiwish · 19/03/2022 19:20

@Mazz1986

Will he see the GP to discuss this, his reaction seems to warrant investigation for depression and anxiety. It doesn't seems rational at all

TheBigPeach · 19/03/2022 22:48

Could you maybe get some counselling yourself before making a decision?
So I’m guessing you were both very young having your son, a lot of time has passed, this could be completely different for him this time around. Maybe he could do with speaking to someone himself.

Allsorts1 · 19/03/2022 22:53

It’s so strange to me that he sees himself as too old! He’s literally the average age for having a baby these days… my DP is 4 years older and we still feel too young! I would definitely keep your baby because you want it and you both tried for it. Your “d” h will come around and his excuses are pretty poor I would say… 37 isn’t too old at all!

Icanflyhigh · 19/03/2022 22:54

I found myself in a similar position to you when I was 23. I took the pill and had the abortion.
Even though I went on to have three healthy children with the same man, I always resented him for it. I still do even though we divorced 8 years ago. Ultimately it ruined our marriage.

Rinatinabina · 19/03/2022 23:02

What he did was awful frankly, I think people with neglectful/abusive backgrounds struggle more as parents, it can be quite triggering becoming one yourself and the needs of a small child are really overwhelming. So I’d say he’s had an “oh shit” moment.

Did you talk to him about why he said he wanted to go ahead and then changed his mind? Did he think it was safe in that he could give you the impression of giving you what you want whilst hoping that as you are now over 35 your fertility would have declined?

I’ll be honest I wouldn’t be able to get past this.

Boomerwang · 19/03/2022 23:09

Whatever you do imagine doing it alone. Pile on me all you like guys but I think he's having an affair. It's classic pro con swinging giving responses based on something else going on in his life. Don't expect him to step up. Let him know you can do this without him. If he wants to go that far then he loses out and you don't.

LBFseBrom · 19/03/2022 23:55

Is there any way you and your husband could have a little distance from each other for a couple of weeks, Mazz? If you or he could stay somewhere else and you not see or phone during that time, it might help both of you to get some perspective.

It sounds as though you would really like to have this baby and I feel he needs to talk to someone. uninvolved and objective but sympathetic, to whom he can 'sound off' and help him examine his feelings about your pregnancy. If you are only 2-3 weeks you have at least another nine.

Booklover3 · 20/03/2022 00:28

I wouldn’t have the abortion OP. He’s being abusive (unintentionally or not). Is he abusive in other ways? You have to do what’s right for YOU at this point.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/03/2022 00:34

@titchy

Keep the baby ditch the husband. Your marriage is screwed now regardless.

This is the sad truth. Your husband's lies have ended your marriage. If you keep the baby he will resent you. If you don't, you will not forgive him.

HeddaGarbled · 20/03/2022 00:46

You were actively trying to conceive at his instigation and then when you do he says he didn’t mean it. That’s just cruel.

Ohya · 20/03/2022 00:54

I would advice you to keep the baby because you may end up loosing both the baby and your husband. At least you can enjoy your baby.

Susu49 · 20/03/2022 01:08

@Mazz1986

A few things.

don't abort if you don't want to. You absolutely can talk to people about this- your gp is a good one or the abortion providers. They are trained in these situations and can supply counselling and help if you have any doubts whatsoever about how you wish to proceed
your DH is a dick.
your posts are setting off alarm bells for me for a controlling relationship. How is the power balance in your marriage?

Do you tend to equally get your way or is it more 1 person over the other?

How does your husband usually react when he's not happy about something or when you disagree?

It sounds like he provides very well you and your son materially...And others think he adores you.

I was in a relationship like this.

Everything was wonderful as long as things went the way he wanted to. And he was good at getting his way - there'd be silent treatment, guilt trips, anger, berating / lecturing..."logical" arguments that were hard to disagree with even if deep down I wanted something different.

Once I realised this....it didn't matter how safe he made me feel, how worshipped, how much he made laugh or the jewellery he bought me...I was never happy with him again and I wish I ended it much sooner than I finally did.

You said in your post you'd hate him if you terminate your pregnancy...Whatever the state of the rest of your relationship, this is something you can't ignore. I know this must be very painful, but whatever you choose, think very, very carefully before you make a decision and don't rush it.

Speak to other people - friends, family, your gp, BPAS. Don't be silenced. You're confused, vulnerable, hurting...you need to reach out to people.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Your DH bears responsibility for this situation than you do because he deliberately deceived you. It is your body, your life and your choice.

Whatever you decide (and whatever you choose is fine), take your time and choose for you.

Ourlady · 20/03/2022 08:55

What an awful man to do this to you. I would be keeping the baby and if he doesn’t like it then tough. He’s messed with you in a horrible way.

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 20/03/2022 15:27

Definitely not cheating.
We are going home Monday and will have time to discuss things.
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice.
It’s been really helpful.

OP posts:

Somanymistakes · 21/03/2022 16:44

How are things today @Mazz1986

Original poster

Mazz1986 · 21/03/2022 23:07

We have talked about things, he said he’s still in shock and will be happy to do what ever I choose to.
He’s apologised for the first reaction and said it was shock and said he can’t feel any worse than how he feels about how he reacted .
I’m still angry that he told me we would try (because he knew that’s what I wanted)
Only to think that it wouldn’t work naturally as we were told years ago.
I thought he would want to have this baby, I thought he would be excited.
He hasn’t said keep it, which is what I would have wanted to hear.
I told him that I never thought he would hurt me as much as this.
I just don’t feel the same anymore.
I’ve been feeling sick which I think is down to stress.
my husband said he will do anything he can to try and make it up to me.
But I said he can’t,
I don’t know
What else to say to him.

OP posts:

SouperNoodle · 21/03/2022 23:19

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation he's put you in.

Could you ask him to stay somewhere else for a week or so? It'll give you time to clear your head and decide how to move forward without him there to talk you into/out of anything.

HeddaGarbled · 22/03/2022 00:29

OK, that sounds better.

Take some time now to let things settle and to have a good think.

It might not be a bad idea to stay off here for a few days as there’ll be a lot of posters trying to keep the drama high for their own entertainment.

LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 04:12

Mazz: ....my husband said he will do anything he can to try and make it up to me.
But I said he can’t,
............

Why not? He's sorry, he panicked. It happens a lot but now he regrets it. You can't hang on to resentment against your husband forever because he showed weakness. Honestly I've heard of many cases where men panic when they discover their wife is pregnant, even if they previously wanted it and knew it was on the cards. They get over it.
Try to get some time apart to sort out your feelings.

Lavenderlid · 22/03/2022 07:02

But he didn't just panic though - he has admitted to lying about even wanting another child, letting the Op start ttc with all that entails for a woman - I would forgive a panic more easily than this deception.

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